It's getting harder to go back to normal

[Holiday]

My SO (call him R) was here visiting for two and a half weeks and just went home on Sunday, so the last few days have been difficult for both of us like they usually are right after a visit ends. This was our fifth visit, but the first time that R was the one leaving because, the last time he visited, I went back to Ireland with him for two weeks so we left here together.

Even though it upsets him too, R usually handles ending the visits better than I do (I'm a mess when I have to leave him). Since he's been home, though, R keeps telling me that he feels like he shouldn't be home because it feels wrong that he left here. Part of the problem is the fact that it stopped feeling like R was visiting after he was here a couple of days, and we both noticed that it felt as if he had moved in and was living here. We developed a routine that felt so right and...normal. One night, we were having dinner and watching tv and he just said, "this is our future right here."Our plan for the future is for him to move here and for us to get married sometime in 2013.

What's upsetting him so much right now is the fact that his stay here felt so natural, and it gave us both a taste of the future we want, so the fact that he had to leave made him feel as if he was ripping himself away from that. He sent a message this morning to tell me that he still feels so bothered by this, and that he feels displaced from here, from me, and being home doesn't feel right for him anymore. I told him that this is normal, and it'll take a little while for him to adjust to his daily routine at home again, but he said that he doesn't want to adjust to that and he doesn't want to lose the normality we developed during his visit. All I could say was that, until we can live together permanently, readjusting to home is something we have to do no matter how much we don't want to.

We've been talking about this since he's been home, and I miss him so damn much but I'm not sure what to say to him because when he tells me that he doesn't feel right being at home again, all I can think of is to ask him if there's any way we can close the distance sooner. I hate that he feels like he doesn't belong at home anymore, but he said that he wants my house to be his home. He wants to be here, and I want him to be here, but I feel like it's wrong for me to ask about closing the distance. He's a very rational person and he doesn't do anything impulsively so that's why I haven't chalked this up to the normal sadness that follows the end of a visit. I'm worried because he's not happy, I feel empty and I can only come up with one idea for a solution. And this is despite the fact that I already booked my flight to go visit him for another 18 days in August.

I'm sorry this is long. I just don't know what to do for him and I don't know what else to say besides suggesting we close the distance sooner. Any advice would be appreciated more than anything. Please help!

[kteire]

Bah, I know that feeling well. Or well, how your SO is feeling having had to leave. I went to stay with my SO in Dublin for two weeks a little while ago, and we had such a natural-feeling routine going on. I stayed with him at his flat, we cooked dinner together, curled up to watch movies, met up on his lunch break (he had to work a few days I was there). And then I got strep throat when I was there, and normally when I'm away from home and sick, I want to be home so badly... but I felt like I was home.
It's such a great feeling having a visit like that... but it is incredibly hard to leave. I do know from personal experience that it does get much easier with time. I was a wreck for a few weeks after leaving, and I didn't think I could adjust to being back at my own home and not being there with him. But it did get better. I'd say it's actually less difficult being away from him now, because I know exactly how strong we are, and I know what I have to look forward to.
I'd say if you feel like closing the distance sooner is something you keep thinking of, bring it up! See if there is any way that you can! I don't know what your circumstances are keeping you apart, but it's worth figuring out if you have any more options. Even if it still turns out you can't shorten your time apart, at least you'll have a definite answer, and a more definite time frame in mind!

---------- Post added at 11:45 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:41 AM ----------

p.s., aren't Irish men lovely??

[Malaga]

This is exactly what happened to us after his last visit. We settled into a routine and when he left it felt like parts of our everyday lives just got ripped out. We both felt that way - my boyfriend's not as verbal as yours but when I told him how I felt, he said he felt exactly the same.

Just like you said, I always used to feel like I had it slightly worse than him, I mean, he was the more composed one. But this time I felt like he actually took it worse. He got a bit upset over it two days before he had to leave, and even cried one night. After he went back, he craved contact with me much more than usual and was generally feeling down and disappointed with everything around him.

I didn't know how to help him, all I could do is listen, distract him with cheerful stuff and treat him with affection he needed. It took him about 2 weeks to get back to his normal self.

I say give R some time and just be there to listen and support him. It's only been three days since he left and he's still in a sort of shock. He clearly has a lot of love for you but closing the distance is a serious decision and one you can't easily backtrack on. Do *you* feel ready for that step? If you only think of suggesting it to relieve his post-visit blues, please re-think it.

[NaNi]

I know how you feel. My SO was staying with me for almost nine weeks this year and it felt so completely natural. Just right. We didn't have any problems like some other couples might experience (getting annoyed at each other, etc). We woke up together, she always brought me to school and picked me up again, we went grocery shopping, we played Xbox and Wii, we went to the movies, to clubs, to restaurants and we fell asleep in each other's arms. It was simply perfect. I had a really hard time letting her go at the airport. I just cried and cried and cried. Our weekly Skype talks help at least a bit. But nothing compares to actually being together.

[Holiday]

This is exactly what happened to us after his last visit. We settled into a routine and when he left it felt like parts of our everyday lives just got ripped out. We both felt that way - my boyfriend's not as verbal as yours but when I told him how I felt, he said he felt exactly the same.

Just like you said, I always used to feel like I had it slightly worse than him, I mean, he was the more composed one. But this time I felt like he actually took it worse. He got a bit upset over it two days before he had to leave, and even cried one night. After he went back, he craved contact with me much more than usual and was generally feeling down and disappointed with everything around him.

I didn't know how to help him, all I could do is listen, distract him with cheerful stuff and treat him with affection he needed. It took him about 2 weeks to get back to his normal self.

I say give R some time and just be there to listen and support him. It's only been three days since he left and he's still in a sort of shock. He clearly has a lot of love for you but closing the distance is a serious decision and one you can't easily backtrack on. Do *you* feel ready for that step? If you only think of suggesting it to relieve his post-visit blues, please re-think it.

I didn't even realize how that sounded when I wrote it. I honestly wouldn't suggest closing the distance as a band-aid just to make him feel better because that is a huge step for us and I never wanted us to rush into something that serious. Rushing sounds like the setup for disaster. It's been on my mind because it's something that we've both been talking about seriously for about a year now. We probably would be closing the distance next year instead of two years from now. I should have explained originally, the only reason why we're not is because he feels certain he wouldn't be able to find a job here (finding employment here is the only thing about moving here that he's really concerned about) so he wants to get a masters degree first and tuition is much much cheaper for him at home.

The funny thing is that R isn't usually this verbal about how he feels either. I usually talk to him about how much I miss him once I'm home, and I explain how upset I am, and even if it's bothering him too, he listens and reminds me that we have another visit coming up soon enough. I think that's why I'm so lost on what to do this time, because he's being so verbal and open about this. I'll try to distract him and at least talk to see if that helps at all, maybe he just needs to vent more since he usually doesn't. Thanks a lot for your insight.

[Karringtyn]

Him leaving me is ALWAYS harder. It's because this is where he will be living...we will be living in this house and we can totally see LIFE here. I would be gutted for days after. I understand so well. MY SO usually didn't talk much about it...till this last visit...when I left him....needless to say I do understand.

[Holiday]

Bah, I know that feeling well. Or well, how your SO is feeling having had to leave. I went to stay with my SO in Dublin for two weeks a little while ago, and we had such a natural-feeling routine going on. I stayed with him at his flat, we cooked dinner together, curled up to watch movies, met up on his lunch break (he had to work a few days I was there). And then I got strep throat when I was there, and normally when I'm away from home and sick, I want to be home so badly... but I felt like I was home.
It's such a great feeling having a visit like that... but it is incredibly hard to leave. I do know from personal experience that it does get much easier with time. I was a wreck for a few weeks after leaving, and I didn't think I could adjust to being back at my own home and not being there with him. But it did get better. I'd say it's actually less difficult being away from him now, because I know exactly how strong we are, and I know what I have to look forward to.
I'd say if you feel like closing the distance sooner is something you keep thinking of, bring it up! See if there is any way that you can! I don't know what your circumstances are keeping you apart, but it's worth figuring out if you have any more options. Even if it still turns out you can't shorten your time apart, at least you'll have a definite answer, and a more definite time frame in mind!

---------- Post added at 11:45 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:41 AM ----------

p.s., aren't Irish men lovely??

Visits like that are amazing, but you're right, the fact that you develop a routine makes it even harder when it has to stop. Especially having to give up those little everyday things you mentioned like spending lunch breaks together, watching movies and making dinner together. After a year and a half of doing pretty regular visits, it still hasn't started getting easier for me yet (which is miserable but alright because I can deal with it eventually) and how he's starting to feel it too. Once we started trying to put together a timeline for closing the distance, it felt like it made it worse because now we have our eyes on a finish line, but it's still a little far away.

Thanks so much for your advice, though. I think I will bring up when we could close the distance just to get it out there and see what he thinks, even if there's nothing we can do about it yet.

And yes, Irish men are lovely! Maybe you're guilty of this too, but my SO and I have been talking to each other on the phone/skype for six and a half years now and I still can't stop asking him to say certain words that his accent brings out...then he tells me he's not my performing monkey, but I mean it with love so he still says them and I absolutely adore the way they sound.

[Moon]

I think all you can do is support him and remind him that the situation is only temporary, that you've just got to continue working towards your goals together. Leaving is awful, I absolutely hate it, and it takes a few weeks to get back into the routine of usual life. It's hard, but I think he just needs some more adjustment time, it's difficult to drop back once you've taken a step into your future, and it feels like the dumbest thing in the world to do, but you have to. He might not be back to his regular self for a couple of weeks, so be strong for him and you'll both get through it.

[Holiday]

Thanks so much, guys, I really appreciate it. It helps getting other people's advice when they've been through the same thing and know exactly what you mean. I knew it was normal that my SO feels this way, I'm just worried about him because he rarely expresses his feelings like this and this time it's about something that's mostly beyond my control to help him resolve right now, which is frustrating because I don't want him to be unhappy like this. I'll try to talk to him and help him through it whenever he needs it, and at least mention closing the distance, but of course you're all right that he just needs time to readjust and it'll probably take a little while.

[kteire]

Visits like that are amazing, but you're right, the fact that you develop a routine makes it even harder when it has to stop. Especially having to give up those little everyday things you mentioned like spending lunch breaks together, watching movies and making dinner together. After a year and a half of doing pretty regular visits, it still hasn't started getting easier for me yet (which is miserable but alright because I can deal with it eventually) and how he's starting to feel it too. Once we started trying to put together a timeline for closing the distance, it felt like it made it worse because now we have our eyes on a finish line, but it's still a little far away.

Thanks so much for your advice, though. I think I will bring up when we could close the distance just to get it out there and see what he thinks, even if there's nothing we can do about it yet.

And yes, Irish men are lovely! Maybe you're guilty of this too, but my SO and I have been talking to each other on the phone/skype for six and a half years now and I still can't stop asking him to say certain words that his accent brings out...then he tells me he's not my performing monkey, but I mean it with love so he still says them and I absolutely adore the way they sound.

Hehe, I do the same with Loic! I lived in Ireland for a year and got completely used to the accents, but I for some reason still find his so fascinating! I love hearing him say "three o'clock", "the other day" and anything that has "th" in it!! I even just like the way he says my first name, no one in Canada pronounces the T in Katie the way he does XD

[PucasKitten]

ahh Irish men are quite lovely :3 I do the same thing getting my SO to repeat words <3 I know how you feel though and agree with everyone here. I just came back from visiting my SO in Ireland and the only thing that brought me home was my animals. It hurt so bad to leave his side and the life that just felt so right! The life you can't wait to build a family on and you know is your future. I think since most of us treat visits like everyday life, creating routines and habits with our SO's, instead of like vacations is what makes the separation that much harder. But it will all be worth it in the end when we are all able to finally close the distance and be with the one's we love~ Keep strong and I wish yall luck ^^

[Holiday]

Hehe, I do the same with Loic! I lived in Ireland for a year and got completely used to the accents, but I for some reason still find his so fascinating! I love hearing him say "three o'clock", "the other day" and anything that has "th" in it!! I even just like the way he says my first name, no one in Canada pronounces the T in Katie the way he does XD

Yes! The "th" words are my favorite, especially "three' because it becomes "tree." R also thinks it's hilarious that I ask him to say "bra" pretty often because when he says it, it sounds sharper like, "braaah." I'm glad you guys do the same thing, I feel a little less guilty for asking R to say things.

PucasKitten, that is such a great point about treating visits like regular daily life rather than vacations, and you're absolutely right that that makes the separation even harder. I had noticed during the last few visits we had that it didn't feel like vacation anymore because we've been staying at each other's house instead of in a hotel, so of course that makes it feel like we're moving in.

[kteire]

Yes! The "th" words are my favorite, especially "three' because it becomes "tree." R also thinks it's hilarious that I ask him to say "bra" pretty often because when he says it, it sounds sharper like, "braaah." I'm glad you guys do the same thing, I feel a little less guilty for asking R to say things.

PucasKitten, that is such a great point about treating visits like regular daily life rather than vacations, and you're absolutely right that that makes the separation even harder. I had noticed during the last few visits we had that it didn't feel like vacation anymore because we've been staying at each other's house instead of in a hotel, so of course that makes it feel like we're moving in.

Haha, I noticed "bra" too! One time Loic said something like "I was walking home the udder (other lol) day at about tree o'clock" and I nearly lost it :P I love when he says he had to throw something in the rubbish bin, haha.
And that's very true, the first time Loic and I saw each other after becoming LD, we stayed in a hotel, but the last time, it was at his flat. That really made a huge difference. This next visit we're renting a flat for a week in my hometown, and then staying in Montreal in a hotel for a week, so I wonder how it'll feel this time!