Taking in children?

[ILoveYou123]

My SO's sister has three kids. She may be a crack head, blah blah blah, whatever. Long of the short of it he mentioned getting custody possibly of her kids. Now I do not like this idea AT ALL. As soon as he mentioned it I told him trying to help his sister would be a better idea because not to be rude but I damn sure don't want to have to have three kids to take of when we get together. (The kids are 13, 10, and 6) Plus then he won't be able to go to the gym every day or make visits to up here whenever he wants and things, it'd just be a hassle. I told him this and he was all "Let's just drop it because I'm getting pissed." I asked him why and he said because of what I was saying! Am I wrong for not exactly being thrilled about that? I've never had kids and neither has he. I want US to go through raising OUR children together. Not him raising his sister's then ours whenever hers are grown or whatever.

[kteire]

Honestly, you might not like my reply...
What he plans to do may not be in your ideal plan, and may make your relationship more challenging, but he is an incredibly noble and selfless person for doing it. His sister is neglecting the needs of her children, and obviously he loves them, and knows they deserve better. You can't tell him not to help his family without pushing him away and damaging your relationship. I don't know what the rest of his family is like, but if he can provide a better life for these kids and keep them from having to go from foster home to foster home, he needs to do that.
If you can't find a way to support him, he will resent you. If this kids have to go into the system, he will feel responsible for it. It will make things harder, but there are more important things than going to the gym every day and having frequent visits with each other. I can completely understand you being stressed out by it, because it's a change you didn't expect and don't agree with, but if you love him, you need to find a way to be ok with it.

---------- Post added at 02:36 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:32 PM ----------

Oh and with regards to just helping his sister instead of taking in her kids... the only person who can make her get help is herself.
For the safety and well-being of her kids, they can't stick around until she decides to get better. I hope she does, honestly, but until then, they're victims and they need help.

[Laura_N]

My guess would be that he was just taken aback by your reaction. You're not wrong, of course it's alright not to feel OK with a big decision like that, but to me it sounds like it was the way of communicating that needed improving in that situation. Thus no arguing, but discussing.

I probably wouldn't want my SO to take in any strange kids either. But if it is a way to avoid the social service like kteire said, I would understand it. What I would try first though was to get help to the mother if you haven't already done that. And by that I mean recommending her some rehab or therapy or whatever it is that she needs. You can't help anyone by forcing them if they don't accept help, but it is definitely the number one thing to consider here. Offering help, not pushing. It's not cool for anyone to lose their kids or the kids to lose their mother, because there is always a bond even if the parents aren't the best. It sounds like she needs help. And I also wonder if the mother is aware of what your SO is planning. Perhaps it could be a wake up call to her if she knew about his plans? If I was in your position I would try to talk to him rationally about these things, altough I guess you hopefully have already tried to help her. If there's no progress at all, then I would respect my SO's decision. But it definitely is something you two need to talk about and figure out. Good luck!

[hdehart]

i agree with kteire. i'm sure his ideal situation didn't consist of caring for three kids, but obviously they aren't being taken care of where they are and what he's doing is actually really incredible and speaks volumes about the kind of person you have. don't push him away because it might make your plans a little more complicated.

[snow_girl]

Life never works out the way you plan it to. These kids are his nieces and nephews they are family, family steps up to help family when there is trouble and thats what he is doing. Yes it means he won't get to go to the gym everyday but I bet that is so insignificant to him knowing he is going to give these kids the life they deserve. I'm sure it isn't the greatest to know that he maybe can't come see you as often as you'd like but I would say it is a mighty valid reason. Why can't you go to see him? Support him, it can't be an easy decision to give up your young life to start living for some kids in need. He probably needs your support more then you know, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to have a life with you it means you need to love him and anything that comes along with him.

[hxcbreakdance]

I cannot blame you for feeling a bit unhappy about the situation but that is his family and if those kids need him, they need him. I'm sure it's not ideal for you or him but try not to make him feel bad about the situation, that's gotta be tough taking in three kids at once. The way I look at it, everything happens for a reason and in the end it's all going to work out for you and him.

[Rugger]

I can understand being upset when your "ideal" idea of life with your SO gets messed with, but these are not just ANY kids, they are his nieces and nephews, his flesh and blood. Of course you want to be alone with your SO, but there are some things that are more important that just your happiness, like the well-being of children. He is an incredible person for even entertaining the idea of taking them in. Maybe I'm going to get yelled at here, but I think that you are overreacting and only thinking of your happiness, not of the happiness of your SO, or his family.

Family almost always comes first, they always will. If I was in the same position, and I were your SO, you'd be out the door quicker than you could say Family.

You need to decide whether this is a deal-breaker or not. It wouldn't be fair to make your SO choose between him and the kids. If you can't do it, maybe you should end it.

[Silencedsongs]

I posted my thoughts in the other post started on this topic. It pretty much echos what everyone else has said.

You need to make a decision if you're able to be supportive or not if it comes down to his taking custody of the kids. Obviously, I can understand being upset or not happy with the possible change in your future plans, but that's his family and if you cannot be supportive of whatever he decides - you need to rethink if you're willing to continue with this relationship.

[Miramaid]

I did not read the comments. Of course you can and should be concerned and no one blames you. But I personally can not blame him either. What he wants to do is the right thing to do and it if for you to decide if you can handle it or not. He doesn't want 3 kids to end up in a foster home or even worse and he feels like they are better off with him and I think he is right. If he is strong enough to raise them, then he is a golden man.
However, you are young, and of course you have no clue how to raise 3 kids that age and no one would blame you if you backed off so it is up to you. It is unfair of you to demand for him to not get involved. Those are his three nephews and nieces

[JennyRW]

It is hard because I understand your position, I wouldn't want to have to raise someones else kids... But they are his family and family must be always a priority. If I had to raise my niece I would do it! I think you have two options, support him on his desition or just leave the relationship.

[ILoveYou123]

I don't plan on leaving him, and if he was to do it I'd support him. But just >.<

[lucybelle]

Yeah this is a hard spot to be in. But your SO is doing the right thing by taking these kids in. It's almost his obligation. If you're not ready to be in a relationship involving children, you need to have a serious talk. I was dating a guy who had a kid. And it just didn't work out because I was not ready for it. I wanted to go do things and he would have his child. Of course the children come first. But I wanted more freedom. So we had to break up.

[kteire]

Ah, I know. It's a very hard place to be in, and it will be difficult to have your relationship change. It might end up not even happening, and might be only temporary if it does. And like Laura_N said, maybe it will be a wake-up call to his sister. I just worry for the kids... I used to volunteer with Big Sisters, and the first child I was paired up with was 11 and had been through the system as her mother neglected her, and had been in and out of prison on drug-related charges. And I had to stop seeing her when her mother was caught by her social worker smoking crack with her children around... And that poor little girl had no where to go, and was such a fragile, traumatised girl. It breaks my heart that she didn't have someone like your SO to look after her. He's really incredible!!

[Zephii]

I don't know how long you've been together, but I think that if it's a long term relationship (you've been together well over a year and have solid future plans) then this is a decision you should be making together. Not a decision he makes and you have to live with. I think you deserve more of a say. And I can totally understand you not being thrilled. These kids don't mean anything to you after all, and kids are hard work.

With that said, I can totally see why he was pissed with you. It's a very noble thing for him to be doing, and these aren't just any kids - they are his family. Family and the safety of innocents is a big deal. It's the right thing to do, even if it's not ideal.

On the bright side, these kids aren't babies or anything, so you're not missing out on that much. You'll still go through pregnancy and having infants, first tooths and steps and all that stuff that's terribly important to parents. But, you'll have had a bit of practice at least so it might even be less daunting and stressful.

I would say you need to talk to each other, especailly about finances. Kids are expensive. Will taking in these three delay you closing the distance, or having your own kids or interfere with your post-secondary education or any other plans you had together. Talk through it, know what you're getting into.
Good luck

[Engel]

I don't know how long you've been together, but I think that if it's a long term relationship (you've been together well over a year and have solid future plans) then this is a decision you should be making together. Not a decision he makes and you have to live with. I think you deserve more of a say. And I can totally understand you not being thrilled. These kids don't mean anything to you after all, and kids are hard work.

With that said, I can totally see why he was pissed with you. It's a very noble thing for him to be doing, and these aren't just any kids - they are his family. Family and the safety of innocents is a big deal. It's the right thing to do, even if it's not ideal.

On the bright side, these kids aren't babies or anything, so you're not missing out on that much. You'll still go through pregnancy and having infants, first tooths and steps and all that stuff that's terribly important to parents. But, you'll have had a bit of practice at least so it might even be less daunting and stressful.

I would say you need to talk to each other, especailly about finances. Kids are expensive. Will taking in these three delay you closing the distance, or having your own kids or interfere with your post-secondary education or any other plans you had together. Talk through it, know what you're getting into.
Good luck

that.

and is there anyone else who could take those kids?
how old are you and him? how long are you two together?
i wouldnt be happy if i was in this situation either, but if my so had the financial stability to take the kids in and still have our own kids, i dont see why it would be a problem, but for me if it meant i wouldnt be able to have my own kids because there wouldnt be enough money because he is taking care of someone elses kids it would be a deal breaker to me. i wouldnt make him give up on what he wants, and what is best for the kids, but i wouldnt be with him in, because i do want to have my own kids in the future. but if he can care for them and still have your own, i dont see what is wrong with it, maybe you can consider closing the distance so you can help him with the kids?