Telephone phobia - can't speak on phone with my SO

[Laura_N]

Alright, this is probably going to sound ridiculous to some people and some won't take me seriously. However telephone phobia is a real condition and you can google it.

So here's the deal... We started speaking through Skype on January - or more like, she is speaking to me and I am listening, writing what I have to say on the Skype chat. I would love to talk to her and have proper conversations, but I just can't.

I don't remember when this started, probably in early teens, but I find it extremely distressing making and receiving phone calls. The only person I'm completely comfortable talking on phone with is my mother, but if I need to call someone else (relative, friend, dentist/doctor appointment, school, job interview...) my heart beat gets quicker, I get very restless and usually have to find something for my hands to do at the same time. I might end up just staring at the phone before calling, and sometimes when I have planned to make a call I won't make it at all or I postpone it. Answering the phone isn't as hard, but if it's a strange number I might make a friend answer my phone. I have even got my friends and mother canceling and making appointments!

It's obvious that my SO is getting frustrated, in her position I would too. I was able to speak to her on phone before I was supposed to meet her. My flight was delayed and she hadn't received my texts of me being late, so she was pissed off, and I was just so desperate to call and explain that I had no choice but to ignore my fear. Yet after that I haven't managed to speak on her on Skype or phone. Sure I've said a few sentences or answered yes or no, or said hi or bye sometimes, but that's pretty much it.

She's been very understanding and even if she's sometimes got a bit too frustrated and tried to push me she has apologized and been very sorry, as she knows it's not easy to me. But I'm scared that after that one fluent call this will change and she assumes I can just talk away, which I can't. I have tried to read others tips for this, but for example acting out a phone call beforehand or practicing by myself won't help, as I feel even more uncomfortable and stupid pretending to call someone but actually not doing it. I have also tried to make a list of things what I want to say, but it only makes me more confused and gets me easily mixed with my words.

My fear mostly consists of me being scared of misunderstandings and having to repeat/to ask the other person to repeat, fear of the other person finding my voice unpleasant, fear or not being able to say what I would like to say or sounding confused or going "um, err, well..." or just simply getting mixed with my words, or not speaking clearly enough, or being too quiet.

I'm not sure what I want to ask, maybe help or tips, or anyone with the same problem? Because this is something that I want to solve for my relationship with my SO... It's getting on the nerves of the both of us even though she's not saying it out loud.

[Micah]

People here give awesome advice, but it sounds like you may need to talk to a professional about your phobia. They may have a way to help you deal with this through counseling, or even medication, to help lessen the anxiety of talking on the phone.

[kaylamcquaig]

I have the same problem. Though, it isn't with just phones. I have a lisp, so I fear of being misunderstood and having to repeat myself. I can't talk to people other than my family and friends. If I must talk to a stranger, I make small talk. I try to not say the word 'S' or the word 'R', which I also have trouble with. My SO wants me to speak on MSN, though I have yet to do so. So I do what you do. He talks, I type. He understands why I don't speak, though. And he's giving me my time which I appreciate very much. As for tips, I have none. But one thing I've done is that I made a video for my SO. It was short, only a few seconds long. But I spoke. I told him that I loved him. It made him very happy to hear my voice. Maybe you should give it a shot? Since it's a video, you can retake, retake, and retake. Once you have a good copy, send it to your SO. I'm sure she'll appreciate it as much as my SO did. I wish you luck with your issue.

[BoogleBee]

I find it extremely distressing making and receiving phone calls. The only person I'm completely comfortable talking on phone with is my mother, but if I need to call someone else (relative, friend, dentist/doctor appointment, school, job interview...) my heart beat gets quicker, I get very restless and usually have to find something for my hands to do at the same time. I might end up just staring at the phone before calling, and sometimes when I have planned to make a call I won't make it at all or I postpone it. Answering the phone isn't as hard, but if it's a strange number I might make a friend answer my phone. I have even got my friends and mother canceling and making appointments!

My fear mostly consists of me being scared of misunderstandings and having to repeat/to ask the other person to repeat, fear of the other person finding my voice unpleasant, fear or not being able to say what I would like to say or sounding confused or going "um, err, well..." or just simply getting mixed with my words, or not speaking clearly enough, or being too quiet.

I know exactly how you feel! I've never googled it, but have always told people I have a telephone phobia which no one understands! I get like you, very distressed, fast heart-rate everything that you said when making a phone call. It makes me feel like I am getting light-headed and am going to faint sometimes, it can be that bad. So I have put off phone calls for days due to this. Or just actually sometimes traveled all the way from wherever I am to the place I mean to call just to avoid using the phone. I know my parents sometimes get annoyed with me about it but if possible my Mum also makes my appointments for me too, or cancels them.

And my fears are exactly the same, that the call will be awkward and I won't know what to say or will get muddled up etc.

However what I have noticed is that since I started working my part-time job it has gotten easier. I have been working there for over 2 years now, and can easily make a call to a different department about a customers item but...only if I know exactly what I am going to say. Recently I was asked just to cover the customer service desk, just for a few minutes and I kept thinking "Please phone don't ring" over and over and then it did, and I had to answer it, I had no choice but it was crazy how nervous I got. They only asked a simple question but it still got me all shaky. I think with answering the phone my problem is not knowing who it is or what they will ask.

Oh and another thing that you mentioned, I will avoid answering the phone if possible at home. If I am home alone I literally sometimes just let it ring and they will leave a message. If it is my mum calling she lets it ring 3 times, hang up, and then ring again and I know it is her.
Actually writing this out makes me think omg I need help too! I'm 21 and scared of using the phone.

Sorry I babbled on a bit there!

With my SO, the first time we spoke on skype she called and I was quiet for hours before speaking. But I don't know what happened...because I actually do not have a probably talking to my SO on the phone, or on skype. That fear that I have using the phone in any other situation just doesn't happen when I talk to her. I don't know why. It just has never really popped up.

In terms of advice, you can't be pushed into it. That will just make it harder and more difficult. My SO and I actually did voice recordings of things we wanted to say to each other and sent them over email in the beginning before moving to skype calls. Maybe that helped me without me realising it?
Sometimes you just have to say okay I'm doing it and do it - I remember once when I was fretting about calling back someone who had interviewed me for a job and I was so shaky but then afterwards I felt so good knowing I made the call. I know I don't seem to have much advice, but just wanted you to know I have similar problems. So message me if you ever need to talk about it

[threecheers9980]

I had the same problem. What helped me was just talking to my SO on the phone and him telling me that I don't sound like a dude, lol. I think I was just so self-conscious about my voice that I was scared of talking on the phone. I really had myself convinced I sounded like a guy over the phone. I think another part was that for a long time, I didn't interact very much with anyone, so I just didn't know how to talk on the phone. I'm still not much of a talker. (At least, I don't think so. Maybe by SO thinks differently.) And I still get a little nervous when I have to do something unrelated to my SO (making appointments and such).

I have to agree with what Micah said though. It really sounds like you might have to talk to a professional about it.

[Leigh]

My friend always texts me and hardly ever calls because he studders and speaks really fast to compensate for it. So we just text it avoids me have to ask him to repeat himself. I think you should try to relax and be yourself don't worry about what people are thinking because chances are they aren't.

[Karringtyn]

You are NOT alone in this. I was PETRIFIED to talk on the phone for many many years. I then got help with my social anxiety and suddenly I was able to face that fear. I now can call anyone and not have anxiety over it. I do encourage you to talk to someone about it. I am SOOOO glad I did.

[Laura_N]

Thanks for answering, all of you.

People here give awesome advice, but it sounds like you may need to talk to a professional about your phobia. They may have a way to help you deal with this through counseling, or even medication, to help lessen the anxiety of talking on the phone.

I appreciate this advice but at the moment I would like to try something else than professional help due to my experiences of "professional" help. But thank you, though, I think it's something worth trying too unless I'm able to work on it by myself.

I have the same problem. Though, it isn't with just phones. I have a lisp, so I fear of being misunderstood and having to repeat myself. I can't talk to people other than my family and friends. If I must talk to a stranger, I make small talk. I try to not say the word 'S' or the word 'R', which I also have trouble with. My SO wants me to speak on MSN, though I have yet to do so. So I do what you do. He talks, I type. He understands why I don't speak, though. And he's giving me my time which I appreciate very much. As for tips, I have none. But one thing I've done is that I made a video for my SO. It was short, only a few seconds long. But I spoke. I told him that I loved him. It made him very happy to hear my voice. Maybe you should give it a shot? Since it's a video, you can retake, retake, and retake. Once you have a good copy, send it to your SO. I'm sure she'll appreciate it as much as my SO did. I wish you luck with your issue.

I have actually recorded her a few videos, and retaked, retaked and retaked, heh. The problem is she can't open the videos I have sent her via e-mail. I have tried uploading them to a private album in the Internet too but I'm finding difficulties with the video formats and it doesn't always work. But we've done this and I'd find it helpful if it only was working, hehe. But thank you for answering and good luck with your lisp - my mother has a slight one and I have a friend with a very bad lisp, but I have always understood them perfectly.

I know exactly how you feel! I've never googled it, but have always told people I have a telephone phobia which no one understands!

Uh, exactly... I have been told I'm just shy or that I'm an adult person and should be able to do my own phone calls. True, but not the full story. It's as though I just really can't speak, my mouth won't open and even if it does, there's no sound.

In terms of advice, you can't be pushed into it. That will just make it harder and more difficult. My SO and I actually did voice recordings of things we wanted to say to each other and sent them over email in the beginning before moving to skype calls. Maybe that helped me without me realising it?
Sometimes you just have to say okay I'm doing it and do it - I remember once when I was fretting about calling back someone who had interviewed me for a job and I was so shaky but then afterwards I felt so good knowing I made the call. I know I don't seem to have much advice, but just wanted you to know I have similar problems. So message me if you ever need to talk about it

Thank you so much for your answer and offer to talk, really, especially when I thought nobody else was suffering from this problem here. The voice recording would be great but like I said, I've got issues uploading them and she can't open the files I have tried to send her. I've been considering openin a video diary for her.

I had the same problem. What helped me was just talking to my SO on the phone and him telling me that I don't sound like a dude, lol. I think I was just so self-conscious about my voice that I was scared of talking on the phone. I really had myself convinced I sounded like a guy over the phone. I think another part was that for a long time, I didn't interact very much with anyone, so I just didn't know how to talk on the phone. I'm still not much of a talker. (At least, I don't think so. Maybe by SO thinks differently.) And I still get a little nervous when I have to do something unrelated to my SO (making appointments and such).

I have to agree with what Micah said though. It really sounds like you might have to talk to a professional about it.

Thanks for your answer, I'm glad you got that worked out! I might try professional help at some point if I fail to solve or make progress by myself. But I do not feel very comfortable with doctors or psychologists or therapeuts so it's something I see as the very last chance.

My friend always texts me and hardly ever calls because he studders and speaks really fast to compensate for it. So we just text it avoids me have to ask him to repeat himself. I think you should try to relax and be yourself don't worry about what people are thinking because chances are they aren't.

I know and I have tried to think this way... It just won't work because I can't really make it rational. I cannot even get my mouth opened sometimes and it's awful. My SO understands me and she's been supportive, but obviously it's starting to get on our relationship a little bit and she's had a few times when she's mentioned it if she's had a really bad and tiring day. If I didn't hear her voice for a long time I'd miss her even more, so I understand her, but luckily she isn't really pushing me.

You are NOT alone in this. I was PETRIFIED to talk on the phone for many many years. I then got help with my social anxiety and suddenly I was able to face that fear. I now can call anyone and not have anxiety over it. I do encourage you to talk to someone about it. I am SOOOO glad I did.

Thanks for sharing and answering. I'm really glad for you and to hear you can get help to it.

[leonsfangirl]

I was terrified of calling my SO so i can understand how nervous you feel. This might sound silly but can you call automated numbers? Like i know there are automated numbers for things like cinema listings and in the U.K we have the talking clock where its a pre-recorded voice.

[Laura_N]

I know what you mean, but quickly thinking I can't think of any that we'd have here. :/

[Zephii]

There's an audio recording program called Audacity. It doesn't do video, but if you pick up one extra dll file, it will allow you to export mp3. Everyone can open mp3

I had this problem for years. I still do on occasion, but Obi harps at me like an old lady until making the call is easier than listening to his shit >.> Though, if at all possible I will travel to the place I want to call and just do it face to face.

You can get past it, if you really want to. It wont be easy, but I just want you to know it's possible!

[Minerva]

I have the same problem. When on the phone, my mind just freezes. I can't think of anything to say and I can't remember anything I should know. It's so bad that if I'm calling to make an appointment, I write down all my personal information first -- it's really embarrassing to draw a completely blank when someone asks for your address or phone number!

And I have no idea why makes me so nervous. I've always been somewhat shy, but never had that much trouble on the phone. But I'm at the point that I avoid it if at all possible, and do everything I can by the internet -- I can even order pizza online!

It does suck with my SO though. We got to know each other through IMing, and that's great because I can take my time with answers. But when we talk in person or Skype, I get really nervous. He's a genius -- probably the smartest person I've ever known. And while I'm not stupid, sometimes I just go blank, or the only thing that comes to mind is a stupid comment. I love hearing his voice, but talking with him on the phone or Skype scares me right now. I'm working on it, hope to get over it.

[Laura_N]

I'm glad to hear (or well, of course it's not a happy thing, but you all know what I mean!) to hear that I'm not alone with this. Thanks for the encourage and tip, Zephii, I must look for the program.

Minerva, I have done the same sometimes when calling for an appointment, written down for example what's wrong with me or my social security number and such. I find it helpful in official calls, but when I'm supposed to do small talk with someone my notes seem to make everything even more confusing and I just get totally messed up and blank. It's awful and I can relate to you.

I have tried to keep myself occupied in other ways when making a phone call... Some weeks ago I called to my grandfather and started a card game on my bed at the same time. I found it a bit helpful when I could focus on something else at the same time, then again doing something like that might take your attention away from the call itself. I have considered maybe drawing to make me a bit more relaxed and take my mind off the phone... I remember my mom used to draw everything pointless when she had long phone calls on the phone when I was little and of course couldn't walk or do other stuff with the old-fashioned phone.

[LilyChiba]

I've had the same issue since I was probably 16ish. Due to low self esteem and not wanting anyone to think badly of me if I screw up and such. However, I started simply by things like calling friends/family, the pizza place, booking appointments for doctors. All because for me, those are short conversations. I'm not entirely better, I still do go completely quiet if someone is around that I've never talked to before. I just found it much easier to do that.

[Loving_Geno]

My SO and I are having the same issue. Neither of us really like talking on the phone. Although when we do talk on the phone we always have plenty to say to each other. I wouldn't say it is as extreme as a phobia though. We normally just communicate via. text. Which is better than no communication at all. I would suggest you speak to a couselor if you truly believe that you have a phobia. Best wishes to you and your SO