Having a DTR

[alw83]

Okay this may be a bit long so.please hang with me. Any advice would be welcomed.

In January I met my SO online via eHarmony. We began by talking there via their communication and then we began to email with each other February through April. In May he said he wanted to talk and hear my voice so we started to talk on the phone and then Skype too. This summer we have communicated talking on the phone and skype and texting as well. We get along really well and a few weeks ago he booked a ticket to come visit me for four days. Obviously things are going well.

Here is the thing. It is obvious that we are getting along well and that he is invested in this. However, we haven't had a DTR (define the relationship) chat yet. I'm not sure what he sees this as exactly. Are we officially going out? Are we exclusive? In my mind I want to be exclusive and official, but I don't know what he thinks. I want him to be the leader of this relationship and to be the one who takes the lead and says I want this to be official. However I feel like perhaps he thinks since we met on a dating site and since he's coming to visit me that it's just an unspoken, but I need to hear it I guess.

So I was thinking do I bring it up before he comes? Should I wait until he is visiting and bring it up if he doesn't? Or should I see how the visit goes and talk with him after that? I also don't want him to think that this time has not been important to me. Like maybe if he assumes that it's just been an unspoken he'll be upset that I didn't think that too. He might also be upset because I waited so long to ask, but he might also be waiting until we are together to have this talk.

So what would you do?

[xnavylovex118]

I would actually wait until the second day of his visiting. It gives you both time to test the waters, and to just be together. Maybe cook him a nice meal at home (or go out to eat somewhere), and sit down and talk about where you see your relationship going. It would be much less awkward than just bringing it up so suddenly. You can ease the discussion in by maybe saying how you feel, or how much your enjoying having him there with you. It would make it a lot easier on the both of you, rather than having you stressing as much as you are right now. I hope that helps. :]

[NaNi]

My SO and I were in the same situation. We emailed every day, sent text messages, had long Skype talks and lots of other things, but we never had "the talk". One day my SO was having a BBQ at work and for some reason I felt really insecure. I wanted her for myself. I didn't want her to flirt with other people. So I sent her a text message, asking if she's still looking for someone or... from that day on we were officially girlfriends.

[Micah]

I'd probably wait to see how it goes in person. If it's going well, then have "the talk" during the visit. That would make it more special, imo.

In our case, we never had "the talk", my BF just started referring to me as his girlfriend. So, sometimes talks aren't necessary, but if they give you a sense of security and knowing where you stand, then go for it.

[Snap]

We never had one of those talks either. Similar to Micah's story, one day my boyfriend referred to himself as my boyfriend so that's how I knew. I'm in agreement that it would be best to wait until you guys are together and have spent some time together rather than springing it upon him.

Best of luck!

[princessmeg1328]

I agree with Micah and Snap. I would definitely wait a few days and see how things are going before having that talk with him. I think that doing it in person will make more special. Good luck!

[HollzHeartsChris]

I don't think you should rush into anything. Take it slowly the first few days, and then after a while of getting used to having each other around, perhaps you could casually bring it into a conversation and discuss things with him? I agree with everyone above, waiting awhile is your best way forward

[Yaaamiii]

I'd wait till you guys are together in person. This didn't really happen to us. It was more like we spent hours talking on msn and then he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. :P So that's how it happened for us. But if this had happened to us, I probably would wait until you guys are in person and then talk about it. Best of luck!

[lucybelle]

I've always hated "the talk". But you gotta do it. I really like the idea of waiting until the second day he's there to bring it up. Good luck and have fun!

[alw83]

Thanks for all of the advice. I have felt that waiting until he is here is the best way to go about it too, but it is good to have some confirmation that others agree. It would be really nice if he just said something about being my boy friend or me being his girlfriend and then it would all be known, but we'll just see what happens. Thanks again!