Retroactive Jealousy?

[Engel]

I totally get it but my friends don't. It hurts to me hear about past relationships because I'm constantly comparing myself to other people my boyfriend has been with. Oh she did this, oh he considers her the one who got away, oh she's so much prettier than me and I'll never be like that.

I understand why for some people it's important to know about past relationships, but I'm not at the point in my relationship yet where I can talk to my boyfriend about those without feeling jealous. For me my feelings of jealousy aren't actually jealousy, well I guess they are, but mostly it's a feeling of being inadequate. He's never been in a long distance relationship before and while I know he's in one with me now, which means he thinks I'm worth it, I still get jealous of the women he's been with and the things he's done for them.

It also makes me upset that they treated him badly when I feel like I never want to let him go.

My very good friend thinks it's important to talk about past relationships, length, why they ended and all that, and it really bothers her that while we've known each other for so long we both know very little about each others past relationships. I've tried to tell her, if I find out that he was with someone for 4 years and lived with her, I'm going to get really jealous and I don't feel like I can handle that right now in this part of our relationship.

You and your SO have been together for a long time, and I think that at this point you should start realizing that you have no reason to be jealous. Your SO chose you, not anyone else -- just you.

i like to know about my sos past, and i like him to know about mine as well, it somehow made who we are today, or helped to. and that means all my past.

but i would certainly want to know at least if he was married before or lived with someone before, and for how long, i find this very important. just dating for years is something, living together? something else entirelly!

[Engel]

and if she is with you or my so is with me or anyone is with anyone, there is a reason, and if something ended, there waa a reason for why that hapenned as well.easy to say, hard to really understand, but the past is the past.
im trying to learn to live the present now.
but i also admit i get stuck in the past once in a while in an umpleasent way.,

[Rugger]

This is exactly why I don't want to know about my SO's past. I would get jealous of the other girls he's been with. My Ex told me exactly how many girls he'd been with and it made me crazy. There are very few things I know about my SO's past. I know his longest relationship was 2 months and I know before me, he hadn't had sex for three years ( AKA all of college). That's about it.

Nani, All that matters is who your SO is with now. She obviously loves you or she wouldn't put herself through an LDR in order to have you in her life.

[kiara_silver]

i get this, wasn't my SO's first kiss but he was mine and i admit i was very jealous and self concious when we were distant. Lol all nervous and worried. But in the end your the one she's with, she chose and wants to be with you. And thats what matters most.

[BoogleBee]

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments as well as it is the same stuff I have been saying the whole time.

This is exactly why I don't want to know about my SO's past. I would get jealous of the other girls he's been with. My Ex told me exactly how many girls he'd been with and it made me crazy. There are very few things I know about my SO's past. I know his longest relationship was 2 months and I know before me, he hadn't had sex for three years ( AKA all of college). That's about it.

Nani, All that matters is who your SO is with now. She obviously loves you or she wouldn't put herself through an LDR in order to have you in her life.

This is exactly why I never wanted to mention my ex in the first place. I have never actually brought the topic up first, as I never deemed it important and never wanted to talk about my ex with my SO, but obviously she asked about him hence all of this.

Although I am better now too, as I used to get really angry and frustrated with arguments over a past I can't change ,whereas now I am much calmer if the topic comes up. But Natalie is getting better at dealing with it, and I am helping her as best I can, and this thread helps

[Zapookie]

I am guilty of this... I check my partner's ex's facebook all the time. He is still friends with her. She knows about me and is also jealous lol. She posts on his wall a lot (mostly insignificant things which make me feel like she's trying to make me jealous). He went out to lunch with some friends the other day, and he told me she was there. IDK. I think the past does belong in the past but its hard to leave it there when its wiggling its finger in your face.

[Zapookie]

I am guilty of this... I check my partner's ex's facebook all the time. He is still friends with her. She knows about me and is also jealous lol. She posts on his wall a lot (mostly insignificant things which make me feel like she's trying to make me jealous). He went out to lunch with some friends the other day, and he told me she was there. IDK. I think the past does belong in the past but its hard to leave it there when its wiggling its finger in your face.

[NaNi]

ive done that with a girl that used to be in love with my ex, hehe
i am his first girlfriend, but im jealous even of ex flirts of him, he only kissed two girls before me, besides kissing, i was his first everything else (i wish he was mine as well. but he wasnt :/ ) and he doesnt even remember their names, haha, as he kissed them in night ckubs, and only one time each of them, to never see again, so they were far from meaningful, i feel jealous more about the ones that were in love with him in the past or that he liked in the past, because for me emotional bonds go beyond the physical ones sometimes. even so that he doesnt remember the name of the girls he kissed because he didnt talk to them and get to know them and etc.

You're right about that. I would be more bothered if my SO had told me that she was actually in love with that guy. Which she wasn't. She didn't have any feelings for him apparently. Which helps a lot.

[BoogleBee]

You're right about that. I would be more bothered if my SO had told me that she was actually in love with that guy. Which she wasn't. She didn't have any feelings for him apparently. Which helps a lot.

Exactly.
Just to add some background to this:

I am Nani's SO for any on here that don't know although most do. The guy she is talking about is a guy I went out with for 4 months when I was 15. Met him through mutual friends and everyone around me started getting boyfriends and I had low self-esteem, and thought no one would ever want me. So when this guy showed an interest I just went with it, and when he asked me out I said yes. But I never felt that comfortable with him, i.e. had a lot of awkward silences if we weren't hanging out with others, and I actually didn't enjoy spending time alone with him. He didn't do anything wrong, but I just wasn't into the relationship and so I ended it.

So yes this is a guy from 6 years ago that I went out with for 4 months. It was more of a friendship than anything else, we were very young. But we aren't in contact anymore.

[Xanahtas]

I feel the same. His ex's were all prettier than me, had bigger boobs than me (One thing that botheres me a lot - sounds weird i know) and just seemed better than me. He is still in contact with them because he is still friend with them and i do trust him. Its just the fact i wasnt his first kiss, im not the first one he touched etc. The only thing i was his first for was anything sexual. Makes me feel better lol. He was my first for everything. He knows this does bother me slightly and he always tells me how perfect i am and such and i am starting to not let it bother me. Just takes time to get out of the jealousy.

[rivi87]

Well I thought I was wierd for this...Although neither one of us were eachother's firsts he had a little more experiences than I have had..sometimes I have found myself wondering what he was like with them...Can't help thinking about it and yes it makes me mad...then I look at my engagement ring and think "He's marrying me so obviously I stand out from all his past experiences, so I shouldnt dwell on that"

[NaNi]

Thanks for all the replies! I shouldn't really be this jealous because I don't have to overthink the fact that my SO's ex is prettier than me. He's not. Ew. My girlfriend even told me many times that she identifies as gay now. Even better, right? The bad images are still in my head though. I just hate, hate, HATE thinking about that she kissed someone else, even if it was before she met me. That somebody else kissed her soft lips which I love so much.

[ClipitsWings]

I get what you mean XD I've never done anything with anyone, and he's done everything, with more than one person.. Idunno haha, I'm not asking for details on this. Part of me just wants to stick with him as his first even if this doesn't work out >> and I've only found one thing he hadn't done yet... And he's so not a virgin ...XD butevery now and then I'll see a picture on facebook orvsomething no body cared enough to untag or deletethemselves from, and I'll feel jealous that I haven't gotten to sit next to him, hug him, hold his hand, kiss him, anything. It always feels silly. I really don't mind the pictures, he looks cute in them, but I so want my own (and I'd prolly never delete em either.) but because I've never done anything, at the same time I'm jealous/feel like maybe it won't mean as much to him, it's comforting that he knows what he's doing. Is that weird? XD

[Engel]

You're right about that. I would be more bothered if my SO had told me that she was actually in love with that guy. Which she wasn't. She didn't have any feelings for him apparently. Which helps a lot.

yes it does!!!
sometimes people kiss someone else when they are single or even get in a relationship because they are bored or lonely, not because thy have feelings, so im not jealous of anything in the past that didnt envolve feelings, and neither should you be, she loves you and thats what matter. i tell myself that the past has a reason to be the past and i have a reason to be the present, and future.

[Engel]

I feel the same. His ex's were all prettier than me, had bigger boobs than me (One thing that botheres me a lot - sounds weird i know) and just seemed better than me. He is still in contact with them because he is still friend with them and i do trust him. Its just the fact i wasnt his first kiss, im not the first one he touched etc. The only thing i was his first for was anything sexual. Makes me feel better lol. He was my first for everything. He knows this does bother me slightly and he always tells me how perfect i am and such and i am starting to not let it bother me. Just takes time to get out of the jealousy.

not all big boobs are nice, i like that i have big ones but sometimes i wish they were smaller. lol
we all want what we dont have sometimes.
and you are really pretty girl.