My boyfriend and I need to have "the talk"

[Snap]

I previously discussed my story in this thread:

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For a summary of my situation, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over 6 months now. I found out a couple of months ago that I would be moving 200 miles away for work-related stuff. At that time, we discussed and decided upon taking everything day by day and close to my moving day we’ll come to a final decision of whether or not to continue the relationship by doing LDR or breaking up. Well, the time is coming up in a few weeks and so we need to have “the talk” very soon, probably within a week or two. The problem is I don’t know what to say and how to prepare myself for the worse case scenario (he wants to break up).

I want to tell him that I like him a lot and that I at least want to try a LDR since we have nothing to lose and although we both have bad histories with LDRs, the distance this time isn’t too terrible. I also want to end the distance in 1 year or 2 years. But I don’t know how to effectively tell him that and also how to not get over-emotional. Sometimes when I get nervous and emotional, I start making really pessimistic statements and that’s not going to help my situation.

I’m worrying myself sick over this. I especially have this bad feeling that he's not even gonna want to try a LDR since all of his past relationships have ended in LDR due to lack of visits. Anyone have any advice on how to approach this, have things to say, and prepare myself?

Thank you so so much in advance! Even if we end up breaking up, all of the help I've received on this site has been amazing, and I really appreciate it.

[LadyMarchHare]

What about writing down what you want to say ahead of time either on paper or on note card and either reading from them or using it as a prompt? A lot of times writing things down helps because you have the chance to edit or erase what you've written when with words you don't get that chance nor do you get the time to think about everything, it has to get out right then.

It honestly can go just two ways, he accepts or he doesn't. And most times how you think you'll react won't be how you do, so really there's no real way to prepare yourself except to know what options there are and be determined to make the best of things. Tell him you care about him and wouldn't want to lose what you two have just because of bad incidents in the past, because after all you're not his past and he's not yours so there is always chance things will go differently, especially if you've learned from what has happened before. But it has to be understood that you both have to be committed to making this work, that you can't be entirely responsible just because you're the one moving or that he can't because he's the one staying behind. Equal balance.

[Snap]

Thanks, LMH, I appreciate it. Right now I'm making myself very physically sick just thinking about it. I was going to wait until next week to talk to him but now I just want to get it over with within the next few days. I feel like a bad guy almost by springing this upon him suddenly but he knew that we were going to have to have this discussion eventually. But you're right; he will either accept it or won't. If I had to put a number to the chances of him accepting it, I'd say 10%. I'm not saying that because I'm pessimistic. I'm just being realistic based on certain characteristics and values of his.

I figure though that at least I'll know how much he values me and the relationship. If he doesn't value me enough because I won't be conveniently local for him, then I suppose that says a lot about him and probably not worth my time anyway, right? I mean, after 6 months, you should have a good idea of how invested you want to be in the relationship, right?

[MusicalSoul22]

6 months is the perfect milestone to discuss whee the relationship is going. You're just going to have to explain the situation. On the bright side this could be the LDR that will work. Since you both know what challenges to expect it should be better. Just make sure to keep communication open and make time for each other. I think you should def go for it. Otherwise you would keep wonderinng What If. I agree you should write out the shpiel first though. Then you can cross out the bad stuff. Its ok to have doubts..but maybe you should make a list of the bad thoughts then make a countering list of the good ones.

[nicole]

My So and I had to have this conversation to go LD. We had had an emotional heart to heart the night before and I decided the next morning, enough was enough. We'd been putting this conversation off for too long, and I wanted to know whether we should just cut ties there, or if we were going to do the LD thing.

Basically, I layed out what I wanted, I didn't want to end it, and I was planning on closing the distance within a certain time frame. He voiced his concerns and what he wanted (he was afraid he'd be holding me back you see), and we made our decisions from what we both wanted, and here we are nearly a year later. Still together, our plans have changed a lot since then too, but we've been muddling along for this long...

Like LMH suggested, I would maybe try to write down what you want from this, what your plans. time frames are if you have them, and if you have answers to any concerns he might have, write them down too. Even if you don't have the list with you when you have the talk, it may help organize your thoughts a bit, and help you calm down. I know I was freaking out when our time for this came up, but it had to happen, if you don't want to end it, even if he doesn't agree, you can say you tried

[Snap]

Yeah, I figured that even if I wasn't going LD, I'd probably want to have a conversation similar to this one sooner or later just to make sure we're both on the same page 6 months out.

I'm glad everything is working out for you, Nicole, after your discussion. My original plan was to wait a couple of days before I moved to have the talk but I figure at this point, that's only a few weeks away. I doubt much is going to change between now and a few weeks. It's really eating away at me so I figured it would be best just to do it sooner rather than later. I also don't want to wait until the last minute because it will suck moving a day after a fresh breakup. At least if it were to happen now I would have my friends nearby for a couple of weeks to comfort and distract me.

I'm gonna start off the conversation by acknowledging that there are still a few weeks left before I move, but I want to hear what his thoughts are now. I'll tell him that I really want to give it a try, it would be so unfortunate if we gave up our awesome compatibility due to 200 miles, and it's not like I plan to be away forever. Based on my timeline, we will either close the distance exactly 1 year from now or exactly 2 years from now. Then I'll hear what he has to say. It's going to suck if he's going to want to cut ties because he's been talking about all these cool things he wants us to do together in the next coming weeks. I'm not going to want to do any of them if he doesn't want to try an LDR. He did, however, make a joke about some stuff he could do for my birthday, which will happen after I move away. That may imply that he does intend to stick around, but he may not have realized what he was saying

[nicole]

it's one of those things, you never know whats going to happen till you've taken the plunge I'm afraid- I was terrified, the way my SO was talking, it sounded like he wanted to break up, but when I explained what my plans were, etc, it came to light he didn't want to break up either, but was afraid I was changing all my plans for him. We had that conversation about a month before I left- like you it was eating me up and I needed to know what was happening. If he's saying stuff about your birthday, that may be a good sign But good luck anyway, I know it's nerve-wracking, but if you feel it's time for this, it's definitely time- I wish you the best!

[Snap]

I had planned and rehearsed this big speech and how I was going to broach the subject but it ended up not going as how I planned. Anyway, he said that he hadn't been thinking about it much but he said that these things are better off being decided once you're actually distanced apart because we don't know how hard it will be. I agreed but then I said that right now all I want to know is if he at least wants to give it a try. He said that he would and we'll just see how things go.

It was very anti-climatic. I'm extremely surprised that he wants to try things out LD but he had a pessimistic tone of voice again, just like when I first found out I was moving. But he also said that this is something a lot of young people have to do these days and gave an example of a girl that he works with that's in a LDR. I still feel disappointed but I don't know why. It's obvious that he can't make any promises like we will for certain 100% stay together, because no one knows that. No one can see into the future. But I guess that's what I want: certainty.