I've done something I can't stop =(

[Irishorla]

First of all sorry if anything creepy happens I'm on the PS3 Webbroser in Hospital and its not going to well please also ignore any typos you may see =(

So I wont go in with this big life story but I've been ill for about 2 years now where I've had both of my Kidneys slowly die because of my body making to much blood or something like that, I can never understand what it is I have, on Friday there I got my last bad kidney taken out and I've got one single healthy one, from the two years of being really ill it has destroyed all my self-confidence and left me with major personality disorders such as high depression, anti social, avoidance from outside contact from feeling really scared, anxiety, and the list goes on. I've been given only little help from people and I deal with this on my own so to speek, this is turn effects how I am with my LDR, And I'm scared. My mood swings to fast from happy to sad and all most everyday I bonbard my LDR with all these things that I think hurts him in a way. Something he might say would cause me to quickly change my mood whn infact he was either jokeing or a missunderstood what he said, This is really getting to me, I have no self controll and its starting to look like its having an effect on both of us. I really don't know what to do with this, I don't mean to do what I do and I want to be happy with him forever, but how do I stop the all of this from happening =(. I went all out on him today from a single Email that told him things I never even wanted to say, but I went mindless and typed what came to my head. I feel like I'm going to ruin the LDR, I feel as if its slowly dyeing, but I feel so alone with my issues and everytime I try to tell them people just turn there eyes and giggle. My BF does understand most it to one point.

I feel as if I'm making him avoid me, because he knows when he comes to talk that he'll have the same thing again. =( I'm worthless, I just wish I was normal =(..

[Mara]

*hugs* I think you are just letting your illness affect other aspects of your life which is completely understandable. It's apart of your life and apart of what you are dealing with, but it doesn't have to define you. Do you have anyone you can talk to like maybe a therapist or a counselor about your illness and all of the other issues it's causing in you? I think your SO understands though that you are going through a lot and a lot of times the way you react is because of that. When you say things you don't quite mean to just apologize and next time just try to think a little bit more before you speak. Your SO obviously cares about you and will be patient with you. No one is expecting you to be 100% like yourself right now.

[Miramaid]

First of all, I really hope you get better soon. I can not imagine dealing with what you are dealing with and trying to be a normal person and keep the relationship growing. I really hope doctors will help you very soon.
As for your relationship, I think you really should let your guy know what is going on inside of you, and that whatever you may say you really do not mean to say and that this is a result of medication and your surgery and all these scary things.
I will warn you, that a lot of people are not strong enough to handle that. It is possible that he may say that even though he feels sorry for you, he feels like he doesn't deserve to be treated poorly or that he can not handle you being like this, and that the relationship is better to end or be put on pause. It may not happen like that at all, but it may. I guess you should be mentally prepared for both outcomes.

I also think that right now you should focus on getting better and doing at least little things that make you happy (draw a cartoon in the corners of a note book, write poems, talk on a phone with your friends who may be live far away and you haven't seen them - now you have more time to chat, go to therapy - it really does help i know from experience, etc.) I know it is easier to say than to do but we are all here for you and if you need anything just let us know. I am in the USA and I can give you a call if you would like to chat.
Get better soon! Health is the most important, because if you are not healthy then no love with make you happy and something will constantly hurt or even kill you. We do not want that First we want you to get better so you can enjoy life to the fullest (including love).
Hugs!

[lucybelle]

I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I think perhaps the best thing would be to let the relationship go until you are recovered. Being in pain will make you say all sorts of things you don't mean. Perhaps right now you need to concentrate on healing yourself, instead of worrying about other people. When you are on the mend, then try to date again. For now, concentrate on getting better.