When the pieces begin to fall apart...

[ashleecarol]

Hello fellow LFADers...
I'm in quite a pickle right now. So, here I go.

My SO and I have been having conflicts with $$$. Mainly, I have been paying for A LOT. Unfortunately, my father passed away three years ago to a battle with cancer but, due to the fact that he was in the Air Force, I receive death benefits each month...roughly around $400. From sadness to joy, I use some of this to pay for plane tickets for my SO and I to see each other because my dad loved him and would have wanting nothing more than for us to be able to be with each other. For the time, the exchange of who paid for the tickets was mutual. However, for the past 6 months, he suddenly has "no money" to spend....yet he continued to somehow have money for purchasing things for his car. I paid for Thanksgiving tickets, my mom as a Christmas present for both my SO and I bought our Christmas tickets, I paid for spring break, my mom paid for him to fly out for my aunt's wedding/4th of July, and I paid for him to go to Vegas with my family in August....

NOW, am I an idiot for willingly paying for all of this without a blink? Yes. However, it wasn't until POST-spring break until I really started getting concerned about who was spending the money here. I tried to justify to myself that Vegas was for his birthday (since he turns 21) and my family and I NEVER go on vacation together....ever! So, I wanted to grab hold of that opportunity immediately.

However, my mother is becoming concerned that he is getting spoiled and taking me for granted. Now-a-days, when I send him a text or call him, he will eventually "get around" to calling me (which may be 4+ hours later) or he forgets to get back to me all together. However, she knows that I keep my phone on my religiously because, yes, I am in a LDR and the phone is the lifeline of our relationship. I take it upon myself to make the effort to stay up with the communication. Now, I am NOT a hovercraft...I don't call him repeatedly if he doesn't pick up or send him a 1000 text messages. I just make sure that if he were to contact me, I have my phone with me so I can respond without fail. I do not get the same in return, even in the slightest.

Back to the money situation, when he got his birthday card two days ago, he "jokingly" goes, "where is my money?" Yes, it irritated me because it is like, wtf...I bought you a ticket to VEGAS. This all wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't for the fact that my mom and I have been the ones to put forth the effort to pay for these trips, which would explain my sensitivity to the subject. We have talked about it and I felt like it finally got where I was coming from...but apparently not....

I'm becoming extremely conflicted with what I need to do. Every time I try to talk to him, he kind of just brushes it aside. It isn't until I have to turn into big bad girlfriend that I get his attention. By that, I mean I'm a big sobbing, frustrated mess that can't hold it in anymore.

Advise or anyone who has gone through situations like this and their outcomes! Thank you so much.

[Riyko]

What i would do is stop paying for his plane tickets for him to go and see you and you to go and see him, tell him if he wants to see you he has to pay for his own plane tickets or he could pay for your plane tickets to see him. Then i'd talk to him about how i feel about the money thing and feel like i'm being taken advantage of, then voice my concerns and give him a chance to respond back.

[Sano]

You should probably just tell him next time you guys have a visit its his turn to either pays his way or buy you a plane ticket to see him. You might also want to let him know that you feel like he's taking advantage of you by making you foot the bills all the time and that may stop the money jokes he makes. Not saying your SO is a bad person or anything but there are some people that will take advantage of your giving nature simply because they like being spoiled.

[JEREIANEDREI]

maybe us girls,..its our nature of being t0o much understanding though sometimes,,that even its obvious that our SO is taken us for granted,,we just ignore it,,for the fact that we love them,..on our situation,,with my SO..yah were not that rich,,thats why we need to be apart,,to work for our own lives,,coz we have our own responsibilities in our families,,and our own selves,..but for that money matter issue,,we decided to wait for the time that we had our own money,,so that we could see each other,,,he is the guy supposed to be is the one to send money for your ticket,,maybe once,twice is enough if u want to do it for him,,I know you're just doing it for LOVE sake,..but remember enough is enough,..there is always a limitation for everything...money should not be an issue in terms of love,..but it depends on the situation and for the reason...I feel that you really LOVE your SO,,but he must understand your feelings too,..be vocal to him,.let him know how do you feel for it,,and for he acted as u sent your card for him,,,my SO always says thank you,,as I send him a card,,he appreciated it....
Any way goodluck!...hope i help even a little!....

[uniquefem]

I will say agree with Ryko. Stop giving him any short of many deals. Flight tickets etc. It should be fair. You paid him this time, and next time he pay for yours.

He does sound like taking advantages on you.... sorry to say

[Moon]

I think you need to try being a bit less available. It seems like you have made yourself so ready and available, that he now just takes it for granted that you'll do all the work, and he can just sit back and reap the rewards. It might be time to NOT answer that phone or text, return it a few hours later, don't make plans to see each other, and wait to see how long it takes him to bring it up. When he does, tell him "Great! When are you planning to buy the tickets?". If he's invested in this relationship, he'll catch on and start working with you again. Being 100% available isn't always a good thing. Good luck.

[Engel]

Tell him you didnt like the comment on his birthday card, even if it was a joke, wasnt a good one, because you are spending so much money on him and not getting it in return. basicaly tell what you told us, but in a softer way.

everytime i feel something is wrong with my boiyfriend, i tell him, because i know him better than the people im asking advice for, sometimes you just talk to vent, sometimes is nice to ask advice, hey thats why we all are here, but i think that in this case is just a matter of talking with him and telling what you feel.

[jlb14]

I feel like I have been paying a lot lately too. My boyfriend hasn't been working so I'm paid for dinners and trips to see each-other (gas and mechanic bills). I understand how you feel. The joke was really lame but that may have been his way of trying to make you laugh. My boyfriend says really dumb things when he feels guilty and gets un-comfortable (like when I am paying something for him) as a defense mechanism. Could his un-funny humor be that?

[TheBadRomancer]

That's really not okay. I'd suggest really sitting him down (as well as you can with the distance. P and talking to him about it. I know it's hard, but it'd be best.

[ashleecarol]

My boyfriend says really dumb things when he feels guilty and gets un-comfortable (like when I am paying something for him) as a defense mechanism. Could his un-funny humor be that?

No. My boyfriend just tends to not think before he speaks quite a bit. That has always been a problem and I think his poor joke exhibited that. However, we did talk about it and he did mention that it was suppose to be a joke, but unfortunately it came off in poor taste. He was very apologetic for it, knowing now how I deeply and truly feel about this whole situation.

We have talked it out (even though we have had this conversation once before), but I truly feel that it sunk home this time because I expressed that we could not continue together if I had to pay for everything. My benefits will be running out soon and I have to be prepared to take care of myself here at home. I won't have the money to spend on trips/dinners/etc. He realized how much it was scaring me and causing my anxiety, fearing that if he was honestly depending upon JUST ME for these trips...we would not be able to stay afloat. I expressed that it simply isn't fair that I have to pinch my own dollars when I want to go out with friends or actually treat myself to go shopping, panicking that I have to also pay (or have already paid) for a near $400 ticket. However, the first thing he would state if he ran into some cash was how he is going to spend it on his car, never mentioning or setting aside some for our future trips. From what was discussed, he has agreed to aid us and was deeply apologetic for being "ignorant" (his word, not mine) about how he was treating this situation. I am hoping we will bounce back from this and that he is truly sincere with his words...and we won't have to have this conversation AGAIN in a few months

Thank you all for your posts. It really means a lot to me to hear your advice/concerns/comments.