Things people not in an LDR don't seem to understand...

[srigg009]

So, tonight I am sitting in bed, waiting around for my SO to call and my roommates come up and say "I know you don't smoke but wanna come sit in our hookah circle?" I was like "I don't know, I kinda don't feel like it"; eventually I get pressured into going to sit with them for a few minutes just to be somewhat social. The whole thing was, I was waiting for my love to call and he never did, I had tried calling a few times so at that point I was just worried and didn't feel like doing anything. I feel like people who aren't in an LDR don't understand what its like to care for someone hundreds of miles away. They don't get why we wait around for phone calls, Skype dates, etc. It's because we love and care for this person so much that we would rather focus our lives around them than parties and booze. When I'm worried about my man, I don't want to go out and party or hang out with friends, I want to make sure that he's okay before I do anything. Is this unreasonable? What are some things that you feel people in "normal" relationships don't understand about us couples in LDR's?

[11MikesGirl21]

I won't be going out with my friends to clubs and to Canada this school year because of an agreement and understanding with my boyfriend. I have some friends who get it or just don't wanrt to fight me on it because when we were CD last year I didn't even go out then and others who don't and were insistant that I go out. It is very annoying especially since my boyfriend and I were CD last year and now we're LD. So my friends don't exactly "get it" yet.

I'm VERY new to the whole LD thing myself, but I can already tell that just talking online and texting are going to be cause for difficulty. When we weren't LD we could text throughout the day and then see eachother face to face afterwards and explain ourselves if we had to. Now not being able to see eachother or hear the other's voice (my calling plan sucks, but my texting one is great, so we're relying on that) the emotion or how somethng was meant to be said is lost. It's already gotten hard. I thought it'd be easy, but there's a definite learning curve.

[Kerry]

I've found that sitting around and waiting happens A LOT in LDR. you just never know when you're going to get a message or call from your SO. many times I've stayed online late at night hoping to hear from mine and he never showed. that was frustrating. people in LDR face unique challenges that CD couples don't. that's why they're more stressful I think.

[pytsip]

I think that that's more of a couples versus single's thing. I know a lot of people in CDR's that don't go out and party as much as they used to because they're spending time with their SO. The thing is, I was used to spending so much time with Andrew before he left for China that partially I had to take on a single mentality when he left. I don't mean that I went out and tried to pick up every guy at the club, or even danced with guys, but instead I spent a lot of time with my girl friends, trying to keep my mind off of the fact that Andrew wasn't there. Of course, I would always make sure that I was home in time to talk to him on Skype, but still, I did go out more when he was away. Now that he's home again, I am not going out as much, I want to spend time with him, and it's much better spending time with him while cuddling on the couch, maybe drinking a glass of wine with him, and falling asleep together than it is going out and getting plastered and then stumbling in and wondering how either one of us got into my bed the next morning.

The one thing that does bother me that I think that most people in CDR's don't understand is the commitment and trust that has to come with a LDR. I had so many people telling me "Why are you staying with him, do you really think he's being faithful to you, he's all the way in China, talk about different area codes." It really irritated me, because I did trust him, and I knew he was committed to me. People in CDR's are so reliant on the physical aspect of the relationship that I feel like the miss out on the emotional and mental connection that we in LDR's have to rely on. It's a lot easier to trust someone who you know intimately on an emotional and mental level than it is to trust someone who you're with partially because they're "good in bed".

[ashleecarol]

I have done this many times. My mom has gotten upset because I wouldn't go out with her because I was waiting for my SO to call me. I have had friends who called me "lame" because I had to leave to go talk to my SO. One of my friends who made fun of me had his guy deported in the war and he immediately came to me to apologize. He now understands how hard it is and what it feels like.

Another thing CD people don't understand is how we keep the spark alive between us without being able to physically touch each other. I had one friend who is very "vanilla wafer" with her sex life. (AKA: bland, boring, not open to new things). She does not understand phone sex or getting on skype to see each other more intimately. She thinks it is weird and doesn't understand how it could be sexy to us (get us off). She admitted that she couldn't do a LDR because she needs the physical touch too much.

Those are my experiences. It can get very frustrating.

[leonsfangirl]

I don't think people can fully understand a LDR until they have one themselves.
It's a completely different style of relationship and brings with it it's own set of rules problems and plus points. My mom can't believe how long my SO and i spend on the phone in a single sitting (anything from 2 hours to 6 hours is the norm but we have managed 11 hours straight). I had to explain that is our time as a couple, we can't come home from work, eat together and watch tv. Everything that happens in our days happens without our partner being there so theres tons of things to talk about. That voice at the end of the phone brings us comfort when we need a hug and can't have one. It's what we cling to when we feel low.

[kiara_silver]

I don't think my family fully got how i felt. My mom before he came said that she hoped that i would still spend time with them, and when he was here was upset that we didn't spend more time with her and the family. He was here only for 53 days! And we stayed a whole week with them, but they don't understand how little time that is to be with someone you love. And then not being able to see him again for months. I don't think they know just how hard this is for me. Before I got comments about being desperate, that im with my SO because he's the first guy to give me attention and im just looking for an easy relationship. How wrong that is! It would be so much easier to date someone closer. Im not saying im amazing, but there are guys nearby who wouldnt mind taking me out. If i wanted easy and convenient i wouldn't be with my SO. But they don't see that this is a real relationship, this one is built on a deep love, bond, and trust. Like when i told her i was talking to my SO before, her reply was "you know you don't need to talk to him everyday" like wow. really? I don't get to see my so like never. Sorry i talk to the one i love. Things like that frustrate me, they have no idea how it feels.

[laura95]

Completely understand. So many times I've had people talking to me about my boyfriend moving away & they say "oh, so you're staying together" & I'm like...yeah? A relationship is a relationship, what does the distance matter? Since I'm only 16 most of my friends just can't seem to comprehend how I'm prepared to spend so much money on train tickets, or try to organise so much of my time around my boyfriend so I can see him. My best friend said to me the other day "you can't organise your life around him" but if I didn't, I'd never see him!!! Unless you're in a relationship, you can't understand what someone else in a relationship feels, I noticed that a lot with my best friend because she was single most of the time. Now I'm starting to notice the same with LDRs. If you're not in one, you can never 100% understand how someone in that position is feeling, or how they've got to act/ change their habits or whatever. Annoys me so much. That's why this site is great, there's so many of you in my position online, yet not 1 I know in person! EVERYONE understands me here! It's such a relief.

[ClipitsWings]

Besides the basic "how can you love what you can't see? How can you love what you can't touch?" bit, there seems to be no understanding of the commitment, especially if you've never met. I was told it wasn't worth it, I should raise my standards (by someone on heroine no less), and have been ridiculed for even wanting him around. My mom thinks I'm delusional half the time, "you don't think you're saving yourself for him do you?!", and just gives me this whom shaming pity deal about how if it weren't for him I would have a real boyfriend (which I wouldnt LOL), like he's not a person, just a mindset "holding me back." people just don't get that they're people it seem, and that all the emotions are real. The big fun one for me is that I want to study abroad in Australia to have time with him outside of uni. Whenever I mention that goal, a lot of my friends look at me like I'm being stupid to spend so much money for someone (which really is about the same as a normal year of college, everything included). People are silly. Of course I'd want to sacrafice for him, especially if it doesn't feel like a sacrifice. :P

[WhiteValkyrie]

I think the best way to explain to them is to ask them to picture what it would be like if one of their friends or lovers were suddenly moved away to a different country and they never knew if this person was OK, still liked them, etc.

Don't give into peer pressure, BTW, including the pressure not to feel. Loving is important.

---------- Post added at 03:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:44 PM ----------

I think that this is why long distance relationships are a thing of the future, the newest, best thing. We can use the internet and phone to test each other's strength of character- do we really love each other no matter how the other one looks? Do we really need to have sex every night or touch and make out to be in love? Stuff like that.

---------- Post added at 03:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:46 PM ----------

I had one friend who is very "vanilla wafer" with her sex life. (AKA: bland, boring, not open to new things). She does not understand phone sex or getting on skype to see each other more intimately. She thinks it is weird and doesn't understand how it could be sexy to us (get us off). She admitted that she couldn't do a LDR because she needs the physical touch too much.

Your friend sounds extremely shallow. Did you explain to her that you don't apreaciate the quality of the sex, but the fact that it is with someone you love? did you tell her that twisting erect body parts into groinal caverns in itself is, er, a bit of a weird practice?

---------- Post added at 03:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:49 PM ----------

My best friend said to me the other day "you can't organise your life around him" but if I didn't, I'd never see him!!!

I can't wait until he or she gets married. Bet they'll bolt out the door before "wasting" their time on committment!

[HollzHeartsChris]

I don't talk to many people about my LDR because most of the people I know and my parents just wouldn't get it. They wouldn't be able to accept it. It's why I turn to you guys so much because you understand me and understand how I feel. People in CDRs don't seem to get that what we have in an LDR is not easy, it takes patience, effort and above all else, communication and trust. People I know don't understand why I would rather be in an LDR over a CDR: it's not that I'd rather be in an LDR, I'm forced to because of my SO living in another country. I don't want to meet someone over here and settle in a relationship with them because I love my boyfriend so very much, and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else in the world. People don't seem to get how what we have isn't just a stage, it isn't fake, it's REAL. No one truly understands how it feels to be in an LDR unless they're in one themselves and that's the sad thing.

[Kristin91]

The thing that annoys me, as others have mentioned, is how little people seem to believe that your feelings are real. A lot of my friends thought I was nuts to go out with my SO, and they don't understand why we do spend hours talking on Skype, or texting all the time... They only really began to understand once they saw us together after he came to visit. I think they could see how good we are together and that neither one of us is "faking" our emotions. I've also had people tell me that being in an LDR is easy because you can do what you want when you want without having to worry about your SO being around all the time, but what they don't understand is that him not being around all the time is the really sucky part about an LDR. I think people are starting to believe that our relationship is "real" now because we've been going out for 10 1/2 months, but it shouldn't take 10 1/2 months for them to realize that an LDR is a real relationship too!

[Ms.Justine]

Ahhh this topic I could just talk about forever... Well I definitely know how it goes both ways because my previous relationship was international we lived in different countries and I found myself waiting on his call, or text or waiting for him to sign in...Just because we lacked that physical contact on a daily basis... Whereas now with my CD relationship it doesn't mother me as much if i don't get a text as quickly as I was expecting or if he doesn't call me for one or two nights. However, I will admit it still hurts that they are not present especially the transition from a CD relationship to a LDR is a difficult adjustment at times.

I do feel though that my friends are more accepting of my now LDR because we started off as a CD couple. But my previous SO my friends and family we're accepting but to a different extent. A lot of them I felt we're just "being nice" but many would make comments to me like, "How can you even be in a relationship with someone that lives far away?" or "That isn't a real relationship it's just a friendship because it lacks physical intimacy/contact" So I know how much it hurts, and I understand your frustration.

All I can say is be strong, and if you can feel it then it's real. I love this quote from A Walk to Remember, "Our love is like the wind you can't see it but you can feel it."

[srigg009]

All I can say is be strong, and if you can feel it then it's real. I love this quote from A Walk to Remember, "Our love is like the wind you can't see it but you can feel it."

I've never seen that movie, but that's a great quote! I might have to watch it sometime. .... But yeah, I find the same things happening in my relationship. People try to tell me its not gonna work out or that our love isn't real. Its not until recently that I think people have realized just how real our love is; it amazed me when my family started mentioning my SO and I getting married or having kids. I was like "wow, they finally get it!". My So and I have been together for a year and 7 months so I have no doubts about us lasting, both of us have agreed we aren't going anywhere and when we are together its just amazing. I also feel like we are connected on an emotional/ personal level far more than someone in a CDR could ever be just because we do spend so much time just talking (on the phone, internet, etc). What's weird is, my SO and I are both super shy but when we get together we can talk for hours about anything and everything. It just feels amazing and I know he's the one for me.

[Ms.Justine]

Aww, I'm glad to hear it! Yes I totally know what you mean. With my SO now I feel that I am finding out more about him because we lack the physical connection now it's really a learning experience. Yes watch it! It's very bitter-sweet though that's all I'll say! Where are you and your SO?