Concerned About His Attitude, Advice Please

[Anolinde]

Hey guise, today is Erik and I's second anniversary. Last year I made a big deal about it, I got all dressed up and pretty for him on webcam and I had mailed him a homemade card and a nice big letter. But he just didn't have the same enthusiasm as me. He had basically said to me that it was just another day to him, nothing to get hyped up about...something about loving me everyday not just one special day because all are special to him. Meh it really didn't sink in and I had doubts he cared much at all about it. He didn't get me anything last year, nor this year. So I guess because of the fact I felt so stung about it last year, this year I didn't make a big deal about it at all....The only gift I gave him was this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jdobv1CtZLo Which I was basically waiting for the perfect time to send to him. But that was about it, he was in bed all day today and I had stayed home waiting for him, hoping we could spend some time today together to at least make up for the lack of enthusiasm...it just seems like an all around mess to me...like we both don't even care anymore...I'd really love your opinions about his lack of enthusiasm and if it's a red flag, sorry for the wall of text.

[sugartonic]

my friend's boyfriend is like that. he doesn't give him anything that big for valentine's or her birthday. i was the one who was pissed actually. but he promised her the world. he offered her marriage, which in turn, help her fix her immigration status here. she didn't ask her to do it. she was staying legally that he didn't need to marry her. but he offered and insisted because, not only does he love her, but it will help her have a better life. and they started as an LDR for 3 years! now, they're married for almost a year now.

guys sometimes wouldn't do small things that we do to them that are sweet. but you'd be surprised by how much that they can actually offer you in the future if they really love you.

[Mara]

Everyone is different and some people simply don't make a big deal out of anniversaries, but if it's important to you then it should be important to him. I don't think any of this is a red flag, but I think the two of you could have communicated about this issue much better. Even though he explained why he felt the way he does, I don't think you are really happy/satisfied without doing something so some compromise should've been met and it wasn't. I'd just talk to him, explain how you feel, and maybe try to set up a late date on webcam to celebrate?

[nicole]

I know for some people those things just aren't important to them, it's not necessarily a red flag, it's just not how they are is all.

Does he do other stuff with you the rest of the year, like skype dates etc? Have you told him at least acknowledging the special day is important to you? If it's upsetting you, you should talk to him about it. Like "I don't expect the world, but a "happy anniversary" and some of your time would make me so happy". I would just think about what you want when it comes to celebrating stuff like that and talk it through though, or else you're just going to get upset every time it comes round.

[Anolinde]

Thanks, No we don't have " dates " And it isn't often we do cam to cam... he's usually multitasking also, I don't often have his full attention at all...I know I should have, I was just worried talking about it would spark a fight...considering I suppose I still harbored bitterness from last year....in his defense he did say happy anniversary and we did have some time on webcam but it was really late and I was too tired and just wanted to sleep...

[LilyChiba]

Trust me, I can definitely relate on a few things said here. When my SO and I had our anniversary this year, because of the time difference it was a huge mess. He thought it was the next day and I thought it was the day before that. I had thought he had forgotten and instead of focusing on me like I thought he would have, he was rp'ing with a few other people (logged onto a chat with a couple of names). I got majorly upset at this and actually blew up at him over it. Well, it resulted in us spending some time together the next day, but it was still frustrating as all hell at the time.

We don't cam often either and currently he has a broken mic and cam, so I'm getting neither. It really helps to affirm the relationship for me by seeing and hearing him, where I can't do it physically, like gives me peace of mind. Also, when it comes to him not having his full attention on me when I do happen to want it, BIG FLAG. I've felt like that for months, because he's always on multiple names and doing other things like looking at youtube or watching stuff, he tends to respond a lot slower and I feel a lack of dedication that I give to him. I drop everything I'm doing to respond asap, but don't get that back.

Regardless of this, I know that's just how he is. He doesn't do it intentionally. I don't think he even realises sometimes he is doing it and that it is hurting me, until I start acting up. My only problem is I sometimes can't talk to him over it because he gets annoyed or angry, very defensive. Last time this happened he actually listened and was calm with me, so we are getting better with that. He's not the expressive type, but I am very expressive.

I guess what I'm saying is men can be different to us. Just because they don't seem to care, doesn't mean they don't. I talk to mutual friends that know my SO irl, and they say when they talk about me, he sometimes sounds and looks like he's deep in thought or suffering from the distance. You may not see it in the text, but actions speak much louder. If you were face to face, you would see how your SO is feeling. It's just much harder to communicate like this than voice and physical. Don't let this kind of stuff get you down. He obviously shows you he loves you in his own ways, by saying every day is special with you is one way. Some people just don't know how to show their love as easily as others, nor realise that the person they love might feel neglected because of it.

[Anolinde]

Thanks Chibi, yeah I feel your pain, though Erik says his lack of undevided attention is his ADHD i suffer from the same thing, but he's a multitasker, a gamer, it's what he does and I do get used to it. I also persuaded him to read the " 5 Love languages " book...it says that everyone needs and shows love differently and how to love your partner the way they need etc. He's trying I just struggle with being patient...I think I'm trying to understand the difference our relationship is from when it started, we used to cam everyday, and then it became less and less and yeah I miss seeing him regularly and having that support and comfort.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Everyone does things and expresses themselves differently. Some people like to make a big thing of an anniversary, or even monthsary, a bit like my SO and myself. Other people are quite content to not really do anything at all. It differs between people and to be honest, I wouldn't worry about it too much Perhaps your SO is just one of those guys who doesn't voice his feelings very well, or finds it hard to tell you how he feels exactly Just be patient and don't fret, I'm pretty sure he loves you very much but doesn't express himself as much as he perhaps should.

[xnavylovex118]

I can understand why you would find his actions to be hurtful, and even hold some bitterness over the fact that he wasn't as excited as you. But, everyone is right when they say that every one is different, and to most guys anniversaries aren't really that big of a deal. I watched it first hand for years with my parent's own marriage. My mom always wanted to go off and go out to eat or exchange gifts to celebrate, while my dad really didn't have a care in the world and would simply just say happy anniversary. He viewed it as every day they spend together is special, and he shouldn't have to choose one day to celebrate that. When you really think about it, your SO's views on it are actually really sweet. To him, it's almost like every day together is a form of celebration as to how much he loves you, and your anniversary is no less special just because he doesn't feel the need to celebrate.

My SO and I don't even actually celebrate the day we got married, and the only thing we do to celebrate the day we began dating is to have a meal that we have cooked annually for it for the past 3 years, going on four. We say "Happy Anniversary" but, we don't feel the need to exchange gifts, because really, an anniversary to us is about the days we've been together being just as amazing as the last and the ones to come.

I hope you and your SO can find some common ground with the situation, and I wish you nothing but the best with your LDR. :]

[rusty15]

I don't think you should worry, most guys "don't care" about anniversary's like girls do.

[JennyRW]

I don't know what to think because I understand that for him his birthday is not big deal, but in all of this time he suposed already know that for you your birthday is an important day, so he should do something to make it special for you...

[Miramaid]

my BF is like that. It upsets me but what can I do? That is just how he is

[milaya]

My SO and I don't celebrate anniversaries.
Of course I'm the one who keeps track of "how long we've been dating" and then I tell him if we hit a special day (like when we had been dating for 500 days and etc.) but, besides that. Nothing really. He wouldn't even remember our anniversary, if it wasn't because he has written it down.
We're probably that kind of couple who won't even celebrate our marriage anniversary (we probably wont be together on that date either). And I actually forgot the date we got married when I was asked last month and my SO had to correct me.
So yeah... to some people anniversaries are a big deal and to other they're not. I don't think any red flag are needed at all.