Thoughts??

[mickey's bird]

If your long distance partner was going through something that consumes a lot of their time, would you wait? If so, how long?

My partner is going through a stressful and costly custody case as the moment and when it started, I decided that I was going to "step back" so that he can focus on that. The case is really ugly now and today we decided that we would put a hold on our relationship until custody is sorted out. Also, we have been arguing almost all of July and that has put a damper on our relationship (especially these last two weeks). Today I was at my wits end and was about to end the relationship and cut off all contact with him. However, I realized that I cannot do that as we became best friends since we first started communicating. He's the one person who gets me completely (I'm very good at hiding my feelings from others but not him and he's an ocean away) and vice versa. I can't picture not having him in my life. I am prepared to wait until everything is sorted out. However, I want to know how long is too long?

[kaitycat]

I think the important thing during times like these is to find balance between being there for your SO and giving them the space they need to work things out. Why do you feel you need to put your relationship 100% on hold while he's going through this? I can understand that this issue probably takes up a lot of his time and energy, and his kids should obviously come first, but I'm sure there are also times where he would appreciate your support, or your help getting his mind of the stress of the custody issue.

Life is complicated. There are going to be times when your SO is going through something heavy, and there are going to be times when you are going through something heavy and even times when you're both going through rough stuff at the same time. If we put our relationships on "hold" every time we had to handle something upsetting or complicated in our lives, we'd never have any relationships at all.

[Moon]

Nobody can answer that for you, it's highly individualistic and depends on too many unique factors. All I can say is listen to both your heart and your instincts, they'll lead you in the right direction. Custody is a very consuming, extremely stressful process, and his child(ren) has to come before you always. If you can live with that, and the lack of attention to you that kids cause, then you may be OK. You could always support him in this, it's very important, and when it's over, he won't forget it. I wouldn't wait forever, but if he's worth it to you, I would do it as long as I could.

[mickey's bird]

Thanks Kaity and Moon, I really appreciate your advise!!! Maybe "hold" wasn't the correct word, I should have used the back burner. I completely understand his child coming first and told him in the beginning that I would never put myself between him and his child. I know how important his child is to him and that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Today when I was going to cut him out of my life completely (he didn't know this at the time), he brought up the case and I realized that I can't let him go through this alone and we ended up discussing it and I told him that I would always be there to listen and offer moral support. It was exactly what he needed. In my head and heart, I feel know that he's worth waiting on. It's just that I have a few close friends and family members who prefer me to date someone in the same city (without any "baggage" and closer to my age).

[rivi87]

I've got a good example of this. My SO is currently deployed so communication is few and far between and we have no choice for it to be that way...and since we married of course I will stick it out :P And now there's a chance of me deploying so then communication could be worse than it is now...but in 9-10 months it will be over and I am willing to wait for our happiness

[Mara]

My SO went through a very busy time in his life for about the past year. He has been finishing up his graduate program, working part time, and participating in a lot of different organizations to better his chances of finding a job in his field. There was little time for me to be completely honest.

Things have gotten better now, but there was a period of time where he was just too busy to even communicate regularly. It was hard, very, very hard, but I understood his position and was content to wait on him to get things sorted.

I think everyone goes through times where they can't give their all to their relationship because of other factors. I think as long as there is an end and sight [meaning it won't be an everlasting situation] there's nothing wrong with waiting as long as you can.

[Mara]

My SO went through a very busy time in his life for about the past year. He has been finishing up his graduate program, working part time, and participating in a lot of different organizations to better his chances of finding a job in his field. There was little time for me to be completely honest.

Things have gotten better now, but there was a period of time where he was just too busy to even communicate regularly. It was hard, very, very hard, but I understood his position and was content to wait on him to get things sorted.

I think everyone goes through times where they can't give their all to their relationship because of other factors. I think as long as there is an end and sight [meaning it won't be an everlasting situation] there's nothing wrong with waiting as long as you can.

[krabuzh]

I cannot answer your question that asked "how long is too long", because it's only you who can answer it.
If you think that it's time to talk about your relationship with your SO, then talk with him.
But if you still have a doubt feeling about it, then don't do it.
But to end your relationship with him, do you think that is that what you really want to do?
Since you said that you cannot picture your life without him.
Anyway, the decision is in your hands.
Just listen to your heart and good luck with it!

[mickey's bird]

We have had lots of discussions about our relationship and we both love each other and will make time for each other and are trying to make a go of our relationship. Who knows what will happen in the future...