so my SO and I are different in a lot of ways, but ways that I usually think are complementary to each other. (i.e. I'm much more outgoing than he is, but I used to be shy so I can understand his feelings about social gatherings and help him with them, etc.). This summer our domestic LDR went international, as I went to Germany to do research for my PhD, and obviously that adds stress onto your relationship. I'm also pretty lonely here, as I'm a fairly social person but don't have many opportunities to meet people here (as my research is solitary), and I'm still learning German, so I have fewer friends than I am used to. So we've been fighting a little more than usual.
We don't really fight often (or didn't before I was here), and when we do I will admit they are usually my fault--I have a much shorter temper than my SO and I'm much less patient. I tend to flare up (particularly when stressed) and then be fine ten minutes later rather than have a sustained argument, unless it's a really big issue. (i.e. my SO has ADHD and we've learned that when we are driving somewhere new, he should drive, because he gets distracted when he gives me directions and then I get stressed and snap at him) Last night I got frustrated because of a bad 3G connection on Skype that has been happening repeatedly lately, and blamed the fact that my SO lives in the middle of nowhere and said I hated the situation. The distance is getting to me lately.
my SO works kind of differently--he is not a yeller or a snapper. It takes a lot for him to get angry and when he does he withdraws to process his feelings until he feels better about it. I don't consider myself confrontational at all, I really hate when people are upset with me and avoid it at all costs, but when the two of us fight, especially because we are so far away, I like to deal with it and get it over with. He prefers to give me the silent treatment until he's not angry and ready to talk rationally. I do see the positive sides of this but I do NOT appreciate being given the silent treatment. He also tends to not tell me he's angry with me about something until he's done processing, which is aggravating when you are 4,000 miles away and can't get all the cues you would when you are with the person.
To make things more interesting, this is the first time we are dealing with a time difference in our relationship (6 hours). When he is coming home from work, I'm usually really tired, and I'll admit I don't deal well with being tired. So he avoids starting arguments with me because it's late at night in Germany and doing that hasn't worked out well before.
Any thoughts on how we can come to some middle ground here between talking while we're still angry and me being given the silent treatment for hours?
We don't really fight often (or didn't before I was here), and when we do I will admit they are usually my fault--I have a much shorter temper than my SO and I'm much less patient. I tend to flare up (particularly when stressed) and then be fine ten minutes later rather than have a sustained argument, unless it's a really big issue. (i.e. my SO has ADHD and we've learned that when we are driving somewhere new, he should drive, because he gets distracted when he gives me directions and then I get stressed and snap at him) Last night I got frustrated because of a bad 3G connection on Skype that has been happening repeatedly lately, and blamed the fact that my SO lives in the middle of nowhere and said I hated the situation. The distance is getting to me lately.
my SO works kind of differently--he is not a yeller or a snapper. It takes a lot for him to get angry and when he does he withdraws to process his feelings until he feels better about it. I don't consider myself confrontational at all, I really hate when people are upset with me and avoid it at all costs, but when the two of us fight, especially because we are so far away, I like to deal with it and get it over with. He prefers to give me the silent treatment until he's not angry and ready to talk rationally. I do see the positive sides of this but I do NOT appreciate being given the silent treatment. He also tends to not tell me he's angry with me about something until he's done processing, which is aggravating when you are 4,000 miles away and can't get all the cues you would when you are with the person.
To make things more interesting, this is the first time we are dealing with a time difference in our relationship (6 hours). When he is coming home from work, I'm usually really tired, and I'll admit I don't deal well with being tired. So he avoids starting arguments with me because it's late at night in Germany and doing that hasn't worked out well before.
Any thoughts on how we can come to some middle ground here between talking while we're still angry and me being given the silent treatment for hours?
I flare up quick too, and once I've got it all out of my system I'm ready to cuddle again. He doesn't get mad often, but when he does... oy... It's what he doesn't say that hurts the most. I totally get your situation. When so many things are changing/ going wrong in your life it's easy to take it out on the people you love, even if you don't mean to. I think sometimes it's a good idea to take a page out of our SO's books and stop and take a deep breath when we're mad. I'm not saying you should ignore him for a few days, maybe end the conversation politely and go to bed? Then if you're still angry/annoyed in the morning it's something worth talking about. If not, you'll probably realize you over reacted, and since you didn't freak out on him there's no harm done? idk. It sounds like you're having a hard time with the time difference too, is there any way he can call you earlier? Does he have a lunch break at work around the same time most days? I get bitchy towards the end of the day too, and i really hate sitting around my house at night waiting by the phone-- makes me feel kind of pathetic, not like a strong independent woman or anything, so we've had some success in the past with talking on our lunch breaks.
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