Does your SO ever do this?

[Zapookie]

Okay so my partner has a habit of preferring to do other things than skype with me. I know that sounds bad, so I'll go into a little bit more detail.

We chat over facebook, and MSN pretty much every day, and we will skype a number of times per week. He lives east coast USA, and I live in sydney so we have a large time difference. We often skype when he's going to bed, and pretty much talk right up until he falls asleep and then I'll end the call.

Now, I usually will drop everything I'm doing to have a skype date with him.. pretty much because I love listening to him talk and it makes my day. He says the same. However, he often won't do this. When I know its getting late for him, I'll ask him if he wants to talk and if he's busy, he'll say "oh, gimme half an hour, after I finish this episode of the office and then we'll chat ," (he hasn't done this in a while though but it used to upset me). Or sometimes he'd say no, because he wanted to fall asleep while watching a movie instead of talking to me.

I basically stopped asking to call him because I was shut down almost every time like this. So now I am at his beck and call. We only skype when he's not busy, or when I muster up the courage to ask in hopes I won't get shut down again. Tonight we didn't skype because he chose a movie to fall asleep to. I got upset for a minute and shook it off and had to mentally slap myself and do other things to take my mind off it.

He has a lot of time on his hands, and I just feel like he could pick other times of the day to do this.

I have spoken to him about this and told him that whenever I ask him he says no, and he initially was like "nooooo I don't" but then he told me he was sorry and didn't mean to hurt me. Is it rational to be upset over this issue? Would you consider it trivial? Have you been through the same?

(you might probably say, pick another time of the day to skype him, but its not the same. I like being able to fall asleep with him even if its for a short while and listen to him breathe. )

[folclor]

my boyfriend does similar things sometimes. Like... I'll be headed for bed (we usually go to sleep around the same time) so I'll text him and ask him if he wants to chat and he'll inform me that he's gaming and he may not get off in time to chat. I think... a couple spends so much time together for however long that at least one of the couple might be afraid of losing himself so he tries to fill his time with other things in a combined effort to have more to talk about when you talk and also so that he can still be himself even though he's part of a couple. I totally understand getting upset as I do that often when it comes to being disappointed.

In our case my boyfriend set up a day in the week that he would video chat with me so sort of a date night thing. I think a lot of people do that. If you're having trouble getting him to video I'd say do that. If not... just talk to him about it. There's no shame in what you're feeling. Most people do feel that way at some point in their relationship.

[cybunny]

I dunno how I would react, and in 4 years of a ldr relationship I cant say I have been put off for a game or a movie unless I try and call wile he was already watching one with his friends or family! I do however think I would be a lil upset if it did happen! I would not say much to him unless it was happening more often then it should! I believe that if you can you should try and have a nice video chat everyday. Even if it is for 10 min or so before bed, I feel it is a bit selfish on his part to rather fall asleep watching a show then to fall asleep "with you" That is my lil opinion Oh and I do understand that people need "their time"as well but rely all your asking is for a few min before he sleeps!

[Mara]

He's never told me outright no, but he will say in a little while after he finishes watching this show or movie or after he finishes playing some video game he's playing. Sometimes in a little while turns into it not happening at all, but I don't know why it's never really bothered me. I think it's because we talk so much by other means and he doesn't have that much free time. Have you tried scheduling these things in advance? Like saying at this time and day we'll do this [skype, etc.]? I know when I am able to get on video chat with my SO I have to schedule it in advance and then I don't usually have the whole after I finish doing this problem.

[Zapookie]

I think scheduling skype dates might be good as you guys suggested. That way I don't get my hopes up only to be super disappointed.. but he has promised me before to talk and then was a no show (only once, though). I might see how that goes.

[aggie]

Oh, so sorry but so glad to hear I am not the only one here... My SO is just all against skype. He doesn't mind a webcam when we chat on MSN, he doesn't mind phonecalls or chats ... but skype only happened like maybe 4 times over last year (which has been rough on us, but thats not the point). I always hear something like 'oh, but im listening to music now...' or ' I am watching this show' or simply 'I just don't like skyping' whatever else is THERE to do. Funny thing, he skypes with his brother, whos in UK now... because its the only way they communicate. (so why cant we? )

I used to be majorly pissed off because of that no skype policy and I still get upset by it sometimes... But I tend to think that while I rather live the life that's in my head - trying to make him as close as possible, he'd rather focus on the life that's there and then. And I realize I am probably making excuses for him now... but just thinking that these sort of things disappear when we're together together makes it all okay. And yes, I do envy all of you who do the morning and goodnight skype talks...

As for an advice (worked very short-term for me), you can try telling him how important it is to you... And that you can watch movies together. Or just ask him to leave skype on.. without having to do the talking... We did that a fairbit with my skype subscription for landlines (when he lived back at his house), so that he would take it to his room and leave it on loudspeaker and he was able to play his music, play his games, watch the shows etc.

[Sora1101]

This happens to me all the time, although he's never straight up said no he'll be playing a game or watching tv and I'll ask and he says just to give him a minute and me being so afraid of seeming clingy or naggy I just leave it alone and it never happens, and then when I do finally get him on he'll still be playing or he'll decide to read while he's talking to me so I'll sit there for the entire hour we have in total silence, it really annoys me, because we already have to wait for his family to go to sleep because they can't know about us and so I'll spend the entire day waiting for this and then he'll get on for an hour maybe 2 if I'm lucky and we won't even talk.

[Jezah]

I was on a Skype call with HBB(hot british boy) when I read this and I said to him "I am so glad you do not do this". I am not needy by any means, but I want to know my boyfriend prefers talking to me over most anything else. If he 'told' me by putting off talking to me, that whatever he was going to do instead was more interesting to him...I would be really hurt. I have also been in relationships before though where the man said he got 'bored' of me, so maybe I am sensitive? I just know HBB doesn't do this, thank god, in fact I think sometimes he is the one who feels irked sometimes when I prioritize sleep (I am a sleep addict, 12+ hours usually) over him. He is always txting me until I wake up with "I miss you!" and "I love you!! *heartheartheart*". The day he stops is the day I will start to panic, swear it on my life. I love that he finds my company, even if just via webcam, so exciting.

If it was me, I would express how much it upset me/hurt me and go from there. Then again, I have learned in past relationships that blunt honesty and communication is the only way to make it last, so I am really honest and if he has an issue with it he needs a new girlfriend!

[sam]

pretty much because I love listening to him talk and it makes my day. He says the same.

I'm wondering if this is a guy-girl thing, because when me and Elina were LD, she would say the same. Listening/hearing my voice would make her so happy and make her day, but for me, talking on MSN was easily enough. Talking to her, or hearing her speak, wasnt that big of a deal for me like it was for her.

I won't lie, most of the times I called her, it was because I knew how much she would love it and it would make her happy in the tough LDR situation, not because I really needed to hear her, like she needed, or wanted to hear me.
That probably sounds bad on my part But that's just how it was for me

I can't compare myself to your SO because I don't know him, and we're obviously two different people, but maybe (most of) us guys just don't need that voice-to-voice interaction thing in an LDR quite as much?

*shrug*

[Tanja]

Yeah I don't recall Andy asking to hear my voice very often... He usually wanted to see me on web cam though almost every time we chatted. Maybe it is a girl thing wanting to hear the other person


I don't think not calling would bother me a lot but constantly being told no would and it would make me feel like he cares about other stuff more than me.


Tell him how hurt it makes you feel, I've said this before and I'll say it again: if it bothers you enough to make a thread about it then it's important enough to have a coversation over.

[Zapookie]

Hey guys, thanks a lot for the replies! I spoke to him today when I woke up and he picked up on the fact that I was upset about what he did and he apologised.

I mentioned in the initial post that I did speak to him about it, maybe about a month ago and he didn't do it again until now which made me write the post because I don't want him to fall back into it again. He used to do it a lot and it suuuucked so much, and I was too afraid to say anything because I didn't want to seem clingy or needy. he knows that I was feeling like I wasn't important enough and is trying to get better at not being so insensitive (I'm not trying to make excuses btw.. he has been pretty decent lately :P)

I don't know if this is weird but he is happy to just hear my voice. we don't regularly cam because his computer can't handle his cam and mic plugged in at the same time, it tends to spaz out. we try but it cuts out after about 20 mins or so.

but yeah, I will definitely bring it up and maybe try and pre-schedule these things. thanks again, and feel free to keep the posts coming if this is affecting you too!

---------- Post added at 02:50 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:50 AM ----------

Hey guys, thanks a lot for the replies! I spoke to him today when I woke up and he picked up on the fact that I was upset about what he did and he apologised.

I mentioned in the initial post that I did speak to him about it, maybe about a month ago and he didn't do it again until now which made me write the post because I don't want him to fall back into it again. He used to do it a lot and it suuuucked so much, and I was too afraid to say anything because I didn't want to seem clingy or needy. he knows that I was feeling like I wasn't important enough and is trying to get better at not being so insensitive (I'm not trying to make excuses btw.. he has been pretty decent lately :P)

I don't know if this is weird but he is happy to just hear my voice. we don't regularly cam because his computer can't handle his cam and mic plugged in at the same time, it tends to spaz out. we try but it cuts out after about 20 mins or so.

but yeah, I will definitely bring it up and maybe try and pre-schedule these things. thanks again, and feel free to keep the posts coming if this is affecting you too!

[Kerry]

I think scheduling skype dates might be good as you guys suggested. That way I don't get my hopes up only to be super disappointed.. but he has promised me before to talk and then was a no show (only once, though). I might see how that goes.

that was going to be my advice to you- scheduling skype dates. my bf and I have planned times to chat on FB or via phone only for him to not show up. I know what that feels like, hun. you just feel super let down. hopefully planning things out will work better for you.

[hillke]

I do this sometimes. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to sit in front of the computer. If we've planned to skype I don't flake, but if Beau springs it on me, sometimes I'm just not feeling it. Sometimes I'll just call him on the phone instead or sometimes I just want a little me time. After two and a half years I feel like we don't need to be on skype 24/7. If he really needs me I'm always there but sometimes I'm just not in the mood.

I'm actually more likely to turn him down if I'm upset with him because I don't feel like I should have to give up my time and sit in front of my computer just because he wants to.