Med student really needs help deciding whether to continue relationship!

[smilesgirl]

Hello everyone!

I’m in a very difficult position right now. My boyfriend of six years wants to get married. I love him and our plans for our future life together but I’m having serious doubts based on some of our interactions, especially recently. We have been long distance for the last three years. I am still in medical school and living on student loans; he is almost ten years older, a full doctor already, and makes good money. We met when I was 22 and he was 31.
I love this man but over the last few years, there have been some serious red flags.

1. He hates my entire family for not paying for my education and supporting me through school, the way his family did. He doesn’t want our future kids to ever meet my parents! He even forced me to go through my Facebook account and delete some of the posts on my “Wall” that included my parents. So sad. He doesn’t want them at the wedding either. He wouldn’t let me visit my brother when we were in NYC for a Halloween weekend trip. And he doesn’t want me to go to my brothers’ future weddings. There was a very weird episode one time when I tried to cancel our weekend trip because my mother was in the hospital with COVID and was struggling with intubation. I wanted to spend the weekend with her because she could die. He gave me an ultimatum- either see my Mom or choose to visit him and keep the relationship. It was insane. This was nearly 5.5 years in! I chose to visit my mom and he threw this huge tantrum and made me visit him the next weekend. It was rough.

2. He is very controlling- he picks all the dinner spots, where we would live, even what cars we would drive and dog we would get. And he is demanding that I change my last name to his, Dr. HisName, even though I don’t want to, or our relationship is over. I am applying to the med school Match in about a year and I would have to apply only to Boston for us to stay together and finally be in the same city again. That’s understandable but he wants me to commute an hour to work and an hour back each day because he is unwilling to move at all so we can find a more equitable distance for us both.

3. He can be financially controlling and occasionally physically aggressive. He drives recklessly occasionally when he gets angry- stopping abruptly on the highway to threaten me to change my ”attitude”, getting into loud, cursing, finger-throwing fights with other drivers on the road. These leave me completely terrified!! And he won’t stop, even though I beg. Twice when we have argued, he yells at me until I cry. Sometimes he threatens to kick me out of his house so I would have to sleep on the street and “be more grateful” for him.
He has never hit me but he gets scary angry and I have no idea what to do. In a recent argument, he sent a defamatory email about me to my boss at a summer job and literally got me fired from the position! He refused to apologize and said it was my fault for canceling our weekend plans because I was too exhausted to travel and I ghosted him for a few hours until I could work up the courage to text and let him know I wouldn’t be coming. I was in shock for weeks and still haven’t fully recovered. My parents and siblings all hate him now. My friends try to be supportive but they don’t know what to say.
Why do I want to stay? Well, he can be very sweet and kind too. He loves to cook amazing meals for us and we have so much in common. We have some incredible memories together and have built a very special, loving home together with lots of nerdy quirks. We love to cook vegetarian meals together, read novels together and then go see the movies, run outside, learn new things and take classes together. He inspired me to go into Medicine and I have always admired him. He is a very, very accomplished doctor at Harvard Med and I really look up to him. He is the smartest, and most motivated person I have ever known.

And Ive spent nearly my entire adult life with this man. It’s very hard to imagine him not being in my life, giving me career and personal guidance and support. I love him and I love our plans for our cute New England home together and our little nerdy family. It’s so difficult to consider leaving but I, honestly, don’t feel entirely safe in our home situation. I feel that I am just one fight away from being kicked out of the house or deeply humiliated. He has even threatened to blackmail me for every dollar he spent on our relationship if I decide to end it. He has sent me Venmo requests for thousands of dollars in the past just to scare me. And I think he is keeping tabs on how much money he spends on anything. To be fair, he really does spend a lot of money and time making sure we have a fun weekend together every time I visit. He has been paying for all the flights this year because I am in school. I have been visiting him once a month. Last year I did a research year and I paid for half of the flights and visited him every two weeks. Visiting so much cost me about $5,500 and really held me back from meeting new people and succeeding at my own school endeavors. It was a four hour metro and plane flight each way! He didn’t really seem to appreciate that.

All of our mutual friends love him and he gets amazing reviews at work so I don’t know what it is about me that gets him so angry sometimes. I feel like I can never stand up to him and he will sink to any level to win a fight. One time, when we got in an argument, he demanded that I drive up to Boston to see him that night or the relationship was over. It was a Tuesday and I was studying for Step 1 during my dedicated time. It was rough and I felt humiliated but I did it.


I love this man so much but I don’t entirely trust him anymore. He has even made jokes about his email- “so how’s that PI doing? You guys keep in touch anymore?” That are humiliating and degrading.
He is determined that we get married before I graduate med school and wants to merge finances indefinitely. I am not opposed to that in theory but it does make me wonder if he is aiming to control my entire future salary without giving me fair say in how the money is spent. Not sure if I am paranoid there. Again, I love this man very much and wonder if our cultural differences (his conservative Indian culture) is clashing with my modern divorced family. His mother does not work and spends all day at home cooking for his Dad. He is an only child.

TTL;dr: so what should I do?

[OhioJim]

I didn't even have to read all of it. Only as far as "physically aggressive".

I think you already know the answer. This guy is dangerous. If you get married things are only going to get worse.

He doesn't really love you. If he did he would want what's best for you, not what's best for himself.

Dump him now. Apply to what ever medical school you want.

Edit: Just saw the last line. An only child? And from a "rich" family? He has had everything he wants handed to him and sounds like a spoiled brat.

[SomeoneYouKnow]

I can't agree more with OhioJim.

Your still boyfriend doesn't seem like a good person at all. You description of him shows how much you care but also how much you are afraid of him. That is not how a relationship, let alone a marriage, is suppose to be. You marry someone that you Love fully, not someone you fear.
As far as my logic goes, I can see some very clear indicators for why he doesn't Love you as much as you do:

1. Hates your whole family: I get that you are not suppose to Love every person in Life. Heck there are tons of people I really don't like. But to go out and say that you hate the whole entire family of your future wife, that is very extreme. Not only that but to tell you that you should delete posts of you and your family on your facebook profile. Not only controlling your Social Media Life but also your deep relationship with your family. On top of that he is throwing huge tantrums for YOU visiting YOUR family. That is one big red flag right there. I wouldn't tell my significant other to stop seeing her family, even if I hated each and everyone of them. It's your family..... YOUR family, and I do understand that you Love your family. So who is he to forbid you to see your family.
2. Controlling Character and Personality: This is another big big red flag. In my opinion a relationship should work 50/50, not 100/0 or 80/20. No, you both like things and you both hate things, it is in a relationship where you share those things together and experience new things together. Your relationship seems to me like he is trying to convince you to hate the same things that he hates (e.g. your family) which is not how a relationship works. In a relationship both parties give their opinion, not just one party. I can tell you about my friend, a friend I have known for now 9 years. He thinks "In a relationship there is always one leader". Now you might agree with that, but even in his relationship where he is the "Leader" his girlfriend has a voice. If she doesn't want something that means he won't do it. He can say sorry and apologize. Being a "Leader" in a relationship doesn't mean that you are abusive, or scary. It means you set the boundaries. Boundaries which both of you hold. But your boyfriend is not a "Leader" in the relationship. To me, as hard as it sounds, he is just a mentally and verbally (thank god not physically yet) abusive guy. This, and I can't stress it enough, is a huge huge red flag. I can also tell you about my Ex Girlfriend. Her Ex (so the guy before me) was just like that. On top of that he forbid her to go to school and to work. She was with him for 3 years. And you know how it ended? She was close to taking her own Life. That is when she realized to just dump him. Don't let that happen to you. You are a wonderful person. Don't let him control you.

To me those two things are already big red flags. I would do the same thing as OhioJim told you, dump him. He doesn't deserve you. There are so many more nice people out there, you don't need someone like that in your Life.
You are an amazing human being and you deserve better. It might be hard to dump him, but after that you will feel better. Depending on how your relationship with your family is I would talk to them too. Let them know what happened, or if your relationship with your parents is bad just talk to your brother.

And another thing. Even if a person is sweet, supportive or just straight up nice, there are certain things that I think can not be allowed. And he did multiple of those (Standing between you and your family; Controlling your Life; Telling you what is right and what is wrong; Not giving you a voice; Getting you kicked out of your Job; Being way to aggressive and verbally abusive; Being mentally abusive). Not to think of all the things he will do in the future.

You deserve better! And I know that deep down you know that too!
Always know your own worth, because you are amazing!

Let us know how it goes.

[D_M]

I'm very sorry for you Smilesgirl. When we love someone we often make excuses for their behavior and it is a difficult thing to face up and accept the truth sometimes.
Everything you have highlighted is really toxic behavior and you will lose yourself if you stay with someone like that. The controlling behavior, the violent outbursts, saying he doesn't want your children to see your parents!!!??!!? He's awful. Dump him and block him.
Read back your post as if it was from someone else and what advice would you give them? Do not marry this man.
You are young and gifted and the world is your oyster. Once you finish your degree you could get work anywhere in the world and the world is such a varied and beautiful place. Travel, try new things and meet new people. You will learn a lot about who you are and what you really want in life. Leave this man. You will reflect back and be so thankful of the bullet you dodged.
It is a really common thing in abusive, controlling partners, that they portray this really great guy image to the rest of the world, everyone loves them and thinks they're a top bloke, but inside their own homes they are toxic and destructive and evil. So don't let his reviews or your friends' opinions beguile you.
To me, love is the most important thing in the world but this man's behavior, that is not love. There are lots of good people in the world who will make you laugh and feel special, who will love respect and value you for who you are inside and out, who won't want to change or control you. And you'll be the same for them. You can have a beautiful and happy life, but you won't with this doctor.
Be brave. Be strong. Be true to yourself.
Good luck and dump that chump today. It's over.

[Bestisyettocome]

You deserve so much better than this. Your future children deserve so much better than this. The replies and advice above have covered everything I was thinking when reading your post. Take care of yourself and stay strong. Breakups are heartbreaking but staying in an unhappy relationship are far worse.

[smilesgirl]

I can't agree more with OhioJim.

Your still boyfriend doesn't seem like a good person at all. You description of him shows how much you care but also how much you are afraid of him. That is not how a relationship, let alone a marriage, is suppose to be. You marry someone that you Love fully, not someone you fear.

You deserve better! And I know that deep down you know that too!
Always know your own worth, because you are amazing!

Let us know how it goes.

Dear Someone You Know,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me this thoughtful response. I keep rereading it for strength. Deep down, I know you are right. It is just so hard to reconcile these events with the 90% of the time when he is just texting me about his day and sending me corgi memes. How I wish I was not in this spot!
Thank you again,
Smiles Girl

[smilesgirl]

I'm very sorry for you Smilesgirl. When we love someone we often make excuses for their behavior and it is a difficult thing to face up and accept the truth sometimes.
Everything you have highlighted is really toxic behavior and you will lose yourself if you stay with someone like that. The controlling behavior, the violent outbursts, saying he doesn't want your children to see your parents!!!??!!? He's awful. Dump him and block him.
Read back your post as if it was from someone else and what advice would you give them? Do not marry this man.
You are young and gifted and the world is your oyster. Once you finish your degree you could get work anywhere in the world and the world is such a varied and beautiful place. Travel, try new things and meet new people. You will learn a lot about who you are and what you really want in life. Leave this man. You will reflect back and be so thankful of the bullet you dodged.
It is a really common thing in abusive, controlling partners, that they portray this really great guy image to the rest of the world, everyone loves them and thinks they're a top bloke, but inside their own homes they are toxic and destructive and evil. So don't let his reviews or your friends' opinions beguile you.
To me, love is the most important thing in the world but this man's behavior, that is not love. There are lots of good people in the world who will make you laugh and feel special, who will love respect and value you for who you are inside and out, who won't want to change or control you. And you'll be the same for them. You can have a beautiful and happy life, but you won't with this doctor.
Be brave. Be strong. Be true to yourself.
Good luck and dump that chump today. It's over.

Dear D_M,

Thank you for your advice. This is all so true. Heartbreaking but true.

thanks,
Smiles Girl

[OhioJim]

Smiles,

I don't know all the legalities of your situation, but you might consider looking into getting a restraining order against him.

Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Keep the idea in your back pocket in case you need it.

[SomeoneYouKnow]

Dear Someone You Know,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me this thoughtful response. I keep rereading it for strength. Deep down, I know you are right. It is just so hard to reconcile these events with the 90% of the time when he is just texting me about his day and sending me corgi memes. How I wish I was not in this spot!
Thank you again,
Smiles Girl

Don't mention it. You deserve better. Trust me!
And you can do it. As hard as it may be right now, I am going through a break up right now too.
It is hard, especially since I Loved my Girlfriend above everything else and we wanted to be together too, but she broke up with me, without a reason.
It is so unbelievably hard, but if I can do it, so can you!

Never stop believing in yourself, you can do it!

[xxcazaxx]

I can only echo everything that everyone else has said. This is not a safe relationship to be in. If i'm honest, the sooner that you are out the better. I was in a closed distance relationship from age 17 to 27. We lived together and all of my memories were with him. The situation isn't the same as he isn't a bad person, but I know what it is like to feel like you are starting again. Trust me, you will find someone who truly loves you and who wont leave you feeling scared. Yes its going to be hard but also yes its going to be 100% worth it.

Also remember the quote: 'Change is scary. But know what is even scarier? Regret.

Please keep us updated.

[smilesgirl]

Smiles,

I don't know all the legalities of your situation, but you might consider looking into getting a restraining order against him.

Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Keep the idea in your back pocket in case you need it.

Thank you Ohio Jim! That is good advice. I will definitely look into it.

[smilesgirl]

Don't mention it. You deserve better. Trust me!
And you can do it. As hard as it may be right now, I am going through a break up right now too.
It is hard, especially since I Loved my Girlfriend above everything else and we wanted to be together too, but she broke up with me, without a reason.
It is so unbelievably hard, but if I can do it, so can you!

Never stop believing in yourself, you can do it!

Oh Someone You Know,

I’m so sorry you are going through a heard breakup right now as well. I really appreciate your support. And I’m sending love right back. ❤️❤️

[smilesgirl]

I can only echo everything that everyone else has said. This is not a safe relationship to be in. If i'm honest, the sooner that you are out the better. I was in a closed distance relationship from age 17 to 27. We lived together and all of my memories were with him. The situation isn't the same as he isn't a bad person, but I know what it is like to feel like you are starting again. Trust me, you will find someone who truly loves you and who wont leave you feeling scared. Yes its going to be hard but also yes its going to be 100% worth it.

Also remember the quote: 'Change is scary. But know what is even scarier? Regret.

Please keep us updated.

Thanks Caza. Your words really ring true to me. Thank you for sharing them with me ❤️

[smilesgirl]

UPDATE: Unfortunately, it has gotten even worse. I am working to leave.

I went to visit him for thanksgiving and it went very badly. I changed my flight to leave from the city of my school to instead leave from my Moms city and return there so I could drive down and visit her for a day before thanksgiving. He had paid for the flight and I called to change it. It was the same price so no difference there. I changed the flight notifications to my email and instructed them not to send any other confirmation to anyone else! And they assured me they had changed it. But it appears the flight attendant did not change the notification phone number for me.

I drove down to my mothers and then left thanksgiving day to visit him in Boston. He called when I landed and asked if I had arrived, all happy and excited! I said yes and can’t wait to catch up. He pulled up and I got in the car. He was nice and smiling and asked if my flight was good, I said yes. But then as soon as we pulled away from the airport, he went berserk. He started yelling at me that he got a text stating that my flight had left from my mothers city not my schools city. And he yelled that I was a dumb, lying piece of sh*t, thinking I could fool him. He said I shouldn’t be using his money to visit my parents, who he hates. I explained that I didn’t use his money at all! I drove there and then only used his money to visit him! He would not accept that and just went nuts. I was so, so scared. I definitely should not have tried to hide this from him. It was dishonest and inconsiderate of me, also stupid given the situation. But I think his reaction was way out of control.

He yelled at me that I need to reimburse him the $460 for the flight. As soon as we got to his house, he grabbed my phone and attempted to Venmo himself from my Venmo app, the $460. I am a student and do not have that amount in my checking account so it declined. He tried my other debit card and it too was declined. He then went crazy trying any number amount from $300 down to $100. He then grabbed my wallet from my bag, and added my credit card. I had just requested a new credit card so I told him the old card wouldn’t work. He didn’t believe me so he tried that one too, which also didn’t work. I was starting to cry and begging him to calm down. He was livid.

He then demanded I treat him to brunch to make it up to him. I told him, I couldnt afford much because I don’t have a lot left in my checking account. I’m a student and I keep most of my loan money in a savings account, with occasional transfers. He took me to a place for brunch, and seemed to be calmer so I was hoping the situation would improve. But it definitely did not! He ordered two drinks, an appetizer, two entrees, and dessert off the menu. And then decided for me to leave a huge $20 tip. He then told me to pay. I tried to but both my debit cards got declined, because the banks had placed a hold on them due to his recent, crazy erratic Venmo attempts to send huge amounts of money in a city in which I don’t usually live. So I couldn’t pay! He said I better call the banks and figure this out. Then he left! It was Thanksgiving morning and he left me there to go get a coffee at Starbucks! I started to cry and I was full on bawling for a half hour, stuck there with the check that I couldn’t pay.

I called the customer service numbers for both but they were closed as it was Thanksgiving! I just sat there and cried. It was so, so terrible. People were staring and it was just horrible. He eventually came back and I told him again that I couldn’t pay. He said lots of mean things about how pathetic I am. Then he took my phone and called both my parents to try to force them to give me money to pay the bill. Luckily neither picked up as they were cooking or traveling for dinner plans. He then yelled at me that my family sucks and that he is all I have. He deleted both parents contact information from my phone and yelled at me that my entire family is sh*t. He then finally paid the bill with his card and demanded that I pay him the $110 in exactly a week after I transfer money. We sat there for another 15 minutes because I couldn’t stop crying. He kept saying “relax, smiles girl. Relax.” But I just could not stop crying. I was so psychologically traumatized. Even just remembering it now makes me cry. He also said multiple times: “I’m sorry that your parents are making you cry.”

We then left the restaurant and literally three women stepped in front of me to ask me if I was okay. I think they had been watching me cry for the last hour. It was so humiliating and heartbreaking. This very kind middle aged lady grabbed my arm and asked me to please join her and her husband for lunch, saying they would love to have me. When I said I had to leave, she told me “any many who makes you cry isn’t worth two cents!!” And she is so right. I nodded and followed him, as all my belongings are at his place and I am also terrified that he will blackmail me as he has already threatened many times.

We walked around a bit after that and he told me that I am a crappy person and a bad liar and he sees right through my crap. I was too scared to say anything. He decided that he wants me to sign a prenup stating that I will only talk to my parents once a month on the phone or he will “divorce me and leave me with nothing”. And that he will be “installing cameras all over the house to make sure my family never sets foot in it”. It was absolutely batsh*t crazy. At this point, I realized there was absolutely no saving this disaster and I just nodded until I could get out of the situation.

He then demanded that I pay him back for previous purchased flights for weekends I had canceled on him, about $400-500. I said fine, that’s fair. I had canceled on these plans when we were fighting and I didn’t feel comfortable visiting. I guess that’s why he now waits until I’m in his car to start a fight. Not over the phone before I got on the plane anymore. He also wants me to pay for the flights this upcoming January and February to make amends. He then reminded me that if we break up, he wants me to pay him $3000 for other previous flight purchases or he will send emails to my school, about my “lying ways and character unworthy of being a physician “. He said that if I don’t pay him back what he is due, then I am a “huge liability to future patients and don’t deserve to be a doctor and he will make sure everyone knows that”. It was so, so scary. I decided I would try to stick out the remaining time, then get the heck out and try to find a lawyer to help defend me against his wrath.

We went back to his house and his attitude completely changed. He started getting out ingredients for us to make our thanksgiving dinner and things improved. He said at dinner that he was “thankful for having wonderful parents who taught him to be such a good person”. The next day, he had planned a lot of fun activities for us, a winter lights show, movie, etc. And the next day we went to see a concert, got brunch somewhere else, and he bought me a Settlers of Catan board game as a present, something that I had wanted for a long time. It was nice and clearly very thoughtful. It was almost like old times, almost. But I couldn’t appreciate anything because I was still too scared. Every smile was fake and I watched him nonstop, knowing he could snap at any time.

He then told me that he had changed my return flights destination to my school city. Essentially, leaving my car in my moms city! So I would now have no car which I need to drive to school and clinic each day! I’m a medical student and I really need my car!! I was stunned. But there was no arguing with him so I just booked another flight wit a travel credit back to my moms city to get my car. And I still have to pay him back for the previous flight that I’m not even using the return trip on! It’s absurd. He makes at least $15,000 each month, about $300,000 per year but for some reason he is trying to wheedle so much money from a med student living on $18,000 a YEAR in student loan money!! ☹️

He spent the rest of the last day telling me how excited he is for our Christmas break plans together. I don’t understand him at all. He must be f*cking nuts to think I will ever go back to his place!!! It was like being in an alternate reality of complete delusion. I am just so thankful I made it out safely and will be back with my mom soon. I don’t know how I got myself into such a terrible situation but I am definitely fighting to get out. I’m going to call up lawyers tomorrow and get advice on leaving in a safe way. It breaks my heart that he planned so many sweet and thoughtful things for our weekend together but then just exploded and ruined every inch of our relationship. It’s so sad. But I am now 100% out. Maybe this was the push I needed to move. I think I will probably have to pay him at least $1000 to get away cleanly but who knows, maybe even more. My priority is to stop him from sending more vindictive emails to my work or my medical school or the licensing board. I’m just so, so scared. It’s terrifying to have such a powerful and ruthless man after you. I really hope I can find a helpful lawyer.

If you made it all the way through this, I’m sorry to take up so much of your time. Please keep me in your prayers.

[OhioJim]

I would not pay him a penny until you see a lawyer.

Maybe the lawyer can get a restraining order?

Also, if possible, talk to the Dean at your school. Tell him that you are trying to get out of an abusive relationship, and that the guy may try to send false information to tarnish your reputation. And I am sure that those at the school already know what kind of person you are.

Can you lock your phone so that only you can use it, with a fingerprint or facial recognition?

Good luck and I will be praying.