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**Minerva** · September 3, 2011, 10:02 AM

Take a breath.

OK, he lied. Very not cool. Not cool to worry you, not cool to keep it going so long. He's wrong, 100%.

But try to take a step back and get a bit of perspective: he lied about his passport. He probably thought he'd find it right away and it wouldn't be a big deal, but when he didn't, he was already committed to the lie and kept it going.

Lying isn't good, but not all lies are equal. He's not hiding another woman, he's covering up the fact he's disorganized. It's the kind of lie my 9 year old tells me when he doesn't want to get in trouble with something he thinks he can fix before I find out about it.

I know you're still reeling from your fight, and as I said, lying is never a good thing, but this isn't a huge betrayal, it's more like a stupid fib. You're absolutely right to be angry, but the fact that he lied over a passport shouldn't be a deal breaker.

You say you love how honest he is. But everyone lies or fibs. He's not going to be perfect, and sometimes he's going to be stupid, just as you will be. Because we're all stupid sometimes. Expecting perfection from your SO is just going to lead to heartbreak.

So you have to ask yourself: do you think he loves you? Do you think this lie is an isolated case or a pattern of dishonesty? And do you think that once the raw emotions subside, you can have a calm talk with him about this and resolve it and put it firmly in the past?

**pytsip** · September 3, 2011, 10:30 AM

I'm going to quote a song, because I feel like it kind of puts perspective on your situation (and actually I had a situation that it put a lot of perspective on recently).

We all have a weakness, some of ours are easy to identify, look me in the eye and ask for forgiveness we'll make a pact to never speak that word again, yes you are my friend.
(This phrase: Everyone has a weakness, whether his was that he didn't want you to think he was disorganized, or some other thing, that is his weakness, it may not be easy to identify the actual reason why he did it, but just understand that there's probably an underlying reason, and it's probably to protect his self image. Has he asked you for forgiveness, if so, then you should try to put it aside, understand that this song is saying that we all have weakness, and you should accept his just like you would like for him to accept yours, then agree that it won't happen again, he won't lie to you, and all is said and done

we all have something that digs at us, at least we dig each other, so when weakness turns my ego up I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.
We all have something that bothers us, in your case, the lying and dishonesty really bothers you, it "digs" at you, but you love him, and the lying was minor, it wasn't like he is cheating on you, and so you have to put your ego aside. In his case, maybe the idea of people thinking his is disorganized digs at him, he's protecting his ego, but if you care about him, look back at who he really is, and try to disregard this minor mess up.

If I turn into another dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me, sing this song remind me that we'll always have each other.
Try to disregard this and look at the reasons why you love him. Focus on the "better part of him" and, as I did in my situation, think of this song

I know this is a unorthodox reply, but I really believe that I couldn't possibly say it any better than Brandon Boyd did in these lyrics.

If you're interested in listening to the whole song, it's Dig by Incubus.

**Mara** · September 3, 2011, 04:19 PM

*hugs*

Lying is about the one thing I cannot tolerate, but about a year ago there was an instance where my SO lied to me and then confessed to me that he had lied. He was looking for apartments as his lease was up at his old place and he really wanted to live at these certain apartments, but there was a waiting list. I told him that I thought he should put down a deposit somewhere else just in case he couldn't get in at these apartments so he'd have somewhere, at least, to live. I asked him about it again some time later and he told me he had put down a deposit. When he got in at the other apartments, he told me that in fact he had lied so that I wouldn't worry.

I flipped my lid basically. One because he had lied and two because he'd done something so idiotic.

But in the end, I loved him and in my opinion, it was a foolish lie sort of like the lie your SO told you. Did your SO tell you why he lied? I'm guessing it was because he didn't want you worried about his passport being lost or he was too embarrassed to tell you that he had misplaced such an important document. The thing about lying though is afterwards you are so committed to the lie that you can't seem to come forward with the true which is why I don't think he told you sooner.

I'd forgive him, but I'd also make it clear that if he lies to you again you won't tolerate it no matter what the reason.

**WakeUpSusie** · September 3, 2011, 07:20 PM

The same thing basically happened to me but with a different issue.

When I finally found out he was lying, I COMPLETELY flipped a shit (trust me, it was warranted) and basically told him that I didn't sign up to be lied to like that when we started going out and I wasn't going to tolerate it.... I kind of gave him an ultamatim; do it again, and I'm gone. That was almost three years ago.

Where are we now? Well, he's currently sleeping (and sleeptalking?!) next to me in bed. He never did it again, and I doubt he ever will. I think I kind of scared the crap out of him lol.

Lesson I learned: You can't put up with stuff like that and don't be afraid to set boundries in regards to stuff like that. Be VERY firm. If he is genuinely sorry, accept his apology and move on. Just be wary in case something fishy happens again in the future.

**Jezah** · September 3, 2011, 08:50 PM

I did forgive him, but I did, as wakeupsusie said, flip a shit. I cried, got cold and shut down and cried some more. I don't yell or scream, but I get really really icy then flip back to sobbing mess. However, oddly enough, after its cooled now and we have had a few hours apart (I had to go to work) it almost seemed to have made us a little closer. Perhaps because we have never fought, and now that we did it almost feels like this tension is released and we can move on knowing it was said.

He doesn't even know why he lied, most I could tell it was because he honestly thought he would find the passport quickly and send off the app and I would be non the wiser and never have to know he misplaced it. This was in June, and though then we already felt close it was only a month or so in and 'I love you' had recently been exchanged. It was new and we were both hyper vigilant of how we looked to the other. I guess it just snowballed from there. Needless to say, I think he learned his lesson. I don't know, but I think, seeing me crying and so deeply hurt that he could lie to me shook him. He does love me, I know it, and I think him knowing he caused me such pain and heartache really was worse than if I got nasty and screamed.

It also showed me something, usually in fights I get cold and it takes me a while to forgive...yet with HBB I really didn't want to shut down...I wanted to show him and let him in. I forgave so quickly, and to me that just proves that to my heart he means more than any other boyfriend I have ever had.

**Minerva** · September 3, 2011, 09:06 PM

*hugs*

So glad you worked things out. Sounds like you both learned a lot from this, and it's enhanced your relationship. That's really fantastic. =)

**Yaaamiii** · September 4, 2011, 12:14 AM

Ja I was gonna say something but it looks like you guys got everything worked out

I'm glad!

**uniquefem** · September 4, 2011, 01:29 AM

*hugs*
I am glad sound like everything went well again for both of you.

I think the only thing i could say to you is "don't sweat small stuff" for you, lying is a big issue, for him might aswell.. but on this matter.. i think he is wrong but also he deserve a forgiveness... from my perspective he's just too afraid to let you feel dissapointed and loose faith on his visiting earlier than it should be...

I am not saying he's right.... he should came clean earlier and try harder to find his passport.... oh well.. sh*t happens.. and we shoulnd't be bitter and yeah.. sad its ok... but don't look back too long.. try to move forward and just be happy that the passport is there... and hes going to see you

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