Where do you draw the line?

[lucybelle]

My SO is Hispanic and I'm from the USA. We live together now in his home country. The thing about Costa Rica is there is still a lot of "machismo" in the culture. Meaning women clean the house and men work for money. Sort of imagine the USA in the 50s. My SO is definitely not machismo, he helps me clean and cook all the time. But when we go out, he never lets me speak. For instance, we go to a restaurant and we decide what to order. The waiter comes and my SO will immediately order for himself, and me. Any time I need another drink, he'll ask for me. Sometimes when the waiter asks me something, he'll turn to me and start to translate into English even though I'm quite capable of understanding and speaking Spanish. I'm not sure if he's being polite, or if he's over stepping me because of a cultural thing. It's starting to bother me because I feel coddled and like he doesn't think I can do it myself.

Do you think he's being nice or being chauvinistic?

[Riyko]

i think ordering your food for you and asking for refills for you is nice, but i think he's overdoing it and becoming chauvinistic it could be because you are in his country and that's the mindset over there, but the translating what the waiter said would be too much for me unless i directly asked him what the waiter was saying. I think you need to sit down, talk to him and let him know what is okay and what isn't and example is: say i know you know my spanish isn't that good and i appriciate you translating what they are saying to me in english, but next time please wait until i ask for something to be translated before doing it.

It could even be that he doesn't realize he's doing it.

[snow_girl]

I agree that maybe he doesn't realize. It could be that he is just trying to help out with the language thing and thinks it is easier to order for you. Anyhow, it's like they always say...talk to him about it, I'm sure he has no idea.

[London-FortCollins]

I agree with snow_girl and Riyko, it is likely that he doesnt really realise how much it has the potential to upset you, possibly combined with the fact that that is generally how things are "done" in his country.

Have a chat with him about it, see what he says and take it from there. I'm sure he loves and respects you enough to realise what he's doing and dial it down a notch.

Although I do think ordering for you and getting your refills can definitly be sweet and romantic, as long as its not down-treading you intentionally.

[Dziubka]

I think I know exactly where you're coming from.
Poland isn't exactly famous for its modern gender views either ;-)

There's some things that I will probably never get used to or that make me feel really awkward.
But my boyfriend ordering for me in a restaurant or getting another drink is not one of them. I actually quite like that, even though, it took some time getting used to in the beginning. Especially when the waiter wasn't even looking at me in the first place - ugh.
In our relationship I'm the more bilingual one (even though my boyfriend is getting better at German really fast) so I sometimes over-translate for my boyfriend as well. It's not meant to be patronizing or anything, I just sometimes 'forget' that he already understands quite a lot, especially since we don't speak German together (or not a lot anyway).

I suggest you talk to him about it though. Ive had to to tell my boyfriend "I'm very well capable of doing [whatever] on my own. I appreciate your help but it's really not neccessary." before and it worked really well Although I guess I confirmed the stereotype of German women being butches and over-emancipated...

[lucybelle]

Thanks for the replies! I'll go talk to him. I just didn't know if I was over thinking everything. Being too... I dunno... independent? Like RAWR!!! I CAN DO EVERYTHING MYSELF!!!!

[uniquefem]

I think he just being nice to you, without knowing that it does bother you if he babysit you too much!

hehe... its just like me.. i dont like if anyone "take care" of me. I used to do thing my own... but with my SO its different. He ....baby sit me and its quite annoying sometimes... but all i could do is enjoy it as much as possible. I just think oh well.. he's the only one who spoil me up.. like really took care of me (sometimes i had to tell him that im not 5 years old).

As long as its still comforting and not ..errhh annoying its ok.. everyone had their own limit i think, its different to everyone. If you feel its too much you should talk with him for sure.

[Caitlin2009]

i think hes trying to make you as comfortable as possible since your so far away from your family, but he's over stepping his bounds a little bit and you should talk to him