hoping for the best...

[Chris'_Princess]

There is no doubt about it...my relationship with my man has had some rocky times...most of them happening well before we became long distance. I feel like we've been through hell and back, but we always make up and are happy again. This time around...we've been trying to make up for far too long...but I think it's starting to pay off!

What happened?
We've been together for over five and a half years. We've been happy and are attached to each other when we're together. We were forever spending weekends together...going to movies, seeing his family, spending time in the city, and just being together. All was great...until I decided to move back home with my family 3 hours away...the mistake I made? We didn't talk about it as a couple. I now regret the choice to not discuss it with him further and to even move home. You may think it would be great to move home right? It has it's ups...no rent, minimal bills, support from family. But the downfall is my family is very traditional when it comes to who you date...meaning they don't like my SO because of the fact he's asian...which sucks, but Chris and I have dealt with it and are learning to deal with it to make things work. With that being said visits to each other were out of the question...and with our schedules it was already difficult to see each other. The first few months at home were difficult. I had to relearn how to live at home, find a job, and figure out how to make sure I made Chris happy. About 4 months after I moved home I was able to get a weekend getaway to head to Chicago to visit my man! We spent our 3 year anniversary together and it was AMAZING!! I didn't want to leave...it felt so good to be back home! I thought we would be able to survive after that visit. About 2 months after that visit we had a HUGE argument...I'm not even sure what it was about anymore. The result? He wanted a break! I thought I was going to die! How much more of a break did you need? I was already 3 hours away and have seen each other in forever! And our communication was already lacking! Still, he pushed for it. I never really agreed, it just happened. The mistake we made here? We never set boundaries about the break. Which is no excuse, but still...there should have been some sort of discussion about it. After that we talked very little...and I mean we went from talking almost every night to talking for 5-10 minutes every 6-8 weeks. This went on for a year and a half. I had been faithful and begging to "lets fix us". I was doing everything I could to show him that he's still my love and that I wanted to be with him.

I had begun to feel like he was pulling away even more and that I was losing him. It didn't help that I was helping my friend get ready for her wedding (Chris and I have talked about marriage from the beginning). In August last year I ended up reconnecting with a guy I new well before meeting Chris. At first it was just friendship. We agreed to meet in person finally(we met the same way Chris and I did...just never met since he was in the army). We texted for a week straight before getting together. Our visit was fun! It was good to finally meet! The downfall to the meeting...we brought up old feelings from years ago and we ended up cuddling and kissing. Chris knew that night when we talked...he asked me about it(stupid me posted on FB that we were hanging out that day). I wasn't about to lie to him. It was by far the worst conversation we have ever had. It was the hardest conversation to have...especially at 3am! I hurt him pretty bad. He feels like I've cheated...and I can see how he would feel like that.

A year has gone by. Chris and I haven't really talked about what has happened...until recently. Over the last year I have called and texted and sent countless emails. I knew we needed to at least talk about things. He needed to hear my side of everything. I sent him an email about a couple weeks ago telling him how I felt about everything and that we needed to talk and plan one visit...even if it could potentially be the last one. Well, something in that email sparked something because he called me a couple nights later and we talked for over an hour about us. I've talked to him more in the last two weeks then I have in the last year and a half! We are no where near a happy ending, but I feel good about us. I feel like we've made a step in the right direction.

I'm not even sure it's going to work out or if we have a future anymore...all I know is that I want to try. Our relationship will never be the same...I can only hope it will get better.

So that's the story. The reason for posting? I need some ideas! I'm trying to find ways to show him I still care, that we can make the distance work. How do I keep this happy momentum going between us?

[Miramaid]

I think out the two of you you are the one who has been showing him that you care. it is his turn. I mean he is the one who wanted a break, he is the one who obviously was ok not communicating with you for over a month and keeping it at a bare minimum (not you!). You do not even know if he had slept with other women or not, but he is a young man and i mean a 1.5 years break?? C'mon! Seriously? Now, you sent him emails and asked to talk and explained yourself (you did not owe him an explanation! You are on a "break"!). BOTH of you (not just you) did not set any boundaries so I bet you it is possible that he is not innocent himself.
Stop beating yourself up trying harder. You have done enough! All he did was pulling back. Now it is his turn and the ball is in his corner. Keep your head up! If he wants you then let him work for it.
As of you moving and not discussing it with him, I think it was not the right thing to do. So that explanation and how you feel about it you should talk about. And talk about solutions. Do not waste the time and energy to blame each other. What is done is done. Now if you want to get together talk about how you can be together

[Zephii]

Miramaid has some stellar advice there! I couldn't put it better.
Don't take crap, seriously. When you talk, outline exactly what you want in a relationship, and how you want to achieve that, and if he can't meet those needs, move on. I know you love him and have a long history, and I believe everyone deserves a second chance, but still... don't keep waiting around for him. It's not your job to carry the relationship alone.
Peace, Love, Carrots!

[pytsip]

If the whole thing is stressing you out because you're wondering how to show him that you still care or that you think the distance can be overcome, then tell him. But don't feel like you need to be redundant, if you've already said it in the email that you sent, assume that he got the information out of that email that he wanted to get out of it, if you continue to say it, it's just going to bother you because it's really just you saying it to get it out of your head. What I suggest is maybe if you keep a journal, writing it down in there if it still bothers you, but only say it once to him. From there, as Miramaid and Zephii said, the ball is in his court. He can take what you say and translate it into that you still care and that the relationship can work out, and he can decide to pursue it, or he can take from it that you still care but he's just not ready. The only thing you can do is be patient and wait to see what his decision is. In the meantime, of course you should continue to talk to him, talk to him like you did when you two first met, but just keep in mind that it could go one way, and it could go the other and don't get discouraged if things don't work out, it sounds like you found your way without him for a year and a half, and you will find your way without him again if things don't go in the direction of a relationship.