I scared him, he pissed me off

[lucybelle]

During the day I wrote up some of my future goals to see how I could invest my money. Seeing as though my SO is part of my life I found it necessary to let him know what my future goals were as well. It was all going well until I got to this part:

5 year goal: Get married
10 year goal: Start a family

What I meant was within 5 years I can see myself getting married (so right around when I turn 30) and in 10 years I can see myself having kids (around 34 or so). My SO first didn't say anything. I asked him what he thought about it. He still didn't say anything. Then he said "You shouldn't tell me these things while I'm driving. I could have a heart attack."

What?! Seriously? I mean I'm moving down to his country to live with him. He's 30 years old and can't see maybe settling down with me in five more years? Why is he playing this card with me? I want to get married one day, and he can't even consider talking about it? What the hell? I'm pretty pissed about his reaction, but I didn't say anything. Now I feel like it's too late to discuss again...

What should I do? Why did he react like that?

[Rach321]

I'm sorry.

My boyfriend reacts the same way sometimes- one day he'll be talking about what our future wedding will be like, then if I bring it up a few days later, he freaks out.

Have you had a chance to talk to him about it? Do you think he meant it, or was it just a knee-jerk reaction? If I were you, I'd let him know that you are concerned, not because you want to pressure him in anyway (5 years is a long way off, and 10 years even more!), but because it's important to you that you can talk about these things as a committed couple.

Best wishes!

[Silviar]

Mmm, tricky. It's perfectly reasonable to want to discuss marriage, and this isn't the first time he's reacted negatively to you saying you want to get married. On the other hand, 5 years is awhile.

Have you tried asking him where he sees this relationship heading - as in, what your end goals are? If he doesn't say eventually getting married, then I think you have you answer. :/ Sure he could change his mind, but you really don't know, and if he's not wanting to really settle down, then it's unfair to you to tie your boat to his anchor.

[Mara]

I think the two of you are going to have to have a serious discussion about this. If marriage is really important to you, which it sounds like it is, then it's only fair that the two of you talk about this early on and get an idea of where you both stand. Maybe the thought of marriage and a family just makes him nervous? My SO wants to get married and have a family, but I think the actually tangible idea of us being married in a few years or having kids makes him a little nervous.

[Sloppy Joe]

I don't know how long you all have been together, but a lot of people, men and women alike sometimes get anxious about that stuff. Especially if they haven't really talked about it before. I got anxious a bit too. At first I thought I'd be okay, then I started to almost hyperventilate and I told my SO that we just need to stop talking about it for a while so I could have some time to let it sink in slowly. After a while, I was okay with the idea.

My best advice is just to give him time. For all you know, in his mind, he probably wants to marry you too. However, it's still a scary thought to talk about stuff like that sometimes. So just give it time and let it sink in for him.

[Engel]

I think the two of you are going to have to have a serious discussion about this. If marriage is really important to you, which it sounds like it is, then it's only fair that the two of you talk about this early on and get an idea of where you both stand. Maybe the thought of marriage and a family just makes him nervous? My SO wants to get married and have a family, but I think the actually tangible idea of us being married in a few years or having kids makes him a little nervous.

That. but them again, i dont want to get married right now either. im 22 and my so is 24. i want to get marrried at least when im 24! the ideal would be 26! but we do know that in the future, or we will be married or we wont be together. because im a foreigner in germany so i will eventually have to get married to get my citizenship. and we talk about kids as well. a couple of days ago we saw a video of a little girl singing with her father really cute.
and we both want to have just one kid, a son. i said: if instead of a son we have a daughter, she will be like this with you as well (my so is very much musical) but in the piano instead of the guitar. and he: yes, but i would have to learn the guitar as well to be singing with her.

and yesterday we were talking about when we will have kids. and he was like, as soon as i am stable financially and you are finished with your studies and have a job or a career, is ok. i told him i want to have kids when im 28, tooops 30. and he said that if we have the condition at the time, and he thinks we will, to be able to raise a child (we are talking about money here), he sees no problem with that. when im 28 he will be 30, so not so young. and we are together since i was 20 and he 22, so, by that time we will be 8 or 10 years together. will be only natural to start a family.




How long are you with your so, lucybelle? and you are 24 or 25 now, right? you are still young and you have to see how important those things are for you. i never cared about getting married (now i do because im in a foreign country, yadda yadda visa yadda yadda), but i always wanted to be a mother
and i told this to my so since the very begin, that one day i will be a mother with or without him. and i mean it.
if your so wouldnt want that, would you still be with him? for me this is one of the few things that would be a deal breaker, if he didnt consider having a kid with me someday.

[Malaga]

My best advice is just to give him time. For all you know, in his mind, he probably wants to marry you too. However, it's still a scary thought to talk about stuff like that sometimes. So just give it time and let it sink in for him.

This is good advice I think. When we first got together my boyfriend was banging on about marriage and kids and our future together. As the relationship progressed, suddenly the idea of it got too serious for him to talk about. I thought I should let him know that if we ever get that far, I do want to get married, do not want to have kids out of wedlock, and do it all within a reasonable time. His reaction was pretty much the same as you got. I hated it too but didn't kick up fuss.

He started probing me about it, shyly, every once in a while. So in the past few months I've found out he does seriously consider marriage in due time, which to him means next 4-5 years, and he does want to have his first kid before he's 35 (he's 29 now). These are bits and pieces I picked up over time and multiple conversations.

It's good that you threw it out there. He now knows you're serious about it and although his reaction wasn't ideal, I don't think it's unusual. Just give him some time to process it.

[traditionalgirl75]

I agree with Sloppy Joe, I think you should just give him time. Me & my SO have discussed it many times before, sometimes hes open to talk about it & other times it seems like he shuts me out. I've always dreamed of my wedding & it's something that I deff. want, but he doesn't want to get engaged until were living under the same roof. I can understand that but yet a part of me doesn't want to wait.

[lucybelle]

Thanks for all the replies! To clarify a few things: I'm 24, my SO is 30. We've been together about... 2ish years. We've lived together for over 3 months. And like Silviar said, this isn't the first time he's backed down when I talked about "the future".

After reading all this I was feeling like I needed to bring it up. When we were on the couch he says to me "You know what? I really like your plans for the future. I just needed some time to think about it." Sweeeet. So you guys were 100% right. He just needed to mull over it a bit.

Thanks again!

[Silviar]

Thanks for all the replies! To clarify a few things: I'm 24, my SO is 30. We've been together about... 2ish years. We've lived together for over 3 months. And like Silviar said, this isn't the first time he's backed down when I talked about "the future".

After reading all this I was feeling like I needed to bring it up. When we were on the couch he says to me "You know what? I really like your plans for the future. I just needed some time to think about it." Sweeeet. So you guys were 100% right. He just needed to mull over it a bit.

Thanks again!

My only concern is how this has happened a few times. I still would strongly suggest asking him what he sees the 'end goal' to your relationship being to make sure your ideas of end goals do match. Especially since you're moving to his country to be with him.

[MusicalSoul22]

Well that's a pretty common reaction I think. But obviously it sounds like this is an issue you two need to discuss then. Maybe ask him to make a list of goals..then talk about how you can help each other achieve them. Then you should talk about the future...and that you aren't putting pressure on him to propose..you are simply expressing what logically would happen in 5 years andthat its a reasonable thought. If he disagrees then talk about what he thinks is going to happen in that time.

[Sloppy Joe]

The last two posts are good suggestions, but I still recommend baby steps. Even when I was okay with talking about the future and marriage with my SO, there were times when I didn't want to talk about it at all again. So I recommend that WHEN HE'S IN THE MOOD TO TALK ABOUT THE FUTURE WITH YOU is when you try to make plans with each other and set goals. Also affirm with him that nothing is set in stone, so you guys have plenty of time to talk about everything and change plans if necessary. That way he doesn't feel trapped. Guys are tricky like that. But give him time and before you know it, he'll be willing to talk about marriage all the time. But baby steps. Baby steps.