Making-up - LDR-style?

[lunamea]

I guess you know the feeling when, after a fight, you are not mad anymore and ready to make up, but your SO isn't yet. They are still pouting or mad and refuse to reconcile so quickly. I've found that this is a situation usually easily fixed CD, but so so hard to fix LD. When CD, physical touch alone might do the trick and you have much more time to just be with each other without talking and can just wait for the other to get back to normal. That is, of course, not the case in most LDRs, where you usually rather opt for hanging up than for the awkward silence that you get when your SO is still mad and doesn't want to talk. Most of the time, my husband will continue being mad until that stubbornness of his makes me mad again and we're back to the start! So, how do you overcome this dilemma in an LDR?

[Caitlin2009]

well if we have an argument before she logs off i apologize profusely, when she does log off for the night i send her many offline messages telling her how much i love her, how sorry i am, ect whatever comes to mind i do, and when she comes online the next day i apologize more and show her the things that i made or wrote out to her

[Zephii]

We never used the phone, we skyped, so it never cost me anything to sit though those awkward angry silences, not that there were ever that many. I'm a talk-it-over-now kind of person, so I usually managed to get Obi to talk the subject to death with me, and then we'd just lay down *together* and let the bad feelings run their course... and occasionally there would be make up phone sex. It wouldn't be the first time where one of our fights were ended with the words "Ok, can we skip to the make-up sex?".
When an issue was too big for makeup sex, I'd just stay with him, reassure him, tell him that I was just going to sit companionably, not multi tasking, just being there for him. We've never hung up while angry.

[garnet]

For Rane and I, getting on webcam seems to be the only thing that helps, other than just fighting it out for hours.

[agentholli]

I have not had this issue with my bf now. My past LDR, the only thing i could do was give him space. Be confident in the fact that he loves you, and he will make up when he is ready. Good luck, i am sorry you have to go through this.

[Veiled_Dreamer]

We discuss it profusely. He's willing to just let it go, he's very good at that, but I'm paranoid and if I don't cover every single detail of what's getting to me, it'll at me and suddenly everything he does is secretly something trying to get back at me. So the discomfort lasts days on end if we don't get it all out that night or the next. I'll tell him I'm so tired of being mad and I just want to *cuddle*. In LDR, communication of feelings is really super important. If you don't want to argue anymore, then say it.

I agree with talking it out on webcam/voice if all possible. Situations don't always allow that, and text is better than silence if you want to talk it out, but with the voice it's easier to hear sarcasm/joking tone/not seriousness/intentional exaggeration. While your SO wouldn't normally get angry over a text misunderstanding, if you have voice it'll be one less thing to explain and argue about. You can also see facial expressions and it's easier to believe and accept they're really remorseful when you can see it on their face.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

We don't really fight or argue much. We're bother pretty laid back. We're also both really big on communication and "let's talk this out" so that's what we usually do. BUT....

Some times I get upset over stuff that I know isn't a big deal, but I still can't help getting upset.....I usually just tell him I'd rather not talk about it, I need time to cool off. Usually a little bit of time passes and I just get over it. Or if some time passes and it's still a big deal to me I usually opt for email. I'm better at writing how I feel bc I get too emotional when we talk about it.

Some times he's just stubborn too. He just refuses to "understand why I'm so upset." Then I just get more upset because he doesn't understand. It never lasts more than a day or so (usually) and we usually just get over it.... It's not usually anything too serious!

[xsomanymilesx]

we havent had a full blown argument yet but i think the best tihng would be to cool down by logging off and doing something else so you dont say things you'll regret, maybe sleep on it and then send them an email or talk to them on IM Skype or the phone whatever works for you
im sure and some point i will be asking myself the same question, what do i do? but not yet
i hope other people have better advice than mexx

[Sixx]

We rarely argue, but when we do we just talk it out.
He doesn't really get upset, but sometimes I need some space and alone time to cool off. But after all he ends up sending me a couple of texts as to make sure I really am okay, hahah.

It'd be a lot easier with a hug and a kiss ..

[Kiyenna]

We talk. He never goes to bed without fixing things and he never lets me do it either. I think that has really helped us a lot. Also sometimes one of us will do something to show we're just tired of fighting and want everything to be okay. Like sometimes he tells me he loves me. I know it sounds weird, but I like to know that even when he's mad, he never forgets that he loves me.

[Caitlin2009]

mmmmhmm i'm the same way, i never like to say good night angry to her, anytime we have an argument we talk and figure it out, and even if were super pissed off we never forget to say "i love you" to each other. If its a huge argument which is rare we wont be angry but we wont be happy when we say goodnight and i never like those days, because they always bother me and i hate saying good night in a not nice way!

[Sara]

A lot of the time, if either of us isn't happy after a fight on the phone, the argument will move to email. writing things out, without an immediate response after everything you say, it's easier to finish an argument and be able to move on. this helps me when i'm the one who doesn't want to drop an argument and get over it.

if awkward silence is a problem, after arguing, sometimes it is good to move on to a different conversation - about a tv show etc, that will move a way from the fight.. this allows everything to cool off for a while, and then things can be more easily resolved later on.

[polkapiggy]

A lot of the time, if either of us isn't happy after a fight on the phone, the argument will move to email. writing things out, without an immediate response after everything you say, it's easier to finish an argument and be able to move on. this helps me when i'm the one who doesn't want to drop an argument and get over it.

After arguments, Alex and I will often only talk over email for a day or so because after I have fought with someone, I need my space and email allows me to phrase everything right without blurting things i don't really mean out. It also allows me to think about what has happened and to write through my thoughts. After an argument, Alex often follows up as soon as he can with an email apologising. He often says things he doesn't mean when we fight.

[FireflyGal]

Zephii, I totally love the bit about not hanging up when you're angry....maybe it's just because of the kind of person I am or the way I was raised, but I really believe that stopping the flow of communication between people in an argument just makes things worse. Usually, I find that when you can make yourself stick it out, devoting your full attention to the other person, and make a choice to listen (with the intention to understand) rather than talk (with the intention of being understood), things seem to become a little less crazy.

But things happen--arguments do happen. I guess the key is figuring out how to let them happen, and make sure that once they're over, the subject is over and closed for good (ie, no lingering hurt feelings, resentment, or frustration...no misunderstanding....nothing swept under the rug.

[lunamea]

I cannot help but be amazed and envious of you people... you seem to deal with this much better than my husband and I. We're both really stubborn, and he is especially so when it comes to making up after a fight. I also don't believe in stopping to talk after a fight, but it's the only thing I can do with my husband. It's not like he hangs up on me (although sometimes he makes it abundantly clear that he's not willing to stay up and will just say "bye" over and over again until I say "bye" too and he can hang up), but he'll just not react to anything I say and that "awkward silence" is very painful for me. I will usually change the subject and talk about "normal" things again, asking questions in order to get him to talk, but he just won't respond - usually I only get mono-syllabic answers (a lot of "ok" and "so-so") and shrugs. There's no way my hb will say anything nice at all when he's mad, he usually not even says "good night". Sometimes I even ask him to say something nice to me to not end on such an angry note, but he'll just be "I'm mad, I can't say anything nice." *sigh* I've also written him emails, but he generally doesn't respond to them. And then I get pushed into a situation where I find myself sending him nice ecards or whatever to get him to talk again, when I don't even feel like I should be making that effort because it might not have been my fault in the first place. I don't see why I should always be the one to make that extra-effort when he usually doesn't even apologize after he's back to normal. Once he's talking again, he just wants to forget everything we said as if it never happened...