NOT my day...

[folclor]

So, last night wasn't the best for me and I'll go into that at the end of this post (ironically) but today things were breaking right and left at work, and then I come home, start shaving my legs, and somehow end up cutting myself quite badly just above my ankle. I've just stopped bleeding and cleaned and bandaged the wound and cleaned the blood off the bathroom floor (there was quite a bit of it) and the first thing my dad says to me is, "You better put that towel in the washing machine before it stains." ...Gee, thanks for being concerned for me, Dad.

Anyway, beyond that, last night Alex was in one of his moods. When I say that I mean that every few months he gets extremely lonely and in a mood where he doesn't want social interaction whatsoever. Last night he was in one of those moods and we were talking a little bit and he asked me if I wanted to know what worries him most about the visit. I told him I wanted to know.
This is what followed:
"a situation of "right girl, wrong time"

if you get here, and i still just dont want to be in a relationship.

i mean i know i find your company plesant, find you attractive, and think i would do well with you, but at the same time it isnt all about you ^^;"

we went on in this conversation and I found out he believes that I am right for him, he just is scared that he isn't ready and that since he isn't ready this will be his only chance and he'll lose it and we won't be together again. I tried to reassure him as best I could but...I don't know how. I know how I would feel in that situation. Knowing he still loved me, knowing he still cared but just wasn't ready to go that next step, I'd still love him so much, but I would respect his wishes and it would hurt. I told him I'm willing to wait because, honestly, I am and I feel like he's the right one for me, as well, so I'd rather put myself through that than try to find someone new.

Still, the question in my mind remains...How do I reassure him that I'm not leaving so soon?

Edit:

He reinforced a little bit. It's more that he knows I'm the right girl for him, he's just scared that he won't be ready. Please don't respond with, "If it's right it'll all fall into place," or, "What's meant to be will be." While those are nice to hear in a comforting way I don't believe they're always true though, in the right circumstances, I have used them myself before (when I felt they were true). Please don't use those here. I also know a lot of Alex's history that I'm leaving out so please do not imply that because our relationship is not similar to your own in certain aspects (for instance, if you and your SO communicate about everything) there is something majorly wrong with our relationship. People are different and, therefore, every relationship is different. I do not mean to be rude, I'm simply stating that, while everyone's opinions are based on their own experiences, our relationship seems to be slightly different from most of yours in that we are more reserved and have not jumped into anything as of yet. We moved quickly in the beginning, backed up, moved quickly again, and that cycle seems to continue.

I understand there are those of you who haven't met your SO IRL yet and you're sure you're going to spend the rest of your lives together and I applaud that. I hope that I get to spend the rest of my life with Alex and, from what he's said, he feels that way about me, however as he's proposed to someone and then basically got his heart torn out and ripped to pieces by that girl, we're in no hurry right now. So, while I'm happy for all of you who are moving quickly and have no walls up, please do not criticize Alex for not being ready to take that step. We will do what is right for us in our own time.

Thank you very much for your time.

~Marian

[woop woop]

Crikey Marian, I bet that convo did not make your day. But on the bright side, at least he's comfortable enough to be complety honest with you.

I think that the only way you can reassure him that you're not going anywhere is...to not go anywhere. If you honestly feel that this relationship is worth a shot, then that's what you've got to do. I've read your previous posts, and it seems like he's going to feel unsure until you meet and that's not too far away, so hopefully he will feel more definate then.I have never met anyone online, but I imagine I would be hesitant to commit until I did. But remember, it's not all about him either! From what you've said, it's all about his feelings. Your feelings are just as important, and you are too fabulous a person to be strung along.

[Rach321]

I agree... I struggle with insecurity in my relationship, like your boyfriend does. It comes from my past history in relationships- being with men who I truly believed loved me, but the timing just didn't work out or they weren't willing to truly commit to me. My boyfriend and I have a bit of a rocky past as well. I've known him for over 8 years. We dated off and on for 2 years when we first met, but it just never worked out. We'd get close and then he'd push me away. We were apart until 2 years and some months ago when he told me he wanted to be with me. It has taken me a LONG time to truly trust in his committment to me and to rid myself of the worry that he's just going to wake up one day and decide he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm fairly confident of his committment now- We've had our rough patches and he hasn't gone anywhere, we talk about our future together, etc. I feel like until we are actually living together in the same place, a part of me will always be a little uncertain. (Of course, there is always a risk that one will be hurt when they give their heart to someone else.

I'm sure that he does care for you, but he's afraid of being hurt. Just remain consistent with him and eventually he'll see that your relationship is not going to be like the ones he's had before.

[Caitlin2009]

Just tell him what my girl often tells me when im afraid she'll leave.... "im not going anywhere, your stuck with me whether you like it or not :P you will always have me so im not going anywhere" just keep telling him that and tell him not to worry so much, it might be his one chance but he'll do it right! my issues stem from having friends that would leave me after awhile after getting close to them and telling them everything they would run off and leave, and then my ex who often threatened to leave me if i was in one of my moods so i understand where he's coming from

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

I like the "You're stuck with me whether you like it or not." I had to reassure the guy now and then in the beginning. He was just a little worried, and rightfully so....his ex cheated on him and broke up with him while he was away. I'd always tell him, "I'm not going anywhere. I can assure that. Nope, you're stuck with me forever and ever and ever and ever and EVER!" I think it's nice he shared it with you. That tells you something. I do agree with Woop that it's not all about him either!

[folclor]

heh, thanks, all of you.

We didn't talk much tonight, he was cleaning his room and I think it made him feel a little better. But he did text with me for a while before he went to bed. He said one thing that really made me smile:
"I know this conversation isn't much but I want you to know I really care about you and wish to be here for you if things are not feeling alright."
I think...what I've failed to get across to the community at large is that Alex has the best intentions in the world. He's a kind and sweet man. He's a self admitted asshole sometimes but even that I find charming in all rights. The reason he holds back so much is that his relationship past has left him extremely jaded. While I believe he knows I'll be different from his exes, he doesn't want to bank on that just yet.
Once he explained how he felt to me. It went a little something like this:
"So...imagine there's a stained glass window and someone comes along and they throw a rock through it. Then another person comes along and rebuilds part of it but gets bored so that person throws an even bigger rock through it. Then a third person comes along. This next person spends 2 years trying to restore this window and gets it to where it's almost perfect, almost completely back to its original beauty... then comes with a sledgehammer and bashes it into a fine dust."
Basically, it's a miracle he's giving me a chance so it says a lot about his feelings toward me that we're even sort of in a relationship. I believe that we'll come out fine in the end, either as extremely close friends or together for the rest of our lives. Neither of us could accomplish something heinous enough to destroy the trust we have and we know each other well enough that...well, basically tonight he said that I probably know him better than anyone.

Thank you all for your responses.

[Caitlin2009]

i understand that he's very jaded with it, but like i was trying to tell you before(i was too tired last night to think properly) most of us have all been in horrible relationships before so we have our own little issues god knows i still do a bit, but certain things you can work out even online. I know for a fact that she is not like my ex and is not gonna screw around on me behind my back, and even though we havent met yet i know that i feel incredibly safe and very loved even if were seeing each other on webcam or talking on MSN. Things like trust can still be worked out online he just has to open up and not hold things back, and dont force it out of him but this is what worked when me and Denise started dating i knew something was wrong but she would either tell me "im alright dont worry" or "its nothing im fine" and then i would talk about other things with her eventually that gave her the green light to tell me what was wrong. the only time i would ever force it(well not really force but you hopefully get the idea) out of her is if i knew in my heart she was in danger, i'll just say this she had a few narrow escapes from her highly abusive ex while we were first dating if i knew that then it scared me and i wanted her to tell me what was wrong.