New member; about to move to be with SO, but he's stopped calling

[anyand]

Hello all! (waves) I'm a new forum member, and I'm sorry to dive right in - but I found LFAD through some desperate googling and it seems like exactly the place to deal with the issue I'm currently battling ... you guys have been there.

My boyfriend and I have been together for six and a half months, three in person and three and a half long distance. We knew going in that we would have a four month separation, and spoke carefully about this before entering the relationship. He's in South Africa; I'm in North America. We're both older (he's 37; I'm 30), and devout Christians, so the relationship was very serious from the beginning - we were only interested in dating long distance if it might lead to marriage. We exchanged promise rings before I left South Africa (in late February), and I went to visit for a week in April. That visit was turbulent, with one big fight, but by the end of the week we'd "readjusted" to our old ways and parted on very romantic, committed terms.

Even with the visit, long distance hasn't been easy - e-mail/internet access in South Africa's intermittent, and my boyfriend's job is very demanding (he's headmaster of a private school and has commitments basically 6 AM - 8 PM). We've kept at it nonetheless, e-mailing twice a week and talking once a week. Our conversations are always wonderful, no fights or tension. We love each other a lot (or so it's seemed ...)

I'm back in South Africa on July 13th - just three weeks now - and will be there for five months.

And there's the rub: he hasn't e-mailed me in two and a half weeks. There was no hint of tension or upset in his last mail (he actually set up a chat time with me, though we didn't get to chat because the WiFi went down - a sadly regular occurrence in ZA). In our last convo, he said he'd be e-mailing/talking to me MORE. I'm baffled and kind of nervous about the impending trip. Has this happened to anyone? Does anyone have any advice? What in the heck is going on!?

Other possibly relevant info:

- it's the final week of school (which I thought would mean less work, but might mean more?), and as of our last chat (in early June), he's moving houses/house hunting and replacing his car. I was cutting him slack, but ... two and a half weeks?!

- during our fight in April, we discussed what would happen if we were to break up. The BF told me, quote, "If I wanted to break up with you, I would say to you, 'Look, it's over.'" And I believe that - he's very straightforward and not a shady guy. He's actually better at bringing up relationship issues than I am.

- What I've done: e-mailed today to say, "Look, this is hurting me; it breaks the trust I placed in our relationship to be cut off in this way. I love you lots, but I won't contact you again until I hear from you."

I would love any input from people who have been there. I know sometimes a partner can get cold feet right before the move, but he's had MONTHS to tell me (and has actively encouraged my plane ticket purchasing), and multiple communication opportunities. He also understands just how much money is on the line for me. And I mean, dude, he's almost 40 and I'm 30. As he said to me in that same conversation I quoted above, "This isn't a varsity relationship." We've been *extremely* serious.

Thank you so much (in advance!)

[Engel]

do you know someone else from hsia family or friends? not wanting to worry you even more, but maybe he is sick or something and cant get to the pc. try to contact someone else if you can before being mad at him.

[Moon]

I'd too be concerned about his health first, try to get confirmation that he's OK somehow. If he is, no matter how busy he might be, he can send a quick email saying "all good, too busy, talk later" just to ease your mind. No matter how serious the relationship feels, six and a half months simply isn't long enough to know how someone will react in all situations, and he might be reacting to cold feet. Unfortunately, until you speak with him, you won't know, but I do have to say though, if he's not incapacitated in some way, what he's doing is quite cruel. Regardless of the reason, ignoring you is NOT OK. Good luck.

[Yaaamiii]

I would be more afraid if something happened to him. I'd try to contact anyone you know who is close to him or knows someone who is close to him. Not trying to scare you, but like moon said, he could at least say "I'm busy". Then again he might have lost access to the internet? Or something? :c G'luck

[anyand]

Thank you guys so much for the advice - it helps (a lot!) to read peoples' responses.

I contacted a close mutual friend this morning - after seeing that my BF had signed into Facebook and friended two random people (conceivably coworkers as they're both in education). This seems like a terrible sign to me.

Our mutual friend - they also work together, so are just an office door apart - said that he'd been working around the clock on a huge project for the whole school network of which he's part. She said she'd hardly seen him in a week, that he was having to delegate assignments all over the place, and when she did see him he looked terrible. My response: okay, so he IS busy - but he's also on Facebook. She didn't really know what to say.

I guess he IS opting for the silent treatment breakup ... and I guess I'm still flying to South Africa, as I've been planning the next five months there for almost half a year (have a rental lease arranged, have paid for an international driver's license and applied for an extended stay visa, all of which was ALSO expensive). This is insane.

[Moon]

If this turns out as badly as it looks, think of the money you had to waste as a small price to pay for not getting stuck with the wrong man. Trust me, it's much cheaper in the long run I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I hope it works out for you.

[Engel]

If this turns out as badly as it looks, think of the money you had to waste as a small price to pay for not getting stuck with the wrong man. Trust me, it's much cheaper in the long run I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I hope it works out for you.

I agree. if ou go there, do you have friends? it would be much more painful to be there that close to him if you breakup them if you are at home, where you wont risk to see him in the street.
and you wont share a flat with him or something like this? if not at least this is something.

[Joyce:)]

This sounds plain immature and really stupid, since he knows he's going to have to face you when you go over there in mid july.
If the co-worker is tiptoeing around your feelings, tell her to please be honest and tell you what is going on, surely she must know something.
And yes, it sucks that you have to spend so much money over a person who is treating you this way, but as it has been said, it's better to lose some money than to find out later along the road that he's the wrong one.
If I was you, anyway, as soon as got there, I'd let him know how angry I am.

[anyand]

This sounds plain immature and really stupid, since he knows he's going to have to face you when you go over there in mid july.

Again, thank you guys all so much! And re: the quote above - yes! This is exactly what I'm thinking - we ARE going to run into each other, and we've always had great communication in the past - usually initiated by him! I wouldn't even have minded a "AH, really busy with work, need to take a break from the relationship for a bit but I'll see you when you're here." I trust him and respect his work schedule - that's always been a strong tie between us - and I have no fears of him cheating (even now. Oddly, I still trust him? Is that weird?)

The coworker didn't seem to think I needed to be worried, which was also odd. She wondered if I was being "overly emotional" because of another, unrelated trauma (a good friend of mine passed away on Friday). She's not really one for sheltering me - very much a mom figure, but with kind of a tough love, "buck up, girl!" approach - so her lack of upset ... made me less upset? Does that make sense?

I'm still confused as hell, but based on everything in the past (and how incredibly stupid/immature this technique of breaking up would be) I'm trying to assume that the BF has dug himself into a pit where he knows he should have contacted me, feels like crap because he didn't, is too busy with work to figure out how to resolve things, and is just making it worse and worse by ... not resolving things. He has a tendency toward depression and has been insecure in the past about ME dumping him because of LDR strains, so ... yeah. I can sort of see this.

And if nothing else, when I go back I am looking forward to being like, "YO. We need to MEET. You may think it's weird that I want to? Well, I think it's weird to silent treatment dump someone with whom you've discussed marriage right before she moves TEN THOUSAND MILES to Africa. MAN UP."

Thank you guys again for being a great "ear."

[Petals]

Big ((hugs)) to you.

This must be a really difficult time for you. Since you know he's ok then it's time to just wait until he contacts you. Your last message to him is enough to get your point across. In the meantime, be good to yourself.