The pace and progression of an LDR

[Snap]

My friend and I were talking about LDRs recently. My friend started close distance with his then-girlfriend, and then went LD for 1 year. She eventually moved to where he was and got married with him. I consider him an expert since he was in a "successful" LDR. Anyway, he stated that 1 year of LDR is equivalent to 3-4 months of a CDR. In other words, things did not progress as fast and as deep as they could if they were in a CDR.

What do you guys think about that? What factors play a part in progressing or slowing down the relationship? I figured communication and visits play a big role. If you don't communicate much and/or visit each other a whole lot then the relationship probably won't progress fast. I'm not necessarily saying that the relationship is bad or unhealthy. I'm just saying that it kind of gets stuck at a level and takes a while to move.

Does this make sense? I just want to hear people's opinions on this.

[kteire]

I don't think I agree with what your friend said, honestly! It could apply in some cases, but it's definitely not the case for everyone. I've been with my SO for a year. We were CD for about 7 weeks, and then had to do LD as I had to move back to Canada. We spent tons of time together CD, so when we've been LD, we've spent loads of time talking daily instead. I'd say in the 11 months that Loic and I have been LD, it feels like we've been together longer, because we know each other so well and communicate effortlessly!
I agree with you about communication, I suppose if people don't communicate as well LD, it can put up some big challenges as far as moving forward. And that's the big thing with me and my SO - we don't watch movies together, we don't play games together much, we spend all our between-visit time talking. We decided after we'd been together about 4 months that we wanted to move in together, so I guess the only way that LD has slowed things down for us is that we aren't physically able to move in together for another year. But things have progressed faster with him than with anyone I ever dated CD.

[FadedSunrise]

Yea, I definitely think that statement should not be a blanket statement for every LD relationship. I met my SO CD, but we had maybe a couple days to a week tops after we'd both confessed our feelings and were in that awkward "kind of a couple and yet not sure what exactly we were stage". By the time I'd come back from my trip around his country, and we'd both had two weeks separately to think that we probably wanted a relationship out of this(or er, maybe...we were both very adverse to the idea of how much distance in between), we had one "date" day where it finally wasn't awkwardly "Does he really like me as much as he said?" "do I like him?"...

Its been 6 months since I've been back from China, and like kteire, we don't really do a lot of online activities, but spend most of the time talking. Part of it is the limitations of his internet speed, the other part, the large amount of websites blocked by China's Firewall.

In summary, I think this extra time has let us slowly develop into close friends, something being CD but having an enormous crush and time crunch on my stay in China never really let me do. However, because CD time was so lacking, I don't really know if we have that kind of physical chemistry...or at least...I forgot all about it by now.

[Mara]

I actually think it's sort of the opposite. When you are long distance with someone you have to become far more serious minded about where the relationship is going than if you were close distance. Not many people are even going to enter into a long distance relationship if they don't see a long term future there. After a year or so or even before, most people start thinking of ways to close the distance and sometimes, marriage is the easiest way though the two might not have married so soon if they were close distance. I also think being long distance forms a sort of bond between you and the person that isn't there when you are close distance. There is much, much more communication.

[Malaga]

My friend and I were talking about LDRs recently. My friend started close distance with his then-girlfriend, and then went LD for 1 year. She eventually moved to where he was and got married with him. I consider him an expert since he was in a "successful" LDR. Anyway, he stated that 1 year of LDR is equivalent to 3-4 months of a CDR. In other words, things did not progress as fast and as deep as they could if they were in a CDR.

What do you guys think about that? What factors play a part in progressing or slowing down the relationship? I figured communication and visits play a big role. If you don't communicate much and/or visit each other a whole lot then the relationship probably won't progress fast. I'm not necessarily saying that the relationship is bad or unhealthy. I'm just saying that it kind of gets stuck at a level and takes a while to move.

Does this make sense? I just want to hear people's opinions on this.

I was just thinking about that myself and in a way I agree with your friend. Obviously it's not the same for everyone, but in my experience LDR definitely has a slower pace of progress. (Which definitely has its upsides!) By going slower I don't refer to the intensity of emotions and how serious we are about this. Neither of us has ever had doubts. It's just the time we need to get to know each other fully. Verbally, non verbally etc.

Talking is just one way of communicating and getting to know each other, and while it's crucial for any relationship, CD or LD, it can't make up for physical presence. It's not just sex and cuddling, it's body language, accommodating each other in our respective personal space, sharing in non-verbal ways, etc.

However, while in between visits the relationship might be going slower, each visit makes the pace pick up immensely. I feel like we make an upgrade every time we're together in person, and we jump several months ahead than where we would be if we didn't visit. It's like talking creates a healthy foundation, and then time we spend together is the final touch that propels us to the next level.

[garnet]

I don't agree at all. Being LD got me so much closer, and on a much deeper level far, far faster than ever in a cd relationship.

In my experience, it's the CD that gets lazy and things cool off. LD, you have to keep making the effort. You have to get to know someone's heart. You have to both try. Constantly. I don't really think visits have a ton to do with anything. They are necessary to make sure the in person spark is there, and beyond that, just a (wonderful) bonus.

jmo

[Dziubka]

I think it partly depends on how you define "progression" in a relationship.
Long Distance Relationships have very different dynamics than 'traditional' ones. You get to know each other and progress differently than you would if you were living together (or closer anyway).

It's slower in the way that you don't get to know your SO's quirks and every-day self as you would in a close distance relationship. For example I wouldn't mind my boyfriend smoking in a long distance relationship. You can't smell through a phone/computer and for the few days/weeks during visits I doesn't bother me all that much either, but I know from experience that I don't like it in a close distance relationship.
The same with the never ending messy vs orderly debate. I'm a very messy person whereas my boyfriend likes his place to be very tidy (haha, so I do, but I just can't do it). While we are LDR we can life with each other's messy-/neatness during visits, even for a few weeks at a time, but I'm fully aware that that might become a problem once we live together.
There's a million more examples (different libido, pets/no pets, different eating habits,...) and most of them we probably don't even think about while being LDR simply because they're no source of conflict or even discussion for us atm.

On the other hand... when you're in an LDR you're more likely to make some important possibly life altering decisions and serious future planning way earlier in the relationship than you would close distance. If my boyfriend lived in my city, I most likely wouldn't think about where we were going to live in a few years or how we could arrange an international wedding just yet. I mean, I would probably discuss some basics and daydream about things but at a much less serious level than I do with my boyfriend now. If you're LDR you might have to decide whether you're committed enough to move to the other end of the country/continent/planet at a very early stage in the relationship, at which you'd still get to know each other and find out more about your relationship CD.

It's difficult to compare the two, because they just work differently.

[Zephii]

I disagree.

I mean, for Obi and I, our courtship was much much longer than a regualr relationship. He's Canadian and I'm Australian, and we were young and had no money (and other factors) and didn't actually meet in person (and thus start officially dating) for five bloody years. But, once we did meet, our relationship progressed in leaps and bounds. I found there were stages where we were forced to progress faster than a regular relationship because there was no middle step option. For example, we moved in together before he was really ready, because it wouldnt be practical to live seperatly. We knew that for us to do anything together it'd take a lot of money and planning, so we were always talking about the next step.

That and because there wasn't the pressure of having met face to face we got deeply emotional very quickly, even if we were slow to bring that to a physical level.

[Sunbeam]

I find that in my relationship, it's a curious balance of moving faster/slower than if Mark and I were CD.
Being LD, we have to both be very committed. This relationship is not just for kicks and giggles for either of us. We've only been together since December, and just gave our relationship a name in April. However, since December we've discussed meeting, and if we still love each other as much in person, engagement and eventual marriage as soon as I finish my degree. In a CDR, I would never discuss marriage in under a year of being "together," but I can't imagine using a LDR as a "fun" or "filler" relationship because there's no physical aspect. My friends have went as far as to not call Mark my S.O. because he lives in Wales, while I'm in the states.

However, I do feel our relationship moves slower than my friends in CDRs because obviously, having never met, we haven't hugged/kissed/held hands/etc... yet we talk about marriage, soooo... it's really an odd balance. But we can't explain it... We KNOW we're meant to be, despite distance.

[Tanja]

We often said to each other that being in a LDR for over 3 years made it feel like we've been together for a decade! It's cause the only way to keep things going is to talk and communicate = get to know each other inside out. I would never ever get to the level I'm now with Andy if we had been CD from the start to finish.

That's why I think LDR's are above CD relationships cause you're forced to open up to that person and seriously think about the future together and you BOTH have to make an effort for it to work. I love it how I don't have to say anything to him and he still knows exactly what to do depending on how I'm feeling cause we've been talking about it so many times. I feel completely loved, wanted and 100% safe with him and I know that I could never feel this strongly with someone I had only been with in person.

[Micah]

In my opinion, my SO and I have been together about a year and I feel closer to him than any other relationship I have been with for a year. We always say we feel like we have been together for years and years. Also, you are likely not to participate in a LDR unless you are super serious about the person, and that also increases the intensity of your relationship. I think that a LDR puts the physical aspects of a relationship aside and makes you concentrate on communicating. It forces you to communicate because that's all you have in the months apart from each other. It also helped that my SO and I saw each other about every 3 weeks, but in between those times, all we had was time to get to know each other.

[rivi87]

I agree with what most of the others are saying..I disagree that the pace of a LDR is slower the a CDR. I like many agree that I have never been so close to an SO as I am him. not being able to see eachother we talked and got to know eachother to the point where we know pretty much EVERYTHING about eachother . Being able to be physical is just a perk of a good relationship

[blferguson1s]

I agree with a lot of the replies in that I think it's the exact opposite. Chris and I have been together for about a month and a half, but it feels like so much longer. We're already making plans to get engaged and move in together in about a year. The reason we aren't doing that now is because we know it's too soon in our relationship, our parents would freak out, and we need to save up money so we both need to live at home for another year. Had we been close distance, I doubt we would have been talking about marriage for a long while.