My SO, his first visit AND his mother

[solarkissed]

Hello all.

I’m fairly new and this is actually the first thread I’ve started

My SO is only 21 (I’m 34) and lives with his mom. He works and goes to school – which I feel is very appropriate considering his age. He’s very mature for his age and I don’t usually think much of his age. However, lately, because he’s planning to visit me for the first time (Aug. 31), his age is coming up more and more lately.

He hasn’t told his mom much about me. I know she definitely doesn’t know I’m 13 years older than him; she may not even know I live in Texas. My SO keeps procrastinating telling her about his visit. He's the youngest of 5 boys, so he's the cherished baby of the family. So, he’s afraid there’s a good chance she may get upset and not approve, and kick him out of her house (despite the fact that he’s 21). He can’t afford to live on his own in NYC AND go to school – so, I understand his concern. But at the same time, I feel like he should be a “man” and talk to his mom, and that she should understand since he is an adult. But he does live in her house and should follow her rules.

So, there’s a couple things going on.

- It upsets me that he hasn’t told her about me other than my name and that I’m his girlfriend. (He claims they aren’t that close)
- I am also concerned that she won’t approve of his trip and that he’ll bail out at the last minute to prevent making his mom mad.
- It’s also possible that because of the strain she’ll put on him, he may resent me or our relationship.

I just really needed to vent and see if anyone had any feedback. Do I press the issue with his mom and encourage him to talk to her immediately (I’ve reminded him a couple times already). Or do I just assume he’ll handle it?

[snow_girl]

At 21 yea you are technically an adult. But when I was living at home at 21 I still had to obey my parents rules and their opinion mattered a lot to me. I can understand why he hasn't told her about you, like you said he's the baby of the family and when they find out he is dating someone closer to their age then to his they probably won't be cool with it. Give him time, I don't think its going to be an easy subject to bring up. He knows what he has to do.

[Sunbeam]

I would honestly bring it up to him, but not in a pressing way. Just tell him that it upsets you that his mom doesn't know more. I know, in my relationship (I'm 21 and my SO is 30), the more my family knew (they did get a little upset), but the more they learned to trust him, and in the end, it was my decision.
Now that we've met, they're a bit better about our relationship.
Best of luck to you! My PM box is open if you ever want to talk.

[Mara]

I definitely don't think you should press this issue.

He will talk to his mother, but I think he has a feeling she isn't going to take this well so he's trying to wait for the right time and the right approach. She should be supportive of his choices, but that doesn't mean she will be.

I think as far along as you guys are in your relationship she knows all she needs to know about you. Maybe it's just me, but I'm not one to tell my mother or anyone else for that matter, all about my personal life.

[Moon]

This can be a problem in a relationship with an age gap, at 21 he's still somewhat dependent on his family whereas at 34, you're way past that. You've got to think like a 21 year old and how you would have handled this then, although I do agree, it's really getting to where he needs to man up a bit. If he's a cherished son, they might get upset, but they aren't going to kick him out He may be mature for his age in most ways, but he's showing a little immaturity here by being afraid to tell his mom about you and the visit, he can skirt around the age issue if he feels it could cause issues. Good luck!

[CaptainKaz]

Maybe he really just isn't that close to his mother? I'm not close to my parents, and all they really know about my SO is his name and the distance between us. It's not that I don't love them, but like Mara said, I just find it uncomfortable bringing up my private life with them.

I haven't lived at home for a good six years so my judgement is a bit skewed, but even so - if he's a guy in his early twenties, it might be that he just doesn't know how to bring up the topic of his relationship with you to a mother who probably still wants to mollycoddle him a little before her chicks all fly the nest. I don't think it's any reflection on how he feels about you, or your relationship together, or even what sort of boyfriend he'll be in the future.

[solarkissed]

Thanks for all the input. It's really hard for me to relate to what it's like to be 21 living at home, only because at 21...I was independent, living on my own with a one year old baby girl. So, I'll not worry too much about him not talking to his mom about us or me, specifically. But I do think he needs to talk to his mom about coming to visit me fairly soon, seeing as it's only a few weeks away. But I'm sure he'll take care of it the best way he knows how. So, I'll chill for a few days and see what happens.

Thanks again, everyone!

[books]

Hey, first off congrats on the upcoming visit. The fact that he is taking the steps to come visit you shows that he is serious and it's great that he's willing to pull his part as well. On your situation, I do think you need to let him figure out the best way to tell his Mom. This is also a big test for him b/c he has to "man up" at some point. The fact of the matter is, just like you at 34, have faced criticism from friends about your LDR (due to age/distance) he will too as well as more details come out. So, he's told his Mom that you're his girlfriend...which is good and surely, in time he will need to come forward with more details. I think letting him decide how and when is appropriate to do that is best. When I told my Mom about my SO, she didn't speak to me for about a month afterward and still makes lots of disparaging comments. But I'm older and live on my own, so it affects me a lot less...also not super close to my Mom anyway.

There's an 11 year age gap between my SO and myself, and at times I do notice the difference. At his age (21) I was already working full-time while going to school and living on my own. Now at 32, I'm dealing with stressful stuff like how to pay my rent every month in super expensive NYC while paying off grad school debt. He really can't relate to that, but then I think you know what...he doesn't have to know exactly what it's like to go thru all this. I'm with him for the way he treats me and having different life experiences is pretty typical in ALL relationships, not just one with age gaps present.

[solarkissed]

Now at 32, I'm dealing with stressful stuff like how to pay my rent every month in super expensive NYC while paying off grad school debt. He really can't relate to that, but then I think you know what...he doesn't have to know exactly what it's like to go thru all this. I'm with him for the way he treats me and having different life experiences is pretty typical in ALL relationships, not just one with age gaps present.

I couldn't agree with you more! I'm with him for how he treats me NOT his life experience. And if his life experience was any different, he wouldn't be the same person that I love. Like, the other day...we had a discussion about 401K's - he had no clue what they were. I thought it was cute. LOL

So, yeah...he still hasn't told his mom that he's traveling to Texas on Aug. 31. I haven't brought it up. I'll give him another week to tell her before I ask about it. I know he's procrastinating - but I sure don't want him to wait until the day before to tell her. That certainly won't make her want to support our relationship. So, we'll see.

Thanks again to everyone that gave me input. I appreciate it.