Dealing really badly with a temporary break and family issues. :(

[sheraccoon]

Hi LFAD folks! It's been a while. A couple of months back I moved in with my SO in the USA, so I've been neglecting my online life a bit because I've been having a good time.

So anyway, I'll try to keep this short because I'm incredibly jetlagged, and I've spent the last 24+hours crying and it was really awkward on the plane. No guarantees though, I tend to ramble.

My grandpa, whom I'm REALLY close to, has been fighting cancer and old age and diabetes and god knows what else for a really long time now (he's 84). So recently, my parents have been bugging me to come home (back to Singapore) early for the summer (my initial plan was to return for a couple of weeks in July, or not at all until December) to spend time with him. I started looking for flights back for this week. Basically I was ready to hop on the first available flight I could book. On Saturday evening, I called my grandparents to talk to them, and broke down over the phone because my grandpa sounded godawful and he was in so much pain he could barely talk. This prompted my SO to call up the airline I had a reservation for (in December) to see if he could get me on the next flight back. To cut a long story short, we headed to the airport and I managed to get on the next flight home.

The problem I'm having, LFAD folks, is that I wasn't ready to go home. I mean, the situation sucked and everything, but I've been dealing with a lot of insecurity issues the last 2 months I've been living with my SO, and I really didn't want to be bundled on a plane THAT VERY INSTANCE. :'( I've gotten better with the insecurity issues, and I don't dwell on it very much anymore. Yay me! But half the time on the flight back, I was sobbing because I was worried about my grandpa (who is in a really shitty condition but not dire condition yet, I think), and that I was missing my SO really really badly. We had a lot of summer plans that we planned and arranged and were looking forward to it very much. Especially me.

My eyes are too sore to cry anymore, and I'm incredibly exhausted, or I think I would still be crying as I type this post. But I'm having a really bad time dealing with this time apart, because right now I KNOW I want to go back to him as soon as possible. I'm not even going to deny this. I'm so incredibly frustrated at myself for being so needy, and angry at myself for being the most fail granddaughter to possibly exist. I mean really?! SO > Grandfather who has seen me through a lot of shit (and is probably the only direct family member I'm really close to)?! There is something WRONG WITH MY MIND.

Before I left I made my SO promise that I can choose whenever I want to go back to the USA and he did promise. I don't know whether he promised because I was bawling and crying and not in the right mind but I'm terrified that we're going to get into a fight over "why don't you stay home more?!" Uh, because I was just home in March for a whole month and I had a really shitty time? He knows I miss him incredibly terribly much, and he spent 40 minutes on the phone with me already before he had to go to bed. Damn, I hate time differences.

I'm so torn in staying here with my grandpa in the event the worst happens, but I do want to go back to him. As early as possible. My SO keeps on saying to just come back in August before my birthday, but I deeply desire to go back end June/early July or hell even earlier!!!!!!! I miss him so much already and it's not even been 2 days. I'll be spending a lot of my time with my grandpa, I'm sure, but I just. Right now he just says that coming back is not the important thing... I really am torn at what to do. How do you guys deal with having a part of your heart in another land, but another here in your home country? I wish my SO were more okay about me going back early too. I don't want to say I need him, because I don't think I am such a needy person, but I need the assurance that I can choose to go back anytime and he'll be there. ARGH. :'(

I'm in such a down mood I don't think my brain is working properly either. I'm sad because I MISS MY SO and I'm sad because I'm scared I'm going to lose my grandpa. I wish my SO would be here with me. I miss being hugged and feeling safe. All my safety zones seem to be gone and I'm like a stupid fish flailing out of water. ARGH. My room at home feels so big and scary and I've been curled up in a corner hugging my stuffed toys because I feel so alone. I'm really not dealing with being apart very well at all... Plus a million other things on top of that. Gah.

Thanks for listening to my venting... ETA: That because longer that I intended. :/ Sorry!

[Mara]

I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather and all that you are going through with leaving your SO. From the sounds of it, your SO will be there whenever you choose to return to him, but I think he realizes how important it is for you to spend this time with your grandfather and he just doesn't want you to return to early and regret leaving your grandfather.

I know it's hard, but try to remain strong. Things always look the darkest before the break of dawn.

[Rugger]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather's declining health.Second, Your SO was incredibly caring to try and get you to your grandfather ASAP. He wants you to spend what little time he has left with him so you won't regret it. I know you miss him, but he's always going to be there, and you don't know how much time your grandfather has. This is the one major reason I am scared to move to my SO. My one remaining grandparent is 80 and has diabetes. I would never be able to forgive myself if I went away and something happened to her. Your SO doesn't want you to feel that way. He's looking out for you.

[Sano]

I dont think wanting your SO a little more than your grandfather makes you a bad person at all. The way I was taught is that your significant other does come first but I do think you did the right thing to go see your grandfather. I think you're really upset now because you hadn't planned for things to happen like that but give it a few days (and get some sleep) and Im sure you'll feel a little better. Id spend maybe two weeks with your family and see how things are looking and then if it feels right, go back to your SO. Follow your feelings, just make sure you dont feel guilty about anything.

[Micah]

I understand how you are torn between your SO and your grandpa. I think what you are feeling is completely fine. If you put it into perspective, spending a month or two back in Singapore is a short time compared to (hopefully) a lifetime with your SO. It sounds like your SO is a great person who wants you to spend time with your grandfather. Maybe you can figure out an exact date to return to the USA so that you do not have so much uncertainty in your mind and have a date to look forward to. I am sure your SO will be waiting for you when you return. It sounds like he loves you a ton and wants the best for you. I am also sure your grandfather really appreciates that you are there.