Is it real or not?

[krabuzh]

Okay, I was planning to keep it to myself and told only some of my friend about it, but seems that I also need some advise regarding this matter.

This will be quite long to read, so forgive me for my long post.

Me and my SO will have our 1st anniversary this 28 July 2011, and between our one year relationship we already had 4 times hard talk. All the talks always have the same points:

1. That he need me physically or at least someone that is real, someone he can rely to, can touch, can feel, can see.. Someone that is physically beside him. He had a traumatic experience with an LDR when his previous gf cheated on him by sleeping with any other men she met and he at that time has devoted his life and his love to this girl.

2. That if someday he met (or even me) someone he like then he would take the chance with that person. Though when I asked him if this someone exist, he always said that no one at the moment and that he isn't looking for this someone. He just said that if "this someone" found him.

3. He said that "I don't love you, I am not in love with you because I never met you for real and to love you means that we have to meet first to know if it's real love or not. But I do like you romantically as my gf."

4. He said that, I am so dear to him and I'm important to him and that he couldn't imagine if he lost me. And asked me no to think lower of myself, since I've said to him that I'm not good enough to him. He just said that he would never forget me and that I will always be his important person.

5. He doesn't have enough money to come visit me since he's still taking his master degree and working part time with enough salary just to fulfill his monthly need and his savings (education and insurances)

6. That he really sorry to make me have a high hope in our relationship since he really doesn't want to make me hurt. --> I already hurt because I love him so much.

7. That there is also possibility that when we meet we both would decide to be in our own way. --> this one I agree

So, every time we had this kind of talk, he would usually distance himself away from me for a while and acted cold to me, like talk only a little and no jokes.

But, then after a while he would start to be very very nice to me. Such as talking about a baby boy, said that he would come and accompany me to the Church if I asked him (he is Atheist), asking about my family condition (he never asked this), told me that he had thought briefly about moving somewhere with me, called me Mrs., have a "romantic" chat together and even sent me his naked pictures in detail (while I know him very well that he's not the type of person who likes to send his private pictures --> my friend is a good friend of him, and I just know him very well about this thing).

Last week, I told him that maybe I would come to Germany next year. Then he said:
J : Wow! Cannot wait!
J : To work or visit?
Me : Holiday
J : Great! *cuddles and snuggles* I am a bit speechless at the moment... *blinks* But it still great.. *kisses*

And after that he showed me his caring, like sent me an email stated that he's very happy to receive a letter from me. He even said that his mom recognized my handwriting the second she saw the envelope and then he was very happy to read my letter. Gave me lots of hugs, cuddles and kisses. I even could feel his passion and happiness from his email. He sent me this email two days ago.

Now, what I want to know... Is it wrong if I put too much hope on this relationship?
Already asked many of my friends, even asked a guy so that I could know guy's thought.
ALmost of them said that I should give some time to him, that maybe he just afraid to experience the same thing and he is still uncertain to his feeling.

It seems that it always me who put the effort into our relationship. I even plan to visit him next year because at least I want to know about our relationship.
At least I give it a chance and I give it a try even though in the end we would never work out, but at least I know that I've tried my best. I do really want to touch him, to see him for real, see his smile, hear his voice for real (he sent me a birthday song that he sang by himself), feel his touch and everything.

As desperate as it sounds, but I'm serious with it and I'm serious with my feeling when I said that I love him even though we've never met. I even, somehow have the feeling that he's the one for me and that we will happen --> okay, this is just uhm.. maybe a bit too much. Hehehe..

Any advise and thought would be highly appreciated.

Thank you in advance! *hugs*

[Lina]

Probably he holds onto his past LDR, he's afraid of going again through the same thing. The fact that he was cheated on makes him think things over and over, each time taking into consideration the possibility of being hurt again. He says he's not in love with you, but this might be just his way of "protecting" himself from being deceived/hurt once more.We all go through the pain/need of having the beloved one physically with us and not just virtually, and ofc there always is the possibility that once you meet you might feel differently (talking about chemistry), still those are...side things (let's call 'em like that) - they come in one pack with a LDR, all nicely wrapped with a ribbon on top, lol. Best you can do is to talk to him and assure him of your feelings but also point out that you'd want him to get involved more.

[krabuzh]

Probably he holds onto his past LDR, he's afraid of going again through the same thing. The fact that he was cheated on makes him think things over and over, each time taking into consideration the possibility of being hurt again. He says he's not in love with you, but this might be just his way of "protecting" himself from being deceived/hurt once more.We all go through the pain/need of having the beloved one physically with us and not just virtually, and ofc there always is the possibility that once you meet you might feel differently (talking about chemistry), still those are...side things (let's call 'em like that) - they come in one pack with a LDR, all nicely wrapped with a ribbon on top, lol. Best you can do is to talk to him and assure him of your feelings but also point out that you'd want him to get involved more.

Thanks! *hugs* I think about the same thing too.

And about assuring him of my feeling, a certain friend of mine here from LFAD gave me the idea and told me to send my SO a letter every 10 days. In total it will be 10 letters, and this email from him stated that he's happy to receive my letter is probably for my 2nd letter. --> I acted like I didn't know at all about this letter and didn't talk about it at all. ^^

I hope this letter will make him sure with my feeling and also helps him sure with his feeling and try to accept this relationship completely and to make him open up to me more and more..

[ClipitsWings]

You know, this feels like just giving him the chance to meet him is going to help your relationship hugely. Don't be upset that he's not visiting you first, as you've said he makes just enough to live, but it feels like once he really gets to meet you he may have enough courage to move forward with you, and hell know youre real. Most of your points relate to his fear of being hurt because of a previous LDR, soo visiting could both show him you mean it when you say you love him, and that you are putting an effort in to be with him. I think in your situation I'd just be upset that he wouldn't say he loves me lol. :P there's no problem with having a little hope. I'm pessimistic and I think you really have a chance, this visit being key piece. It's not impossible to work out between you it'll be hard, but I think you could if you keep putting this great effort in. :3 good luck.

[krabuzh]

You know, this feels like just giving him the chance to meet him is going to help your relationship hugely. Don't be upset that he's not visiting you first, as you've said he makes just enough to live, but it feels like once he really gets to meet you he may have enough courage to move forward with you, and hell know youre real. Most of your points relate to his fear of being hurt because of a previous LDR, soo visiting could both show him you mean it when you say you love him, and that you are putting an effort in to be with him. I think in your situation I'd just be upset that he wouldn't say he loves me lol. :P there's no problem with having a little hope. I'm pessimistic and I think you really have a chance, this visit being key piece. It's not impossible to work out between you it'll be hard, but I think you could if you keep putting this great effort in. :3 good luck.

Thank you for your kind reply and yes it gives me more courage with my relationship, though he is not online now and I may have to kill him because of this, lol. Nah, just jokes. XD

So, yeah! Meet with him first and then see what will happen.

Anyway, once again.. Thank you! *hugs*

[Engel]

I dont know, for me it would be hard to be in a relationship with someone i never even saw before, my so and i talked for two months them we met, but even though we flirtted we werent in love before seeing each other.
maybe your so is like that too?
is great you will be able to visit him! really! only that way you both will be able to see if it is indeed real or not

[Zephii]

I think you're doing the right thing

Often, on partner will be the driving force behind a relationship, especially at the start. Don't let that concern you too much. If you want this feller, get out there and make him yours!

[krabuzh]

I dont know, for me it would be hard to be in a relationship with someone i never even saw before, my so and i talked for two months them we met, but even though we flirtted we werent in love before seeing each other.
maybe your so is like that too?
is great you will be able to visit him! really! only that way you both will be able to see if it is indeed real or not

Yeah, you are right. I think my SO is just the same. For him, to be in love means that he has to meet with the person first.

That just make me really really want to visit him soooooon.. But *coughs* can only be done next year *laughs*
Hope for the best though..

I think you're doing the right thing

Often, on partner will be the driving force behind a relationship, especially at the start. Don't let that concern you too much. If you want this feller, get out there and make him yours!

*nods* I will try my best to make this relationship happen and succeed and let's see what will happen. At least I've tried my best so there won't be any regret for me

Thank you all for your advise and opinion! *hugs*

[AUVSXFGT]

ive known my "SO" for over a year

we still haven't met LOL - AUS>UK

it's all about TRUST & COMMUNICATION

+ respect . have all of them . you'll be fine

i love my girl

kthxbye

-A

[ClipitsWings]

Thank you for your kind reply and yes it gives me more courage with my relationship, though he is not online now and I may have to kill him because of this, lol. Nah, just jokes. XD

So, yeah! Meet with him first and then see what will happen.

Anyway, once again.. Thank you! *hugs*

c: i'm happy i could help at all *huuug*

[uniquefem]

Just trying to be positive you wont know the "end result" if you're not trying it right? just do it with all your heart, so what ever the end result is.. you wont feel sorry because this is what you want to do. You can't choose to whom you fall in love with, or how. Its just happens.

Do all the efforts you could, and be positive!

[bluishskin]

All I can say is do whatever you need to do to make this relationship work and particularly if you truly know deep down inside you that yes it can work. Although for me personally, I wouldn't put hopes too high if I were you. I mean, surely I would have hopes but being a realistic person I always try to prepare myself for the worst. I don't think I could wait for more than 6 months to validate a relationship with someone I haven't even met. Even if I chose to wait I would be open for other options. Everyone is different. We never know what will happen in the future, thus anything can happen. I agree with everyone that he is prolly just being protective to himself, fearing that he will be fooled again like what he experienced in the past. Your SO is also being very realistic, prolly he's kinda similar with me at that point hahaha. However, do remind him to get himself involved more as it takes teamwork in a relationship. It takes time to make everything work, so just be patient and do your best.

[Mara]

It's really a grey spot to be in when you haven't met your SO, but from the sounds of things he does have very strong feelings for you. I'm the type of person that believes fully in following your heart wherever that may lead or however it may end up.

I also believe firmly in being an optimistic realist. What I mean by that is, life is full of possibilities and I like to focus on the positive ones when there's an opportunity. No sense in focusing on or meditating on the negative that type of thinking has never gotten anyone anywhere.

I met my SO through a personal ad I placed. He was looking at ads in no specific location and just happened to come across mine. I was extremely hesitant when he expressed romantic interest in me. I had been through a bad breakup and wasn't at all thrilled at the potential of being long distance. Two years ago on the 28th I finally relented to be his girlfriend, but if he had just given up or gotten discouraged the first time I showed hesitation we wouldn't be together today.

I loved him from the beginning very much I just didn't have the courage, but when I saw his face in person for the first time I did and that same day we became a couple.

[Malaga]

Sorry to be so negative, but it really doesn't sound like it's going to work out.

I wouldn't go so far, but I'm seeing lots of things here I don't like, too.
He tells you he doesn't love you or is in love with you, he's open to meeting someone else, he regrets you having high hopes about the relationship, and he needs to be with someone physically close to him. Say you go visit him next year and it all goes great, he falls in love with you etc. What happens when you come back home? Will he still be open to finding someone physically close to him?

Personally I wouldn't bother being with someone so wishy-washy. LDR is hard enough as it is, either you're in or you're out.
He obviously still has trust issues from his past experience. He may or may not get rid of them, but it's going to be a long and bumpy ride for you while he's trying to figure himself out, and like I said, it's already bumpy even when both people are committed. In my opinion, if he can't start with a clean slate, then he's not ready for commitment and I'm at a point in my life when I can't handle such guys.

But, people here have positive experience, and by all means take this chance and do go to see him. I really hope it all turns out amazing. Just make sure that, once you decide to call this a relationship, you have that conversation where he tells you in no uncertain terms that he's committing to the relationship and isn't just having a romance with you until he finds someone closer. (Or until someone "finds him", as he puts it.)

Best of luck,

xx