I'm insecure - tl;dr

[cxs2010]

Hi, I'm new here. This has been really eating away at me lately, and I need some advice. My boyfriend and I met online, we met in his state in January 2011, then again in March 2011, and he came to my state in May. Everything was going perfectly, but then I started getting insecure for no reason. When he was here, I could barely focus on having fun with him, because I was so sad that I thought he was going to find someone else closer. He has always reassured me that his female friends are just friends, and no one new he meets will affect how he feels about me (he's pretty popular). But then I started questioning everything he did. He was mentioning this girl more often, a new person he started hanging out with. I guess I got annoying about it, because I'm supposed to trust him. By this time, I already knew I was acting stupid, and knew I should stop. But how? He finally came to the decision that we should have a break. That was for one day. He said he wanted to be with me, and nothing would change. But I kept thinking, if he wanted a break, it would eventually lead to breaking up. The next day, he told me he just wanted the break because he didn't know if I would be able to trust him anymore, or be okay with the fact that he has friends that are girls. He wanted to stay with me as long as I could just trust him and stop questioning him about everything. He just wanted to avoid all of that, and he didn't wanna feel like a bad boyfriend for not texting me for a weekend, or just hanging out with his friends without needing to constantly text me, etc. I feel like I have ruined it.

Last month, his grandpa was in the hospital, and he really didn't want to talk to me or anyone for a week and a half. We texted, but only when I kept texting him and he was forced to reply. He was really negative about us and our future together, which made me really sad. After that, he said his feelings for me hadn't changed at all, and I didn't do anything to make him feel negative. He was just scared. But then, he told me he had re-read our texts and he felt like he was being way too sappy lovey dovey, and he felt so stupid because usually he's not like that. He was just trying to be cute and didn't realize how dumb it made him feel. So, the pet names and sweetness stopped. I can admit, sometimes it was just a lot, and sometimes we didn't have anything else to talk about, so it was just sappy stuff. He also said he has never been "clingy" like he was with me, calling 3 times a day, so the phone calls stopped except for once a day. Then, he took a road trip and hung out with friends for a weekend and didn't text me at all, which is fine and understandable.

He used to always tell me he wants to marry me, and have babies with me, and be with me forever. That I'm his "one", and he was so optimistic about our life and future together. But since all of this has happened, he hasn't said "forever", or basically just doesn't seem into it or excited or happy about it.

We've mostly been talking about "us" lately, but he said he doesn't like texting constantly, and he likes how much(little) we've been talking, with the exception of phone calls and skype (which haven't been very often lately). He has been saying that if he didn't feel the same for me anymore, we wouldn't be together, and if he didn't love me, he wouldn't say it. With the things that have happened in the past month, it's like I don't know what he wants from me. If we don't talk, how is that a relationship? What keeps him around? Should I just take what I can get, since this is a long distance relationship? It's either talking most of the time, or breaking up and never talking again...

I love him so much. It's so hard to get over little arguments if I can't get a hug or kiss. I can't feel his love for me, so how am I supposed to know he loves me the same as before? Now he just gets annoyed at me if I ask him how he feels. I just feel like his feelings for me will, or already fading, like a self fulfilling prophecy. It just feels different now since things have happened and things have changed. I really want this relationship to work and last. What do I do? How can I be different? I left him alone all of yesterday (Saturday), he didn't talk to me, and he sent a really cheerful sounding good morning text this morning. But then I probably annoyed him by asking what he wants, and that I want to understand better. I don't want it to be like this, always arguing about us.

Am I just supposed to leave him alone and let him come to me? How do I be happy with that? I feel like his feelings will fade if we don't talk very much. Skyping would probably help, but that's so few and far between because he's always busy. I just feel like he doesn't care and isn't putting in effort, but "if he didn't wanna be with me, he wouldn't be". I guess I just don't know how much I should "put up" with. When we talk on the phone lately, it's just talking - nothing cute or sweet or excited to see me. Skyping is the best and way more personal and it's like we're hanging out, but I can't always get that. I see him next Wednesday, and I really don't want things to be different or awkward. Any advice is appreciated...

[kiara_silver]

This is hard to reply to because i can only give advice in my opinions. For me i personally need alot of time with me SO, we already have no face time at all because of the distance. I think if i had to go off of just one or two texts a day for weeks i would feel a bit hurt. Just that he was neglecting me a bit. But everyone is different, some people don't need alot of attention or feel the need to talk alot. This type of relationship is hard. I wouldn't expect to talk everyday if he was busy, but when we do talk i need to have some real time with him, not just a quick 2 minute conversation, but to actually sit and talk. I think stressing to him that you don't want to cling to him or overwhelm him but to find a compromise where you feel a bit more love from him. Sometimes you do need that reassurance, even if you know he loves you its nice to hear it, makes the long distance more bearable.
Trust is very important, if he's telling you nothing is going on with other girls, you need to trust him for this relationship to work. Lol i get jealous to, if i had it my way he would be with me and only me lol, no but he goes out fine, he talks to other girls okay, its his life and he should be allowed to be friends with who he wants. As long as his hearts yours then theres no need to worry.

Sorry i don't have much advice, i would just suggest next time you get the chance to tell him you need to talk. tell him what you need in a relationship, communication is key, and if its meant to work out it will, a relationship is about give and take, to take care of both your needs. So let your needs be heard.

[Mara]

I think you need to be honest with yourself. How much communication do you need and how much do you want so as to not feel insecure? You need to talk with him about the amount of communication that you need if he isn't already meeting your needs. Although, this sounds more like an insecurity issue.

We all have things we are insecure about. The key is not letting these things conquer you or effect your relationship. When he says if he didn't love you he wouldn't be with you, it's true. You have to accept this as fact. You can't let your insecurity come between you and the man you love. Even if you have to repeat to yourself over and over all day that he loves you and wants to be with only you until you know it deep inside and have no more doubt, do that.

Also, I get the feeling that maybe your life isn't as busy as his. One big thing that helps with the distance is keeping busy. Hang out with friends, take up hobbies, get around to projects you've never had time for. Just don't sit at home and wait on him to call/text etc. it's only going to make things seem worse.

[cxs2010]

I can go the whole day without needing to constantly text. I told him I'd like to hear from him at the end of a long day, if not sooner. But for him, I guess weekends are the exception because he's busy all day and goes home and falls asleep. If I leave him alone the whole day, he will still send a happy good morning text the next day. I think the hardest part for me, is going from hearing from him constantly, to perhaps moving out of the "honeymoon" long distance stage, and not needing to be constantly lovey dovey and always texting and calling. It just seems like he feels like his love is enough, whether we talk or not. He's simple. I know he loves me, it's just so hard to feel it in a long distance relationship. I don't get a hug or kiss to make me feel better. I get insecure that his feelings will fade when we don't get to see each other, and he'll fall for someone else closer... and if we don't talk somedays, how will his feelings last? That's what I'm scared of. But if I ask how he feels about me or mention my concern about his feelings fading, it's just annoying to him because who would want to be bothered all the time by that? I just wish I could know if he loves me the same as he did before things changed. He says he does, but it feels different. It's all me.

[folclor]

Be you. Whatever that means, be you. If he likes you, if he loves you, he will respect it. I have had the same problem. When Alex and I first started dating we were talking all the time, he'd sneak on at school and work to IM with me, we video chatted every night, but then he started hanging out with friends more, being less affectionate, etc.

I think it just means he's getting more comfortable with you. It may mean that he's trying to transition into a more normal thing. I mean, seriously, talking 24/7 is nice (especially, it seems, for girls) but eventually you run out of things to say. Just let it flow. Be yourself, don't try to force yourself to stay away or to put more effort into it. *huggles* you'll pull through ^^

[Alexandria Lora]

Be you. Whatever that means, be you. If he likes you, if he loves you, he will respect it. I have had the same problem. When Alex and I first started dating we were talking all the time, he'd sneak on at school and work to IM with me, we video chatted every night, but then he started hanging out with friends more, being less affectionate, etc.

I think it just means he's getting more comfortable with you. It may mean that he's trying to transition into a more normal thing. I mean, seriously, talking 24/7 is nice (especially, it seems, for girls) but eventually you run out of things to say. Just let it flow. Be yourself, don't try to force yourself to stay away or to put more effort into it. *huggles* you'll pull through ^^

I so love this reply... no matter what, be yourself! So Agreed!

If you need a certain amount of 'us' time, then he needs to know. Otherwise, there will be resentment in the future regarding your communication, LDR or CD.

Also, you just have to remember, men are so very different when reacting to difficult situations. They go into themselves or to the 'cave' and re-group. They become focused on either trying to deal with the issue or trying to unwind alone. It has nothing to do with him 'forgetting' you or not needing to talk to you, its just how some men are...

But everyone that has replied has given awesome advice.... trust and communication.... its the only way for any relationship.

[Rugger]

i agree with what everyone else has been saying. Relationship are about compromise. You need to talk to him and the two of you need to find a happy medium for how much you talk to each other. One that makes you both happy.

[traditionalgirl75]

I agree w/ everyone here. You need to be yourself & have open communication w/ you SO. LDR takes alot of work, but if you feel it's worth it then you need to find that "happy medium" I've always said, that, love, honesty, trust & communication is the 4 keys to making it work. Without any of those things will eventually drift apart. My SO & I text/talk everyday. I don't think either of us can handle going a day without talking. Even when we are busy we always make sure we have our few min. phone calls/texts in during the day.

[Malaga]

To be honest, he sounds like a bit of an avoidant personality to me. Ie, after getting what he thinks is too close to you, he tries to dilute it by reducing contact, etc. The way he says he likes how little you talk. He prefers to designate all of his free time (weekends) to his friends without including you. He needs it to be him who controls how much communication you have and when, and he thinks pet names and mushy talk is being dumb and clingy. He can and probably does sincerely love you, it's just the way he's wired. The only issue is that you're wired differently.

Everyone experiences a sort of a reality check after the honeymoon period, but whereas you may talk less often than in the beginning, the feeling of closeness and familiarity grows. He obviously feels closer to you when he misses you (ie. you don't talk), but you need more contact to feel secure.

I agree with what the others said, talking is the only way you can resolve this. Tell him you know that he values his independence greatly and don't want to compromise that, but explain what you need in a clear and rational way. The less emotional you get, the more seriously he'll take you. Try to find some common ground. Don't doubt yourself - what you need is perfectly legitimate and you shouldn't settle for less. Be honest with yourself - you know what will and what won't make you happy.

It seems he feels that displaying what he this is too much emotion means he's weak. That doesn't mean he doesn't have those feelings, just that he feels awkward and vulnerable expressing them. It's tempting to think you'll be the one to get him to open up. You might be, but it's a risky business and you might also get badly hurt. I guess having that heart-to-heart conversation will tell you how understanding and willing to cooperate he is, and whether it's worth pursuing it.

Good luck! x