I can't take this anymore (2 months before first meeting).

[December]

Me and my SO have been together for about 4 months now. We have our troubles as any other couple. But even though we're doing pretty okay now, I'm just unhappy.

I'm meeting her in about 2 months and I am really looking forward to it. However... The time until then is pretty unbearable. My current situation is quite complicated, but what it comes down to is that I'm pretty much isolated from any sort of social life due some psychological reasons. That will probably continue to be the case until after the summer, but that's another story.

The thing is that I feel incredibly lonely all the time. I don't feel like I have a girlfriend at all. I often catch myself fantasizing about my ideal girlfriend and stuff. How I'm going to get another girlfriend next year and finally be happy.

When I do talk to my SO via MSN, I'm incredibly moody and depressed. Though that's pretty much the mood I have all day, I keep taking it out on her. I start talking about how depressed I am (even though I am incredibly ashamed of that and normally not the person to start a pity party at all) and how much my life sucks. I usually get "OK" or "*hugs*" back, which causes me to get mad at her and it just isn't fun anymore. While I'm writing this, I was talking to her again about possibly having an internet addiction and I haven't gotten any reply at all in 20 (edit: 30) minutes. Which just pissed me off, even though I know I'm being selfish. The fact that she's playing some game on her computer in windowed mode (so she can see my conversation) and just ignoring me doesn't help. I can't know for sure, but 80% of the time that what she's doing.

We just never just... talk. It's always either me whining or her whining about life. And when we Skype, she usually gets distracted by whatever game she is playing and refuses to quit it. Because my native language isn't English, she sometimes has a hard time to understand me (especially since she's doing other stuff at the same time too and fails to concentrate, because my accent isn't that bad; I just tend to mumble a bit when I don't know how to pronounce a certain word), so I can't ever tell her a story.

Okay, I'm rambling now, but the point is that I'm just really really unhappy. I love her and she loves me (maybe more than I love her) and I don't want to break up before I meet her for the first time. I feel like that would be missing out on something great.

I just know that she tries so hard to make me happy, yet most of the things she does just annoy me and piss me off. And knowing how selfish that is just makes me mad at myself and then... yeah. Never ending cycle.

I just don't know how to get through this. I really do not want to break up until meeting her. But I don't want another 2 months of being miserable.

I guess my question is: How do I make these 2 months before meeting her bearable?

PS: If this is unclear, I'm sorry. I'm not very good at putting my thoughts into words. It's not like we're fighting all the time and I am happy to have her. Just not happy with the LDR. I mean if we were close to each other, I'm pretty sure we'd be the best couple ever. It's the LDR that's mostly getting on my nerves, since it lacks so many things and makes everything just so much harder.

[Mara]

Before I answer your question, I would like to ask you a question or two, if I may.

Are you seeking any type of help for your psychological issues? Counseling, medication, etc?

You talk a lot about being annoyed and upset with her and fantasizing about your 'ideal' girl. What exactly is it about this girl that you love?

[December]

I'm currently in counseling. At the moment it's not going so good. They made me switch therapists, but I absolutely hated the man I was talking to instead of my usual therapist. I'm switching back now, but she's on a holiday. But I am getting help.

Well, I love her silliness and her ability to be so easily amused. And how much she cares about me, since even though she can't express it very much (which then pisses me off...). And... not sure if it's my inability to name things or if that's just it. As far as I know what love is (I've only been in one serious relationship before), I am in love with her. Even though I'd rather not be for reasons named above. It's weird. It's not so much that the ideal girl I'm fantasying about has better qualities than her. I'm more thinking about how nice it would be to have a girlfriend close to me and how amazing that would be. Though it's not my current girlfriend being close to me I'm thinking about.

[Mara]

I have and do struggle with depression, anxiety, etc and it is extremely hard at times not to let that effect my relationship negatively. I find myself being much more irritable, much less reasonable, and much more withdrawn when I am in a state of depression. My SO doesn't really deal with those issues so even though he does support me, he doesn't really know how to if I am making sense. I do get frustrated sometimes and I can understand where you are coming from with that, but you have to understand that she does care about you very much, she probably just doesn't know the best way to help you or what to say to comfort you.

With the loneliness, what are you doing to keep yourself occupied? Do you have any hobbies or activities that you can enjoy by yourself?

Also, I don't see why the two of you couldn't set up a time that is just your time. Time that she isn't playing a game or doing something else and time that you aren't doing anything else either. If it bothers you that the two of you never just talk, then just talk. Make an aim of the conversation not to complain about anything. Just talk about the things in life that make you happy or the things that you enjoy. The two of you are still early in the relationship so I'm sure that there are things the two of you don't know about each other. Ask her questions. If she likes playing games, maybe the two of you could play some together.

Have you tried discussing how you are feeling in regards to the relationship? I wouldn't tell her the bit about fantasizing about an ideal girl, but tell her you are struggling with the distance and could use a little more attention, affection, etc.

[Susanne426]

My LDR just ended. People are saying because we never met it doesn't count and that we could not have loved eachother if we never met. What do you think?

[December]

@Mara
I think that's something I could try to convince her to do. Having a certain time every day. However there's not much I don't know about her or that she doesn't know about me; we've been friends for about 1 1/2 years. Due the long distance and lack of intimacy it's kind of like we've been a couple ever since then (though I was with someone else at the time). But that's something I'll try. :]

I don't really have anything to keep myself occupied. I used to, but I've been home non-stop for about... 3 to 4 months. Unfortunately it's come too far for me to do something about it myself and it's just totally out of my hands now. Basically I'm just sulking in my room, despite my hobbies, which I'm neglecting. However, in that field it is getting a bit better as I joined a sport club and possibly an art club soon. So maybe that will help me to be a bit less moody. (Wow. I sound quite pathetic.)

Playing games together is something I suggested before, but since our tastes in games are totally different (she enjoys flash games, MineCraft, Spore, Sims, etc. and I mainly enjoy (MMO)RPGs and puzzle-games), that never really worked out.

I did tell her that I'm unhappy and that the thought of breaking up had crossed my mind. She pretty much told me that at "break up" she almost broke down crying. But nothing really changed. Her memory is incredibly short. For example, once I was very frustrated and I called her pretty much bawling my eyes out and needing comfort. Then later she got mad at me for not telling her how sad I was the other day. This is not like I'm blaming her, but due her being bullied at school she built up a defense mechanism of only remembering what she wants to remember, it seems. Not a bad thing, but it's her thing. It just makes it hard to discuss certain sensitive things, which I understand.

Thank you for your advice! I'll try to get us some time just to talk - really talk. Maybe like a certain day at a certain time so she won't plan anything over it... That sounds good.

@Susanne426
I think it does count. Due my isolation (been going on for a while) most of my relationships were LDR. For me, only the serious ones count. The ones that are more than a crush or some were just a joke. If you felt that your relationship was serious and there was love involved, then in my eyes, it counted. It's up to you. It's what you personally think of the relationship.

[Moon]

I think you're asking way to much from this girl, she's not a therapist, and if she has no background in dealing with psychological issues, she cannot help you the way you expect her to. Unloading on her all of the time may be driving her away a bit, and that's why she doesn't answer you, she probably doesn't know how to help and it's frustrating. I feel that you're putting to much hope into some ideal girl who can solve all your problems, but that'll never happen, only you can do that. I don't know your ages, but the younger she is, the less experienced she is in dealing with someone who is depressed and isolated, and that's not her fault. If you do love her, take that pressure off and let her just be herself. If you can't, it really might be time to break up, even if you haven't met, and find someone more suited to your situation. Good luck.

[December]

@Moon
Thank you for replying. I do realize I'm asking too much of her. However I might add that she does have a background with dealing with depression and having feelings that are like my own - that's one of the reasons I expect her of all people to understand, since she's been through it (maybe a less extreme variant). She's still not a therapist, which I totally understand, and I'm not asking her/expecting her to solve my problems either. It's more that I'm reaching out for comfort or a virtual shoulder to cry on and get none.

Though as I'm reading through my posts it does seem I need to tone it down a little for her sake.

Again, thank you for taking the time to read my little rant-like problem and giving your opinion. :]

[jiynx]

Something my SO and I do to keep things fresh is create an interview for each other. This was Casey's idea. We give each other 5 minutes to create an amount of questions to get to know each other better (we usually do about 10). Just random questions anywhere from what your top 5 favourite bands are to what your last meal would be. I would say if you guys can't find anything to talk about in your dedicated time together, try this. It opens up conversation and you get to know each other better. Sometimes, you'll even forget about the interview and just keep on talking about one of the questions. baha. Hope this helps and have fun!

[Mara]

Moon did bring up a valid point, but I know with my SO he gets upset if I try to keep from him I am depressed or if I wait a while before telling him. I do think though you should learn to relax a bit with her responses. I tell my SO that I'm upset because I know he wants to know, but I already know there's pretty much nothing that he's going to say that's going to make me feel magically better. There is some comfort though in being able to talk to someone though even if it is just your SO and even if they don't say anything constructive back.

You don't sound pathetic either. Don't think that. I've been at home about a few days short of a month now and I'm about to go nuts. I think maybe these clubs will be just what you need. Some social interaction.

Also, about your girlfriend's memory, I have a really bad memory with everything basically. I can remember something fine if it was said like a day or so ago or if it had a really significant impact on me other than that I'm pretty forgetful so I keep a journal and about a million post-its. Maybe something like that would help her?

[lucybelle]

I haven't read through all the posts, and I hate to say things like this, but LDRs are not for everyone. It seems like you have a lot going on right now and even a CDR would be hard for you right now. The distance being added is just another stress on your life. I am a big promoter of "be okay with yourself before involving yourself with someone else" And yes you might be okay with your depression and other situations you're in right now, but that doesn't make it a good time to have a relationship. Relationships take a lot of time and sacrifice. I just think that in your current situation you shouldn't really be trying to make an LDR succeed. I think you should step back for a few months, get everything in order, then come back to relationships once you're ready for one.

Sorry to be so doom and gloom. I'm sure she's a wonderful girl, but it just seems like a lot for the both of you right now.