LDR breakup, what can I do?

[Erwin2475]

was in a LDR with my ex for over a year. During that period we saw each other every 4-6 weeks. I'd fly there sometimes and she'd fly over too (4+ hour flights). It was a hefty investment but all worth it. We went through the phases...honeymoon, reality, and I think we came out very good and have been stable for a while. Trust was never a problem. Comms could be better, but it was always improving.

We started talking about plans early on, and around 4-5 months ago she agreed that she'd move to where I am, once she's settled some of her work matters. Despite the distance, we were very close and texted / spoke daily and often. It was the happiest time of my life. And her friends also said she seemed much happier with me in her life.

In February she moved in with me for 2 months, as she was taking an extended break. She brought most of her cloths and stuff, as she was going to stay and find a job. I just bought a new house, we adopted a dog, and all was good as we looked forward to a life - together at last.

6 weeks ago she went back home - that was always in the plan, that'd she'd go back to help out a new family business and charity she founded for a few months - before returning for good. The two months she was with me were very good and we really enjoyed 'living together' for real.

I sensed something wrong 3 weeks ago - she was texting me less and seemed more distant, even though she was still mostly herself when we talked. I asked her and probed a bit, and eventually she said she's not coming back.

Her main reason was that she could not drop everything - her family, friends, familiarities and her charity, to move to a new country, even one where I'm in and with a house for her to make her own. Not now, and she doesn't know when or if she ever will. And that she was very, very sorry. I know she's feeling a lot of pain and guilt, because she does love me and it's not an easy decision to make. But she chose, and it wasn't me.

Needless to say, I was heartbroken. All the sacrifice, all the time and a year waiting. Still, she could not even give the relationship a real chance, even though her feelings are there.

I pleaded and begged for a week or so, then started no contact. She's on my msn everyday but we don't talk. And I deleted her form Facebook soon after.

I (painfully) packed up all her stuff in my house and shipped them back to her, including all the letters we wrote each other during the LDR.

I honestly feels she's a little confused and didn't know what she want really. She's not ready to leave home and the comfort it provides her. But neither does she want to have a LDR indefinitely, and leave me waiting. I don't know if she loves me the same, but I know it's not easy for her this very moment (her close friends have told me she's in pain and lots of guilt). This was her first real r'ship, and she's always said she's grown and mature the most over this last year. She's 26. I'm 36.

She says she really wants to remain close friends (don't they all), as she really feels we connected strongly and had great conversations. I made the mistake of telling her I'll be here for her and be her friend, because I couldn't bear to see her wrecked with guilt, even if I'm heartbroken myself. But I've been on strict no contact for about a month.

I do think she's the one for me, and I can definitely see us being together long term, marry etc. And we even talked about it, even if it's not something that would happen soon.. But I'm also old enough to know that I have to let go if that's the best thing to do.

I can't help but feel that she would change her mind again, and even in a year or two she might look back at make a different decision. I'm not saying I'm going to wait in faint hope, but I dearly wish I have a chance to talk through things with her.

I guess I'm just very sad that she couldn't give us a chance - move here, start a new career challenge (she even got for pre-approved work permits and long term visas), and try out a life together in our own home. Instead she decided that she's better off staying where she 'belongs', with her family and friends and a 'comfort zone' essentially. Those things will always be there for her, but once I'm gone - I'm gone. I'm sad that she doesn't see it like that. My dreams and life's centre are gone, just like that. I'm coping because I like to think that I'm mature enough, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

Is there anything I can do? If it's her family, friends and other comforts that she can't give up or is not prepared to…these are factors out of my control. It really comes down to her fear of such a big change in her life and moving to anew country, new people, new circles etc…

Thanks a lot if anyone can help.

[Moon]

Other than you moving to where she is (have you considered that?), I think you've done all you can. Now you just have to try to move on, and see what happens, there are people who just can't cope with that kind of move, but there's no way to know that beforehand sometimes. I'm really, really sorry for your situation and I hope it all works out in the end. Continue the no contact rule, it's best for you both, and there's the possibility it'll give her time to really think about her choice and if it's worth it or not.

[Engel]

what country do you live and wich one does she live?
maybe you being older means you are more ready for a serious relationship than her. and would probably want to marry and have kids before her (not saying it is the case, just saying what can be the reason),
i left everything behind, country, family, friends, my own language, to move to germany with my so, and i never looked back. sure, there are hard times, every begin is hard, as they say here, but now, after a year, im doing something i love (roller derby) that gave me the chance to made so many friends in here, and im happy. my german gets a tiny bit better everyday, i have my so, and he is amazing for me, and i know we will get married in the future, we have kind of talks like this, and even talk about how we will grow old together, and how we will be when we are around 80 or 90 (we want to live more than 100 years, one of the 101 things to do before you die listed in the book with that name, ha), what i mean is, was it easy for me? HECK NO! is still a little hard, but everyday it gets easier.

i think you did all you could, in the end we just need to see what really matters for us, and she made her choice.

all the best for you. *hugs*

[Erwin2475]

Thanks so much for your replies.

I would be willing to leave my family and friends to move to where she is - if I am confident of being able to provide for both of us well. The fact is I've spent the last 10 years setting up my base here (at home), and my career is here (i'm part owner of a company that is growing), and I just bought a house. She knew all these, which is why we started talking about plans months ago. Once she was done with her charity, she'd leave it in better hands and move here to find a job and start a life. She even said she was ready to go and start somewhere new. She's not had a real full-time job since she graduated, and most of her last las 2 years were spent setting up the charity. So it seemed logical that she'd move to where I am, where I can help provide for her and us, at least in the short to mid-term.

I'm in Singapore. She's in Taiwan, although she grew up in Vancouver. So language and culture aren't really issues (English is the langauge in Singapore, and she speaks Mandarin too, which is even better cos she's bilingual and that could really help her in Singapore). I could go on listing the reasons....but in the end she realise it's not what she's prepared to give up.

It could be due to her age (although I don't think 26 is that young) and certainly emotional maturity (I was her first, realy boyfriend). The decision proved too big for her. She wants her fmaily, sister and firends and dogs around her. I'm just very sad that we never had a chance. She could come here, try it out for a couple of years, and if things don't work out for her here or between us, she could return to Taiwan or Vancouver and she wouldn't have lost that much. At least I'd know that we tried. Now, things ended even before they could really start. For a year all we talked about was the moment when sknoswe could really be together. Now, she simply made a turnaround, and said she can't help how she feels. I feel like a fool sometimes, really, thinking I was so important in her life. All the things she said I don't know if she knew if she meant it. If she did it wouldn't have turned out like that for sure. Just like Engel, who took a chance at happiness, depsite the difficulties. But Engle had a priority clear. My ex really did not, and in the end all she kept doing was apologizing and saying she feels pain and guilt.

I'm trying to move on without faint hopes, but it's so hard. I keep wondering when she'll contact me again. I surely will not break no contact. There are nights when I dream that she apologized and came back to me. In the morning, it just feels so depressing. Everytime I come home to an empty house, I can't help but be reminded of what should have been. Just 2 months ago, we were supposed to live here happily with our dog. Now, I'm alone and the dog has been rehomed (he's doing great now, better than being home 10-1 hours a day by himself), and all my dreams shattered. Marriage and having kids weren't my focus, and I told her that. I just wanted us to live together for a while and try it out.

I have much respect for Engel, who made the move. Maybe it's because I don't feel my ex 's reasons make a lot of sense long term, and I'm even willing to wait another year or so until she settles her matters in Taiwan, or spent more time with her parents and charity before making the move. But she did nothing to try and save the relationship. She just said it's best to end it, cried, and hung up.

I miss her everyday now, although sometimes I don't know if I missed her or the relationship. She was my best friend and she really loved me and was so devoted. I had no issue with trust at all, because she's so loyal. We talked everyday and everything was so great. And just like that, overnight, it's over. No-one saw it coming, not me, not her close friends, I think not even her parents. Although I'm sure she spoke to people and she was probably told the best thing would be to end it so I don't wait indefinitely for her.

I'm sorry for the wordcount. No one can really help me except myself, and it's so hard.

[Mara]

In the end, I think it was just too much for her and she broke up to spare you both the pain of dragging out the long distance relationship when she knew she did not want to move. I think that's what it came down to. She couldn't leave her family and her friends. As much as she loved you, she couldn't give up her home and make a new one with you so far from everything she knows. It doesn't sound like you are in a situation to move either so as sad as it is the two of you came to an impasse. I'm so sorry and I truly hope in time you can heal and move on.

[Karringtyn]

I have to say I have tears running down my cheeks. I feel so bad that anyone has to go through all of this. I don't have any advice...but I wanted to say you truly have a great heart and such a good grasp on love and all. I hope everything works out for you and you are able to have peace with all of this. I can't imagine what you are going through...

[13000km]

Moving to a new place is VERY intimidating. It only hit me how much harder it is to trade one LDR for a handful than I expected. By moving from Singapore to the US, I'm ending one LDR and starting about 10 new ones with my friends and family back at home. Maybe she didn't realise this before she left and was not strong enough to handle the emotional struggle that comes with it.

I can tell you have done everything you could to try to make her more comfortable in the new place, but the rest is up to her. Karringtyn is right, I'm glad you have such a good grasp on the situation, it is truly admirable. I don't know how to help, but am hoping for the best for you and that you will be able to move on from here.

[Erwin2475]

Thanks all for the messages. I notice you're all women (I think), so it's great to hear your take on this. Really appreciate it.

I miss her so much. There are times I feel so tempted to message her, believing that my state of mind is healthy enough to just talk as friends. After all it was how we began – talking for hours on end on MSN for months, before sparks started to fly. It’s a beautiful way to start a blossoming relationship – just on conversations that go for hours. I’m sure we can still do that now. But I know I’m not ready, and it’ll just kill me. he has not contacted me since, and I sure as hell am not going to break no contact. But frankly I wouldn’t know what to say even if she did. I don’t want to small talk, yet if the relationship comes up I don’t know what’s worth saying without things getting bitter or unhappy again. My confidence has not come back to a level where I can take this on with grace and emotional intelligence in a conversation, I don’t think.

I wonder what she’s thinking, and if she thinks of me at all. I wonder if there’s any regret, or is it relief that she finally chose what she wants. I wonder if she’s met someone new. I know there are always guys circling her, but she’s picky (like me). But if she does meet someone I hope he treats her the way she deserves to be.

I’m really trying to move on, but I love and miss her so much, and while I accept her reasons (and from what some of you said here, it's understandable and I agree) I can’t accept why she does not value this relationship enough to make an effort to talk to me or find ways to save it. A break up was the most obvious and easy route, but really, it seemed rash and a quickly-taken decision. Apologies and saying it’s all her fault do no good for me. She really didn't do anything much to try and save this, but I think it's because she was at a lost too, and would rather throw herself into her work. I can’t accept that she rather live with the regret, if she has any. One thing about my life is I don’t want to live with regrets, but it seems like that’s going to be the case when it comes to what might have been with her.

Could we have made it if we saw each other 3 or 4 times a year? Give it a year or so and see if things change? I’m more than willing to wait a year, and she wouldn’t owe me anything for it. But none of this even surface as a remote option. If she even said that long distance simply will not work for her, at least THAT’s a reason. Or even if she told me that frankly her feelings aren’t the same anymore. But no, there were no talk, no solution-finding, no closure.

I’m going out, meeting people, and will even go on dates. But it’s all just part of the healing process. I can’t contemplate another relationship until I get over this one, and that’s the problem: I don’t know when that will be. I’m not one of those who don’t believe there’s someone better out there, or that I will not find someone else better. But for all of her faults, I still love her. I was really in for the long haul, and no matter what we fought over (which wasn’t that often), or disagree on, I knew I want to be with her for life. I can’t explain it. It’s not blind – I love her really for who she is, and how she treated me as a girlfriend and made me feel as a person. It’s a connection not so easily broken. And she truly was my best friend.

How does one pick up the pieces of an old life, knowing that things will never be the same again? When I was with her I felt ageless. Now, I’m getting more aware that I’m on the wrong side of 30. I’ve always been philosophical about meeting that ‘someone’. If it doesn’t happen, so be it. I’ll find other things to do and successes to achieve. I was prepared to stay single for the rest of my life, rather than ‘settling’ for someone or something less.

I thought she and I coming together was fated and written in the stars, because our meeting was so improbable. Yet we fit so well. And I always thought the long distance and all the challenges in our way were there because something so good isn’t meant to be easy; that’ll we’ll overcome them all one by one and we’ll be together the better for it. I truly, truly believed that, and it was what kept me going in the LDR. Now I’ve got a broken heart patched together by some remnants of willpower left, and alone and just lacking purpose. My house is empty but all I see are shattered dreams everywhere. I won’t cower or go into depression because I’m better than that, and time is a healer – I know that. But I don’t how I’m going to live with the regret…

[Mara]

How long has it been since the two of you have spoken? Are you sure you won't consider breaking no contact with her at all? I can tell you loved this woman very much and it doesn't seem like you have any closure on the matter and at the least, I think you deserve and need that. Maybe talking to her at least once more would give you that.

[Erwin2475]

It's been 5 weeks since we spoken (when we broke up). There's been emails and messages since, and the last time was about 2 weeks ago when she sent me a short message thanking me for shippng all her stuff back to Taiwan. No contact at all since then really.

Frankly I don't know if there's such thing as real closure, and even if there is can we really have true closure by talking it over, if it doesn't make things even more painful. I'm improving very slowly everyday. Deleted her from Facebook and stopped following her activities, although she's still on Skype and I do see her online. I admit I'm actually waiting for her to contact, but don't know what to say even if that happens, except to keep any conversation short. I don't think it's good for me to bring up the relationship again, unless she initiates it.

Truth is even if she says she was wrong and wants to come back in some way, I don't know if I'll agree to it right away. She can't just walk out and walk back in. She has to earn it, really. This has been a really, really hard time for me and all I've been doing is trying to get better I can't imagine diving back in again like that. I need to get better and into a healthier state of mind first.

It doesn't matter that I love her and miss her and terribly want her back in my life. If I can't believe that I can go on and be ok without her, I don't think I'll be ready to consider any reunion - if that makes any sense. I really need to take care of myself and get my confidence back. That is my thinking. Of course I might cave...

[krabuzh]

I am really sorry to read your condition. Being in your condition now surely will bring me down mentally.

Making a decision about moving and leaving a dear family and friend is surely the hardest thing to do. Actually, I'm in the similar situation with your SO right now. My SO lives in Germany and I live in Indonesia. I'm also thinking and planning about moving to Germany, but to make it happen I need a lot of preparation. Including to prepare my mental, since I will face a whole different thing there (culture, habit, season, etc.). I just hope that everything will goes smoothly.

refer to your latest post, have you ever think that maybe the same situation also happen with her? In terms of initiating the contact?
But I think she also broken, the same with your condition now and all she need to do is just settle down with her feeling and after figure it out then she might be ready to contact you again.

But to read your post, that even if she initiated the contact/relationship again there is no guarantee that you both will be re-united again, honestly it make me sad.
Because from what I get, you two are really close and loved each other dearly.
I just wish the best for you both, whatever it will be.

[Engel]

I hope you are better and that things get better for you, ive been in your shoes before and i know how you feel. *hugs*

[BabyKirsty]

Sorry dude I think its over. I mean she didn't even want to take about other options and you've been on no contact for a month now. For all you know she could have been trying to move on during this time. And breaking up is hard to do. But everyday you get a little bit stronger. I mean this is your second chance to find a girl close by. I mean LDRs work but we aren't in them because we enjoy being away from our loved ones. I'd say its time to move on.

[Erwin2475]

Been on strict (almost) 2 month NC. Thought I was in a good place. Not that I was about to RC, but I really thought I was getting much better and on my way - working out, going out, focusing on work…sleeping and eating well.

Today I just found out my long distance ex, barely a month after she broke up with me over the phone, is dating someone else. It was like a knife through my heart, I'm ashamed to admit. I feel like I'm back to square one - it's obvious that I was nowhere near ready, but I'm still shock at how this one piece of news totally undid what I thought I had achieved.

I'm up at 3am writing this, cos I can't sleep. I tried to keep the thoughts out, and I did even worse by browsing some pics of them two on Facebook (even though I deleted her from FB long time ago - it's still pretty easy to find through mutual friends).

Man, am I really going to have to go through this again? I know how is it, and what I must do, but guys you know that it's impossible to control the emotions right now. All the bad thoughts that are infecting my mind like a disease.

I don't even think I want this woman back in my life, I just want to forget. I don't deserve this, after everything I've done for her. Basically, she decided suddenly that she cannot move to where I am, and so broke it off. Weeks later, she's with someone else.

Seriously, I don't know if I care much for NC or RC or whatever. I just want to forget this and move on. There's no happy ending to this either way, I don't believe. We are living separate lives, and I really wish I can purge all these thoughts out of my head.

Facebook is evil man, seriously. The guy already has 'in a relationship with XXX' done up, but she didn't update her status - probably doesn't want to make it so obvious and I know she doesn't want me to find out about it. I broke my NC with Facebook too, now I really have to try and not go on digging for info.

I don't need to say more. You guys know what I'm going through. Damn this sucks.

[kaitycat]

This is going to sound really corny, but about a year ago I broke up with a guy I'd been dating for 3 years, and been living with for 6 months-- we cared about each other but there was just no future. It was a really hard time for me. As weird as it sounds, what got me through the whole things was this book called "it's called a break up because it's broken". You can actually download an audio version for free through amazon's audible program (just sign up for a free trial, download the book and cancel your membership). I got the audio version and put it on my mp3 player, and any time I felt sad or even thought about him, I would listen to the book. For the first 2 weeks I listened to in on repeat basically everywhere I went. In my car, at the mall, ever around my house. If I couldn't sleep at night, I listened to the damned book. It gives some pretty good tips for getting over your relationship, regardless of the who/where/what/why. It's brutally honest, and it works for both men and women. If you can get it for free, I really recommend it.