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    #1

    Advice needed!!

    Hi everyone,

    So I need some advice. My SO and I are from completely different backgrounds. He was raised in a Christian household whereas I was raised non-religious.He was also homeschooled so has lived a very different life to me. We have talked about our differences and although we will still have hurdles ahead in life we have come to terms with our differences. But his parents are different. We've been together for 3 years now but he hasn't told his family about me (apart from his twin sister) and we've had multiple bicker sessions over it. I find it so hard because I love him so much but it's something I struggle with understanding. He tells me his parents wouldn't understand the LDR and the fact we met online and that he's afraid to tell them. I completely understood this in the beginning before we knew how serious our relationship was but after 3 years I just feel like I'm being kept a secret. We're planning to meet for the first time next year and we always talk about our future but I just find it hard to picture a future when his own family don't even know about me. He's also not into facetime or video chatting. He sends me pictures all the time and we physically talk on the phone all the time but I just wish he was open to at least video chatting with me. I think maybe that's linked to his family not knowing about me so he's never alone enough to video chat with me. I'm just struggling because whenever I bring it up it ends in a argument over it all. Any adive would be greatly appreciated!

    Thank you
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    #2
    Your feelings on the situation are completely valid. It is terrible to feel like you're a "secret" and that your SO isn't proud and happy to be with you.

    That said, I can't see your ages, but it sounds like you are both fairly young, I'm guessing late teens-- is that correct? If so, it is unlikely he will tell his parents as long as he is living with them, because to him, there is a lot at stake, such as his reputation, support, and happiness in his home life. There are definitely parents who would never support a long-distance relationship, and trying to have one while living with those parents can be very difficult while relying on their financial support. For this reason, I would also guess that he might back out of meeting you in person as long as he is financially dependent on them, because the prospect of getting caught in a lie by his parents may become overwhelming. I'd definitely advise you to proceed with caution, because I do not foresee the situation improving until he is capable of living on his own.
    Canadian permanent residence APPROVED!
    Closed the Distance: 09/26/2019
    Engaged: 09/26/2020

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      #3
      Originally posted by kittyo9 View Post
      Your feelings on the situation are completely valid. It is terrible to feel like you're a "secret" and that your SO isn't proud and happy to be with you.

      That said, I can't see your ages, but it sounds like you are both fairly young, I'm guessing late teens-- is that correct? If so, it is unlikely he will tell his parents as long as he is living with them, because to him, there is a lot at stake, such as his reputation, support, and happiness in his home life. There are definitely parents who would never support a long-distance relationship, and trying to have one while living with those parents can be very difficult while relying on their financial support. For this reason, I would also guess that he might back out of meeting you in person as long as he is financially dependent on them, because the prospect of getting caught in a lie by his parents may become overwhelming. I'd definitely advise you to proceed with caution, because I do not foresee the situation improving until he is capable of living on his own.
      Hi, thank you for the reply. I’m 31 and he’s 26 but he does still live at home. He would move out but he can’t for reasons I don’t feel comfortable sharing on here. I think he fears his parents won’t accept me because I’m not Christian. I’m just stuck between a rock and a hard place because I understand the fear but at the same time he’s putting his happiness on the back burner and the opinions and feelings of his family first.

      Comment

        #4
        Originally posted by Adele-Marie View Post

        Hi, thank you for the reply. I’m 31 and he’s 26 but he does still live at home. He would move out but he can’t for reasons I don’t feel comfortable sharing on here. I think he fears his parents won’t accept me because I’m not Christian. I’m just stuck between a rock and a hard place because I understand the fear but at the same time he’s putting his happiness on the back burner and the opinions and feelings of his family first.
        Fair enough! That's a tough spot to be in, especially when you've been in the relationship for that long and it feels like you should have been able to move on from that by now.

        In my opinion, the fact that you're not Christian is not a major factor here because it's easy enough to either just say you're not practicing or not talk about it at all. I understand some hesitancy about introducing someone to their family when they haven't met you in person, so maybe that's part of the hurdle here.

        If you could have it your way, what do you think your ideal relationship would look like at this point? Do you foresee his parents continuing to play as important of a role in his life as they do now?
        Canadian permanent residence APPROVED!
        Closed the Distance: 09/26/2019
        Engaged: 09/26/2020

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          #5
          It's a tough situation Adele. I understand how frustrating it must be but I would let it go that he doesn't tell his parents. Wait and see how it goes when you meet in person. Everything should change then. When I first started chatting to my SO, she was living with her mother too. She didn't want to tell her about me because of all the flack she'd get. It also made calls etc difficult as she had to hide me. A lot of the married/long term partnered older generation do not get LDRs or the idea of meeting online because it is so far removed from their experience and how they met back in the day. My mother doesn't. So I do understand the reluctance there.
          I would find the no video chat incredibly frustrating. I love seeing my SO's face when we chat and I feel so much closer to her. I would find that very hard unless there was some clear reason for it. Can you SO not go out and video call you from his mobile phone?
          My SO and I nearly broke up back when this was an issue. We're both 50 btw. She said, what can I do? I said, just do what I did last night and tell your mum about us. So she did, and he mum found it odd but was ok with it because she saw my SO was happy. Prior to that, we would do very short calls and video chats where she would go out in the car, but that was far from ideal and I don't think it would have been sustainable. You have done amazingly to last 3 years without video chat but the frequent phone calls much help a lot.
          The religion thing can be an issue for some but not necessarily so. Hopefully not and I'd hope that it is more important to his parents that his SO is a good person and good for their son, regardless of sharing the same religion.
          I hope you can hold out until you meet in person, the sooner the better :-) And hopefully he can find a way you video chat with you too.

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