The boyfriend/guy friend issue...

[AmandaPanda]

Right now I am involved in an LDR relationship (also military relationship), and I just wanted advice on something that has been bothering me... Just a warning, this will be long, but any advice would be appreciated.

Okay, so I've got a boyfriend and a really close guy friend. You've heard the scenario before. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and love him to death. However, up until I got into a relationship with my boyfriend, I had very strong feelings for my guy friend. We have been pretty much best friends since grammar school, and a little crush has always existed- but he was always interested/involved with other girls and we never attempted a relationship. Yet, he always took me on "dates as friends," such as going to movies, spending the day in the city, dinners, etc. I've always felt like he always had feelings for me too. His problem was that whenever he got a girlfriend, he would kind of ditch me for them and I would go months without seeing/talking to him.

Well, he and his long term girlfriend recently split and he's been wanting to hang out with me a lot. My boyfriend is in the service and halfway across the country, so we can't spend much time together, but we do talk everyday and make plans for the future, etc. We are very committed to each other and have talked about our future together. Well, guy friend basically spilled his heart to me recently and told me he always loved me and wishes he dated me back in high school, and now feels like he missed his chance with me... and blah blah blah. The thing is, I love my guy friend too (not romantically). But I can't help but feel like I still have those lingering feelings for him from those years I did like him...

Now me and guy friend have been hanging out quite a bit lately. He doesn't try anything with me, we just hang out as friends. I'm just confused right now because I love both my boyfriend and guy friend very much, and don't want to lose either of them. I feel terrible, but that thought can't help but cross my mind sometimes- of that maybe me and my guy friend are suppose to be together?

I guess I'm just seeking advice. I do want to hang out with my guy friend a lot because I don't have too many friends to begin with and we have always hung out. But I don't want to lose my boyfriend either. And I don't know if maybe the only reason I'm feeling like this is because my boyfriend is so far away and we don't get to hang out like me and my guy friend do? I don't know if my guy friend is just filling the void of him not being there and maybe that's why I'm starting to have some feelings, or if it's genuine? He never gave me the time of day before... And it's tough because there are many similarities between by boyfriend and guy friend. Similar interests, like doing the same things, travel, even similar "family issues."

I'm not sure if my feelings for my guy friend are valid, or if its only because I liked him for so long in the past... And because of the fact that I can actually see him, unlike my boyfriend. And if my boyfriend was here, would I still have those feelings?

I love my boyfriend very much, and am extremely happy with him... I'm just worried now about the whole "who I was truly meant for" thing. Especially when I used to believe that me and guy friend were meant for each other (obviously before I got into my relationship).

[LadyMarchHare]

Well I think in this case it may be best to put distance between yourself and this guy friend, not because it could lead anywhere, but he pretty much made the friendship very awkward by admitting these feelings up out of nowhere when he knows you're taken. It's also confusing because you've had feelings for him and with the admission it brings into question everything you feel for either guy, pretty much needlessly complicating things. The distance doesn't have to be forever, but right now I honestly believe it would be better for you.

[AmandaPanda]

You're probably right about the distancing each other thing. It's just hard because I do want to hang out with him a lot since I do enjoy his company... But I agree it would be best for everyone if we distanced each other. I would hate it if my boyfriend were in a similar situation with a female friend. That's why I do turn down some invitations to things he invites me too, although I would like to say yes.

And if I go a few days without seeing guy friend, I'm usually fine and those thoughts don't come out often... But usually after I see him, I start with the questioning thing again.

Also, would it be a wise to tell my boyfriend about what my guy friend admitted to me? Probably not, right?

[Engel]

Well, guy friend basically spilled his heart to me recently and told me he always loved me and wishes he dated me back in high school, and now feels like he missed his chance with me... and blah blah blah.

Your guy friend is like a spoilt little boy. That had a toy he put aside to play with other toys. He didnt care to play with that specific toy (in this case you), because he knew the toy would be there for him whenever he felt like playing with it.
Them, another kid in the kindergarten goes and takes the toy. And only plays with the toy,


In the moment his other toys are taken away from him (in this case his girlfriend) he turns around to search the toy he knew would always be there. And doesnt find it. Because somewhere along the way, when he was too distracted playing with another toy, someone else got the toy for himself.

Well, as you see, in my opinion he is just trying something with you because he cant have you now. and he wants to prove to himself that he can have you if he wants. how many times were both of you single and he never tried anything? he just got out of a relationship, he wants something to get distracted with. and you are not just a distraction girl.

[AmandaPanda]

Your guy friend is like a spoilt little boy. That had a toy he put aside to play with other toys. He didnt care to play with that specific toy (in this case you), because he knew the toy would be there for him whenever he felt like playing with it.
Them, another kid in the kindergarten goes and takes the toy. And only plays with the toy,


In the moment his other toys are taken away from him (in this case his girlfriend) he turns around to search the toy he knew would always be there. And doesnt find it. Because somewhere along the way, when he was too distracted playing with another toy, someone else got the toy for himself.

Well, as you see, in my opinion he is just trying something with you because he cant have you now. and he wants to prove to himself that he can have you if he wants. how many times were both of you single and he never tried anything? he just got out of a relationship, he wants something to get distracted with. and you are not just a distraction girl.

That's how I always felt about him, that he "knew" I would always be there, so he would "play with the other toys" for now. The things that just bothered me was even when he was in relationships with other girls, and I was single... He would still take me out on these date-like outings. He would never completely lose touch, just not be around as often. And he did used to talk about "us" even when he was in those relationships, and I would always tell him to stop because he had a girlfriend at the time. So I feel like he did always have a thing for me, but didn't take a chance with me for some reason or another. He did use the excuse of not wanting to ruin our friendship before, but yeah. I just feel like it's reality for him now because this is the real first time I have had another guy besides him in my life.

Think about the movie Made of Honor- their beginning relationship is how our's is. I feel like his "realization" may have come too late.

[Trethsparr]

Also, would it be a wise to tell my boyfriend about what my guy friend admitted to me? Probably not, right?

In regards to this question, I was your boyfriend's position not too long ago.

In October, when I visited my fiance, he told me that a lifelong female friend of his had recently sent him a love letter in the mail, basically revealing her feelings for him. It was similar, in that after we got engaged, she said she felt she had just about missed her chance and had to say something before it was too late. His feelings weren't the same, and he sent her a response that her friendship was important to him, he just was in love with and planned to marry me.

The news really caught me by surprise when he told me, but I really appreciated the fact that he did. In our relationship, we've always emphasized honesty and openness, and his telling me that she had done this was one of his ways of trying to set my mind at ease. I won't try to deny that initially I felt really rattled and a more than a bit freaked at the news (I mean, who likes to hear that sort of thing? I had the normal insecurities.), but we worked through the situation together, and it actually strengthened our relationship because I realized how committed he was to me. I would much rather know something like this as soon as possible than perhaps find out down the road and really introduce that element of doubt, you know?

I wish you luck in this situation - I know it's got to be tough.

[AmandaPanda]

In regards to this question, I was your boyfriend's position not too long ago.

In October, when I visited my fiance, he told me that a lifelong female friend of his had recently sent him a love letter in the mail, basically revealing her feelings for him. It was similar, in that after we got engaged, she said she felt she had just about missed her chance and had to say something before it was too late. His feelings weren't the same, and he sent her a response that her friendship was important to him, he just was in love with and planned to marry me.

The news really caught me by surprise when he told me, but I really appreciated the fact that he did. In our relationship, we've always emphasized honesty and openness, and his telling me that she had done this was one of his ways of trying to set my mind at ease. I won't try to deny that initially I felt really rattled and a more than a bit freaked at the news (I mean, who likes to hear that sort of thing? I had the normal insecurities.), but we worked through the situation together, and it actually strengthened our relationship because I realized how committed he was to me. I would much rather know something like this as soon as possible than perhaps find out down the road and really introduce that element of doubt, you know?

I wish you luck in this situation - I know it's got to be tough.

Thank you so much for your advice. I struggled with this because I didn't want to cause any unnecessary drama, especially since he can't be here. I don't want him to worry about this guy possibly trying to steal me away when he can't be here to do anything about it. I'm just afraid that once I tell him, he won't want me to hang around my friend anymore, which I would understand. I tried to tell him the day it happened over the phone, but we had issues talking that day haha.

[Trethsparr]

Thank you so much for your advice. I struggled with this because I didn't want to cause any unnecessary drama, especially since he can't be here. I don't want him to worry about this guy possibly trying to steal me away when he can't be here to do anything about it. I'm just afraid that once I tell him, he won't want me to hang around my friend anymore, which I would understand. I tried to tell him the day it happened over the phone, but we had issues talking that day haha.

Will you be having a visit with him in the near future? In my SO's situation, I think he got the letter about a week and a half before my visit. He also didn't want to stress me out because he couldn't be there physically to comfort me and didn't want to distress me with 1,000 miles still between us. If you're going to have a visit soon, I could understand wanting to wait to tell him until then. If you don't, perhaps a Skype call (or similar program) if you both have webcams? Something that would give him a better hint of your body language as you're talking to him/some eye contact to help ease his mind. Or, since you mentioned you're in a military LDR, I realize that you might not have as consistent communication or access to these things right away, so a phone call might need to suffice. I wouldn't wait too long to tell him because he might wonder why you waited if you don't have what (in his mind) is a super clear reason, such as wanting to talk to him about it in person.

I have to admit that he will probably feel threatened at first. I know I did, mostly because I felt kind of like she was trying to go behind my back and "steal" him from me. It's an unsettling thing to realize that since I wasn't there to see him regularly that something like that could happen (although, honestly, it probably would have happened if we were close distance at the time). Particularly, your SO may want you to set some pretty clear boundaries with your friend, who, as LadyMarchHare mentioned, put you in a pretty awkward situation when he confessed feelings to you knowing that you were already in a committed relationship. I'd like to think that your SO wouldn't give you an ultimatum like, "Don't hang out with him or else!" because he's a lifelong friend of yours and the situation's not nearly that simple. It will probably at least require you putting some significant distance between the two of you for awhile. As I mentioned before, being as transparent as you can and communicating with your SO through all this is one of the best ways you have to put his mind at ease.

But I do want you to know that these things happen, and you shouldn't blame yourself if your friend suddenly decided to change the dynamic between you two and try to turn your relationship into something more. I'm hoping that you'll all be able to reach a compromise with them that you're comfortable with.

[AmandaPanda]

Trethsparr- thank you again for that. I am actually going out to see him in about a month, so I'll wait for then to tell him in person (although there will be a little bit of time between the actual incident and when I tell him... but I feel like it'll be easier for the both of us to tell him in person). It's just so complicated and I wish my friend never did that. He knew what he was doing, especially with his whole "I hope your boyfriend knows how amazing you are, and treats you right" spiel. It just caused a lot of complications because now I kinda feel guilty for hanging out with him. Not only because my boyfriend doesn't know his feelings towards me, but also because I feel like I might be making my guy friend believe I'm interested? They're the two most important guys in my life so it's just a sticky situation haha. I don't want to hurt or lose either of them... And I love them both, just in different ways.

I'll keep you updated though and let you know what happens

[Trethsparr]

Oh, not a problem. Please do update if/when you have the chance. I'm hoping for all to be well.

[Engel]

I would much rather know something like this as soon as possible than perhaps find out down the road and really introduce that element of doubt, you know?

I wish you luck in this situation - I know it's got to be tough.

If it was me i would rather know as well. and if it was with me, I would tell my boyfriend also. just put yourself in the persons shoes. is what i take as a rule for my actions. if i was the person (this case your boyfriend) how would i feel if my girlsfriend didnt tell me something like this? how woukd i feel if she did? wich option would i preffer?

[Engel]

Trethsparr- thank you again for that. I am actually going out to see him in about a month, so I'll wait for then to tell him in person (although there will be a little bit of time between the actual incident and when I tell him... but I feel like it'll be easier for the both of us to tell him in person). It's just so complicated and I wish my friend never did that. He knew what he was doing, especially with his whole "I hope your boyfriend knows how amazing you are, and treats you right" spiel. It just caused a lot of complications because now I kinda feel guilty for hanging out with him. Not only because my boyfriend doesn't know his feelings towards me, but also because I feel like I might be making my guy friend believe I'm interested? They're the two most important guys in my life so it's just a sticky situation haha. I don't want to hurt or lose either of them... And I love them both, just in different ways.

I'll keep you updated though and let you know what happens

Oh, not a problem. Please do update if/when you have the chance. I'm hoping for all to be well.

I agree is best to wait until you see him in person. and the best of luck, hope whatever happens, you are happy.