Back Burner Help!!!!

[Junebug]

Hello all,

I am not sure where to post this but I am in need of some advice. I have been in my LDR for over a year and things are great. It doesn't have anything to do with him and me but with my best friend and I. Every time he is in town even if it is just for a day or maybe even more she feels like I push her to the back burner. She understands that we don't get to see each other that much and that we need to spend all the time we can together when he is here but it still gets to her. The little green jealous monster comes out at that time. He is going to be here on Saturday night and all day Sunday and I am so excited I can't help it. I love being with him.

Basically I need some advice on how to help her not be jealous or how to help me not push her to the back burner when he is here. I just don't know how to have her and him in my life at the same times I guess.

I would love to hear any and all advice.

Thanks,
Jamie

[Moon]

If she was a true friend, she wouldn't mind being back burnered for a couple of short days. In an LDR, most of us don't get to see our SO's nearly enough, and that time together is precious. She should know that and appreciate it for what it is, and be happy that you're happy. Like the advice we always give around here for love issues, talk to her, really talk. Communication is the key to any relationship, not just the romantic kind. If she doesn't get it, well, she's just going to have to get used to it and deal with her own security problems herself. If you were CD, my answer would be completely different, but it's not like you do this to her everyday.

[Junebug]

I know that and she gets it and everything. She knows everything that goes on in my life and vice versa. We talk every single day and it the really kind of talk. She is so happy for me and everything that is happening in my life. I just don't know how I can not push her back in the back corner.

[mickey's bird]

As a friend, she shouldn't feel that way. She should be very happy for you and the time you get to spend with your SO. When I went to visit my guy, my friends just wanted to hear that I arrived safely and when I was back home safe and sound. They understood that we don't get to see each other often and want me to spend as much time with him as possible. No offense but your friend sounds very selfish. I had a cousin like that, she wanted all of my attention and I had to cut her out of my life because I couldn't deal with that.

---------- Post added at 10:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:56 PM ----------

If you don't want to push her to the back burner, how about you and your SO meeting her for a few drinks (if you're legal) or brunch/coffee the next day?

[Junebug]

I would love for her to be able to go out with us for drinks or what knot but she lives 475 miles away right now. She is moving here in the next month and so it will be different once she gets here. It isn't that she wants my full attention it is just that we always talk before we go to bed and when he is here we don't get to do that because my SO and I stay out for a long time and she goes to bed early.

I thank you both for your advice but it isn't helping any. I need to know how to help her and me in this situation not just hear that she is being selfish because she isn't.

[Yaaamiii]

Maybe she feels like she's only your friend when you don't have your boyfriend there?

[rivi87]

I had a friend that was the same way. She didn't understand that I didnt see him much and when I tried to include her she was really rude to my SO. It helped me realize what kind of friend she really was. I agree you don't get to see your SO that much and you see your friend then she should understand how you feel. its only two days...

[Junebug]

Okay maybe I shouldn't have posted this on here since not one person has actually given me advice just left comments. She totally gets that I need to spend time with him when he is here. She has been in an LDR before so she definitely gets it. She understands that she isn't just a friend when he isn't here and she isn't ever rude to him. They are actually friends and get along great. BTW, I don't get to see her that often either because she lives 8 hours away from me. I just need some help in showing her that she is just as important to me when he is here just as she is when he isn't here.

[ioanna]

maybe the 3 of you could hang out at home, like a skype date? watch the same movie for instance, that might be fun, and she might really appreciate the effort that you'd like to include her in an activity just as if she were living next door.

[Zapookie]

Maybe when you're with your SO, you can send your friend a text every now and then letting her know that you're thinking of her? Or saying that you wish she was there with you? Other than that, I'm not sure how else. Good luck

[Mara]

Okay maybe I shouldn't have posted this on here since not one person has actually given me advice just left comments.

Well, if you like, you can always close the thread.

But on to your friend, you say the two of you talk every night before bed, couldn't you make an effort to do the same on the nights he's there too? Maybe not as long as the two of usually talk, but surely you could take 30 minutes or so and talk to her and ask her about her day and tell her about yours.

I think it all comes down to prioritizing time. Also, I think the best way to find out how to make her not feel on the back burner is to ask her exactly what is it that you do differently while he's there that's bothering her so much. It must be some behavior that you are changing that is bothering her and making her feel less important. Find out what that is and you could remedy the situation.

[Tanja]

Ok.... First of all, you asked for advice and people gave it. If it's not exactly what you want to hear then don't get mad about it. Different people view things differently and sometimes it helps to see someone else's point of view, sometimes it doesn't. If you don't want advice AND comments then don't post.

I have to say that your friend sounds incredibly clingy. If she can't cope 2 days without talking to you then the problem is on her end, not yours. You keep saying she totally gets it and is happy for you yet she will get jealous and moody if you spend time with your boyfriend? That is not how a friend should act at all.

True friends know that you always have their back and that you will be there if they need you. When you don't talk fordays/weeks/months and reunite again it feels like you saw each other yesterday. THAT's what a real friendsHip is like.

MY ADVICE: I'm sorry but you just have to tell your friend to suck this up and let you spend some time with your SO. It's not like you're abandoning her forever. It's only 2 days ffs. She needs to grow up.

[WakeUpSusie]

I agree with everything Tanja said... I was actually typing out something almost identical when my computer deleted it.

In short:
Your friend needs to grow up and stop being so demanding of your time/being so incredibly clingy. It's definitely not normal behavior for a friend. Talk to her and let her know that the way she is behaving is inappropriate and that she needs to give you some space when your SO is in town so you can spend quality time with him as well. She doesn't own you or your time, and has zero right to make you feel guilty for spending it with someone else who is important to you. Tell her that if her irrational (and annoying) behavior continues, you will not be seeing her as often. I did exactly this to a friend with the same problem once and she straightened her actions out really fast. Please don't let this girl keep walking all over you.

[Yaaamiii]

Ok.... First of all, you asked for advice and people gave it. If it's not exactly what you want to hear then don't get mad about it. Different people view things differently and sometimes it helps to see someone else's point of view, sometimes it doesn't. If you don't want advice AND comments then don't post.

I have to say that your friend sounds incredibly clingy. If she can't cope 2 days without talking to you then the problem is on her end, not yours. You keep saying she totally gets it and is happy for you yet she will get jealous and moody if you spend time with your boyfriend? That is not how a friend should act at all.

True friends know that you always have their back and that you will be there if they need you. When you don't talk fordays/weeks/months and reunite again it feels like you saw each other yesterday. THAT's what a real friendsHip is like.

MY ADVICE: I'm sorry but you just have to tell your friend to suck this up and let you spend some time with your SO. It's not like you're abandoning her forever. It's only 2 days ffs. She needs to grow up.

Yes. Plus, no offense but you almost make it sound like you're in a relationship with her, not him. lol. It is just for two days, its not the end of the world. At least I would feel she was clingy. I guess you don't feel the same. But those are just two different points of view.

[Zephii]

Whilst I agree completely with what Tanja says I know that's not really helpful to you/ not what you're asking for. So, how about instead of calling her before bed, set yourself a little alarm on your phone around the time you'd usually call her and send her a quick text that says "Thinking of you even though I wont get a chance to call tonight. Hope your day was great, catch you soon."
That way she know's she's thought of, but you're not wasting precious SO time on your friend.

Taking time away from your SO to talk to her when he's only there a couple of days would be super rude, but there's no reason you can't send a quick message or two. "Having lots of fun, wish you were here too" takes only a moment to type.

Seriously though, have you given any thought to what it'll be like when you're living with your SO if you're still phoning your bestie right before bed? I really can't see that working too well in the long term.

Hope this was somewhat useful