Need to know what to do...

[Evil-Monkey]

Hey everyone

I'm kinda coming here cause in the past I did once and it really helped...and it seems I'm in need of some advice for a LDR again...

I'm at a bad position with my LDR that I don't actually know anymore what is best...
My GF never took the distance well and it seriously drove her mad...lately things kinda got cold but we've been trying to heat things up again...though now I've run into something which I've been scared of from the start...

What's basically come up is that the last month, cause we've both had exams (university ones) we've not really seen each other...during that period at first it was terrible but then she kinda used it to rebuild herself and stop her from getting totally depressed and thinking of some pretty bad things...

Now that we're free we were discussing the time to see each other again...but she is torn quite...perfectly in half, on one side she does want to see me...but on the other she is totally petrified that after we meet she will sink back into the depression that she had before...and she does not want to be in that state...nor do I ever want to see her in that state again, because it got to a point where it really badly affected her life, gave her some pretty damn scary thoughts of self harming and she couldn't seem to function if I wasn't around to talk...be it phone, skype, internet etc etc...and I'm sure no one ever wants to see their lover get to such a state :s

However now I am torn with self doubt about whether this is actually a good thing to see her again...or if I've now run out of luck and the entire LDR is better left to die out.

As far as her feelings for me are concerned...its still there so going there would just put things back together, its now knowing whether its right or wrong that I don't know...I was going to surprise her by turning up when I know she was free so that we could spend some much missed and valuable time together.

I do *want* to see her...so if people say...yes its a good idea to go there, is there anything anyone would recommend to say/do to put the fear out of her heart?

Thanks to anyone that can advise me for this :S

[Malaga]

What's her history with depression and anxiety disorders? If she's thinking of self-harm as a reaction to being separated from you, that's a pretty strong indication she has some underlying fears that trigger such an extreme reaction.

I say do go to see her if that's what you both want, at least partly as you say. But before you do, try to get to the root of why she reacts so strongly to your leaving.

I understand that if you were seeing each other 2-3 times a month, going a month without seeing each other would be depressing. My boyfriend and I meet every 2 months - once it was 3 months and I really felt the difference. Also, I found out saying goodbye does get harder with time as you get closer.

But I think her anxiety is aggravated by issues other than just missing you. She will have to become aware of them before she can handle it. Maybe you can talk to her and see what is she so afraid of? Maybe she's worried you won't come back. Anxiety is often a fear of abandonment. Ideally she would be talking with a therapist about it.

Also, what's her daily schedule like, how busy is she? If she doesn't go to school or work and is just at home waiting for your call, she's going to get a lot more anxious than if she were preoccupied with something. I get 100% needier than usual when I have nothing to do.
Maybe you could encourage her to fill her day with different activities. Try to get her to leave the house more often, hang out with friends, take up interesting classes, find a job if she doesn't have one.

Good luck x

[cybunny]

I would say go to her, and wile you are there look into therapy for her or get her to see a doctor about her depression issues! I find that keeping busy is the best remedy for a lonely heart! *hugs*

[Evil-Monkey]

Well currently she's working every afternoon for this month and in August will be working practically all the time...so keeping busy is pretty much in place...

My heart really screams...don't be a fool and go or you'll loose big time...
But on the opposite my head is saying stop being a selfish git and think what's good for her :x
So that's kinda my little internal debate...she's told me directly that afraid of going back to being that badly depressed :s

As far as her depression goes...in the past it was that me leaving would be the breaking point...that's something we tried to work on, but there was almost no ideas that popped up :s