Hey guys, I am desperate here. Pleading for some direction from those who know what I am going through. I know I'm a "new face" but I've been a lurker. I originally posted my introduction here and you can read my short story of who I am and about my relationship.
Back then that was just before we met in person for the first time. We had been "together" 3.5 months before that and have now seen each other twice more in the last 8 months. Phone calls/texts and skype has not only made possible, but saved our relationship during the long months between visits but I am so thankful for those visits. I can't explain that very first embrace each time we see each other. It's just as magical as our first one ever and OMG the embrace lasts for what seems like hours. It's never too long though before we are expressing our love in the one way we can't via 1000 miles apart.
From the very first caress, I knew he was the one for me and the feeling is definitely mutual. When we are together, there is no one, nothing else that exists. It's just him and me together, as it should be and our stresses of "real life" melt away and we create this dream world and happily exist as if it's the ONLY world. If you haven't read my intro- there are 4 other little people that most certainly DO exist and prevent us from being together for a long, long time. You see, we both are very proud parents of 2 small children each, both split custody 50/50 with our exes, and both cannot and will not either leave them, or take them away from their other parent to be together. My youngest is just almost 4 yrs old so we're talking possibly 14 years of not being together on a constant basis.
*deep breath*
11 months ago when we first met, we quickly had "the talk" about the future. We both agreed it seemed impossible and very scary to think about so we dangerously decided to continue living in the here and now. No plans, no real commitments because there were none to make. I had been married 16 yrs, and him 10, and having just both gone through our scary divorce processes, we were so happy to not feel alone anymore. Just the thought of knowing someone is there thinking about you and caring about the mere fact that you woke up today was such a nice feeling! We quickly found skype and began falling asleep together at night and I would stare for hours some nights at him sleeping and wondering if he was dreaming of me when he smiled. <3 It was so nice and I fell so deeply in love with this man and continue to fall further every day.
The problem.
He is a busy man. And when I say busy, I mean BUS-Y! He recently spent moths working on his dissertation for his PhD and I was so proud of him that I was happy to sacrifice my time so that he could work. Also, when he has his kids every other week for 7 days in a row, he devotes all of his extra time and attention to them (as it should be). I have the same issue with my kiddos but it seemed that I was a little more willing to incorporate him into my family time. That is, I don't mind having a phone convo in front of them, nor skyping so that they could talk too. As a matter of fact, he introduced me via skype to his kids (and mine too) about 2 months after we met. I have a great relationship with his kids (as much as I can having not physically met them) but we say "I love you" to each other and I adore them. This is what I don't understand... we used to keep skype running at night and I would have the pleasure of watching him go through their bedtime routine. Or maybe just a phone call where I would be in his earbuds, listening to him reading to them and whispering "good-nights" and "I love you's". It's actually a vital part of me falling for him. He is he best daddy I've ever known and without this insight, I may not have fallen the same way. So keep in mind...we *used* to spend a lot of time together with kids present but also keeping their emotions about it all an utmost importance. They all seemed to be accepting of the situation so it was all "good to go"
Over the months with his education coming to an end, a new and even more demanding career presented itself to him. One that would change his and his children's lives for the better and he obviously took it. I was/am so proud of him and it's, yet again, another huge reason why I love him so much. He is so focused and dedicated to making a difference in this world and the lives of his kids and it's a major turn on for me that he has that quality. But again...as you can see...this means less time for me.
He tries so hard to be available to me. I know he sends me quick texts throughout the day and that's more than many others get, but when you build your foundation in a LDR, there must be daily connection! Some days recently, I would get the last 5 minutes of his day before he was passing out. Before that for months, our long convo's via skype turned in to me watching him work but I was happy to just see him and hear him breathing you know? Months passed and I found myself growing impatient. We never "fight" but the few times we've had intense conversations it really shut him down in my opinion. He is so hard on himself and carries a lot of guilt anyway, so when I do say something, he is quick to take the blame and seems to go inside himself and reflect sometimes for days. For me, it just wasn't worth revealing my piddly complaints because I knew he was doing the best he could given the situation. I know that wasn't fair to myself but the way I looked at it, I would ask myself if it was worth losing him and the answer was always no.
*breath* (sorry this is so freaking long! LOL)
2 weeks ago lastnight, he was out of town on a business trip. I hadn't heard from him at all and saw that he had been posting on facebook. I know it's childish, but it really hurt my feelings that he could do that, but not send me a text or a phonecall. This was after weeks and weeks of me sacrificing time with him already and as much as he'd asked me to give him the benefit of the doubt, I found myself wondering if he was purposely pulling away. I emailed him. Long email short- it was mainly telling him I felt neglected, didn't even feel like his girlfriend, and asked him to work with me on this because I was in a lot of pain because of it and had been for a while. I tried to explain that I understood his schedule but maybe he just wasn't in the best position to have a LDR. I fully expected him to come back with an apology and an "I love you, let's work through this" but what I got was "I can't give you more than I can. I'm flawed, selfish, and greedy and I'm so sorry." Ummmm...wth?? This was NOT the man I have known. We had a TEXT conversation and I specifically asked him what he would tell his daughter if she were in my position, and he said "To move on"
I'm sure by now you can imagine my reaction. I broke. I knew, KNEW this wasn't what he wanted. He was playing the martyr and telling me I deserved better than him, that he loved me and I was the most amazing woman, etc etc, but he did not want to destroy the most beautiful soul he'd ever known and he couldn't continue if that was the cost. He was giving up on us and I was dying inside. He always does this. I've seen him do it with other friendships, he thinks he sees an inevitable finality and just makes the choice to cut them out. It's his protection. NOT OKAY with me! For days I behaved as if I was in the running for an Oscar. I cried, I screamed, I slobbered and snotted all over the place, I collapsed, I vomited, I slept (boy did I sleep), I stared, I listened to every song that meant something (which there were a ton) and repeated the same pattern all over again.
Friends told me to be strong and that this was for the best. They most likely never understood it anyway as they'd never had the chance to meet him. He wasn't real to them.
Hearing him tell me to move on and be happy was the single worst moment. None of it added up, I was blindsided. He swore to me it wasn't premeditated or preplanned, that he just couldn't hurt me any more if I was truly in that much pain from being with him (and feeling neglected, etc.) He had fears of being that man because his father apparently had been that way to his mother thus driving her to look elsewhere for love and eventually divorcing. So my single complaint hit very close to home for him. 5 days after we broke up, we had our first conversation on the phone. It was full of tears and emotions and surprisingly, love. It was so clear that this wasn't what either of us wanted but we just didn't know what to do or where to turn. I eventually learned that the very exact same night I emailed him about my feelings, he had just been delivered a massive blow from his ex. His biggest fear. He also had learned that his father had just been diagnosed with cancer. Then me. I told him I was not going to allow him to make this sort of decision about us under such emotional turmoil. It wasn't fair to me.
We've been talking more...actually we skyped 3 nights in a row this week! I promised him no more tears or expectations that I would just let it be so he could catch a breath. I asked him one day if we could still meet up in 3 weeks like we had planned and within 45 minutes he had booked flights, hotel, and car. LOL That was a huge sign to me. We need to be together, to feel each other again and remember why we sacrifice so much to be in this LDR. We are both head over heels in love, the situation just seems so impossible but I caught a glimpse of not having him in my life and it was such a dark and scary place.
I know there are so many more details I'm missing out to give a better picture of things but I've been typing for an hour and can't imagine how long this will look. If you are reading still, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I'd love to hear your advice or thoughts.
x
Back then that was just before we met in person for the first time. We had been "together" 3.5 months before that and have now seen each other twice more in the last 8 months. Phone calls/texts and skype has not only made possible, but saved our relationship during the long months between visits but I am so thankful for those visits. I can't explain that very first embrace each time we see each other. It's just as magical as our first one ever and OMG the embrace lasts for what seems like hours. It's never too long though before we are expressing our love in the one way we can't via 1000 miles apart.
From the very first caress, I knew he was the one for me and the feeling is definitely mutual. When we are together, there is no one, nothing else that exists. It's just him and me together, as it should be and our stresses of "real life" melt away and we create this dream world and happily exist as if it's the ONLY world. If you haven't read my intro- there are 4 other little people that most certainly DO exist and prevent us from being together for a long, long time. You see, we both are very proud parents of 2 small children each, both split custody 50/50 with our exes, and both cannot and will not either leave them, or take them away from their other parent to be together. My youngest is just almost 4 yrs old so we're talking possibly 14 years of not being together on a constant basis. *deep breath*
11 months ago when we first met, we quickly had "the talk" about the future. We both agreed it seemed impossible and very scary to think about so we dangerously decided to continue living in the here and now. No plans, no real commitments because there were none to make. I had been married 16 yrs, and him 10, and having just both gone through our scary divorce processes, we were so happy to not feel alone anymore. Just the thought of knowing someone is there thinking about you and caring about the mere fact that you woke up today was such a nice feeling! We quickly found skype and began falling asleep together at night and I would stare for hours some nights at him sleeping and wondering if he was dreaming of me when he smiled. <3 It was so nice and I fell so deeply in love with this man and continue to fall further every day.
The problem.
He is a busy man. And when I say busy, I mean BUS-Y! He recently spent moths working on his dissertation for his PhD and I was so proud of him that I was happy to sacrifice my time so that he could work. Also, when he has his kids every other week for 7 days in a row, he devotes all of his extra time and attention to them (as it should be). I have the same issue with my kiddos but it seemed that I was a little more willing to incorporate him into my family time. That is, I don't mind having a phone convo in front of them, nor skyping so that they could talk too. As a matter of fact, he introduced me via skype to his kids (and mine too) about 2 months after we met. I have a great relationship with his kids (as much as I can having not physically met them) but we say "I love you" to each other and I adore them. This is what I don't understand... we used to keep skype running at night and I would have the pleasure of watching him go through their bedtime routine. Or maybe just a phone call where I would be in his earbuds, listening to him reading to them and whispering "good-nights" and "I love you's". It's actually a vital part of me falling for him. He is he best daddy I've ever known and without this insight, I may not have fallen the same way. So keep in mind...we *used* to spend a lot of time together with kids present but also keeping their emotions about it all an utmost importance. They all seemed to be accepting of the situation so it was all "good to go"
Over the months with his education coming to an end, a new and even more demanding career presented itself to him. One that would change his and his children's lives for the better and he obviously took it. I was/am so proud of him and it's, yet again, another huge reason why I love him so much. He is so focused and dedicated to making a difference in this world and the lives of his kids and it's a major turn on for me that he has that quality. But again...as you can see...this means less time for me.
He tries so hard to be available to me. I know he sends me quick texts throughout the day and that's more than many others get, but when you build your foundation in a LDR, there must be daily connection! Some days recently, I would get the last 5 minutes of his day before he was passing out. Before that for months, our long convo's via skype turned in to me watching him work but I was happy to just see him and hear him breathing you know? Months passed and I found myself growing impatient. We never "fight" but the few times we've had intense conversations it really shut him down in my opinion. He is so hard on himself and carries a lot of guilt anyway, so when I do say something, he is quick to take the blame and seems to go inside himself and reflect sometimes for days. For me, it just wasn't worth revealing my piddly complaints because I knew he was doing the best he could given the situation. I know that wasn't fair to myself but the way I looked at it, I would ask myself if it was worth losing him and the answer was always no.
*breath* (sorry this is so freaking long! LOL)
2 weeks ago lastnight, he was out of town on a business trip. I hadn't heard from him at all and saw that he had been posting on facebook. I know it's childish, but it really hurt my feelings that he could do that, but not send me a text or a phonecall. This was after weeks and weeks of me sacrificing time with him already and as much as he'd asked me to give him the benefit of the doubt, I found myself wondering if he was purposely pulling away. I emailed him. Long email short- it was mainly telling him I felt neglected, didn't even feel like his girlfriend, and asked him to work with me on this because I was in a lot of pain because of it and had been for a while. I tried to explain that I understood his schedule but maybe he just wasn't in the best position to have a LDR. I fully expected him to come back with an apology and an "I love you, let's work through this" but what I got was "I can't give you more than I can. I'm flawed, selfish, and greedy and I'm so sorry." Ummmm...wth?? This was NOT the man I have known. We had a TEXT conversation and I specifically asked him what he would tell his daughter if she were in my position, and he said "To move on"
I'm sure by now you can imagine my reaction. I broke. I knew, KNEW this wasn't what he wanted. He was playing the martyr and telling me I deserved better than him, that he loved me and I was the most amazing woman, etc etc, but he did not want to destroy the most beautiful soul he'd ever known and he couldn't continue if that was the cost. He was giving up on us and I was dying inside. He always does this. I've seen him do it with other friendships, he thinks he sees an inevitable finality and just makes the choice to cut them out. It's his protection. NOT OKAY with me! For days I behaved as if I was in the running for an Oscar. I cried, I screamed, I slobbered and snotted all over the place, I collapsed, I vomited, I slept (boy did I sleep), I stared, I listened to every song that meant something (which there were a ton) and repeated the same pattern all over again.
Friends told me to be strong and that this was for the best. They most likely never understood it anyway as they'd never had the chance to meet him. He wasn't real to them.
Hearing him tell me to move on and be happy was the single worst moment. None of it added up, I was blindsided. He swore to me it wasn't premeditated or preplanned, that he just couldn't hurt me any more if I was truly in that much pain from being with him (and feeling neglected, etc.) He had fears of being that man because his father apparently had been that way to his mother thus driving her to look elsewhere for love and eventually divorcing. So my single complaint hit very close to home for him. 5 days after we broke up, we had our first conversation on the phone. It was full of tears and emotions and surprisingly, love. It was so clear that this wasn't what either of us wanted but we just didn't know what to do or where to turn. I eventually learned that the very exact same night I emailed him about my feelings, he had just been delivered a massive blow from his ex. His biggest fear. He also had learned that his father had just been diagnosed with cancer. Then me. I told him I was not going to allow him to make this sort of decision about us under such emotional turmoil. It wasn't fair to me.
We've been talking more...actually we skyped 3 nights in a row this week! I promised him no more tears or expectations that I would just let it be so he could catch a breath. I asked him one day if we could still meet up in 3 weeks like we had planned and within 45 minutes he had booked flights, hotel, and car. LOL That was a huge sign to me. We need to be together, to feel each other again and remember why we sacrifice so much to be in this LDR. We are both head over heels in love, the situation just seems so impossible but I caught a glimpse of not having him in my life and it was such a dark and scary place.
I know there are so many more details I'm missing out to give a better picture of things but I've been typing for an hour and can't imagine how long this will look. If you are reading still, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I'd love to hear your advice or thoughts.
x
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