some advice would be really helpful

[jennten]

Hey all,
I know that one of the main issues with LDR's is being upset about not seeing your SO. I guess you could say that I've been dealing with it... less than admirably. My problem is this: if we don't Skype for a while, I don't like it, but pretty much every time we do Skype, I get upset. I think that seeing him reminds me that he's not with me (which is kind of counter intuitive since it's really all I have and it's far better than nothing). I usually cry or something and we have to have a big long talk about it. I just want to have a normal, non-depressing conversation with him, but it's like the distance is all I can focus on. He's been so patient with me, but he really wants me to figure out a way not to be so sad when we Skype because it makes him upset, which usually just makes me more upset.

Has anybody else experienced something like this- when the thing that's supposed to make your LDR bearable is actually making it even harder? Maybe I should just suck it up, and feel free to tell me so. That's easier said than done, but I welcome all advice.

[emforever]

I have the same problem! Like sometimes I just don't even want to talk because it makes things worse. I've learned to just suck it up because not talking hurts him. As long as you can discuss the problem, it will probably all work out

[jennten]

We can discuss it, the only problem is, it takes over our conversations. Him trying to make me feel better and me trying to feel better, but just getting more upset because he tends to get anxious. =/
It's good to know I'm not the only one though. It's better than not talking to him, but he said tonight that he really wants me to try and fix this because he's tired of all our Skype conversations being sad.

[Micah]

I don't know how long you've been together, but I think that with time it helps. I have moments where I talk to my SO and all I want to do is cry and whine because I'd rather be with him. Instead, I just take some deep breaths and try to appreciate that we can talk, even if we aren't together. I used to waste our conversations with being sad, but it doesn't get us anywhere telling one another how much we miss each other and how sad we are because it's just a fact of life and we can't do anything about it. With time, I learned how to deal with the distance and the sadness that comes with it a little easier. I found that if I wasn't in the right frame of mind to talk (feeling way too emotional), I would just take a step back and calm myself before having a conversation. Sometimes it takes some major self control and awareness of how you are acting to do this. Also, it just makes the conversations more fun if you don't focus on the distance and instead focus on having fun and appreciating each other. I don't know if that helps at all, but you are in control of your emotions, so knowing that you want to have less depressing conversations is the first step.

[Trethsparr]

How long have you two been long-distance? Did you start close distance or long distance?

[jennten]

We've only been long distance for 2 weeks and we've been together for 4 months today. Really, we won't be long distance for too long, (which sometimes makes me feel rather dumb for complaining) but I mentioned in my introduction post that it's the transition that's been hard. The sudden shift from being constantly with each other to only having online/text/phone contact has been really jarring.

Thanks for that advice, Micah, it's actually very helpful.

[Ianthe]

I have the same problem at times - it's especially bad right after a visit. I'll wait anxiously all day for work to be over with so I can run home and hop on Skype, only to fall apart when I hear his voice, because the memory of him being right next to me is still so fresh in my mind. Micah is right - time does help with this pain. Until then, I'd suggest coming up with a list of things to do together...coming up with fun distractions will keep you from having the pain in the front of your mind.

On a weird but effective note, I'll also mention that having something yummy to drink (or water) at your desk helps stop potential tears before they have a chance to develop into full-blown waterworks. Obviously it isn't a long-term solution, but it's helpful to buy you some time to step back and take a few deep breaths.

[Sloppy Joe]

I don't really cry all too much. My lady does though, mostly only when I've been a complete jerk, or just after a visit when I'm about to leave. It happens every time. If he loves you, he'll continue to deal with it. That's just the plain and simple of it. She cries every single time. I've come to a point where it's rather normal and I don't mind. I'll console her just the same and do what I can to make her happy and we'll eventually be able to move on.

I don't know what I can recommend for you though. I don't know you, your situation, your triggers or any of that. Now, I'll understand if you're not the religious type, however I am. I find prayer helped me be less of a jerk. I used to cuss and call names and all sorts of stuff to my girl, over nothing. I was a complete a-hole, no doubt about it. To change my behavior, I started praying more often. It worked for me. If you're not the religious type, but you're the spiritual type or whatever, maybe you can find an alternative for yourself (meditation, self-hypnosis, or what have you) that might work you. That's the best I can recommend without knowing you all that well.

[jennten]

On a weird but effective note, I'll also mention that having something yummy to drink (or water) at your desk helps stop potential tears before they have a chance to develop into full-blown waterworks. Obviously it isn't a long-term solution, but it's helpful to buy you some time to step back and take a few deep breaths.

This sounds like it would help a lot. I have noticed that I tend to flail with my hands for something to do, never find anything and end up just sobbing. Thank you!

You sound like my boyfriend, Sloppy Joe. He's incredibly patient and never loses his temper with me or my crying fits. We always eventually get past the sad parts in our conversations and go on to talk like we normally do, but it's just hard having to go through that every time we Skype, which is almost every day.
Thanks for the advice.

[NaNi]

Skype talks can get me sad as well. Especially when I'm seeing my SO on webcam and I realize just how far she's away from me, even though I can see her on my screen. It's also really bad after a visit. When I came back to Germany the last time we hopped on webcam, said "Hi..." and started crying.