Meeting him for the first time, advice please?

[Shani]

Hi everyone!

I am a bit new on this site.
And I noticed this is a loving community so I'll go ahead and ask my question.

I met this guy about a month or two ago now.
We really have this 'click' at very subject and thought.
He is a bit older than me being in the 20's already.
Goes to University and also has a job.
He lives in Europe just like I do.

It's just that we really have fell in love with eachother and now he would like to meet me.
Only the issue is kind of, there's one thing I haven't shared with him yet.
I plan on telling him when we finally get to talk on Skype possibly(not sure though), but it terrifies me after past experiences.

I'm a chronicly-ill so each day is a fight for me and I constantly have pain.
Basically I have an auto-immune disease named SLE (Lupus), meaning my body attacks its own healthy tissues and organs.
But anywho, that's the only thing I have not told him and am afraid to tell.

Many people judge us people, whom are sick and are 'limited'.
It's just that I really do love him but I'd prefer to have him come here first to see me, it'd be the proof he really want to be with me and he said that no matter what he'd never want to see me feel poorly or ill.
He'd worry so much.

I just don't want to lose him but I am somehow afraid of pulling up this conversation when comes to meet me in August.
Things regarding the meet, we're still planning a bit but it's more than likely he really will come to see me.

I just am a bit scared and worried because I'd most likely put myself at risk as him not knowing that I'm ill yet-
To go do outdoors activities(spend time and such, show him around) pretty much every single day or atleast a lot of the time.
While I feel poorly and should rest.

It kind of concerns me and it's a bit putting my own health at risk for him.
I just don't want him to feel like I don't want to spend time with him or have my attention on him.

This is all still a bit really difficult, and the most annoying thing is the not knowing how bad I'll be feeling when August arrives.

He's planning to stay at a hotel/B&B for our first meet-
We both decided this rather than already staying at my house for the 4-6 days he'll be here.
So that won't be an issue of course.
It's mainly about what thigns I can do with him to spend time, show him around.
As I for one could risk my health a bit by wearing myself out a lot and secondly if I am even able to go out in the first place.

Thank you already![/i]

[Mara]

I think you should be upfront and honest with him about your illness before the two of you meet. If he loves you, he won't judge you.

[LadyMarchHare]

I can see why you'd be afraid, it's not like you would tell him you have a cold or happen to have a scar somewhere, it's an active disease that you probably have faced judgment and ridicule over.

My suggestion would be to prepare some links and reading material for him about Lupus, basically everything you want him to know, and have that on hand when you tell him. Have you thought about how you would tell him, whether via text or voice? If you're going to call him or skype with him to say it, practice saying it in front of a mirror for a while. You don't need a whole huge speech, just tell him you have something important to say and tell him. Let it sink in and when he asks questions give him the links and articles and whatever questions remain he can ask you. Let him know you were not hiding this to hurt him but because it is a difficult subject and since your relationship is young, it's hard to judge how much trust you guys have.

[13000km]

I can see why you'd be afraid, it's not like you would tell him you have a cold or happen to have a scar somewhere, it's an active disease that you probably have faced judgment and ridicule over.

My suggestion would be to prepare some links and reading material for him about Lupus, basically everything you want him to know, and have that on hand when you tell him. Have you thought about how you would tell him, whether via text or voice? If you're going to call him or skype with him to say it, practice saying it in front of a mirror for a while. You don't need a whole huge speech, just tell him you have something important to say and tell him. Let it sink in and when he asks questions give him the links and articles and whatever questions remain he can ask you. Let him know you were not hiding this to hurt him but because it is a difficult subject and since your relationship is young, it's hard to judge how much trust you guys have.

This. Let him know why you were afraid to tell him. I also suggest you tell him before/when you meet so you don't end up pushing your body too hard. You're a brave young woman and I admire that.

[g_girl143]

I can actually relate. Prior to me, finally agreeing to be in a relationship with my SO, I confessed to him something about myself, which for years, has kept me from having a full, happy relationship with anyone. Now, if he loves you, I mean truly loves you, he would accept you no matter what, just like my SO did to me.

So go ahead and tell him. If he accepts it, then, he's worth it. If not, then he's not. Think of this as a test. I wish you both the best of luck *hugs*

[Moon]

You have to tell him, and you should do it before your visit. If you let it go, and don't tell him, it might make him angry you kept it from him. This isn't a secret you can keep forever, so you may as well get it over with. Sure, there is always a chance he won't accept you, but wouldn't you rather find that out sooner rather than later, when you're even more involved?

If there's a chance he can't deal with it, it's only fair to him that you be honest with him and give him the opportunity to decide what he needs to do next. You're a brave girl and a fighter, you must be to be able to deal with this, so just do the right thing. It'll most likely be fine, and he'll be understanding during the visit, which'll protect your health. Good luck!

[agentholli]

You have to tell him. The longer it goes, the more he is going to be hurt by it. He will be hurt that you kept something from him. I can relate. I have fibromyalgia and I am in constant pain, and I sometimes can't even get out of bed. Sometimes i can't do the things that I want to do because of the pain. I have had 4 surgeries on my feet, and in constant pain with them as well, and I was serisously afraid that when he knew that, he would not like me anymore.

I finally realized that if he couldn't love me because I have this disease, then he just can't love me. He isn't worth it to me...the person I want to be with has to love me for me, not for someone I can pretend to be. So I told him, and he was so sad for me. I had all the information about fibro to give to him, and he asked a lot of questions. I was getting really scared about the questions he was asking, thinking he was asking trying to find something to not like me for. But he was asking to get to know what was happening with me.

When I was in so much pain, I didn't want to bother him with it. With my illness, everyone thinks I am just complaining and can't handle things, or think that I am just dumb, so I don't usually complain to people. When we would be on the phone, I would cringh and he would say what was wrong, so I would tell him, and he would be upset with me that I didn't tell him before that I was in pain.

I was afraid he wouldn't understand, but he is the ONLY one that understands it. He still loved me for me, and it was a huge relief when I told him.

[Boniouk]

I would also tell him before you meet. He won't have a problem with it, and if he does, he isn't the right person for you, as hard as that might be to think about now. Tell him.

Also, if it does cause a problem, it would be uncomfortable for him and you. and when you first meet, i would say, in my experience, the very first thing you need for it to go well, is comfort.

[Tanja]

I can only emphasize what others have said - tell him and tell him soon. The sooner you tell him, the more time he has to let it sink in before your meeting. The longer you keep it from him the more hurt he will be when he does find out.

There was a couple here a long time ago who was in the same situation but I haven't seen them in a long time now and I've been wondering how the guy is doing (he had a similar decease). They were very in love and planned their visits so that he didn't get too strained and made sure he had plenty of rest. It sounded like a full, committed relationship and the illness only brought them closer together.

If he is meant for you, he will accept this. If he can't, then he's not the right guy for you. Stay strong and let us know how it all goes!

[Kyla]

I can relate as I have a similar chronic illness and agree with what the others have said. I, too, was afraid to tell my SO about being sick. I had no idea how he would react and was anticipating the worst. We were talking one night as I was laying in bed and I felt like it was the right to tell him. I had some difficulty putting words to what I was trying to explain, but my SO was extremely supportive. He sat there and listened/encouraged me as I tried to explain myself. It turned out all my worrying had been for nothing. My SO was extremely supportive and told me how thankful he was that I shared that information with him. In the end, it really helped out relationship because he knew how much trust I had him (being willing to divulge that information) and I was comfortable letting him know when I needed a break to go have a nap or something.

I`d suggest practising so you have an idea of what you`re going to say when it comes up, but otherwise, don`t worry about it too much. If your SO is right for you, he`ll be completely understanding. Good luck!

[Shani]

Thank you very much everyone for your lovely replies.
It's the fact that I dislike it a lot to make people worry so much, once they know they just automatically do-
As I know this is normal when you love someone dearly.
But often the issue is they at first accept it(Had it with previous friendships mainly)
And afterwards...They are afraid to be 'around' me because of the fear of my dying or however, even if it's in a few years or not at all(No one can predict as people whom posted here with a similiar illness know aswell)
It's just that I often struggle expressing myself or finding right words to explain something all due to this aswell, so it'd honestly be a big relief if I manage to find the strength and tell him about it when we talk by voice.
As I find this more personal than just texting it+I want to see his honest reaction.
He'd automatically understand hopefully then why I sometimes may misunderstand things a lot or say things that don't really make sense/struggle explaining some things in real life or easily forget.

I just know he'd notice it when he's here so I do assume too it'd be better to tell him about all of this before he comes to see me.
At first I thought it wouldn't do no harm telling him when we are really together in real life, as our relation is still young.
So I though that it wouldn't be much of an issue or cause him a lot of hurt because of me 'hiding' this from him.

But if I do think about it, after reading all the replies on here...
I have to agree it might be more of a relief to tell it as soon as possible and have some resources/links that explain it better if he wants to know more about it.
I'm sure this also will give me the ability to relax and not worry about this constantly, thinking how he'll react or what he'll say, if he'll ditch me or this or not etc.
I'd be more than happy to finally be able and 100% open up to him.
Right now I already am myself it's just that 'secret' that prevents me from totally opening up a bit.
Because I feel as if I'm hiding something/lying a bit.
Although I know it's not really the case but I know that it's important to have honesty in a relationship.

Thank you all again for your sweet replies and advice.

[Boniouk]

Best of luck