No trust...

[screammaayday]

(This will be long, sorry!)

Okay, most of you don't know the story of what happened between my SO and I. Well, we just got done with a visit of two weeks about one week ago as of Thursday.

Now, the story of my SO and I is as follows...

We met online, about 5 and a half years ago, through our mutual friend, Leslie. I was very young. While being friends with my SO (Kaylin), we got very close. I discovered my sexuality around age 12, and she was one of the first people I told. She was there for me. Now, about a year or so after I started to realize I was attracted to girls, I realized I was starting to like Kaylin! Now, at this time, Kaylin liked our friend, Leslie. They were on and off and Leslie was just awful to Kaylin. I hated seeing her get hurt over and over again, but I was there for her through it.

Now, this happened for about a year. And in that time, when Kaylin paid no attention to me romantically, I met a girl named Brianna. Brianna did like me and showed me that. She led me on, though. Then, she hurt me. But I kept waiting for her. All the while, I still liked Kaylin.

Now, we are in summer of 2009. In July, I told Kaylin I liked her. I didn't think she took me seriously because I was playful, but I did tell her. She said she'd liked me, too. This is where it all began to go wrong.

I started to flirt incessantly with Kaylin. I am, a bit of a flirt and a sweet talker, but what I say, I mean, so I'm not playing anyone. All the while, Brianna started to flirt with me again. So I was now dealing with both Kaylin and Brianna.

Give it a month, and on August 12th, 2009, Brianna asked me out. By that time, Kaylin had really started to like me a lot. And I didn't want to hurt her, so I held off on telling her. When I finally did, she didn't take it well.

It was awful. She didn't talk to me for awhile, because she was hurt. I take full responsibility for what I did to her and I want that to be known right now.

Brianna and I dated for a year. It was god awful and there were so many signs, but I didn't pay any attention. I tried to leave, multiple times, because I wanted Kaylin. The whole time I was with Brianna, I wanted Kaylin. I'd flirt with Kaylin all the time and essentially, I emotionally cheated on Brianna.

I felt guilty for it and told Brianna. She forgave me. We stayed together until our one year anniversary, in which she broke up with me because she couldn't handle the distance. (She lived in Texas, me in Ohio.) I took a month of just being the flirt that I was and played around. I thought I was over her. So, on Kaylin's birthday, I asked her out. She said yes. That was September 7th, 2010.

Now, the breakup between Brianna and I was very abrupt. I never got closure, but I didn't harbor any feelings for her at all because truthfully, I never had any for her. I was just looking for someone to take away the loneliness.

So, during the year Brianna and I dated, I led Kaylin on. Yes, it was wrong and yes, I feel awful for it still. Kaylin tried many bad things in that year. Drugs, cigarettes, drinking. She also had several health problems during that time.

So, flash forward. Kaylin and I are dating. I have no closure from Brianna and Kaylin has started bad things. Now, I am completely straight edge. No drugs, no drinking. I've seen it ruin so many good things and I hate everything about it.

Kaylin likes to smoke weed. I tried very hard to deal with it, but I can't deal with her smoking. She agreed to stop, just as I agreed not to talk to Brianna.

Flash forward again. We're where we are now.

Now, in that period that I skipped, I had talked to Brianna multiple times, some with Kaylin's permission and once behind her back, which is where I finally got the closure I needed. This was in May. I finally got that weight off of my shoulders and I felt great. I was ready to live a happy life with Kaylin. Unfortunately, she was not. She told me she no longer loved me like she did. At this point in time, we had a visit coming in about two weeks, so we held out. She thought the visit would fix it, because we'd not seen eachother for 5 months. The visit did fix that. She fell completely in love with me again after she left.

Three days after she got back, I was asked to sign on to messenger. This isn't normal for her, we usually text/call/Skype. I sign on and she sends me history of my Facebook conversations.

I'd said about how I thought I had lingering feelings for Brianna. This is why I talked to her in May. I wanted to find out if I did, or if I just missed being happy, because Kaylin no longer loved me.

I found out the latter. Kaylin and I fought on for days and days over this. This started about a week ago now.

Four days into our tiff, she confesses. She's been high every single day, for a month or so now. That wasn't the icing on the cake. She also kissed someone else when we "broke up" for less than a day, because she felt she had feelings for this person. She said she felt nothing in the kiss. Now, before this, I'd asked her multiple times because I'd found loads of clues that she was going behind my back and getting high, and she would get mad every time and deny it. I believed her.

I was completely crushed. All my trust for her was gone. All her trust for me was gone.

Now, we are back together. We want to make this work, because we both love eachother and we want to be together. My question is, how on Earth do I learn to trust her again? I've given her full access to everything I have to possibly talk to Brianna on, to show her I haven't and will not talk to her ever again.

I don't know how trust her again, because she could do the exact same thing she did before. Get high behind my back and lie about it. And there's no way of proving she won't, especially since her very best friend is high all the time. And of course, Kaylin is with said best friend essentially every day.

Help me?

[Riyko]

without trust there is no relationship, what you two need to do is forget the relationship right now and work on your friendship and trusting each other again and then trying a relationship after that. If you don't work on your trust and friendship your relationship will amount to nothing and you'll fall back into the same problems over and over again.

[Tanja]

Wow. I hate to say it but it sounds like you 2 are a right mess. You've both broken each other's trust by acting behind each other's back. Personally, I would find it extremely difficult to build up any kind of relationship from there.

Secondly, I could never ever date someone who does drugs. Drugs make people lie and steal and can totally change their whole personalities. I would not trust a single word an addict tells me.

I think you need to REALLY take a good look at your 'relationship' and ask yourself is it good for you? Are you happy with her? Do you have the same goals in life? Would you trust your life in her hands? Is there more positives than negatives?

You need to do what's best for YOU in the long run and sometimes it means you have to let go of something you love. Or think you love.

[screammaayday]

@Tanja We do have the same goals. She wants to be a nurse, me a software programmer. Right now, essentially, she's 17 and wants to be wild and free, like her friends who are single. I'm not that way and that's where we differ. I have my fun, although she considers my versions of fun to be boring, but I'm also preparing for my future. I would like to have enough money saved for college and for travelling when I'm retired, so I try to keep that in the back of my mind when I do things. We both want the same things for our future, but we differ in what we want right now. She's a senior this year, so she's looking for colleges and such.

I do thoroughly agree on what you said about drugs. I never wanted to date someone on them. I had no idea when we first started dating that she'd even been smoking, but she told me once and that became a huge argument.

I've spent days upon days just thinking about what I want. I go back to the same thing every time: her. I want to be with her, so bad, and I want to make it work, but I've compromised as much as I possibly can.

At the moment, we're just seeing how the rest of the summer goes. Taking it day by day.

She wants me to trust her, though. To just trust her not to get high anymore. I told her I can't just make the trust I had come back, when all she's giving me that she won't do drugs is her word and that's shot to hell now from her lying about it.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I want to be with her, I love her so much, but I can't just.. believe her anymore.

[Moon]

I think you already know the answer to this, but just don't want to admit it You cannot have a healthy, loving, true relationship without trust, you just can't, love isn't enough unfortunately. Sometimes no matter how hard we try, a relationship just isn't going to work, and as much as it hurts, it becomes time to move on. If you two can't find trust, and can't believe what the other is saying, you don't have anything to build on. At 17, she may simply not be mature enough yet for a real relationship, and there's nothing you can do about that. Maybe that'll change over time and you can resume the relationship then, but for now, I'm afraid you're going to only end up hurt if you can't get that mutual trust.

[Zephii]

I think you're pushing yourself too hard to get that trust back. 1) she needs to earn it and 2) it takes time, regardless, so stop worrying so much about it because essentially you can't fix it.

I have a feeling there may be a case of "too little too late" here. Sometimes things can be damaged beyond repair, but no one outside the relationship can make that call.

I don't really know what you can do aside from just being the best person you can be, and staying true to who you are, and if that means cutting her loose for a few years until she grows up so be it.