Our First Fight in a LDR, Need Help... She Lied

[ChristmasFanatic]

Guys, me and My Wife are having our first fight, and I just need your advice, to ask if I am overreacting, and what to do, since my head is full of anger, confusion, and Im hurting so bad.

OK so before anything else, I wanna APOLOGIZE, that this is quite a long read. Im just feeling bad and confused more than anything.

As a recap. Were married for 1 year and 9 months, from the Philippines. She went to UK last June 14 to pursue her nursing career(working student for now) cuz it really sucks here.

So anyway yesterday, she got a call that she is having a duty(1:30-9:30pm) at a place shes not familar with. She got lost, and even got harrassed by 2 Middle Eastern guys(asking for her address, number, name, etc.), til an elder black guy asked whats the problem, etc.. That and getting lost, and late to work, I guess she was very tired and stressed.

She ended her duty 9:30pm, but the next bus to Wolverhampton is 10:30pm. So we talked so she wont feel scared/lonely. Around 10:10pm, she told me she gotta go cuz she got low batt. Her problem though is the bus will reach Wolverhampton 11:10pm, but last bus FROM Wolverhampton to Walsall leaves 11pm. Her housemates(3 other girls from the Philippines who went with her to UK) told her to take a taxi.

After waiting 1, then 2 hours. No call from her. I texted one of her housemates, and she said she didnt arrive yet. I was so concerned the whole night. 10 hours passed, and still no news. I told her housemate to call the Filipino community, or even the police. But after 12 hours, I can finally get into her phone, cuz earlier it was off(again low batt). She answered after the 5th call and said she wasnt able to call cuz she went to a fellow female nurse(a batch before her) cuz she got no money for taxi and its night. She got there midnight. She wasnt able to text cuz she just borrowed a phone charger that morning.

Her housemates then texted me that she was at the house of their male batchmates(4 guys but living in another house),and stayed there, cuz she was tired and scared cuz it was already almost 12 midnight, and it was nearer at the busstop. The girls were pissed off too cuz they waited for her late at the night, and even told her to take taxi, she said she didnt bring enough money, but they said they will meet her outside the house and give her some. They were pissed cuz it was one of the guys who told them to not wait for her, and not her herself. They were pissed cuz she is married and got responsibilities for my feelings too.

Morning time in UK, they told me they will scold her when she gets home. And got more annoyed that she didnt have the initiative to wake up early and go home.

So my question is, am I right to be upset? I dont really feel like talking to her.

1. She lied to me that she sleep in the house of one of the female nurses, when in fact its at the guys' house. I know she might be afraid that I might get mad(I got jealousy issues esp since were afar), but to me, I tell her everything -- good or bad.

2. She didnt go the extra mile to just go home and take the taxi. I would never sleep at women's house and would rather go home, if I know it would hurt her.

3. Ive done nothing but totally been honest, loyal, obedient to her, write her letters EVERYDAY, and all I ask is the same sort of respect. And I swear, even if she is not around, I NEVER stared at a girl once, nor did anything that will make her feel disrespected.

Now I know My Wife, she wouldnt cheat on me. (but we can never be too sure right?) So even if she didnt, and its just cuz she was tired, am I justified to be totally furious right now?

What to do? I dont really have plans to talk to her yet. Im hurting like Hell. Should I just give her the cold shoulder til she really, as in REALLY realizes that what she did hurts me? Or should I just talk it over despite the pain? Im really at a loss.

And once again, sorry if its a long read.

[ChristmasFanatic]

UPDATE:
UPDATE: I texted her housemates asking if they are done confronting her, they said yes, they scolded her. She even cried. Her reason, this is the first time she is independent, and got so stressed. And that she will never do it again. Her housemates assured me they will guide and keep an eye on her.

Anyway, so far, she didnt text nor called me yet, probably embarrassed or what. My main issues are the lying and the going there part. If she is just a gf, I would probably end it right there and then. Respect, loyalty, obedience, love, thats what I offer, and I expect that in return.

[kteire]

Hmm, I don't really know, to be honest. I can understand you being upset that she lied to you about staying at a male friend's house, but if you've had issues with jealousy in the past, maybe she was just hoping to spare your feelings. I don't really think that's the best move, but when someone's had a long, tiring, frustrating day, they aren't always thinking clearly. There's something about being lost, alone, and scared that some men don't exactly understand. I can't imagine my SO would get angry with me if I'd been alone in a place I didn't know and stayed at a male friend's house. She might have still been scared, and wanted male company around to make her feel safe. Trust me, going home to a house full of women when you've been properly frightened isn't exactly comforting a lot of the time.
I really think you just need to calm down and trust her. She made a mistake by not telling you where she actually stayed, but if I were her, and my SO had freaked out at me and encouraged my friends to confront me, I wouldn't want to talk to you. You're not exactly giving her a chance to explain herself from the sounds of it, and you don't sound like you're trusting her. You say you don't think she would cheat, but then you add that you can never be too sure. You need to work on trusting her, because this sort of thing will only push her away from you.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I can't lie and say that I think you're in the right here.

[ChristmasFanatic]

Thanks, I just hoped she should just have told me. She got jealousy issues too, thats why I avoided things that will make her feel disrespected and even if I cant, I always told her. I guess I kinda expected the same.

THANKS AGAIN!

[meg]

Okay, to be clear: I lived in Wolverhampton for 3 years. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WALKING ALONE THERE, OR WAITING THERE ALONE.
I've been followed home, asked for sex, and harassed so many times in Wolves.
She did the right thing by going to someones home who she knows.

[Sora1101]

I understand why you're upset that she lied about that but would you honestly have prefered her to wait alone in the dark in a bad area where horrible things could have happened to her instead of her going to someone she knows who will get her off the streets and provide her a place to stay until she could get home?

You have to remember that it's not like she intentionally didn't bring enough money to get a taxi just so she could room with a bunch of guy friends, she did it because she was probably scared and worried about getting hurt, you can't be mad at her for trying to be safe.

[Zapookie]

Okay I'm going to be a little blunt here and get straight to the point, so I apologise in advance if this is hard to read.

I think you need to stop making this about you. Would you rather her have stayed out at night and waited for a taxi (which may not have been too common to find in the street at that time, she could have been waiting for hours), or that she was safe with people she knew she could trust? (regardless of them being male or female). Just put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She was alone, scared, stressed out and probably exhausted (she is a nurse, right?). She did what she thought was easier. And now you're not talking to her because you think that she did this intentionally. She probably didn't want to tell you about staying at the male household for fear that you would do this to her. But even if she had told you, you still wouldn't have been happy right? It's a lose:lose situation for her.

I don't feel that you should continue to punish her. Chalk this up to being a mistake that she has made, forgive her for her lack of thinking on that night and let it go. Ask her that if she ever has to do a late shift at night again, if someone with a car can pick her up and drive her to her house. Or that she bring enough money for a taxi which she can call to pick her up from work.

Your significant other is not perfect and neither are you. You need to understand that sometimes people make mistakes that are forgivable. It's only when someone continually takes advantage of your love and trust that you should take action. Don't consider ending a relationship over this.

[ChristmasFanatic]

Its the fact that she lied and left me without updates is what really hurts me.

And I dont know if I posted it up there, but I said, I was awake for 26 hours, I was panicking where she was. And all that time, she was asleep at guys place she is not even close with. 4 guys = 4 cellphones, or internet, cant she do that to atleast give me a peace of mind? I swear to God, I was literally shaking all night, thinking what could have happened to her. NO contact at all, and all that time, she was sleeping. So really, is that fair?


She should have the decency to give me a peace of mind. Thats what really pissed me off. And lying at that? Were married, she should be making every effort possible to let me know that she is safe & secure and then demonstrate her love to me by being 100% honest at all times; there are times some women approach me and ask about this or that, I tell her everything - to the minor details. Knowing were away, she should know better than to do things that may hurt the marriage. Cuz in the end, its us, not her and them.

[snow_girl]

You are right, you are married. But you still think that you can't be 100% sure she won't cheat? I think you need to work through your issues with distrust, you say you know she wouldn't cheat then you need to believe that. Like was said earlier, she was probably very tired and yea there was probably internet she could have used but when you are staying at someones and it is late, what if they were sleeping? Its easy to criticize when you are looking from the outside, but at that time she wasn't thinking that you were freaking out over her not calling and she just went to sleep. If you want this long distance marriage to work you are going to need to trust her completely. no ifs ands or buts about it. Forgive and forget.

[Zephii]

She needs to learn not to lie to you, but she'll only do that once you learn not to overreact about stupid things like gender. Are you attracted to every female you meet? Is it a constant battle to keep it in your pants? No. So what makes you think it's any different for her? She's not going around caring that her friends are men or women - because that's all they will ever be - friends. So chill.
Instead of getting angry with her, tell her once CALMLY that she doesn't need to lie to you. Simple.

As I see it, after she told you she was staying at a place she knew, there was no further need for updates. She's safe, end of story. Remember she's your wife, not your daughter.
Carrots xx

[Zapookie]

I swear to God, I was literally shaking all night, thinking what could have happened to her. NO contact at all, and all that time, she was sleeping. So really, is that fair?

No, it's not fair. But how long can you hold this against her for? You can continue to pick apart what happened that night for the rest of your life, but that won't help, will it? She obviously feels bad for what has happened because she was crying about it.

Give yourself a couple of days to cool down, at least until you can talk to her about this without getting angry. Tell her how much it hurt. Sometimes people hurt you without realising, and you need to bring it to their attention so they try their best to not do it again. We're only human.

---------- Post added at 01:36 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:36 AM ----------

I swear to God, I was literally shaking all night, thinking what could have happened to her. NO contact at all, and all that time, she was sleeping. So really, is that fair?

No, it's not fair. But how long can you hold this against her for? You can continue to pick apart what happened that night for the rest of your life, but that won't help, will it? She obviously feels bad for what has happened because she was crying about it.

Give yourself a couple of days to cool down, at least until you can talk to her about this without getting angry. Tell her how much it hurt. Sometimes people hurt you without realising, and you need to bring it to their attention so they try their best to not do it again. We're only human.

[kaitycat]

I'm going to go ahead and disagree with just about everyone else here, because if I was in your shoes I'd be furious too. Scared/lost or not, I don't think any situation excuses lying, (especially lying the next morning after you've made it home safe and the panic is gone, come on, really?) and I would presume if she was good enough friends with someone to stay at their house, they would have been a good enough friend to loan her a charger or let her use the internet so she could tell her husband she was alive. I trust my SO but I would be very troubled if he told me he was staying at a Man's and it turned out to be a Woman's place, not because I would think he was cheating but because if he felt the need to lie there is something wrong in our relationship that needs to be addressed right away.

That being said, sometimes it's better to be happy than to be right. Cool off, let her know calmly that you want a relationship built on honesty, and let it go. Like you said, she's not just a girlfriend, she's your wife. This is not a deal breaker, it's a tiny bump in the road that just seems huge right now because you're so far apart.

[ChristmasFanatic]

Thanks kaitykat. For the 3 mistakes she made(sleeping there instead of taking the right way; keeping me hanging for 12 hours, panicking while she was just sleeping; and lying about it), it would have been better if she made 1 or 2, but all 3? C'mon.

Thing is, I would never do this under any situation or atleast be truthful to her. Problem now is, how can I talk to her, Im so hurt and rageful. She didnt even attempted to even just text or email me of what really happened.

[Minerva]

She is human. She made a mistake. She lied to you, and that's something you say you'd never do to her. But one day you might make a mistake, as you're human too, and it might be something she'd never to do you. And when that time comes, I'm sure you will hope she can forgive you.

If the two of you can't talk about this, if you can't forgive her the mistakes she makes, the relationship is going to crumble. When you love someone, you accept that they have faults and will make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are unforgivable, or so hurtful it's hard to let go. Is this mistake really of that sort? And is holding onto the high ground worth the damage this could do to your relationship?

She needs to feel safe enough to tell you the truth. I understand your initial reaction, but that you're still holding on so tightly to this seems like overreaction to me. She didn't cheat on you, she didn't do any of this to hurt or betray you, she made some bad choices and was afraid to tell you the truth. She is obviously not like you in that she'll tell you the truth about every little thing. Either you accept that she's not like you in this way, or you don't. And either that's something you can learn to live with or you can't.

In my opinion, you're now overreacting and this will drive her to be more evasive to avoid similar situations with you in the future. You're pushing her away because you can't let this go.

[kteire]

not because I would think he was cheating but because if he felt the need to lie there is something wrong in our relationship that needs to be addressed right away.

I do agree with this - but I think the issue is the lack of trust... and maybe knowing how he'd react. I would be afraid to tell my boyfriend something I knew would send him into a rage.

Thanks kaitykat. For the 3 mistakes she made(sleeping there instead of taking the right way; keeping me hanging for 12 hours, panicking while she was just sleeping; and lying about it), it would have been better if she made 1 or 2, but all 3? C'mon.

Seriously? I don't think how many mistakes you think she made is important. She messed up, but you're really not sounding like you're willing to accept that and try to move on. I'm sure she didn't purposely do any of that to hurt you, so you really do need to calm down and work through this with her. It sucks not knowing what's going on, and I know I'd be worried sick too, but you're going to damage your relationship if you don't try to get past this.