Feeling the distance like a knife - both kinds
AJay is bad at long distance relationships - this he has said since before we got together, and I have seen it in his past distance relationships. But it just hurts me so bad when he gets into this mood. When phrases come into it like "Just not feeling it to be honest" and "just really feeling the distance", when I'm afraid the next thing I'm going to read is "I don't think I can do this."
You don't have to read the rest of this if you don't feel like it, I know it is long. But, I needed to write about it, and I know some of you - maybe many - can understand it.
It's happened...well, I don't really know how many times it has happened now. And I think each time, even though he has come back from it each time, it piles a little on to a fear buildup I've got growing now. I didn't have that buildup really before one time when it seemed like it might be just another of his hopeless nights then the next morning it wasn't and it was decided that we take a solid week off - no talking from Monday morning to Friday morning. Then he decided we'd say we were just friends (but of course we couldn't NOT behave just like a couple, because that is naturally how we are with each other). Some time later he got really distant for a few days, right after my grandma had died. About a week after Grammy died was when he dropped the bomb of a phrase on me. I'd made a comment about how I had been chatting with a mother figure of mine about him and he was my favorite topic, his response was "Maybe not so much. Not if I end up in a relationship with a girl I met." We were back to just friends, but trying to actually act that way this time. Even when we were first video chatting after the bomb had been dropped (in text), he'd made the comment that we'd try being just friends but if it didn't work again we'd just have to be secret lovers, because there was no way he could be without me (Yeah, hi, maybe a hint, love). Then he scolded himself for saying that. We did act as much like just friends as we could for somewhere between 3-4 days and week - hard to say when we were really back.
Today may be his first distant/hopeless period since then (bomb was dropped on May 24th, so), but since that one time I get so scared every single time he seems even a little distant.
I know he's not good at handling long distance, and I know his divorce left him with some scars about relationships and marriage - and I know he's not happy with where his life is now, because often enough I'm the only thing getting him through the week. Even though it tears me up every time he gets like this, I've never loved him any less for it and I've never stopped wanting to be with him and marry him someday. It's just so simple for me - I love him and want to be with him, he loves me and wants to be with me, so we'll save the money and we'll keep the hope because plenty of people will tell you it CAN happen. This whole site is about how it can happen and how it can work and how we all have every right in the world to keep hoping and keep fighting.
Yes, I feel the distance sometimes, too. I don't jump for joy every time he's on my screen, sometimes I'm detached enough by the distance and my own personal crap (as I know he is) that I can't even get past the screen. But he is my mountain and my lovemonkey, my best friend, my lover, and the light in my life. That has never wavered.
You don't have to read the rest of this if you don't feel like it, I know it is long. But, I needed to write about it, and I know some of you - maybe many - can understand it.
It's happened...well, I don't really know how many times it has happened now. And I think each time, even though he has come back from it each time, it piles a little on to a fear buildup I've got growing now. I didn't have that buildup really before one time when it seemed like it might be just another of his hopeless nights then the next morning it wasn't and it was decided that we take a solid week off - no talking from Monday morning to Friday morning. Then he decided we'd say we were just friends (but of course we couldn't NOT behave just like a couple, because that is naturally how we are with each other). Some time later he got really distant for a few days, right after my grandma had died. About a week after Grammy died was when he dropped the bomb of a phrase on me. I'd made a comment about how I had been chatting with a mother figure of mine about him and he was my favorite topic, his response was "Maybe not so much. Not if I end up in a relationship with a girl I met." We were back to just friends, but trying to actually act that way this time. Even when we were first video chatting after the bomb had been dropped (in text), he'd made the comment that we'd try being just friends but if it didn't work again we'd just have to be secret lovers, because there was no way he could be without me (Yeah, hi, maybe a hint, love). Then he scolded himself for saying that. We did act as much like just friends as we could for somewhere between 3-4 days and week - hard to say when we were really back.
Today may be his first distant/hopeless period since then (bomb was dropped on May 24th, so), but since that one time I get so scared every single time he seems even a little distant.
I know he's not good at handling long distance, and I know his divorce left him with some scars about relationships and marriage - and I know he's not happy with where his life is now, because often enough I'm the only thing getting him through the week. Even though it tears me up every time he gets like this, I've never loved him any less for it and I've never stopped wanting to be with him and marry him someday. It's just so simple for me - I love him and want to be with him, he loves me and wants to be with me, so we'll save the money and we'll keep the hope because plenty of people will tell you it CAN happen. This whole site is about how it can happen and how it can work and how we all have every right in the world to keep hoping and keep fighting.
Yes, I feel the distance sometimes, too. I don't jump for joy every time he's on my screen, sometimes I'm detached enough by the distance and my own personal crap (as I know he is) that I can't even get past the screen. But he is my mountain and my lovemonkey, my best friend, my lover, and the light in my life. That has never wavered.
To me it sounds like he's screwing you around. He's not thinking of how any of this effects you - and I personally think you deserve to be treated better.
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