long distance relationship and its turbulations? need advice and opinions

[innocentbutterfly]

Hi everyone on here! I'm new! I came here, cause I need ur help since I'm also going through kind of an LDR in works...
sooo I've been talking to this guy online for about 4 months almost now and well I didnt ever before start any of those online relationships cause I didnt believe in them, but then he came, something moved in me, you know this feeling when you feel like someone is the one cause of all the characteristics you like in a guy and he has them all? well that happened, I started to like him, he said he likes me to and thinks about me. when we met we really talked so many nights till mornings, he came from army and he didnt have a job yet, so we could do that, we had fun, he said I made him happy and mile whenever he talked to me, but when I asked him if he likes me to he never wanted to define it (he never started online relationships either) and then he got a job, we started talking less and less and when I sent him messages online after awhile he took 2 or 3 days to reply, he said he didnt have time and his usual daily routine is he works till around 6, usually goes sleep, out with friends to dinner or something and then soon he goes to sleep again, so even though I found it hard to believe he didnt have time to take 5 min to reply I said I believed him, but one day I had it enough and I told him that and again he told me he likes me and that I think all wrong, so then after awhile we didnt talk anymore, cause after all this arguing he said what do I want from him and told me he couldnt really love any girl at the moment - he didnt say reasons, but later he told me his ex did that, she cheated on him and even if it was almost 2 years ago he's still insecure about trusting girls again, so we stopped talking for like 20 days, cause well I didnt wanna force something if he didnt want to

I was ready to get over him (or whatever do you do afteru like someone to forget them) and then we started talking again a few days ago when he had some time off cause of holidays, so I asked him again how he felt and he told me he always liked me, just didnt wanna say it, so then we started talking more, we joked around, he sent me some of his pics, showed me his wardrobe...but I dont know...he started working again then and again it started when he didnt reply a day..we had an 'arrangement' a day ago he would take a pic of his hangout spots and he did and then he asked me about me sending a pic and I said I didnt know he wanted one and he said I should already know that then I told him I'll take it another day, he got angry again and told me he doesnt want any and that he wasnt important for me and I told him its not like that and then he had to go sleep.


so really, I dont know what to do here, he's a pisces and I'm a capricorn, he's shy, I am, but I dont think he knows that cause I never showed it, but he knows I love his shyness, he doesnt like to talk much at first, im same, he isnt really good at expressing feelings, neither am i and also theres this thing, he doesnt really ask much, most of the time I ask and talk and once I sent him a list of questions he then took days saying he'll answer me and then he said he accidentally deleted them, so later I didnt resend them, but he answered some later on and he asked me a few too...

I wanna ask you ladies what do you think about all this and what would u do in my situation, have u ever been in a situation like this with any online relationship? am I doing anything wrong here? what should I do? its like I dont know if I should go on or just leave it all and forget about him...he tells me he wants to be with me and I tell him he should visit me then he tells me I should convince him, well I understand that he maybe is still insecure and wants to know me more, but what am I supposed to do when he acts like he cares and like he doesnt at the same time? when I ask questions and he doesnt? i need your inputt so please help ladiess and even men if you are brave enough to talk about this matter from your perspective, I could use any input, male and female

[Zephii]

It think you're expecting too much too fast. If you just roll with it for a little while you'll be much happier. If not you run the risk of stifling it before it has a chance to go anywhere so just try to be calm.

Also, it's very hard to read text on a computer screen if it's in a solid block. seperating your paragraphs will make more people more likely to want to read your post and respond.

Wishing you all the best!

[JennyRW]

Mmm this never happened to me, but I'm trying to put myself in your position. I think you need to have serious talk with him, I would tell him that I understand he feels insecure for what his ex did to him, but he is not the only one who had to live that kind of situation, sadly mostly everybody find a mean person at least once on ther life... It is good that he wants to protect himself but there are limits, and the fact that he is putting a big wall beteween the two of you is making you apart, and actually you never did anything to make him insecure, so you are being punish for what another person did 2 years ago and that is not fair with you, because you have been honest with him all the time, and you ever hurt him.
A good advise is what I learned on a mediation class: after you explain him this and your feelings, let him talk, you need to be a good listener and try to understand his position and feelings, then when he finish you explian your position (talking nice, with respect). The idea is not to fight, but to look for a solution that will work for both of you. Both need to collaborate for this, if only one side is working for the relationship, then it is better to break up, but I think you need to talk with him before taking any desition, at least give him the oportunity to understand your thougths and feelings. If he cares about you he will try, but if he is too selfish he wont...
I hope this will help you and I hope he will be ablo to be more open with you

[innocentbutterfly]

It think you're expecting too much too fast. If you just roll with it for a little while you'll be much happier. If not you run the risk of stifling it before it has a chance to go anywhere so just try to be calm.

Also, it's very hard to read text on a computer screen if it's in a solid block. seperating your paragraphs will make more people more likely to want to read your post and respond.

Wishing you all the best!

Hi there! Thanks for your input. hmm lets say your right, but why then would he still not ask me anything? its like he says he likes me and all, but at the same time it seems like he doesnt really wanna know me. he told me when he talks to me he gets excited and he doesn't find any questions, so I dont know what to think about that...Then if I lets say slowdown, usually its me messaging him, so I feel like I'm getting to close to him, but again he says he likes me, so I really don't know what to think and if I lets say let him take the lead I'm afraid he'll shy off and we won't talk for days again like before and we'll distant ourselves, because it seems like he has a tendency to give up fast if he thinks something can't work even if it in reality can, he's stubborn...and all this questions stuff really bothers me, maybe it becaiuse of what his gf did to him, he doesn't wanna know me more so soon, but still it's very hard for me when I don't know what I'm at...

Mmm this never happened to me, but I'm trying to put myself in your position. I think you need to have serious talk with him, I would tell him that I understand he feels insecure for what his ex did to him, but he is not the only one who had to live that kind of situation, sadly mostly everybody find a mean person at least once on ther life... It is good that he wants to protect himself but there are limits, and the fact that he is putting a big wall beteween the two of you is making you apart, and actually you never did anything to make him insecure, so you are being punish for what another person did 2 years ago and that is not fair with you, because you have been honest with him all the time, and you ever hurt him.
A good advise is what I learned on a mediation class: after you explain him this and your feelings, let him talk, you need to be a good listener and try to understand his position and feelings, then when he finish you explian your position (talking nice, with respect). The idea is not to fight, but to look for a solution that will work for both of you. Both need to collaborate for this, if only one side is working for the relationship, then it is better to break up, but I think you need to talk with him before taking any desition, at least give him the oportunity to understand your thougths and feelings. If he cares about you he will try, but if he is too selfish he wont...
I hope this will help you and I hope he will be ablo to be more open with you

thank you for replying too. well, I kind of told him that already that because of this one girl he shouldnt put us all into one box, but still he was a bit insecure like he wouldn't be ready...andbthe thing is whenever I bring something like this up he gets sad and angry and thinks like I'm only searching for a reason to stop talking to him, it hurts me and I don't know how I can handle this in a way he'll start talking more rather than always 'slamming the door' on it and leaving or something like that...it's like i gotta work with him in gloves, like he's so over sensitive and its hurting

---------- Post added at 01:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:36 AM ----------


and what do you guys have to say on it that he never really tried a relationship like this? I haven't either, but I'm open to it and for him it seems like he doesn't wanna give himself a chance to try something like that...like he would be afraid when there's nothing to fear about for now..so really I dont know how to even go about telling him how I want this to work, what if he does the same thing he usually does and just says its better we don't start anything like he already did once before?

[Zephii]

Maybe you can play a question asking game to prompt him a bit?

Also, some people think that asking questions is rude. They want to do it, but they feel like it's wrong. Maybe he's one of these people? Maybe he just gets flustered because he's attracted to you and that makes the words leave his head? It's deffinantly possible.

It does sound a bit like he's immature emotionally, hasn't yet learnt how to handle himself in this arena. You can teach him gently

You're probably already doing this, but just incase you're not... to avoid sounding like you're attacking him always write or speak from yourself as a base. Use "I feel" rather than "you never". Here's an example:
Bad: "You never ask me questions about me, it's like you don't care"
Good: "I feel good when you ask me questions and take an interest in my life, I'd be so happy if you wanted to know more about me"

They both mean the same thing, but one sounds like he's doing something wrong while the other sounds like you're offering him an oppertunity. It's not what you say, it's how you say it

[innocentbutterfly]

Maybe you can play a question asking game to prompt him a bit?

Also, some people think that asking questions is rude. They want to do it, but they feel like it's wrong. Maybe he's one of these people? Maybe he just gets flustered because he's attracted to you and that makes the words leave his head? It's deffinantly possible.

It does sound a bit like he's immature emotionally, hasn't yet learnt how to handle himself in this arena. You can teach him gently

You're probably already doing this, but just incase you're not... to avoid sounding like you're attacking him always write or speak from yourself as a base. Use "I feel" rather than "you never". Here's an example:
Bad: "You never ask me questions about me, it's like you don't care"
Good: "I feel good when you ask me questions and take an interest in my life, I'd be so happy if you wanted to know more about me"

They both mean the same thing, but one sounds like he's doing something wrong while the other sounds like you're offering him an oppertunity. It's not what you say, it's how you say it

I think you may have a point here, I was already thinking about this, cause there was no other way I could explain why he cant come up with some questions.

well, as far as I know this was actually his gf since high school/university so if I took a wild guess and said it was his first I think I am right, because otherwise he wouldn't be so insecure if there would also be some others which would be different, after all he was with this girl for 3 and a half years

thanks for that advice, that helps cause usually I use this first way yes and it may be it sounds like I'm attaking him cause he said sometimes I shout at him always which I didnt exactly kknow what he meant until later

[JennyRW]

It does sound a bit like he's immature emotionally, hasn't yet learnt how to handle himself in this arena. You can teach him gently

You're probably already doing this, but just incase you're not... to avoid sounding like you're attacking him always write or speak from yourself as a base. Use "I feel" rather than "you never". Here's an example:
Bad: "You never ask me questions about me, it's like you don't care"
Good: "I feel good when you ask me questions and take an interest in my life, I'd be so happy if you wanted to know more about me"

They both mean the same thing, but one sounds like he's doing something wrong while the other sounds like you're offering him an oppertunity. It's not what you say, it's how you say it

I think Zephii is right, he sounds a little immature, but she also gave a good example of how to communicate your feelings and avoid a bad reaction from him

Yo have to make him understands that this is making you insecure too, this is hurting you and you know that is not his intention, but that is a good reason to try to change the sitation

[kiara_silver]

well i do think your rushing things a bit. 4 months is still really early in a relationship. It takes time to get to know someone, especially in a LDR. And I agree with the question game. I did that and still do that all the time. The first like 6 months into our relationship all i did was ask questions, come up with new questions, hard questions fun questions. Helped keep conversations going and really get to know him. My SO on the other hand didnt ask me many questions lol, he asks me more questions now after being together and having met 2 years later, then he did when we were first learning about eachother. I say take your time. We took things slow, from first exchanging pics of us, then he got a webcam then i did, then we had a phone call, then from there planned to really want to meet then we did now were planning to close the distance/ I kinda feel relationships have steps, some people go through them faster then others. Depends on the people. But theres nothing wrong with taking things slow. Hope things work out for you.

[innocentbutterfly]

I think Zephii is right, he sounds a little immature, but she also gave a good example of how to communicate your feelings and avoid a bad reaction from him

Yo have to make him understands that this is making you insecure too, this is hurting you and you know that is not his intention, but that is a good reason to try to change the sitation

thank you both, I really appreciate it. one thing though is that on weekdays we dont really get much time to talk, like 20minutes tops, so then I don't really know how to start a conversation right away, what to even say cause soon then he has to go sleep and again I'd end up with unanswered questions...only on weekends sometimes we get more time, but still I don't know how to bring it it without sounding to him like I'm just searching for things to fight with him when it's the opposite..

well i do think your rushing things a bit. 4 months is still really early in a relationship. It takes time to get to know someone, especially in a LDR. And I agree with the question game. I did that and still do that all the time. The first like 6 months into our relationship all i did was ask questions, come up with new questions, hard questions fun questions. Helped keep conversations going and really get to know him. My SO on the other hand didnt ask me many questions lol, he asks me more questions now after being together and having met 2 years later, then he did when we were first learning about eachother. I say take your time. We took things slow, from first exchanging pics of us, then he got a webcam then i did, then we had a phone call, then from there planned to really want to meet then we did now were planning to close the distance/ I kinda feel relationships have steps, some people go through them faster then others. Depends on the people. But theres nothing wrong with taking things slow. Hope things work out for you.

Hello, thank you for answering too, I'm glad about your ldr and good luck in the future as for my problem, you may be right, but I am asking you know, but sometimes lately I just ruon out of questions, like I dont know what to ask anymore and he gets bored..I think its because all of this his 'lack of interest' feeling he's giving me, so I'd need some directions here..cause right now I'm in a kind of position where I think anything I'll ask will sound kind of wrong to him in a way that I don't like him and this irritates me so much, cause I blame myself then for not knowing how to handle it properly and I think then its all my fault

[innocentbutterfly]

sooo guys I'm back again, here's the thing, we talked I told him all about how I want this to work and guess what? he says he doesn't like this kind of relatinships, they are childish to him, so I told him he hasn't even had one and he could give it a try, he told me all how all is different since he met me, but still this kind of relationship is a no, no for him I told him I'm going to give him time and he said okay, but then later he said again he doesn't like that and that he won't change his mind and he says at the same time he doesnt wanna break my heart (but somehow he already is acting like that) he also tells me all the reasons like he's a bad person and that I'll see that overtime, but I know he says all that cause he wants me to stop liking him and I told him that and he said like he's hyperactive he cant sit on computer all thđe time and talk to me, he cant be much online and I told him he doesnt have to be, he can just message me daily to show me he cares, so I still said I'll give him time, so I really don't know what to do here girls, is it time to give up? (( he likes me, but at the same time this kind of relationship is not okay to him cause he says he feels bad cause he cant touch me, kiss me, talk with me, eat dinner with me, sleep with me...

[JennyRW]

for me it sounds like he is the childish one, no the relationship that you want... :s
Idont want to tell you if you should or not break up, but he sound immature. If he cannot even send you a message every day (which is not much to ask) is because he just doesnt want to commit. You have to think about these things and takke your own desition, but think what is the best for yourself.

[innocentbutterfly]

well I'm thinking all the different options right now, but thank you for your reply, helps a bit

[innocentbutterfly]

so latest update on this girls xD now ever since I mentioned this online relationship to him now everytime he's on faceebook online when I come he goes offline quickly, I might be wrong, but I noticed this 3 times now, so I guess he's avoiding me? do you think its better for me to forget about him and just let him be? cause if he really would care for me as he says he'd try all this relationship thing for me at least, to show me he cares, even though he can't have me ther in person with him just yet and even though he doesn't believe in OR and thinks they're silly, right?

on the other note, there's this other guy I+'ve always liked, he's from Iran, but I never knew he liked me too because of the language barrier (his english is very poor) so until recently when I started to write him in his language with a help of translator he told me he always liked me too, so I'm talking with him now for a few days already and he's so much different from the turkish guy, he tells me his feelings, asks me questions, we have fun even though translator maybe limits us of communication sometimes, but there's this other problem, if I get serious with him now and let the turkish guy just have his way (give up) I'm worried about if when we would meet we wouldn't be able to talk, cause my english is great, his is not, so...but he said he's willing to learn english for me, so we talk now like I write him in english and in farsi (with translators help) in hope that it will help him learn english a bit better. so what do you guys think about all that? I need advice, I'm torn apart here...

[innocentbutterfly]

also i forgot to mention we havent talked almost 4 a week now. Usually i would always message him, but after i suggested OR and he said its kind of childish to him i told him ill give him time 2 think and that whenever he thinks about me he should send me a msg, write whatever, just to show me how much he cares and he promised he will, but never did..few days later i asked him why then and why he wont talk to me and he said he feels boring in life and im not a problem, but he doesnt talk to anyone, so i really dont know anymore what to think about all his caring about me, hes like so unpredictable and its breaking my heart. So after that i stopped messaging him, cause i feel like im talking to myself and to see if he will remember me, but as i said, a week no msgs, disappearing offline, so im starting to doubt everything but i dont know why he would say then all is ok and that he likes me and stay up late nights 4 me if he wouldnt like me? Or is it just his fear and doubt of OR?