Big argument-Closing the distance and location :(

[Rosebud]

I will try to keep this as short as possible. Last night the boyfriend and I got into a rather hurtful argument about the topic of where we close the distance. While we have always sort of agreed on the fact that he would move from his state to over where I live, it never occurred to me that he would not want to live in the exact same town/area that I grew up in.

While he first offered me little excuses about not liking the way the houses were built, it blew up into not liking the weather patterns to the fact that where I live is a farming community and that it'd be difficult to find career opportunities. I'll admit this really upsets me because while I do acknowledge farming is big here, it's not as though everyone and their grandmother owns a cattle ranch or corn field. The county is huge and offers a lot more opportunities than just farming, since after all it's not as though I ever had any intention of being a farmer either.

Now, I do admit there may be better opportunities up north, but my biggest concern is that I want to stay around my family. A few weeks ago my aunt passed away and she's buried in the cemetery in the town of where my family lives and I would like to live close enough (at most a couple hours) that I would be able to visit it whenever I need to. I feel that by wanting to move 8-10 hours away my boyfriend wants to cut me off from my family and the very thought of that makes my heart hurt because I don't think it's fair to have to choose between him and my family. He however thinks I'm holding myself back by staying in the area and I won't experience anything new, and that I can still be with them but that I don't need to live in the same general area.

I hope that's not as long as it looks. While we managed to smooth the wrinkles of our argument last night we didn't come to a strong resolution. He says he'll move here, live here a few years and see how that feels but if there's strong opportunities up north then I should be open to the idea. I feel that since he's already got it into his head that he doesn't want to live here that it'll be a wasted effort and he'll try to convince me to move anyway.

Any advice please? I used to imagine us living together as something to look forward to and imagine to cheer myself up as I quite like the town I moved to for college and had thought I could see myself actually someday finding a home here with him. Now I don't know what to think.

[Caitlin2009]

well honestly i think you really should move away from your family a bit, its not like he's telling you to move to a different state you'll just be farther away from them but you can still visit you cant always have your family be the only reason not to move anywhere else, im sure they wouldnt want you to stay where you are because of them thats not fair on you. I think you two need to come to some sort of halfway meeting point with this one because its something that is very important to the both of you

[prideandpromise]

Does he have family? If so, he'd be moving to a whole different state and leaving them behind, the smallest compromise on your part would be to live a few more hours away from yours. If he doesn't, then I can see how it's difficult, but compromises have to be made, and if he is to move to your state, instead of you to his, then allowing him to choose where in the state you two live is nice. Can't always have everything one way, or it creates resentment.

[Rosebud]

Does he have family? If so, he'd be moving to a whole different state and leaving them behind, the smallest compromise on your part would be to live a few more hours away from yours. If he doesn't, then I can see how it's difficult, but compromises have to be made, and if he is to move to your state, instead of you to his, then allowing him to choose where in the state you two live is nice. Can't always have everything one way, or it creates resentment.

Yes, he does have a family. However, he has always wanted to move from his state as he feels there's nothing for him there. I have not forced him into wanting to come to California and I think he would prefer a little distance from his family. I don't see the point in taking me away from my family so that NEITHER of us have a close by support system. I just don't see how that makes any sense. If he's moving so far from the people he depends on wouldn't it make sense to stay near the people I have support from, instead of us both being thrust into a strange place with no back up? I'm fine living 2-3 hours from my home, but the 8-10 hours he wants is too much for me.

@Caitlin2009 Yeah...we are trying to meet halfway but it's difficult since I never imagined he wouldn't want to live here. This isn't a bad community, it's smack dab in the middle of California, near the beach, and within a days driving distance to so many different areas-Las Vegas, Disneyland, Lake Tahoe, San Francisco, Sacramento. It's just such a prime spot it seems silly to want to leave. But thank you for your opinion. I didn't think wanting to be with my family was "not fair" to me since it never felt unfair for myself...but my boyfriend said the same thing so perhaps you have a point.

[Mara]

It sounds like he just really doesn't want to live in the town you live in. I don't necessarily feel it's "unfair" for you to not want to move away from your family. It's completely different comparing your situation to his as he wants some space from his family and he's always planned on leaving. You sound like you are close with your family and want them relatively close by, I don't see anything wrong with that.

I think this is something the two of you are just going to have to talk about more, try out, and see what works best for you both. I don't think it's unreasonably for you to move a few hours away, but 8-10 hours, I sort of agree with you that it makes no sense for you both to lose your support systems if there isn't a reason to and it's not something you want or agree on.

I also would point out to him that "opportunities" don't make a place. If you are constantly moving from place to place in search of better opportunities you'll never make a home. People always make the place.

[DollOnAMusicBox]

I had a similar argument with my boyfriend this week. I know how it can be crushing and how it feels like its a personal reflection of you. I have to keep reminding myself that thats not the case. I've told him its my dream to have my family like...down the street so they can pick up our kids someday and things...he wants to go as far as canada if the economy isn't well. I don't really have much as an answer...all I do is keep trying to talk to him and figure out what the most important things are. Anyway, just wanted to say I know how it feels and if you need to talk feel free to message me.

[Hollis]

If he doesn't want to live where you live, that's just how it is. You can't blame him for saying it now as I gathered that you never asked him about that specifically. Rural-type communities are great for families but there really aren't as many career opportunities and it sounds like that's what he wants to focus on right now? Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. No matter how much he likes/dislikes being close to his family he would still be making the same sacrifice you would be by moving away from them.

It's always hard to live further from your family if you're close to them but you have your own life to live too.

[Rosebud]

If he doesn't want to live where you live, that's just how it is. You can't blame him for saying it now as I gathered that you never asked him about that specifically. Rural-type communities are great for families but there really aren't as many career opportunities and it sounds like that's what he wants to focus on right now? Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. No matter how much he likes/dislikes being close to his family he would still be making the same sacrifice you would be by moving away from them.

It's always hard to live further from your family if you're close to them but you have your own life to live too.

As I stated in my OP, while this is a farming community it's not the only thing everyone does. No one in my family farms. I don't have any friends who's families farms. I'm an English major and plan to do something related to that as a career, absolutely nothing to do with farming whatsoever. I listed the many places, one of them being the state capitol, of which we are only 2-3 hours away, which give many business opportunities if one so chooses. Yes, there are big pastures and lots of cows and horses, but this isn't some backwater tiny community. We're right next to big cities and towns as well. I fail to see how are there are few career opportunities here as it's smack dab in one of the fastest growing areas (population-wise) in the state. And I fail to see how staying near my family means that I am somehow hindering my ability to live a full and rich life. My mom and her siblings all lived near their mother, does that mean they wasted and didn't live their own lives too?

Edit to Add: If he is not as close with his family and wishes to move away from them, how is that just as unfair as making me move from my family when I DO wish to be near them?

[lucybelle]

I have to say, when I move in with my SO and if he refuses to relocate (if I wanted to) because he wants to be near his family, it would be a huge problem for me. Compromise and sacrifice are huge in a relationship. Whether he is close to his family or not, he is leaving them to be near you. That's still a sacrifice.

That being said, I can tell you're feeling a little vulnerable and hurt that he isn't pleased with your hometown. I felt the same way when my SO was telling me reasons he didn't want to live where I live. I love where I grew up and to hear him tell me all the reasons he didn't like it made me want to scream. You're upset he doesn't like where you live and are getting defensive. But think it through. Maybe up rooting a few hours won't be the worst thing in the world.

8 hours is pretty far away, but it's still a doable weekend trip. Plus there's probably a bus line or train that could take you if you don't want to do the driving. I'd say give it a shot living somewhere new. You might end up loving it too. But go in with an open mind. Because like you said about him moving in with you, if you go already decided that you won't like it, then there's no reason to even try.

[Caitlin2009]

I have to say, when I move in with my SO and if he refuses to relocate (if I wanted to) because he wants to be near his family, it would be a huge problem for me. Compromise and sacrifice are huge in a relationship. Whether he is close to his family or not, he is leaving them to be near you. That's still a sacrifice.

That being said, I can tell you're feeling a little vulnerable and hurt that he isn't pleased with your hometown. I felt the same way when my SO was telling me reasons he didn't want to live where I live. I love where I grew up and to hear him tell me all the reasons he didn't like it made me want to scream. You're upset he doesn't like where you live and are getting defensive. But think it through. Maybe up rooting a few hours won't be the worst thing in the world.

8 hours is pretty far away, but it's still a doable weekend trip. Plus there's probably a bus line or train that could take you if you don't want to do the driving. I'd say give it a shot living somewhere new. You might end up loving it too. But go in with an open mind. Because like you said about him moving in with you, if you go already decided that you won't like it, then there's no reason to even try.

big amen to that give it a shot and move that far away from them, cant always be near them all the time.

[Petals]

I have to say, when I move in with my SO and if he refuses to relocate (if I wanted to) because he wants to be near his family, it would be a huge problem for me. Compromise and sacrifice are huge in a relationship. Whether he is close to his family or not, he is leaving them to be near you. That's still a sacrifice.

That being said, I can tell you're feeling a little vulnerable and hurt that he isn't pleased with your hometown. I felt the same way when my SO was telling me reasons he didn't want to live where I live. I love where I grew up and to hear him tell me all the reasons he didn't like it made me want to scream. You're upset he doesn't like where you live and are getting defensive. But think it through. Maybe up rooting a few hours won't be the worst thing in the world.

8 hours is pretty far away, but it's still a doable weekend trip. Plus there's probably a bus line or train that could take you if you don't want to do the driving. I'd say give it a shot living somewhere new. You might end up loving it too. But go in with an open mind. Because like you said about him moving in with you, if you go already decided that you won't like it, then there's no reason to even try.

Thumbs up to this too!

[Hollis]

As I stated in my OP, while this is a farming community it's not the only thing everyone does. No one in my family farms. I don't have any friends who's families farms. I'm an English major and plan to do something related to that as a career, absolutely nothing to do with farming whatsoever. I listed the many places, one of them being the state capitol, of which we are only 2-3 hours away, which give many business opportunities if one so chooses. Yes, there are big pastures and lots of cows and horses, but this isn't some backwater tiny community. We're right next to big cities and towns as well. I fail to see how are there are few career opportunities here as it's smack dab in one of the fastest growing areas (population-wise) in the state. And I fail to see how staying near my family means that I am somehow hindering my ability to live a full and rich life. My mom and her siblings all lived near their mother, does that mean they wasted and didn't live their own lives too?

I know what kind of area you live in, I've lived in the same kind of place before. You can say what you like about how it may be growing but he quite obviously does NOT want to live there. I never stated that staying with your family was keeping you from leading a rich life but if you base yourself where your roots are you will be missing out on plenty of experiences and opportunities to grow and gain independence for yourself. If you're keeping yourself from new things because of what other people do, yes, in my opinon, it is a waste of what life has to offer. You're not going across the country. It's a very long drive at the most. I get the feeling you may be able to get him to live there for a year or two but he won't want to live there forever.

[LilyChiba]

Just think of it this way, 8-10 hours is really not that big a distance if you look at some of the other people on this website. You are lucky enough to have found your SO in the same country. Some of us have to give up our family with little to no chance of seeing them again in this life time. After all, buying plane tickets to other countries is not cheap . At least you would only be a short drive or flight away. I myself will be giving up my baby sister, and although I don't really get along with, my mother. My father passed away 5 years ago (who was my best friend) and his grave is 15mins from me right now. I will be giving that up too. As most people here said, you can't have them by your side forever. And it doesn't matter how far apart you are from your family, they will always be your family and be there for you, no matter where you are. I agree that you will have to meet half way if you want this to work out, because at the end of the day, he is trying to move for you. I'd do anything for my SO, for even one day with him in fact. One last thing.. you two coming together makes a new family. ^_^

[Caitlin2009]

Just think of it this way, 8-10 hours is really not that big a distance if you look at some of the other people on this website. You are lucky enough to have found your SO in the same country. Some of us have to give up our family with little to no chance of seeing them again in this life time. After all, buying plane tickets to other countries is not cheap . At least you would only be a short drive or flight away. I myself will be giving up my baby sister, and although I don't really get along with, my mother. My father passed away 5 years ago (who was my best friend) and his grave is 15mins from me right now. I will be giving that up too. As most people here said, you can't have them by your side forever. And it doesn't matter how far apart you are from your family, they will always be your family and be there for you, no matter where you are. I agree that you will have to meet half way if you want this to work out, because at the end of the day, he is trying to move for you. I'd do anything for my SO, for even one day with him in fact. One last thing.. you two coming together makes a new family. ^_^

mmmhmm amen to that to. in a few months i'll be moving to the UK and all of my immediate family lives in Connecticut(except for my sister who lives in Ohio with her partner), i havent a clue as to when i'll see them again after i do move, im not close with them but i will miss them like hell, but i know im not meant to be here anymore so i have to move on with my own life and start a new chapter. as scary as it is, its most likely something you have to do and probably will love at some point

[NaNi]

You'll be able to stay in your "own" country. You're really lucky. You might not be able to live next door to your family, but you can always visit them over the weekend. A lot of people, including myself, have the problem that their SO's live in a whole different country or even worse - overseas. My SO lives in New Zealand and I live in Germany. We're over 11,500 miles away from each other. That means that one person WILL leave all of their family and friends behind. Maybe even for good. I'm really close to my mom and I wish I could stay with her, but living in Germany is out of the question because my SO doesn't speak German. I'll be giving up everything that I knew and grew up with. It's a scary thought, but I know that if I wouldn't do it... I'd regret it in the future.