My Story...maybe looking for some advice :)

[Jkrose76]

Hello to everyone, I came across this board while doing a search for advice on long distance relationships and it seems to be almost to good to be true so I joined Not sure how much advice I can give....but I sure could use some.
My name is Jennifer I'm 36 years old, and mom of 2 beautiful daughters. I live in Northeastern PA, work full time, and take care of my mom who's health isn't the greatest.
As far as relationships go, I haven't had the greatest luck....therefore the reason I am single again ...My last relationship was full of lies, games and hurt although I did end up with 2 beautiful girls out of it. Prior to this last relationship I did have a "long distance relationship" about 10 years ago. A man I met in college and fell for, things were ok when we were in college together but once we both graduated and went our seperate ways things got rough. We tried to make it work for several years after college but it always seemed to fall apart and the last 6 months there were so many lies and things that happened that just didn't make sense that I could no longer trust him and our LDR crumbled...sadly we never spoke again after things ended.
Well I met Jason a year later and we started dating. At first Jason seemed wonderful, he was kind, caring, seemed honest, and wanted a future with me. I soon found out I was pregnant and thats when things got rough. The soft spoken kind caring man quickly became angry and withdrawn from me. He drank, smoked, and spent most of his time out partying with friends, We continued to live together..trying to make things work..we had good days and bad days..I found out I was pregnant again( no it wasn't planned) and he promised me he would marry me and said he would change. Well, he didn't change..and then I found out he was cheating on me. I told him he had to make a choice..and well..he did. He chose her!
So I was left, single again, with two young kids, emotionally shot and empty. I went through the stage of never wanting to date again and being single forever..lol..then sank into a depression last winter. I found it hard to get out of bed in the morning and I had to seek councilling to help me get back on my feet.
Then in late January, (January 18th to be exact lol) I met DL ( I'll call him that to keep it anonymous). We met in a chat room online. We chatted once a week for a couple weeks, very simple and innocent. Our chats got longer, and soon we graduated from online chats to, texting and talking on the phone more and more. I felt so comfortable talking to DL and still do. He is so calm and so easy to talk to. I started to trust him more and more and I shared everything with him, my past, my insecurities, everything. He has quickly become my closest dearest friend...
Well..we decided to meet in person the weekend before easter 2011.. He lives in Upstate NY by the way so its a 3 + hour drive to see each other.
He drove down and we met for dinner at a local restauraunt..I wish I could put into words how I felt the first time I saw him in person but I still can't. I felt like I had known him forever..and I can honestly say I know what love at first sight is now! I remember running up to him and hugging him ( I think he thought I was alitle crazy at first lol ). Well our first weekend together was great. We stayed up the whole night talking, taking each other in, growing closer. When he left I was so breathless...I wanted to follow him home
we have been together 3 more times since then and each time we have gotten closer and closer together. I have to admit, I wasn't ready to fall in love with a man who lived 3 hours away...I figured we would just be friends, hang out here and there...but here I am 3 months after meeting him and I am soo in love with him. Ok, so you are probably thinking...whats the problem then Jen? Well I haven't told him that I love him.. He knows I like him alot, we have kissed a little but it hasn't gotten more serious yet even though I want it to. This last weekend we were together we kissed for the first time and I felt like I was 14 again. Amazing can't describe how I felt..He completley swept me off my feet.
So I have realized I am very insecure with relationships, mostly because of my past relationships and how they ended, and as much as I love him and want us to be more serious I am so afraid things won't work out and not only will I loose my best friend but the love of my life. I am sure many of you have felt, or experienced the same thing as I am..I want to open up my heart to him I am just so afraid of being hurt again.
A couple of my friends say I am not ready to date yet but I want to! I want to with DL. I don't want to wait for fear he will walk away. He has already been so patient with me and my issues ( and yes I know I have issues lol).
I love him so much...and I am pretty sure he loves me. I want to make our relationship work I'm just not sure how to take the next step with him...but I want to.
He will be back down next weekend and I CAN'T wait! I am thinking this will be the weekend I spill it all...tell him all my crazy insecurities and hope he understands. He wants me to come up there and spend a weekend with him in August and I want to.
Because of the situation with my mom being sick and needing my help I can't relocate right now to be closer to him so if we are going to date it has to be a long distance relationship until things change.
So I guess I am looking for a little advice from anyone here.. Have any of you experienced the fears and trama of past relationships haunting you in a new relationship? How did you get past your personal insecurtities to move forward?

Thanks again for all the advice and listening to me

PS I forgot to mention he has 3 children of his own

Respectfully,
Jennifer

[loveanewyorkwoman]

Hello,

I think all of us bring a bit of our past relationships into our present relationship, despite how much we may try not to. It's whether or not you run the past or it runs you. I don't know, perhaps that's my way of justifying it to myself. I am insecure like you due to prior relationships and I'm continually telling myself that she is a new person and the outcome will most likely not be the same.

ie. "worried about Z because person B did this". You are now "worried about Z and with person A". Just because it has happened to you in the past does not mean that it will happen now. I realize that's a pretty simplistic statement to make, but it really does help to remind yourself from time to time. I know I have to.

In my current relationship there is a situation that literally mirrors my prior relationship. Long story real short.. because of that situation the ex ended up cheating on me. Well, when my current GF and I talked about the prior ex and I and how that had happened she understood completely and said "if it bothers you that much I can stop doing it". And I said yes at first, but I either A) thought about it a bit or B) changed it right then and thought to myself and said aloud to her "if I say yes and you stop doing it, sure it will stop my fears of this happening, but I'm also letting my ex win and I refuse to let her ruin this relationship as well as the one her and I were in".

Or something close to that effect.

[Lina]

I am just 18 so of course, I haven't been through the pain and toughness of raising 2 kids on my own after being emotionally hurt but I can imagine how difficult it was.

However, if you're sure of your feelings for this man and since he seems to care for you,too (visiting you, listening to you when you need someone to do so, inviting you over, etc. Side note: kissing proves he doesn't see you just as a friend, so all the things he did aren't just 'cause he wants to be good friends with you), then tell him. Confessing your feelings can't hurt neither of you in any way. And as mentioned before, he seems interested in you,too. Maybe he just doesn't know how to tell you, probably he's sharing the same fears as you do. Knowing all you've been through, he might think that you'll reject him and so on. So simple way around this is to talk.

Good luck with everything, Jennifer!

[Moon]

Hey, I'm a Jennifer in PA, too (Southeastern though!). I'm 40, and have my own share of baggage, I'm twice divorced and have a 22 year old daughter, so of course the trauma of the past rears it's ugly head at times, but so do all the lessons I've learned along the way. I waited a few years before dating after my ex though, I needed that time to heal and grow, and then realized the perfect man had been right in front of me the whole time The thing is, he was out of a long term relationship too, and also needed recovery time. Yeah, there was a lot of fear and an extraordinary amount of caution from both of us, we both carry that trauma with us, but the nice thing about LDR's is that you spend so much time talking and getting to really know each other before it gets physical, and them you continue the communication because it's all you've got between visits.

Just talk to the guy, slowly let on about how you feel, there's no need to rush it too much. LDR's can be great in that regard. I only get to see my boyfriend 3 or 4 times a year (he lives in Finland), but we know each other so, so well and it's the healthiest, happiest, most communicative relationship I've ever had. So, not only can LDR's work, but sometimes they're exactly what you need!

[Jkrose76]

Thank you for the advice everyone. I can't tell you how nice it to have found a group like this! I completely agree with everyone's comments about not letting the past run your future. One thing I can say with DL is I am so comfortable with him that I have been able to open up completely! I have told him all about my past relationships and my issues with being insecure and all, and he's been so understanding. He says it takes time and I agree. I guess the only thing I haven't told him yet is how much my feelings for him have grown and that I truley love him,(although I think he already knows that).
I guess with DL my things is this...I've never felt like this before with anyone else. I have never felt so close to someone, so compatable with someone. He makes me feel the way I have always wanted to feel with a man and that's awesome....but also a bit scary because theres so much to lose if things don't go right.
Not sure if that helps explain how I feel but thank you for your advice!


Jennifer

[Kristin91]

Hi Jen,

I totally know where you're coming from. I'm quite a bit younger than you, and don't have any kids, but my last relationship had a lot of emotional abuse and he definitely took advantage of me. So needless to say, I was hesitant to jump into a relationship with my current SO... we were friends for quite a while until he also told me that he was really into me. He has been the best! He listened to all of my insecurities (and if one pops up out of the blue, he's right there to listen and support me), and helped me work through them. I am a much stronger person now because of him, but it took a while to get there. Go slow and follow your instincts, they'll get you where you need to be! Good luck!