Family Meeting

[bluishskin]

It's gonna be pretty long so please bear with me.

My SO has visited me 3 times and basically his family has asked me to visit them in Iran, something that I've been looking forward to. His family is very concerned that I wouldn't like Iran after we get married since I'm gonna have to live there for at least 2 years (my SO doesn't plan to live there permanently, he's looking for a job or PhD scholarship overseas). I understand that and I know at some point I'm gonna have to go there to see everything by myself.

But, well, it's Iran. My family doesn't allow me to go there alone because they are worried about my safety. I understand that and also agree that I should go there accompanied. My older brother is the perfect person for this, but unfortunately for now he doesn't have enough money to pay for the travel expenses.

So the next option is to meet up in Malaysia. His sister-in-law is going to Malaysia this September for a PhD and her husband (my SO's older brother) will join her in maybe 3-4 months to be with her for some time. He works in a ship so he can't stay too long in Malaysia. The plan is that my family will start to get to know his. His brother will represent his whole family since his father is very ill and his mother has to take care of him (the father).

I told him about this idea and he asked me, "After Malaysia, what's the next step?" To be honest, I don't know because it all depends on the result of the meeting. He and his family insist that I have to go there, before or after the meeting in Malaysia. Well, to me meeting up in Malaysia is better than nothing at all, at least there is a chance of my family meeting someone from his. The problem is I don't have even the slightest idea of when I can go there with my brother. Earning money these days takes time and it's not cheap to go to Iran. His family seems very reluctant to go to the proposal step until I visit them and see what Iran is like even briefly.

It is frustrating to think that it seems we will need a lot longer time before getting married, and it's unbearable to imagine that our relationship is over simply because of these technical things. I'm trying so hard now to stay optimistic and convince myself that there is always a way. It's just so hard I just hope things could go smoother. Sorry guys, I guess I just need to vent. Any comments and advices are welcome. Thanks for reading.

[snow_girl]

Could you not go to Iran yourself and have your SO meet you at the airport? If you are there to meet his family I can't imagine you would be on your own.

[bluishskin]

Yes I could and it's to be expected that he'd meet me at the airport. Apart from the safety reason, if my brother goes with me he can also see what Iran, its culture and his family are like. I know that to some people my family seems to be so protective towards me, but it's because that both my parents have passed away so my brother holds a big responsibility in taking care of me until I get married. It's just the way it is.

[Moon]

I know it's hard, but what his family is asking makes a lot of sense. You don't want to blindly move to a foreign country, especially one as restrictive as Iran, without seeing it first. His family is actually looking out for you with their request, as impossible as it may seem right now. I think you'll need to come up with a plan to help your brother get there somehow, although perhaps after meeting with his family in Malaysia maybe your brother will feel safer in letting you go. It might take more time than you hoped, but it's better to make sure you are OK with moving and that the family situation is taken care of and everyone feels good about it. While such a situation may seem strange to those of us in the western world, all in all, it must be a nice feeling to know that so many people are looking out for your well-being. Good luck!

[kteire]

As far as traveling to Iran goes, I think it gets a very bad rap. It's actually quite safe to travel there, and it's a beautiful country! I haven't been there personally, but it's a place I really want to go. I've had several female friends travel there in the past year or two, and they loved it. It has very low crime rates, and from what I've heard, people are very friendly. I traveled in the middle east while the US invasion of Iraq was in full-swing, and I was completely safe and comfortable. Granted, some bad things have happened there, but you can say that about most places. It's not as though you'll be going there and spending the entire time traveling on your own.
If you're eventually going to be living there, I don't think it makes any sense to meet up elsewhere instead of having the opportunity to see the place you'd be moving to. There's nothing to be afraid of, really. I'd say his family will take very good care of you, they won't let anything bad happen! And as long as you're a wise traveler, entering the country with proper visas, avoiding local politics, etc lol, you'll be ok.
You should ask your family to do some research about Iran. It's a country with a rich culture and an incredible history, and they may feel more at ease knowing more about it.

[bluishskin]

Thank you so much Moon and kteire for your support.

I guess it's better to wait longer and do everything step-by-step, all for good things. Will definitely think of a solution on how to get my brother to accompany me there. I really hope that the meeting in Malaysia will have a good result for both sides. My family really upholds eastern culture, and since my SO and I are trying to make our way towards marriage, it's important for my brother to come with me to Iran. I don't have any doubt that his family will take good care of me once I'm there, but yes my family just wants to make sure that I'm safe. Iran indeed looks like a very beautiful country with rich culture and arts. After watching a documentary made by BBC called A Taste of Iran, I've become more eager to visit the country.

[lucybelle]

Traveling or living in any country requires smart decisions. As long as you keep your wits about you and act like the locals would, I think you'll be just fine. Having just read an article about a woman traveling solo to Afghanistan (yes different from Iran, but similar in ways) I think going with a man is a huge benefit not only to your safety, but to your enjoyment of the visit. In very conservative cultures it is difficult for women to do things without a man "chaperon" so to speak (such as renting a car, going into restaurants, or even visiting cemeteries). It might take longer to organize a trip to Iran with your brother, but I believe it will be the best option for you. Good luck!

[bluishskin]

Thank you for your support lucybelle. Yes that is also exactly why my brother insists on going with me to Iran. It's all related to the huge responsibility he has been given since the passing of my parents. I can understand how he feels, thinking that his youngest sister is considering to get married with a man who lives in a country with a completely different culture and everything. So I guess I should be stronger and more patient, no matter how hard it is!

[GatoGirl]

I think it's AWESOME that your brother is so protective of you and takes his role so seriously! Family on both sides is so important, and sounds like both you and your SO have that solid grounding! And you are very, very thoughtful of your brother's perspective. Sounds like all of this is on a great start, with so many concerned, involved people!

[bluishskin]

Oh thank you GatoGirl. I really hope that by taking more time and going through all these processes, it will have a good outcome not just for me and my SO but also for our families!