Feeling A Little Put On ... Need Some Advice

[Sierra]

Hey guys,

I've known my boyfriend for a long time and we've had feeling for each other for almost a year before we met in person and made our relationship official. To put it bluntly, while he is the man of my dreams but I'm unwilling to waste my life waiting on someone who isn't able to make changes necessary so he's satisfied with his own life.

Long story short, without going into too much detail, my boyfriend is really ashamed of his living conditions and as such, won't let me go see him. Normally this is a red flag, but I work for an attorney and have access to background checks like you wouldn't believe, so his story about his living situation totally checks out and I'm willing to work with him on this.

However, this is what it comes down to. I have a really hard time totally trusting him while I can't visit him there, I know he doesn't lie to me, but I feel like my feelings on the matter are justified. We won't know if he's able to move out of where he's living now or if he's going to come live with me until the end of August.

This is so disheartening to me. I've told him time and time again, I am not going to judge where you live or how you have to live right now, I understand and I'm not dating the house you live in, I'm dating you, and he counters with all he wants is to show me something he's proud of.

I'm scared that come the end of August nothing is going to change, he's going to end up staying where he is and I"m going to remain unable to visit him. I don't think I can carry on a relationship that way nor do I think it's fair to me.

Now I know staying in a hotel is an option, we've both talked about it and it's pretty unaffordable for our budgets and really humiliating to me.

Someone help me, how much patience should I have regarding this? It is a make or break issue in our relationship and this isn't a man I want to lose. I won't wait forever for him to make a change that would facilitate our relationship moving forward ...

[Tanja]

Can't he come visit you in your house? If he's short on cash you could help him with that.

I can't really imagine what kind of living situation would be so bad that you wouldn't let the person you're supposed to trust and love know about it. But that's just my opinion.

that been said, a lot of guys want to be the succeeder in the relationship. It can be hard on his ego if you have a nice job and a pretty apartment... He might feel inadequate and embarrased about it all and if that's the case your job is to convince him otherwise, not get mad at him for it.

Have you talked about closing the distance? How far apart are you guys? Is there something stopping him from coming to you?

[Rugger]

Can't he come visit you in your house? If he's short on cash you could help him with that.

I can't really imagine what kind of living situation would be so bad that you wouldn't let the person you're supposed to trust and love know about it. But that's just my opinion.

that been said, a lot of guys want to be the succeeder in the relationship. It can be hard on his ego if you have a nice job and a pretty apartment... He might feel inadequate and embarrased about it all and if that's the case your job is to convince him otherwise, not get mad at him for it.

Have you talked about closing the distance? How far apart are you guys? Is there something stopping him from coming to you?

This. Why can't he visit you? Its cheaper than a hotel and allows you more time to be together.

[lucybelle]

I think I remember her posting before that he has come visited her, but she wants to visit him. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I can understand him being embarrassed about the place he lives. I teach at a school where lots of my kids are homeless, in group homes, or just dirt poor. And even though almost all of them are in about the same situation, they still do everything they can to look like they come from a different place. A pair of sisters will share their shoes so it looks like they have 2 pairs. Things like that.

I guess I got off on a tangent, but my point is that I understand him being stand-offish when it comes to you visiting. I know you don't want to wait forever (I wouldn't either) so try to focus on closing the distance for now. If that doesn't go through, then you'll have to make some decisions.

[Sierra]

Can't he come visit you in your house? If he's short on cash you could help him with that.

I can't really imagine what kind of living situation would be so bad that you wouldn't let the person you're supposed to trust and love know about it. But that's just my opinion.

that been said, a lot of guys want to be the succeeder in the relationship. It can be hard on his ego if you have a nice job and a pretty apartment... He might feel inadequate and embarrased about it all and if that's the case your job is to convince him otherwise, not get mad at him for it.

Have you talked about closing the distance? How far apart are you guys? Is there something stopping him from coming to you?

He does come visit me and we split the plane ticket. He pays one way and I pay one way. He's coming to see me in 9 days. We aren't that far apart all things considering. He's in Texas and I'm in California.

I don't get mad at him at all about this, I've told him that it hurts me that he thinks i"m going to judge his living situation because I care about him so much but I do understand that he wants to have a place he's proud of. But for me, him just coming here isn't enough to build a real relationship. I want to meet his dog, his friends, his family. I want to spend time with him and see where he lives.

We have talked about closing the distance both ways. He has considered moving here but he's a contracted employee so we're going to see what happens. I am willing to move there but couldn't do anything about it until March after I've worked at least one year at my job for the experience.

I don't feel like it's right to hash out the reasons why he doesn't want me to come visit him and why he's ashamed, but I do understand where he's coming from so I don't push it, but it does still hurt me. I'm not a judgmental person at all, I accept him for who he is, I just want to feel included in his life.

I think I remember her posting before that he has come visited her, but she wants to visit him. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I can understand him being embarrassed about the place he lives. I teach at a school where lots of my kids are homeless, in group homes, or just dirt poor. And even though almost all of them are in about the same situation, they still do everything they can to look like they come from a different place. A pair of sisters will share their shoes so it looks like they have 2 pairs. Things like that.

I guess I got off on a tangent, but my point is that I understand him being stand-offish when it comes to you visiting. I know you don't want to wait forever (I wouldn't either) so try to focus on closing the distance for now. If that doesn't go through, then you'll have to make some decisions.

I do understand him being stand-offish and I'm very respectful of this. I don't push it with him and I won't push him until we know what's going on with his work. I do remind him that I hope I can visit him in the future, he talks about getting his own place or coming out here, and then us going back to visit Texas together, but at the end of the day, him not letting me out there hurts me.

I work part time and could visit him more often than he can see me. I just wish he'd let me in his life totally because while I do trust him, I can't trust him completely until he lets me into his life. I want to trust him 100% but this is really stopping me.

And he is coming to visit me again in 9 days, we do see each other, but I know we could see each other more if he let me come see him.

[Moon]

It's not that he thinks that you're judgmental at all, I'm sure he knows you aren't, it's his pride. You shouldn't feel hurt, it's not about you, it's about him and IMO only, I feel you should let him keep his pride. Even though it might not make a lot of sense to you, we're women, we think differently about these things than men do, and obviously this is an important issue affecting him. Let it go for a while, trust isn't built on meeting someone's family and friends, or seeing their living conditions, although I understand the concern, give him the chance to make it better, to where he's proud to show you his accomplishments.

Whether you'd judge him or not, he sounds like he's just too embarrassed to deal with having you there right now, if there's no other reason to be suspicious of him, just respect that for now. Be patient with him and it'll eventually pay off.

[Sierra]

It's not that he thinks that you're judgmental at all, I'm sure he knows you aren't, it's his pride. You shouldn't feel hurt, it's not about you, it's about him and IMO only, I feel you should let him keep his pride. Even though it might not make a lot of sense to you, we're women, we think differently about these things than men do, and obviously this is an important issue affecting him. Let it go for a while, trust isn't built on meeting someone's family and friends, or seeing their living conditions, although I understand the concern, give him the chance to make it better, to where he's proud to show you his accomplishments.

Whether you'd judge him or not, he sounds like he's just too embarrassed to deal with having you there right now, if there's no other reason to be suspicious of him, just respect that for now. Be patient with him and it'll eventually pay off.

See, I get that, but at the same time sometimes I get worried, what if he's hiding something. I don't have any reason to think that he is, but I don't have any way of knowing.

I do understand it's a pride thing for him. He's a man and he wants to be somewhere that he can be proud of, this is why I've let this go for so long (we originally tried to meet a year ago with me going there but it fell apart because of this issue). I should know more at the end of August, if he can move here, if he can get his own place so I can visit him there.

I do want to make it clear I am very respectful of his boundaries, I don't bring it up or push the issue with him. I'm nothing but patient because I really care about this man and I don't want to push him so he in turn pushes me away. I want to be with him, I just want a chance to make that happen and I'm not happy with him just coming to see me all the time.

While building trust may not be about meeting family and friends, that's how I would feel more incorporated in his life. It's an important step to me.