really struggling still.....could really use some positive advice :|

[brittany2022]

Hey everyone, sorry in advance that this is so long :[

I previously posted here just a little over a month ago and am still having a hard time.

To sum that post up, I (22f) have been dating him (22m) for just over a year and found out he almost cheated on me multiple times. Some don't think what he did constitutes as cheating since he never kissed another girl (the worst he did was kiss a girls neck before pulling away and some girl went in for a kiss and lips touched before he could pull away). However, my mind see's this as cheating considering he let this happen more than one time, with more then one girl. I can't help but think that way, I really can't.

I think I am writing here to simply vent and to get some POSITIVE encouragement...but mainly to just cry and let everything out. I am being pulled in so many emotional directions that I can't think logically any more.

To start, nothing worse has happened or has been ‘confessed’ since that last post. We've had about one major fight since then and many discussions about everything going on. I know he's not hiding anything from me and has been telling the truth since he came forward about everything. He’s having a hard time as well with everything dealing with all of his guilt of what he’s done. Enough that he’s looking into seeing a therapist.

But now here's all my issues...I think I'll just number them.

1. I KNOW I still love him but when I say "I love you" back to him when he says it, I don't get that feeling any more, that feeling of being SO deeply in love with him. I get more scared or annoyed....I guess hesitant. But I want that feeling back. Before this all, I was 100% positive this was the man I was going to marry (…in 4 years or so…we’ve talked about it previously). I was so deeply in love and had “that feeling of being in love”. Now talking about marriage I freak out and don’t even want to think about it...I don’t know what I want anymore. Do I really want to marry him like I used to? Am I just so hurt that I’m being blinded by what I truly feel?

2. I feel like there's a part of me that just staying with him, to stay with him. That I am just settling until I find better. But at the same time, 1) I don’t necessarily WANT to find better or think there’s better out there 2) I KNOW that it’s not fair to him to string him along and keep giving him hope that we will work out. But then I go to how I deserve better then how he’s treated me in the past and that someone out there would never do that to me. However, I then think about how I will never be able to trust another man or have another successful relationship and maybe I’m just scared to let go and not have him in my life. I have struggled with trust issues all of my life…since I was a little girl. My parents have no idea why, but it’s something I’ve always dealt with. It took me basically an entire year to trust my current SO (when I thought there wasn’t anything for me to worry about with him and that he would NEVER EVER do something like this to hurt me) so obviously I have personal issues there.

We’re trying to work this out. We really are. I know he’s doing EVERYTHING in this world to make me feel better and to show he’s changing and has changed. Last week he moved from NJ to Chicago (I live in MI) for his other internship and visited me this weekend (just left actually….left on a sad note since this is so hard to deal with and not knowing what I want :[ ) and he’s coming back on Friday for the weekend again. I KNOW he wants this to work out more than anything but I just can’t seem to get over what he’s done. Although it was nice seeing him this weekend, it just wasn't the same (then again not expected to be since this is the first time since I've seen him since all of this), I also felt like I was being fake or not true? I dont know. I love him but is love enough? I hope so, but at the same time I am so scared to be with him but so scared to be without him. I don’t want to get hurt a year from now (plus, I am most likely moving out of the country for 2.5 years this Fall). He knows that the possibility of me breaking up with him is high but he refuses to break up with me or to give up on trying to win me and my trust back. Today he asked why I wouldn’t just break up with him today, and a part of me considers it but then I just start crying because I don’t want to lose him. I simply replied “I’m not ready to break up with you” and he said good that he’ll keep trying no matter what, even if that’s the outcome through this all.

I just don’t know what to do. I am trying, REALLY TRYING, to stay positive about this all and move forward with him. However, the negatives of all of this (like moving out of country, being long distance) or the images of him with other girls always seem to invade those positive thoughts. I am starting to see a therapist next week to help with this all, too.

Like I stated before, I just really needed to vent and am looking for any positive encouragement that I can get. Anything that will help me recognize and understand that whatever the outcome is, with or without him, things will be okay and I will figure this all out and be happy again. I think I have been negative enough and been extremely doubtful that I can’t take anything negative from anyone (I'm even hesitant to post this :[ ). I know that I am the only one who can make a decision to keep pushing forward or to break up but again, words of encouragement and positively it really what I need right now...:[

Again, sorry this is long and thanks to anyone who read this. I really do appreciate it so so much.

[brittany2022]

also, it's one of these "do you go with your heart or mind" type of deal.....even though I'm not ready to lose him.....which I guess kind of answers my question but will I ever be able to move past this feeling of bring hurt or betrayed....but still be with him? I just keep talking in circles. I am sorry :[...this is just so so hard and I just want to feel better and happy and to stop crying :[

[Mara]

I think overall you need to do what is going to make you happy. As long as you do what's going to make you happy, everything will be fine in the future. Don't think of the situation as not being with or being with him, think about it as what outcome is going to genuinely make me happy.

You will figure everything out in time. Just give it some time and then don't like fear, anger, hurt or anything else stop you from doing what you know you need to do.

[leonsfangirl]

BIG hugs to you chick.

Something like this takes time to get over, you can't expect to go back to the way they were too quickly. If you feel he can earn your trust back and you can forgive him then keep going and take it slowly. It looks like he's trying his hardest for you, that doesn't make what he did ok but it does show he regrets it and wants to move on with you.
Best thing you can do is take your time, be honest with him with regards to how you feel.
Keep your head up, things will get better soon enough.
x

[Malaga]

also, it's one of these "do you go with your heart or mind" type of deal.....even though I'm not ready to lose him.....which I guess kind of answers my question but will I ever be able to move past this feeling of bring hurt or betrayed....but still be with him? I just keep talking in circles. I am sorry :[...this is just so so hard and I just want to feel better and happy and to stop crying :[

I'm so so sorry, this is a nightmare situation, and I'd also be devastated in your place. *big hug*
Personally I wouldn't be able to get over it. Cheating is absolutely a no-go in our relationship, we've both made it clear, and what your boyfriend did was exactly that, in my opinion, so don't worry about it "technically" being cheating or not. You're not overreacting. The act itself is irrelevant, whether it was sex, kiss or whatever. It's the fact he willingly put himself in these situations more than once, and he actively participated up to a point (kissing a girl on the neck, holding hands, sexting etc). But I won't get into that.

When you say, it's a heart vs. mind situation, what do you think your heart tells you in this situation, and what does your mind tell you?

[brittany2022]

I agree on having to do what will make ME happy….thing is, I don’t know if I will be happier with or without him. I am in such a mind game right now, like I said, I can’t even think clearly. I find a positive just to find a negative or vise versa.

Would breaking up with him reallllly make me happy? It would take the hurt and pain away and let me go on with an easier life….but is that just an easy way out? Is that me just giving up rather on just trying? Or do I keep pushing forward and forgive everything he’s done (which really isn’t the issue. I am still horribly upset about it all but willing and want to forgive. Really it’s all forgiven, so to speak. It really about moving PAST this and looking at him and not seeing BETRAYAL across his face that is now always so sad it hurts :[ )

I know I love him. I just miss that feeling of BEING in love. You know, that feeling. Its such an amazing feeling and I miss it. I want it back.

I know it’s going to take time I really do. Time is just ticking though for me since I may be heading to vet school in the Caribbean for 2.5-3 years. If we can’t fix this before then, unfortunately, I will simply have to give up. I can’t go out of country to start something very important in my life still dealing with this all. It’s funny because before this all happened I saw 2.5-3 years as NOTHING! It was a jokeee to me! I was 100% (overly confident, clearly) positive we would make it through this with some minor bumps but none the less make it! Now, I don’t know if we can/will or I want to marry him (which is so scary to even say considering again, I was 100% sure I was going to previously).

As for my heart and my mind *sigh*

Its so complicated. My heart says to stay you loved this man SO much before that you wanted to marry him. My mind tells me that the easy thing would be to break up and move on. I just want to get back to the point of “loving” him again. It’s not that I DON’T want to because I DO want to get over this and I WANT to “love him again” its just allowing my mind and heart to, if that makes sense.

I know this might not be appropriate for this form but the only really good way to describe it is that it’s a huge “mind fuck”. Plain and simple. I have no 75% confidence to chose one way or the other, its probably 1% in 100 different emotions.

Boo. I just want things to go back to normal. That’s all I really want. I wonder if it will ever get to that point I really do. If it doesn’t before I leave, I think I know what I have to do ☹