That's what AJay and I have decided to try, again. I think it might work this time though, actually. I think we're both so tired of the hurt it puts us through when he feels this way that if it could help save us - help our closeness and love survive until a life together is more tangible - anything is worth it.
Anyone who doesn't know (most people, unless you've caught my posts before), my SO AJay is...not good at long distance relationships. He's one of those people (aka, most people, judging from all the impressed comments I get for being otherwise) who has a lot of difficulty with a relationship that is not tangible - long distance.
Because, much as we laughed at my comments before of "there are times - more than I like to admit - that I literally can't believe you are real. my mind literally won't accept or process the fact that you are a man at a computer in England - that you exist outside of my screen, mind, and heart, despite the fact that I am very clearly sitting here watching you sitting there sipping coffee and nomming on pizza."...he's got somewhat a similar problem. I bring him happiness and I show and send him love, but it seems like a dream, not real. (exact quote from tonight: "you do bring me happiness but it feels like it's in a surreal way, like a dream and not reality")
And that hurts us, bad. Because it's been an underlying thing, though he led me to believe we'd gotten past it a few times, but every now and again he has a day where it really effects him and then we have an issue. This time he explained it as feeling trapped. "it's like feeling I'm in a relationship without being in a relationship", or as I elaborated back to him "trapped in commitment without the full return of a 'real' relationship"
I wish I could explain it better or in a way that it didn't sound so...unpleasant. But, he claims he still wants more than anything for us to be together fully someday when we can, and he's very happy I'm still saving up to visit next summer. Plan was to visit and stay for my whole break from school [thank you, visa waiver program and your 6 month allowance], but when I actually have the money and can book the flight, I'm going to run it by him again to be sure he still wants me around that long. Think he will, whether we even got back together for the time or not. We've always been best friends and family, so he'd be fine with putting me up for a holiday in England. He's still trying to get himself into a better financial and maybe even emotional position. Personally I think one of our biggest problems is the big ol' load of trust issues and emotional baggage from not just his divorce and former marriage, but his whole past. People in general have not given him much reason to trust or open up, and he lived a life that hardened him a lot in some ways. But, yeah, getting into a better position and saving up and still has every intention/interest in pursuing a future together.
Just...going through him feeling that way hurt us both and hurt us as a couple - strained our connection which was always the deepest, richest connection until this issue started. So, the hope is that "being friend and acknowledging our deep feelings and adoration for each other, being free to say what we want but without a binding relationship" as he described it, will take the tension off enough to get back to who we are as individuals and as a unit - friends, family, and when the time comes to get fully back to it, lovers. We hope it will make it better and strong when (and god it took the weight off me so much when he used that word) we are together again and fully someday.
So, guess I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts about any of this, or better yet, if anyone may have tried this at some point.
Anyone who doesn't know (most people, unless you've caught my posts before), my SO AJay is...not good at long distance relationships. He's one of those people (aka, most people, judging from all the impressed comments I get for being otherwise) who has a lot of difficulty with a relationship that is not tangible - long distance.
Because, much as we laughed at my comments before of "there are times - more than I like to admit - that I literally can't believe you are real. my mind literally won't accept or process the fact that you are a man at a computer in England - that you exist outside of my screen, mind, and heart, despite the fact that I am very clearly sitting here watching you sitting there sipping coffee and nomming on pizza."...he's got somewhat a similar problem. I bring him happiness and I show and send him love, but it seems like a dream, not real. (exact quote from tonight: "you do bring me happiness but it feels like it's in a surreal way, like a dream and not reality")
And that hurts us, bad. Because it's been an underlying thing, though he led me to believe we'd gotten past it a few times, but every now and again he has a day where it really effects him and then we have an issue. This time he explained it as feeling trapped. "it's like feeling I'm in a relationship without being in a relationship", or as I elaborated back to him "trapped in commitment without the full return of a 'real' relationship"
I wish I could explain it better or in a way that it didn't sound so...unpleasant. But, he claims he still wants more than anything for us to be together fully someday when we can, and he's very happy I'm still saving up to visit next summer. Plan was to visit and stay for my whole break from school [thank you, visa waiver program and your 6 month allowance], but when I actually have the money and can book the flight, I'm going to run it by him again to be sure he still wants me around that long. Think he will, whether we even got back together for the time or not. We've always been best friends and family, so he'd be fine with putting me up for a holiday in England. He's still trying to get himself into a better financial and maybe even emotional position. Personally I think one of our biggest problems is the big ol' load of trust issues and emotional baggage from not just his divorce and former marriage, but his whole past. People in general have not given him much reason to trust or open up, and he lived a life that hardened him a lot in some ways. But, yeah, getting into a better position and saving up and still has every intention/interest in pursuing a future together.
Just...going through him feeling that way hurt us both and hurt us as a couple - strained our connection which was always the deepest, richest connection until this issue started. So, the hope is that "being friend and acknowledging our deep feelings and adoration for each other, being free to say what we want but without a binding relationship" as he described it, will take the tension off enough to get back to who we are as individuals and as a unit - friends, family, and when the time comes to get fully back to it, lovers. We hope it will make it better and strong when (and god it took the weight off me so much when he used that word) we are together again and fully someday.
So, guess I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts about any of this, or better yet, if anyone may have tried this at some point.
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