My SO's trust issues

[Laura_N]

This is gonna be a long one, sorry guys!

She told me it when we first started having feelings - that she has trust issues. She was in a relationship for two years before me where her girlfriend was a complete nutcase. In the our beginning (January/February) she was sometimes a bit jealous about things she had no reason to be jealous about. The jealousy passed, or at least she didn't talk about it to me.

Now I can feel the problems coming to the surface again... I'm not sure what brought it up, but she knows my friend is coming over for the weekend and a couple of days ago she jokingly asked me if we'll be sleeping in the same bed. Obviously I told her "of course not", and she said she was just kidding. Yesterday she was acting really weird. She was distant and not herself, but when I asked her she said she was fine. I thought I'd remind her that she's special to me and how I feel about her, and she said "am I? do you?" I told her I mean what I'm saying and that I'm not just saying these things. She said "I hope so "

I tried to reassure her and asked what brought that up, but got no answer. Some time later I told her how I felt, that I was scared she didn't fully trust me and that she doesn't always let me in. (She doesn't talk much if something's up). She didn't really comment it, and about ten minutes later I asked if she wanted to talk about it, and she said "I guess not".

Some days ago I also asked for her address, that she doesn't want to give me... "not yet". We've met and we've talked for almost a year soon, and I really wish I could sometimes send her a little gift, especially now that her birthday is coming up. I do understand why she doesn't feel comfortable sharing her address... As her ex harrassed her even after their relationship until she changed her phone number.

I do understand her and I have never pressure her. I'd like to talk with her about what's going on in her mind but she won't open up. It's a bit confusing to me hear her questioning what I'm feeling towards her. And I have to admit that yeah, it hurts, because knowing she doesn't trust me as much as I wish she did is hard to hear even if I know where her issues come from.

I'm just not sure how to deal with this... I asked her yesterday if she wanted space and she didn't. I tried to talk to her but I could just as well have talked to a wall. I don't know what to do when these moments come when she's feeling that way. I wish so badly I could help her gain more trust in me...

[leonsfangirl]

If she's been hurt then trusting others won't come easy for her. Just keep doing what your doing it and it will come in time. I know it's hard to deal with as i've been in the same situation with my SO. Just keep being open about your feelings and what your doing and she'll have no reason not to trust you. Just give her time.

[Malaga]

Well, first of all, maybe she was distant because of something unrelated to you. Stress at work or school, something she didn't feel like talking about.
But if you're convinced it was related to your relationship, then she's being quite passive aggressive with you. It's one thing to have traumatic experiences and trust issues, and it's something else when she treats you like you're on the opposite sides. I don't know how old you guys are but from your post it seems like you're a lot more emotionally mature than she is. Everyone gets insecure but if she's unwilling to talk about it at all, I don't know you could deal with that.

I think need to tell her frankly that she's been treating you unfairly. There are two people in this relationship and you both have to do right by each other. Sometimes people get so self absorbed they don't realise they're not being fair to the person they care about, and the only way to snap them out of it is to just say it like it is. Not saying you should be bitchy or cold, but sometimes sugercoating doesn't achieve anything. I understand her reservations in a way, but there really is no way for any relationship to work, especially a LDR, if both sides don't put trust in and communicate.

Honestly, I think she needs to get over herself, if she wants this relationship to grow. A new relationship is a clean slate, most people have some sort of emotional baggage that haunts them but that's why you have your partner to help you face it. Of course, you can't expect her to change over night and without your help, but for the process to start it's essential she steps out of her comfort zone a bit and communicates. If she doesn't, there's nothing you can do.

[Laura_N]

I don't know if it was or wasn't related to me, but she had just had a nice day behind her - she went out with her friend for dinner and it sounded like she had had fun. It was when she asked me if I was alright and I told her I was when it started. I don't think I was behaving any differently than usually but she kept asking if I was OK. Maybe she thought I wasn't the one opening up, I don't know...

I'd just hate to push her to talk to me, because I'm scared that would lead in to no good. She doesn't pull completely in to her shell that often but when it happens it worries me. She has told me she trusts me but based on how she sometimes behaves it just doesn't look like it. I'm sad because I'm sure it would be easier for her too if she was able to be more laid back.

Two different advices, to give time or speak frankly... Thank you very much for you both, but I'm still confused, heh.

[Rosebud]

Honestly, I think she needs to get over herself, if she wants this relationship to grow. A new relationship is a clean slate, most people have some sort of emotional baggage that haunts them but that's why you have your partner to help you face it. Of course, you can't expect her to change over night and without your help, but for the process to start it's essential she steps out of her comfort zone a bit and communicates. If she doesn't, there's nothing you can do.

It's not so easy to just "get over yourself" if you have been hurt in the past and are having difficulties in trusting your new partner. I have been hurt numerous times in the past and as bad as it makes me feel, even after almost two years, I still have problems in 100% trusting my boyfriend. There's a good chance the OP's girlfriend does feel guilty, but your feelings are not just something you can change simply because you tell yourself you want them to. There are some days I trust and confide in my boyfriend completely and then other days where our conversations sound exactly like what the OP listed. It's hurtful on both ends but telling someone to just get over themselves isn't going to help anyone.

OP, my advice is to do exactly as you have been doing already. Remain patient and keep reminding her of all the reasons you find her amazing and why you adore her. Getting angry or impatient, even though it's understandable, will likely make her feel even more guilty and pull in even more. It's just going to take time and if you can't send her gifts by mail perhaps send her little things by email or send her a video of yourself to show her you'd still like to do these little extra things for her. Best of luck

[Laura_N]

Thanks to you too, Rosebud I think that's what I'm going to keep doing, remaining patient and trying to reassure her the best I can. Luckily we already solved this and she spoke to me the next day!

[Laura_N]

I thought I could just as well open up about something else in this thread.

My SO is a wonderful person... She's thoughtful, caring, intelligent, sexy, kind, awesome... But... The trust thing is still there.
She's been working crazy hours at work, 12 hours a day, and now she heard her contract will end this month. It put her down, and obviously I understand it. The job wasn't permanent and has been stressing her a lot. We were chatting a few nights ago and she said that the job is all she's got, and that she doubts she'll get a hubby and kids.

This just kinda got to me because I'd like to think I'm part of her life, and that comment made me feel like I'm not. I understand she's going through rough time with losing her job, but... It just got me a tiny bit upset knowing now how she sees her future: alone. I can be quite careful too, but with her it often feels as though she's afraid of letting herself get in to a new relationship. She's told me she trusts me, yet a couple of times she has said "you're too good to be true". Well... I guess it could be seen as a compliment as well but to me it sounds like she doesn't fully trust that I am who I am, especially when she's raised that up when we've talked about trust.

I still don't know what to do. I've kept being patient, really patient... I support her the best I can but I haven't really brought up the things she's said. I don't know if I should tell her they left me feel a bit uneasy or not. I'd hate to upset her any further. The next time we see each other might be next month, or if we don't get it settled, then December. It will be the first time we'll be spending nights together, so I suppose it will put things in a perspective and bring us even closer. At least I hope so.

[Malaga]

It's not so easy to just "get over yourself" if you have been hurt in the past and are having difficulties in trusting your new partner. I have been hurt numerous times in the past and as bad as it makes me feel, even after almost two years, I still have problems in 100% trusting my boyfriend. There's a good chance the OP's girlfriend does feel guilty, but your feelings are not just something you can change simply because you tell yourself you want them to. There are some days I trust and confide in my boyfriend completely and then other days where our conversations sound exactly like what the OP listed. It's hurtful on both ends but telling someone to just get over themselves isn't going to help anyone.

I understand. I've been badly hurt as well. I remained single until I felt I was ready to give 100% again. My trust issues too resurface every so often - but I'm aware they're irrational and I know my boyfriend doesn't deserve to be treated in such way. There's a difference between feeling the way you do and being possessed by it. I'm moody or I snap, then I realise I didn't treat him right and apologise. Sometimes he takes offense, sometimes he doesn't, but we always work it through and it brings us closer.

Sometimes I'm aware it's irrational but I can't help it, I have to let it out. Sometimes I'm not aware, but then realising how it makes him feel serves as a wake up call. It's too blunt and insensitive to tell the person you love to get over themselves, so you should be gentle and kind, but essentially that's what they need to do. And when I say get over yourself, I don't mean stop feeling the way you do. I mean stop acting childish about it and allowing your SO to help you deal with it. It's wallowing that doesn't help anyone, not when there's a warm loving person on the other side who you care about, hurt by your actions.

To the OP,
I still suggest you be honest with her. Be as gentle and tactful about it as you can, but I think she needs to know how you feel. I know she's under a lot of stress and you want to protect her, but I don't believe hiding the fact you're hurt is going to help her in the long run, or your relationship.

[Laura_N]

Thanks to you too, Malaga. You have a point there!

[Miramaid]

She sounds just like my So only he is even worse. All I can say - good luck! It gets harder