LDR where there are young children involved

[Natyliz]

Hi! I am a single mum with two young children (6 & 9) who see their father on pretty regular and constant basis - we have been seperated for 6 years. Now I find myself in a Long Distance Relationship with another parent. He is the father of an 8 year old and he also sees her on regular basis (up to 3 times or so a week).

My SO has vistited with me on several occassions and has met my children just as I have travelled to his home town and met his little girl. The children have not met each other in person but enjoy little chats over Skype as we both have little girls around the same age.

The subject of closing the distance has not been brought up, I honestly don't know how it would work! I have commitments here with my children and their father just as my SO does with his daughter where he lives. How will this work? Has anyone else been in a similar situation, or know of someone who has? The only solution I have thought of is waiting till the children are old enough to truely decide where they would like to live and then could travel on school holidays to visit the other parent. yes it would mean ALOT of talking between all parties with alot of compromising.

I've never mentioned closing the distance, or anything really further away than our next planned holiday. I'm scared of the reality of things not working, of not being able to find a solution. I'm so terrified of him saying "Gee Nat, you know what? This just may not work"", then coming to a sudden end of our relationship.

Any thoughts at all on this matter would be wonderful! Ta, Nat

[Minerva]

I'm in a similar situation, except my SO is in another country. His youngest and my child are both 9 years from 18, and neither of us is willing to move until our children are adults.

We're both trying to look at this with eyes wide open. I love him dearly, more than any other man I've known, and we fit so well together, but 9 years is a long time. My SO and I are absolutely committed to trying to make our relationship work, but we've talked about how the children always come first, and how one of us might meet someone else before we can close the distance. It would break my heart if that happened, but we've gone into this knowing it might not work.

The only thing I can say is you need to talk and be prepared for it not to work: you can't torture yourself with the fear he might just decide on his own it's not working. Other than that, just take it one day at a time. We can't know the future; who knows what might transpire to make things work out? And for myself, I'd rather try to make this work than look back and regret I never tried to make it work with the love of my life. That's actually what I think gets me through the fear: not trying and losing him would be worse than trying and losing him.

Not really much help, I know, just some commiseration from someone who understands.

*hugs*

[Tanja]

Hi Nat

I have a daughter who's 10 so that was the reason I couldn't move to my SO. He moved here instead but we agreed that once she's old enough (maybe 15-16) we'll move, either closer to Finland's capital city or maybe even to Wales for a bit. But I want to make sure she's old enough to make decisions about it and of course I'll have to talk to her dad about it too.


I know it's not the same situation as yours since you both have kids but I don't see any other way than waiting a bit until the kids understand what's going on and obviously their other parents have to be included in all of this. Young kids adapt quite well though so it is very possible to move with them, it's just a matter of who would be willing to do it. Also what I think is good is that the kids would have friends in one another which would make the transition much easier.


There are many ways to go with this and it definitely doesn't mean that you have to break up! It's all about making choices, sacrifices and compromises and that's just the way LDRs are, whether you have kids or not.


If you're both willing to make this work then it will, it just might take time and a lot of hard work but trust me, it's worth it!

[Engel]

I dont have a kid, but let me tell you something, my father was married, his job wasnt so good where he lived, in rio de janeiro 9brazil), them he was in a contest and became a police chief in amazon, a way better job and all, but in another state...
his ex wife didnt want to move away with him. he needed the job, she said she wouldnt live the place she lived to move with him, even though she didnt even have a job there! so she stayed with their daughter. they got divorced.
one or two years after, he met my mom, around 2 more years after (or 3, dont remember exactly) i was born. he never again had the same relationship with my half sister.


im glad i was born, but i still am sad for my sister that because of her mother selfishness stayed away from her (our) father.

i agree with whoever says not to move, if the other parent is envolved in the childs life, until the kid is over age.
if you move with both your parents, is already difficult to start a new life in a new city for a kid, with just one parent, leaving the other behind? i would not want to be in that childs shoes.

so even though im a romantic, and believe love conquers all. there is an exception for that rule, the day i have a kid i would be willing to sacrifice my own hapinnes if it was for my child. because they are innocent and didnt ask to be brought up to this world.
and if someday me and my so have a kid and God forbid, dont work out together anymore, i would not move away from him with the kid, only if he would move to the new place i would go as well, even if we werent a couple anymore.

have the parents around when you are growing up... there isnt anything to made up for that, and noone could, specially mommys new boyfriend, or daddys new girlfriend. if i was the kid and my mother or father wanted to move away with me because one of them met someone new, i would stay where i was, with the parent that didnt want to move away.


sorry to be the devils advocate here or if i sounded heartless, is just i feel really strongly when there is the well being of children envolved

[Micah]

I lived 10 hours from my SO. I have two daughters, who are aged 5 & 6. I let their father know that I wanted to eventually move away. Then, their father decided he wanted to move to the area as well. So, he actually moved to a place about an hour from my SO. It worked out great for us because then I didn't feel guilty taking them away from their father. I realize that my situation is kind of the exception, though. I am lucky it went as smoothly as it did, but now we have to adjust to being an instant family! I think it is definitely harder with kids involved.