not having fun :(

[eaoreilly]

I could use some help with this...my SO and I have been in this LDR for 3 months...and while it was really fun, lately he's been so preoccupied with a lot...selling his business, his house, and a finalization of a two year separation/divorce. I really feel left out here, and find that he's closing up a lot with the stress. He says that he loves me, but I'm at a loss here...and starting to feel more like a sister than a person in a relationship. I know he has a lot on his plate right now, but how do I try to remind him that I'm still here...the person he wanted a relationship with and says that he loves? And how do I make ME feel better about all of this?

Thanks much...

[BlueCat]

I can understand how you're feeling. I've been having similar issues lately as my SO has recently moved back home after living on campus for study, and now that he's home, he's been spending a lot of time with friends, he's working again, and he's got a lot of stress at home from his parents trying to control him and it's really wearing on him. Before he moved back, any time that I wasn't working and was at home, he was online, he always had the time to be. Recently, because of everything that's going on, I hardly get to talk to him anymore. Today was the first time I've gotten to talk to him in a week and we talked for 2 hours on skype.

I haven't been handling the change in situation very well, and I've been texting him a fair amount and though he mostly responded, I was feeling like it was because he had to, not because he really wanted to or felt like responding. The way I try to look at it, is by focusing on what good things will come out of this situation by just holding on a little longer. You have to focus on what the positive outcomes of him sorting our his divorce and selling his business. They are both long and demanding tasks, and I'm sure that once they're sorted, he'll have more time for you. When my SO is really stressed and bothered by something like he is at the moment, he likes to talk it out to me, but when it's still bothering him after that, he just likes to have time to do his own thing to distract himself. Not that he doesn't want to talk to me, his mind is just too bothered to be able to talk to me properly.

---------- Post added at 08:38 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:38 PM ----------

I can understand how you're feeling. I've been having similar issues lately as my SO has recently moved back home after living on campus for study, and now that he's home, he's been spending a lot of time with friends, he's working again, and he's got a lot of stress at home from his parents trying to control him and it's really wearing on him. Before he moved back, any time that I wasn't working and was at home, he was online, he always had the time to be. Recently, because of everything that's going on, I hardly get to talk to him anymore. Today was the first time I've gotten to talk to him in a week and we talked for 2 hours on skype.

I haven't been handling the change in situation very well, and I've been texting him a fair amount and though he mostly responded, I was feeling like it was because he had to, not because he really wanted to or felt like responding. The way I try to look at it, is by focusing on what good things will come out of this situation by just holding on a little longer. You have to focus on what the positive outcomes of him sorting our his divorce and selling his business. They are both long and demanding tasks, and I'm sure that once they're sorted, he'll have more time for you. When my SO is really stressed and bothered by something like he is at the moment, he likes to talk it out to me, but when it's still bothering him after that, he just likes to have time to do his own thing to distract himself. Not that he doesn't want to talk to me, his mind is just too bothered to be able to talk to me properly.

[lucybelle]

I suggest you make date chat/skype/telephone times each week. It could be once a week, up to every day. Just a time where you both should set everything aside and talk to each other. Even if it's only for 5 or 10 minutes. That reconnect is very important.

[traditionalgirl75]

I agree w/ LucyBelle, try to set up some phone & video chats ,to talk things through. It's very imp. in LDR to keep the communication going. It's hard enough as it is, but when the communication slows down, it do keep you wondering where things are. I rem. when my so & I were going through a rough patch in 07 , the communication slowed down big time , then we had a "break" OMG it was rough, we finally started talking again, then met up in person during the fall & been serious ever since. I hope all work out for you. just take a deep breath , relax & try to set up a phone/video chat. I'm sure with everything that your SO is going through, he's just having a hard time. Just reassure him that you'll support & be there for him.

[Moon]

Agree about trying to schedule communication, it's important! But, also sometimes life gets in the way of a perfectly good relationship, and when that happens, you've got to sometimes just wait it out. Be as understanding as you can, talk when you get the opportunity, and be patient til things return to normal, as long as he hasn't given you any reason for suspicion or worry. Although, your relationship is very young for this kind of thing to be going on, if his reasons are legitimate, I guess it can't be helped. Good luck.

[Tanja]

Plan your conversations like lucybelle said. And if he is very busy then you haven't got much choice but to wait a while until he gets everything sorted out. It's ok to be a little selfish in a relationship and he should find time for you as well but then again you have to be extra patient when in a LDR cause not everyone can adjust their lives around the PC to chat. Give him some time and talk to him whenever you get the chance. Don't waste your days sitting by the PC or phone just waiting for him, go out and meet your friends, so what if you don't talk for a few days, it happens to everyone but it doesn't mean you have to split up or start worrying about it.

[Ruby1288]

There will be times when you or they are in a funk but this a good opportunity to learn more about your SO and how they cope with stress in their lives. Just be there for them when they need you and when you need him I'm sure he'll be there for you despite what's going on with him. Just let him know you're understanding of the situation but how it's affecting you at the same time. He should be able to understand you and when everything is settled and you have those relationship-y warm fuzzy moments again you'll know you had nothing to worry about.

Meanwhile just try to de-stress about the situation your own way or plan for a future meeting with him and then you might have something fun to talk about to get his mind off things when you get that chance to talk to him.