I know you aren't me but I'd like some advice. Just found out ldr bf of 4 yrs has been off and on texting/sexting other women throughout our relationship. Confessed all, just words no meetings no sex, he admitted it wasn't right and that it would hurt him if it was me yet said he'd understand. Reason was loneliness. We all feel this right? Background I'm from an abusive relationship with a narcissist and I struggle with trust and self esteem and this is both of ours first ldr despite both being ovet 30. He has a lot of childhood trauma and is ADHD and debilitating chronic depression. Lots of unknowns and my past baggage made me difficult as in I accused him all the time of cheating and I didn't believe he loved me and never felt good enough for him nor understoodwhy he'd pick me with so much better local choices out there. When we cracked this open he finally admitted that my fears caused many fights and he felt disconnected and lonely so he'd seek comfort by trying to do what he called feel normal. He felt powerless in a relationship that was real but not really there with a woman he wanted but couldn't have. We were planning on closing the distance next month and he assures me that this behavior is over and that once there this behaviour will never occur as it was the distance. He has never cheated on others in the past and is pretty much a serial monogamist not a player. His operation has always been either in a relationship or seeking a relationship with one partner. I know this because I suggested an open relationship because he admitted to struggling with the need for connection a few years ago but he shot it down saying if he connected with another woman locally why wouldn't he just leave me and be with her? Seems he connected with a lot of women yet claims it never went further than flirty chats, how could it not and how could he not have over 4 years not found someone better? We had an agreement that we would discuss things in advance of either of us wanting to have sex and I threw this back at him and he said sex was never the intention of the texts etc i reminded him though that when we defined cheating thos was on the list and he admitted it was wrong. I keep wanting to believe him but I fear that it's us not the distance that's the real problem it's that I'm missing something that he has been trying to find with other women. I suprisingly based upon my past and self esteem issues do not believe I'm not enough just that perhaps I'm not for him. Also, as I discovered this by finding the sexts, i found out, by not freaking out but just telling him I know and not freaking out as he expected I learned that he was too fearful to tell me thinking I was too damaged to handle it because of my past and that I would take it to mean more than it was to him. I feel sorry for the other women and told him so he was very ashamed at that. He told me he felt great shame and I've never seen a man cry as much as he did that day. This outright assumption that he needs to protect me has me fearful he will hide stuff in the future and I've expressed this to him. But his words are just words at the moment. I need time and actions to match he is aware of this too. I pushed him hard to just end this, put me out of my misery but he will not and after a lot of thought I'd like to try to make this work but I'm no longer sure if closing the distance is best but I do not want to dismiss the chance to see if we will work out and this was in fact all a symptom of the distance, I also wonder if we have some sort of trauma bond from ldr and if I'm just dismissing his behavior because I'm used to being a narcissists plaything and maybe just falling for another one's manipulation. I do believe he wishes he never did it, I'm not sure I believe he fully stopped, based upon my reactions I'm not sure he's wanted to risk telling me everything for fear of losing me for good which I've more or less said is still a possibility I do love him and I do believe he loves me, he did say I could look at his correspondence moving forward but I really don't want to be his keeper if that makes sense.
I don't know how texting another person dispels loneliness when talking to me the woman he claims to love makes him feel lonely. Has anyone had this problem or similar and once together it all worked out? Stories please and some insight from others who would be willing to admit this type of behavior please. I've asked him to explain like a dozen times and it hurts us both to talk about it yet I still feel like I'm missing something and I'm afraid he's manipulating me because of my past. Finally, am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I tend to overthink myself into a panic and my past has made me act half in and half out. I need some impartial eyes on this. Thank you all for your thoughts.
I don't know how texting another person dispels loneliness when talking to me the woman he claims to love makes him feel lonely. Has anyone had this problem or similar and once together it all worked out? Stories please and some insight from others who would be willing to admit this type of behavior please. I've asked him to explain like a dozen times and it hurts us both to talk about it yet I still feel like I'm missing something and I'm afraid he's manipulating me because of my past. Finally, am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I tend to overthink myself into a panic and my past has made me act half in and half out. I need some impartial eyes on this. Thank you all for your thoughts.
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