Hello,
My name is Matt and id really appreciate general advice on LDR from people who are experienced with long distance.
The back story
Our situation is quite unique. We've only actually known each other for about 2 months and started seeing each other about 1 month ago. From the moment we met in person there was an immediate soul connection. It is as if our souls have known each other forever. There was so much trust, vulnerability and openness from both of us because it felt so natural and so right from the beginning.
Initially we were just going with what felt right, saying that nothing could happen because shes leaving to the Netherlands (just being logical, right?). We were immersed in what we were experiencing and decided not to deprive ourselves of the opportunity to revel in the moment and really appreciate the connection that we had just because she was leaving. So essentially we agreed nothing can happen long term between us and with that in mind we just lived in the moment.
After spending a decent amount of time with each other our connection continued to exponentially develop. We spent 5 nights away together and we fell in love. Real, true love. A spectrum of emotions i didnt know existed as a human. Its like asking someone to picture a new colour, you cant know it until youve experienced it, same thing with true love. We told each other that we loved one another. We had an amazing time together and shared so much about ourselves.
On the drive back we got into the conversation again about her leaving which be both acknowledged a few times we would need to and on the drive back was the perfect opportunity. We spoke about really challenging topics and were very open about any concerns. I had already decided in my own capacity before the conversation that i wanted to commit to her and making it work long distance and i knew what i wanted to say. I shared my vision with her as to how i genuniely believe we can make it work. Not just a "we love each other so it will work" but rather a very realistic view and path as to how we could conquer the distance and get to be together. I was very pragmatic in my approach and didnt shy away from anything difficult that had to be spoken about.
I told her that i want this relationship to stay. That im not going to let go because shes leaving if she feels the same. Shes very good at saying what she really means, but sometimes she has to take the time to process things so that she can give a genuine response, not an emotionally based one (whether positive or negative). Later that evening she said that she is committing me and is letting me in her life permanently. It was super emotional but so so beautiful.
So at this point we are in a committed relationship and we are going full steam ahead with the long distance.
Reasons why i believe we will make it work
Over the past few years we have both been on journeys of self discovery, learning about ourselves, learning about what we want from life, learning how to love ourselves and not get that from somebody else and we are both at a really good, healthy point in our individual capacities. The fact that we are both such strong individuals and we both know exactly what we want from life gives me so much security making this committment. We wouldnt be making the long distance committment if we both didnt know for certain that its what we want. Shes 28 and very secure. Her committing to me gives me so much confidence because i know she wouldnt commit if she didnt fully believe it will work.
Our communication is so freaking amazing. Theres no topic too challenging, out of bounds or too challenging for us to work through. We have an incredible compatibility which makes communicating really easy for both of us. We are both very safe to be ourselves in each others company, with nothing held back or burried because we're scared of what one another might think about it. Its another one of the core reasons that i believe this will work. Anything that comes up we are able to openly communicate with each other and work through so its really behind us and not something that festers. We absolutely know there will be bad days or shit weeks, we arent shying away from acknowledging those things. We can both be very open about our feelings though and not feel like were gonna be bringing up negativity or depressing the other person.
Ive just started the process of getting my Irish citizenship through my dad who has a foreign birth registration so one day i will be able to move to europe too which is something i was considering before she came into my life. For my career it would help me so much being located on that side of the world. Now with her there too, theres even more reason for me to make the move. The process will take at least 2 years so thats about the timeline until i could concievably move there.
Im earning a stable salary with a contract for the next 2 years so i will have reliable income to be able to afford travelling and visiting. I plan on traveling there 3 times a year and shes planning on coming to south africa once a year, so we would see each other quarterly. Because im a freelancer that works online i can carry on doing all of my work regardless of my physical location. Which means essentially i can go there for 3 weeks at a time without being impeded by work. This is another big reason i believe this will work, because its not like im limited with how much leave i can take a year.
I have full trust in her with no insecurities that she will be unfaithful, absolutely none at all. Shes so pure and has so much integirty that i know she would never let into any urges. I want the best for her that side, to make friends and to have fun. Im not going to hold her back in any capacity. I know that letting her fly free makes her love me more. I know that no matter who shes with she will always come 'home'.
We are both gamers which gives us a really cool common ground to get to do things as a couple. Gaming is almost always remote so it wouldnt feel abnormal. It will be fun and a hobby for us to share. I think it adds a whole new dimension to our LDR and will be one of the key enablers for us to keep having fun together even though we cant be in person together.
Last thoughts
I know that it sounds absolutely ridiculous that we are committing to a LDR after only being together for a month. Why not let each other go and rather wait until or find someone thats gonna be where we are? The answer is easy. We both know whats out there, weve both experienced many other humans in different capacities in our lives and so we both know that what we are sharing is worth way too much to let go just because shes leaving.
I know how important it is to make effort. Regardless of the distance i wont let that stop me from making all the effort to support her and continue to facilitate our emotional connection. From small things to big things, ill always keep making the effort.
One thing that I believe works in our favour is that we knew from the very start that she would be going overseas. From the moment our souls connected we had this information. Its allowed us to move forward knowing full well what was immanent. It didnt come out of the blue or a few months after we got together. Its not a shock or a surprise. Its been a prerequisite that we incorporate into our relationship from the very beginning. It does however also work against us. Even though weve made the most insane strides and weve built a very robust foundation in the short time weve been together, theres still so many things we are yet to learn about each other. Not character defining traits, we already know exactly who each other is, but small things that are also important for a relationship.
I suppose distance wont come between us learning about those small things as we get to know some of the finer details about each other. Having alreadly learnt so much about who we are together, what we mean to each other, our personalities and characteristics and our souls i feel like weve broken all of the vital ground in terms of getting to know everything about each other that really matters.
If you took the time to read through everything and you picked up on anything you want to comment on or any questions you might have had while reading it please go ahead and ask them. Im very open to any questions or challenges. Someone might point out something i hadnt considered or might reaffirm something i said.
Thank you in advance for any help and support. Im feeling a bit anxious about things but im in full control and im ready.
Questions:
- how long was it until long distance felt somewhat normalised?
- did it get easier once you got used to it?
- how does seeing each other every 3 months sound? For on average 3 weeks a time. It means we will get to spend 3 months in a year together spread throughout the year.
- what would you say are some of the challenges we can expect?
My name is Matt and id really appreciate general advice on LDR from people who are experienced with long distance.
The back story
Our situation is quite unique. We've only actually known each other for about 2 months and started seeing each other about 1 month ago. From the moment we met in person there was an immediate soul connection. It is as if our souls have known each other forever. There was so much trust, vulnerability and openness from both of us because it felt so natural and so right from the beginning.
Initially we were just going with what felt right, saying that nothing could happen because shes leaving to the Netherlands (just being logical, right?). We were immersed in what we were experiencing and decided not to deprive ourselves of the opportunity to revel in the moment and really appreciate the connection that we had just because she was leaving. So essentially we agreed nothing can happen long term between us and with that in mind we just lived in the moment.
After spending a decent amount of time with each other our connection continued to exponentially develop. We spent 5 nights away together and we fell in love. Real, true love. A spectrum of emotions i didnt know existed as a human. Its like asking someone to picture a new colour, you cant know it until youve experienced it, same thing with true love. We told each other that we loved one another. We had an amazing time together and shared so much about ourselves.
On the drive back we got into the conversation again about her leaving which be both acknowledged a few times we would need to and on the drive back was the perfect opportunity. We spoke about really challenging topics and were very open about any concerns. I had already decided in my own capacity before the conversation that i wanted to commit to her and making it work long distance and i knew what i wanted to say. I shared my vision with her as to how i genuniely believe we can make it work. Not just a "we love each other so it will work" but rather a very realistic view and path as to how we could conquer the distance and get to be together. I was very pragmatic in my approach and didnt shy away from anything difficult that had to be spoken about.
I told her that i want this relationship to stay. That im not going to let go because shes leaving if she feels the same. Shes very good at saying what she really means, but sometimes she has to take the time to process things so that she can give a genuine response, not an emotionally based one (whether positive or negative). Later that evening she said that she is committing me and is letting me in her life permanently. It was super emotional but so so beautiful.
So at this point we are in a committed relationship and we are going full steam ahead with the long distance.
Reasons why i believe we will make it work
Over the past few years we have both been on journeys of self discovery, learning about ourselves, learning about what we want from life, learning how to love ourselves and not get that from somebody else and we are both at a really good, healthy point in our individual capacities. The fact that we are both such strong individuals and we both know exactly what we want from life gives me so much security making this committment. We wouldnt be making the long distance committment if we both didnt know for certain that its what we want. Shes 28 and very secure. Her committing to me gives me so much confidence because i know she wouldnt commit if she didnt fully believe it will work.
Our communication is so freaking amazing. Theres no topic too challenging, out of bounds or too challenging for us to work through. We have an incredible compatibility which makes communicating really easy for both of us. We are both very safe to be ourselves in each others company, with nothing held back or burried because we're scared of what one another might think about it. Its another one of the core reasons that i believe this will work. Anything that comes up we are able to openly communicate with each other and work through so its really behind us and not something that festers. We absolutely know there will be bad days or shit weeks, we arent shying away from acknowledging those things. We can both be very open about our feelings though and not feel like were gonna be bringing up negativity or depressing the other person.
Ive just started the process of getting my Irish citizenship through my dad who has a foreign birth registration so one day i will be able to move to europe too which is something i was considering before she came into my life. For my career it would help me so much being located on that side of the world. Now with her there too, theres even more reason for me to make the move. The process will take at least 2 years so thats about the timeline until i could concievably move there.
Im earning a stable salary with a contract for the next 2 years so i will have reliable income to be able to afford travelling and visiting. I plan on traveling there 3 times a year and shes planning on coming to south africa once a year, so we would see each other quarterly. Because im a freelancer that works online i can carry on doing all of my work regardless of my physical location. Which means essentially i can go there for 3 weeks at a time without being impeded by work. This is another big reason i believe this will work, because its not like im limited with how much leave i can take a year.
I have full trust in her with no insecurities that she will be unfaithful, absolutely none at all. Shes so pure and has so much integirty that i know she would never let into any urges. I want the best for her that side, to make friends and to have fun. Im not going to hold her back in any capacity. I know that letting her fly free makes her love me more. I know that no matter who shes with she will always come 'home'.
We are both gamers which gives us a really cool common ground to get to do things as a couple. Gaming is almost always remote so it wouldnt feel abnormal. It will be fun and a hobby for us to share. I think it adds a whole new dimension to our LDR and will be one of the key enablers for us to keep having fun together even though we cant be in person together.
Last thoughts
I know that it sounds absolutely ridiculous that we are committing to a LDR after only being together for a month. Why not let each other go and rather wait until or find someone thats gonna be where we are? The answer is easy. We both know whats out there, weve both experienced many other humans in different capacities in our lives and so we both know that what we are sharing is worth way too much to let go just because shes leaving.
I know how important it is to make effort. Regardless of the distance i wont let that stop me from making all the effort to support her and continue to facilitate our emotional connection. From small things to big things, ill always keep making the effort.
One thing that I believe works in our favour is that we knew from the very start that she would be going overseas. From the moment our souls connected we had this information. Its allowed us to move forward knowing full well what was immanent. It didnt come out of the blue or a few months after we got together. Its not a shock or a surprise. Its been a prerequisite that we incorporate into our relationship from the very beginning. It does however also work against us. Even though weve made the most insane strides and weve built a very robust foundation in the short time weve been together, theres still so many things we are yet to learn about each other. Not character defining traits, we already know exactly who each other is, but small things that are also important for a relationship.
I suppose distance wont come between us learning about those small things as we get to know some of the finer details about each other. Having alreadly learnt so much about who we are together, what we mean to each other, our personalities and characteristics and our souls i feel like weve broken all of the vital ground in terms of getting to know everything about each other that really matters.
If you took the time to read through everything and you picked up on anything you want to comment on or any questions you might have had while reading it please go ahead and ask them. Im very open to any questions or challenges. Someone might point out something i hadnt considered or might reaffirm something i said.
Thank you in advance for any help and support. Im feeling a bit anxious about things but im in full control and im ready.
Questions:
- how long was it until long distance felt somewhat normalised?
- did it get easier once you got used to it?
- how does seeing each other every 3 months sound? For on average 3 weeks a time. It means we will get to spend 3 months in a year together spread throughout the year.
- what would you say are some of the challenges we can expect?
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